RMNB Presents #beardpact

In accordance with no one in particular, Russian Machine Never Breaks proudly presents #beardpact. From Thursday morning until the night Alex Ovechkin hoists the Stanley Cup, we vow not to shave.

That’s stupid. Why?

Beards are the zenith of manliness. First, they are scratchy and unpleasant to womenfolk. Second, they look awesome. Third, if you have something tasty for lunch, you can enjoy the smell all the way until dinnertime.

Frank Beard.  Infuriatingly beardless.

Frank Beard: infuriatingly beardless.

The ritual of consentual beard-growing has been commonplace since 1983, when the pubescent men of Frankston, Texas, donned soup-catchers to celebrate ZZ Top‘s Eliminator album*.  The favorite son of Frankston, Frank Beard, was ZZ Top’s drummer and– to the astonishment of freaking everybody– the only guy in the band WITHOUT A BEARD.

Also, let’s not forget the example of Commander William T. Riker, who became the single greatest trombone-playing character in science fiction when he grew that well-trimmed mane sometime around stardate 42050.1.

Following the examples of these two great figures, one beardless and the other fictional, communities have grown beards as signs of solidarity to support their favorite sports teams.  But too many beard-growing efforts fall short as men succumb to societal pressures (check out our brosephs at Rock the Red dismissing these lies).  To allay the forces of beardlessness, we offer this simple solution:

#beardpact. It’s a thing.

We implore you to join. Participation is simple. Here’s a short primer:

Step 1: Starting Thursday, don’t shave.

razor


Step 2: Every day, take a picture of your full and manly beard.

van-gogh-self-portrait


Step 3. Post that bad boy on Twitter with the #beardpact hashtag.

beardpacttwitter


Step 4: Profit!

Each day we will collect all the self-portraits and post them here on Russian Machine Never Breaks. Awards may be given to the best beards in various categories. For example, if you can spontaneously grow a Van Dyke, you deserve a fabric reward.

All RMNB writers are participating in #beardpact, and it’s already gotten ugly. Word has it that Neil Greenberg can go from babyface to The Prospector in two weeks flat. I, on the other hand, can grow nothing more than a hearty neckbeard. As soon as the neckbeard becomes sexy (also, less scratchy), I’ll have it made.  Rumor has it than RMNB associate Stevie K. is growing a beard, too. I’ve never seen the guy with real facial hair, but his brother has a beard like the guy from Iron & Wine, so look out for that one.

The #beardpact brand protects us all. Scruffy high-school students with judgmental prom dates will have an excuse. Groomsmen in springtime weddings will have a defense. If you show up to traffic court looking like Faith-era George Michael, there’s a decent chance the judge is an Ovechkin fan. Alone, we might fall prey to society’s pressure to shave, thereby damning our team. But together, we cannot fail.

This is a good time to tell you that the Capitals themselves are running a proper charity program called Beard-a-thon. Joining #beardpact does not preclude you from any other facial hair-related initiative, it just enhances it! We fully recommend you hit them up.  We did!

Ladies, we’re in a bit of a pickle.  Without hormone replacement therapy, facial hair is a longshot for you.  You should probably continue to shave your legs and armpits at your leisure.  Perhaps a prosthetic beard would work?.  To be honest, I’m not a fan of fake beards on women.  Maybe you could pull a Hayley Williams and dye your hair scarlet red.  Please feel free to share fashion tips below.  Either way, let it be known that your inclusion is crucial to #beardpact‘s success.

We may be powerless to help the Caps on their historic run for the Cup, but we are united in our support for them.  Let’s show our solidarity.  Let’s become sea of unhygienic, furry, red-clad maniacs.  Fill up the phone booth or your local sports bar with your hairy machismo.  High five a bearded stranger sometime in the next month.  If it’s June, you can hug him.  Let’s do this.

Razors down. Hopes up.

*note: yeah, we made up pretty much all of this.

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  • http://giving.studentshelpinghonduras.org/SHH/participantpage.asp?uid=3147&fundid=1678 Sarah

    Unfortunately I cannot grow facial hair, and my hair is already red so dyeing it would be silly. I’ll see if I can come up with some alternatives. Maybe I should invest in a Chia pet and grow that? Anyways, I am in full solidarity and rest assured, my figurative playoff beard will be grown.

  • Elsa

    I will grow a beard in support of the Great8 and The Caps and I’m a woman. Go Caps!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Russian Machine Never Breaks

    Question for Peter, am I allowed to shave my head during this time – minus the beard?

  • Peter

    RMNB:

    The hockey gods care not about the top of your head so long as your chin is scratchy.

  • BobbyG

    Being female, the facial hair thing is out of the question for me. However, my SO has pledged his true love for me by agreeing to be my surrogate in the beard growing department. It must be true love because his NY Rangers didn’t make the playoffs and he’s still in a bit of a funk. Gotta love a guy who’ll grow a beard in your behalf when there’s nothing else personally at stake for him.

    I do, however, own a fake beard that SO wore for a Halloween past. I will don this prop to support the Caps for their entire playoff run.

  • Jordan

    Seems like a waste, I mean, you won’t be growing that beard in June or anything.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Russian Machine Never Breaks

    Jordan, you have no room to talk my friend. Seriously, what the hell is this?

  • Peter Hassett

    I’ll be LUCKY if I can grow that.

  • Jon Farrell

    My beard’s already thicker than that.

    I think I still have some shavings in my bathroom from last week Hassett. We can transplant them to your face if it helps.

  • Peter Hassett

    Farrell,

    Much appreciated. I need all the help I can get.

    P

  • http://youresovain-dailyvanityplates.blogspot.com/ Katie

    I’m a redhead, so I just figure I was born to be a Caps fan.

  • galaxysong9

    Playoff nails are the way to go for women. Paint them when the playoffs start, and until they’re done, you can’t cut or repaint them. Polish chips, they get long and maybe sort of scraggly, and they’re something that women generally like to take care of. Anyway, that’s what I’m doing as my #beardpact!

  • Brovechkin

    Here’s the real question…can I trim my beard? particularly my neck? Otherwise, I’m good to go