The Russian Machine Happily Presents Anti-Pens Artwork

Look. We’re not going to sugarcoat it, we freakin’ hate the Penguins. A vengeful, angry hate. As a small lad, I vividly remember staying up until 3AM, only to watch Petr Nedved score a 4OT goal against the Capitals (shown below) which subsequently knocked my favorite team out of the ’96 playoffs. Did I cry all night and not sleep? Did I fail a test in middle school because of this?

Ugh. Take it down!

Sadly, It’s not just one singular event that has scarred me this bad. The Caps have lost in the playoffs to the Penguins 7 of 8 times including last year’s horrible Game 7 which Peter wrote about last night, and mentally I’m just completely jacked up because of this. Maybe the players aren’t. But I am. I remember 2 years ago, I went to see a Caps Pens game at the Verizon Center. What happened? The Caps jumped out to a 4-1 lead (scored the first three goals) and lost to them in a shootout 5-4. Did I start wildly punching a Verizon Center chair in anger when Crosby sealed the game with his shootout goal? You bet I did. Did I boo him everytime he touched the puck because I thought the NHL was giving him preferential treatment over Ovechkin? Damn straight.

Well now since I’m considered an adult (barely), it’s time to be more mature. However, that does not apply to our readers. A few days ago, I asked our fans to send us their Anti-Pens artwork, and boy did they respond. Below the fold, check out some of what was sent out way. Remember, laughing and trying to humiliate our opponent is meant to be a therapeutic way of letting out our anger. And no, this probably isn’t work appropriate – so beware!!!!



First, we present DChi606’s wonderfully hideous creation: MALKINSTEIN. Though I’m not sure if this monstrosity is uglier than the real thing (Malkin not Frankenstein), it will haunt our dreams for the foreseeable future.

Don't be Fooled. Young Children Can Hate Too.

Toddlers Can Hate The Penguins Too.

Next, Oksana Zolotar brings us this great photo of someone else’s expression of Pens Hate. She went to Caps practice a few days ago. And what did she find? A child wearing this awesome jersey. Now, I may be horribly repulsed by seeing both the name “CROSBY” and the #8 so close together. But if they’re seperated by the word “SUCKS” then I think it’s okay. Jersey Foul? Maybe. Awesome Jersey? Undeniable.

Suicidal Penguin

Suicidal Penguin

Now let’s take our hate to the next level. Here is a drawing by squints. Did it take hours? Yes. Do we appreciate it? OMGGG Do you really have to ask? Our take? This Penguin must have finally realized a.) That it lives in sub zero temperatures 85% of the year and B.) that Sergei Gonchar is the team’s best defenseman. Do it, Penguin. We freakin’ dare you to.

Caps_Girl thinks Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby playing on their respective Country’s Olympic Hockey teams is a farce. She believes reality is that they’ve entered as a female pair in the Olympic Figure Skating Competition. Don’t believe us? Check out this secret video above at a recent practice. We must note: We love Crosby’s dress and Malkin’s skin tight white pants.

What's better than free wings? Skewering Crosby ofcourse!

What's better than free wings? Skewering Crosby ofcourse!

Honestly, I’m not sure what the hell’s going on here, but I love it all the same because it looks like something negative is happening to Crosby in the buttox area. Well done, DookFn.

More Crosby Malkin Bromance Love.

More Crosby Malkin Bromance Love.

Jennifer Baarson shows us another great example of how to use Blingee correctly. This is so incredibly gay appropriate.

The zamboni should be busy tonight...

The zamboni should be busy tonight...’s writer Krafty, shows us what the Pittsburgh Zamboni Driver is going to have to clean up after the first intermission tonight. We can look forward to Penguin Blood all over the ice.

Just put this in Crosby's Mouth to stop the whining.

Just put this in Crosby's Mouth to stop the whining.

Also, apparently healso thinks Crosby needs one of these.

This speaks for itself...

This speaks for itself...

CapitaLOL’s sent us this. Perfect.

The Caps logo takes a dump on the Penguins logo

The Caps logo takes a dump on the Penguins logo

And lastly, our favorite from Sara Bae. This is exactly what we want the Caps to do to the Penguins tonight.

As always thanks to everyone who submitted. These are truly hilarious. Catch the Russian Machine tonight at the Japers’ Rink/Puck Daddy viewing party at Bailey’s. We can’t wait to meet you. And we expect a W!!

  • Sherry

    I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

  • capsgirl1

    Just one more reason why I love this site!!!

  • Mar

    Hahahahaha….what a joke. I understand you guys hating on the Pens because, let’s face it, they’ve completely demoralized your team since the Caps’ inception, but did you have to go about it in a way that makes you guys look 14? I mean, really, “we freakin'” hate the Penguins?

    Whata douche…

  • MKennedy

    Oh Lord. These suck.


    Shooting 20 times a game: so easy a caveman can do it!

  • Wow you love a player that squares up,drops his gloves, and has his butt buddy jump! COngrats you have a site dedicated to the NHL’s biggest pussy! We will just sit back and laugh. Please, find me a video of Sid dropping gloves and squaring and then bitching out of a fight! Whose the crybaby now bitch!

  • Beat you wont post this on your site cause your the biggest puss ever. Moderate it buddy! Your a jaded bitch since you cant even face the facts and post what i said. Find me that video ya faggg!

  • Your mom

    Your a homo.

  • Jordan

    There’s so much I can say here, I’ll just say that Sergei Gonchar isn’t our best defenseman, Brooks Orpik is.

  • Peter


    These are awesome.

  • Danny Louviere

    Where are the pix of Ovenchicken’s Stanley Cup ring?

  • Lovely grammar effort by our visiting commenters tonight. Please feel free to share your incomprehensible hate speech here anytime.

    And, oh yeah. SCOREBOARD.

  • Good meeting (some of) you guys tonight! And reading these comments is hilarious, especially the irony that starts with post #3… I guess if you guys are 14 for saying “freakin'”, that makes the subsequent Crosby sack-swinging comments around… 9? 😉

  • Mar

    Just remember, Russian Machine Lube or whatever…if we had a nickel for every time your team won the Stanley cup…we would have no nickels.

  • Bobbielynn

    “Russian Machine Lube”, really, how long did it take you to come up with that? My money’s on too long.
    And of course, you post that after the Caps beat the Pens, very mature of you. I understand why you would be upset. Your team didn’t play as hard as the Caps, get over it. See you again in February.

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  • Sara Bae

    i agree with russianmachine! the scoreboard says it all… That’s what you call a SACKED LUNCH, BITCHES!! nom,nom,nom! (i really wanted this one to go up!) cuz crosby is FUG!)