The RMNB Alternative to NHL Guardian ‘The Capital’

The NHL has been trickling out superheroes to promote the All-Star Game. The Guardian Project challenges comics legend Stan Lee (and possibly artist Neal Adams) to create a “guardian” for each team in the league.  Sunday sees the debut of the Capital, an eagle-headed thing that sees real far.

Splendid.

Since we at Russian Machine are totals nerds for comics, we thought we’d play, too. Penciled by resident artist Rachel Cohen and inked & colored by Ian Oland, we have created our own version of The Capital– your lame, crass and tokenistic, D.C.-themed superhero™ guardian.

RMNB's Guardian

Embiggen it or just get the t-shirt.

The Capital’s past is entangled with the labyrinthine bureaucracies that erupt like cystic acne within the beltway. Following an incident involving befouled coffee at the Internal Revenue Service, The Capital was released from his duties with the government. He now uses his astonishing powers to paralyze legislative progress and regional traffic alike.

The Capital has enchanted season tickets to the Redskins, but he has not attended a game since 2004. A white, upper-class septuagenarian from Chevy Chase, he nonetheless considers himself an authentic representation of the Chocolate City. One-upping even the most strident politicians, he literally drapes himself in the Constitution. He wields the uncomfortably phallic Washington Monument Sword, forged from the finest marble and presidential teeth shavings available. He has GERD and drives a Prius. His goggles enable him to fire his legendary Optic Nepotism Blasts, which famously got his nephew a cushy gig at Northrop Grumman. His E-Z Pass has an infinite balance, and his smartphone holster is indestructible.

Day or night, you can find the Capital patrolling the tri-state area in search of crime. When crime cannot be found, he uses his powers to lecture those people who are on the left side of Metro escalators but stand still while you’re late for something.

There you have it. RMNB’s old white dude with gridlock powers versus Stan Lee’s 7-foot-tall, flying eagle monster with razor-sharp talons. Who’d win in a fight?

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  • Peter Hassett

    Well done, Rachel and Ian. You two are insane.

  • http://cramandballwell.com JerryBallwell

    Optic Nepotism Blast > Shape Shifting.

    Your guy wins!

  • Mike

    this is a hard one to call but some how I think no one wins this fight..

  • Suzanne

    hahahaha. that was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!! great work!!!

    and totally the old white dude. hands down. =P

  • Anna

    Neither would win the fight. Matt Bradley would come seemingly out of no where and handle the situation.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian
  • http://allwedoispuck.blogspot.com Angie

    LMAO! I love how his cape is made of U.S. documents and how his sword looks like a fountain pen. LOL. Love it!

  • Neil – RMNB

    O. M. G.

  • http://www.calacirian.org sonja

    LOL … well, as we all know … gridlock can tame even the scariest of monsters. I gonna vote for the old white guy who lectures left side standers on Metro elevators.

    Awesome art and story boarding …

  • http://www.irockthered.net/ IRockTheRed

    Heh.

    I like it. :-)

    I also, however, like the Stan Lee version, a good deal.

    Especially the sonic scream. Does it yell, “UNLEASH THE FURY!!!!!” ?

  • TheHornGuy

    Bravo for coming up with something far more appropriate for our team and city than the Slapshot-on-steroids from the minds at Marvel. Excelsior!

  • Peter

    Thank you kindly, Sam. I should point out that Marvel itself doesn’t have involvement in the project, just Stan Lee.

  • Katie

    Simply brilliant.

  • The Horn Guy

    Ah, that explains it. Thanks for the clarification, Peter. I had forgotten that Stan Lee was the one in charge of this. He ran out of ideas a long time ago. It was apparent when he did his “Just Imagine” miniseries showcasing how he would have created DC characters like Batman, Superman, The Flash, etc. They were interesting one-offs but ultimately dull.

    RMNB’s version of “The Capital” is closer to what I would have hoped all the NHL Guardians could be: intrinsic to their cities as well as representative of their teams, with a dash of local humor thrown in as a bone to those fans who know better. Imagine how much cooler The Bruin would be if he went around schooling idiotic fans like the one on the commercials? That would have been awesome!

  • http://camarowrx.blogspot.com Karen

    I thought the NHL Guardian for DC should be a real American Hero… like John Carlson or at least a hockey hero, like Brooks Laich… ;)

    But, in lieu of that, this is an awesome parody!

  • BobbyG

    Awesome! Thank you Rachel, for another superb creation. Your design beats the “official” one by miles. And Ian, the t-shirts rock!

    I’d like to insert The Guardian into the Caps lineup just to see what would happen. Coach BB, the puck stops here!

  • JWare

    Great post, as always. Just wondering what has happened to Prospect Watch. Always the highlight of my (two) week(s) but havent seen one in ages. Am i missing something, or is it on the way?

  • Tom

    I think the Capital should be an invincible Soviet cyborg (i.e. a Russian machine that never breaks) who is accompanied by a young all-American sidekick who specializes in thwarting Canadian hockey teams (Ottawa, Montreal, the Canadian WJC team…)

  • Peter

    @JWare

    Good question. I know Fedor had been on vacation. I’ll find out what’s up with Prospect Watch.

  • http://allwedoispuck.blogspot.com Angie

    I also want to commend you for the chocolate city reference and the link! ha! Good to know someone isn’t clueless when I talk about how DC was known as Chocolate City… lol!

  • Fedor Fedin

    @JWare PW is up in few days.

  • Owen

    These are kind of silly, but it’s fun to see what they come up with. Did you see the Penguins one? I LOLed hard. It is really lame!

  • Kirstin

    Really, in these dark days of watching the Caps struggle, my days are brightened by the hilariously ridiculous reveals of the Guardians. I didn’t think anything could top the Canuck – part whale, part man that climbs trees – but the Blue Jacket is even better. He communes with the spirits of long dead Union generals, and has a magic flag that makes people disappear. And, if I am understanding the description correctly, his fearsome cannons are 150 years old. I can only imagine his conversations w/ Generals Grant and Sherman….

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