In accordance with no one in particular, Russian Machine Never Breaks proudly presents #beardpact. From Thursday morning until the night Alex Ovechkin hoists the Stanley Cup, we vow not to shave.
That’s stupid. Why?
Beards are the zenith of manliness. First, they are scratchy and unpleasant to womenfolk. Second, they look awesome. Third, if you have something tasty for lunch, you can enjoy the smell all the way until dinnertime.
The ritual of consentual beard-growing has been commonplace since 1983, when the pubescent men of Frankston, Texas, donned soup-catchers to celebrate ZZ Top‘s Eliminator album*. The favorite son of Frankston, Frank Beard, was ZZ Top’s drummer and– to the astonishment of freaking everybody– the only guy in the band WITHOUT A BEARD.
Also, let’s not forget the example of Commander William T. Riker, who became the single greatest trombone-playing character in science fiction when he grew that well-trimmed mane sometime around stardate 42050.1.
Following the examples of these two great figures, one beardless and the other fictional, communities have grown beards as signs of solidarity to support their favorite sports teams. But too many beard-growing efforts fall short as men succumb to societal pressures (check out our brosephs at Rock the Red dismissing these lies). To allay the forces of beardlessness, we offer this simple solution:
#beardpact. It’s a thing.
We implore you to join. Participation is simple. Here’s a short primer:
Step 1: Starting Thursday, don’t shave.
Step 2: Every day, take a picture of your full and manly beard.
Step 3. Post that bad boy on Twitter with the #beardpact hashtag.
Step 4: Profit!
Each day we will collect all the self-portraits and post them here on Russian Machine Never Breaks. Awards may be given to the best beards in various categories. For example, if you can spontaneously grow a Van Dyke, you deserve a fabric reward.
All RMNB writers are participating in #beardpact, and it’s already gotten ugly. Word has it that Neil Greenberg can go from babyface to The Prospector in two weeks flat. I, on the other hand, can grow nothing more than a hearty neckbeard. As soon as the neckbeard becomes sexy (also, less scratchy), I’ll have it made. Rumor has it than RMNB associate Stevie K. is growing a beard, too. I’ve never seen the guy with real facial hair, but his brother has a beard like the guy from Iron & Wine, so look out for that one.
The #beardpact brand protects us all. Scruffy high-school students with judgmental prom dates will have an excuse. Groomsmen in springtime weddings will have a defense. If you show up to traffic court looking like Faith-era George Michael, there’s a decent chance the judge is an Ovechkin fan. Alone, we might fall prey to society’s pressure to shave, thereby damning our team. But together, we cannot fail.
This is a good time to tell you that the Capitals themselves are running a proper charity program called Beard-a-thon. Joining #beardpact does not preclude you from any other facial hair-related initiative, it just enhances it! We fully recommend you hit them up. We did!
Ladies, we’re in a bit of a pickle. Without hormone replacement therapy, facial hair is a longshot for you. You should probably continue to shave your legs and armpits at your leisure. Perhaps a prosthetic beard would work?. To be honest, I’m not a fan of fake beards on women. Maybe you could pull a Hayley Williams and dye your hair scarlet red. Please feel free to share fashion tips below. Either way, let it be known that your inclusion is crucial to #beardpact‘s success.
We may be powerless to help the Caps on their historic run for the Cup, but we are united in our support for them. Let’s show our solidarity. Let’s become sea of unhygienic, furry, red-clad maniacs. Fill up the phone booth or your local sports bar with your hairy machismo. High five a bearded stranger sometime in the next month. If it’s June, you can hug him. Let’s do this.
Razors down. Hopes up.
*note: yeah, we made up pretty much all of this.