The NHL has been trickling out superheroes to promote the All-Star Game. The Guardian Project challenges comics legend Stan Lee (and possibly artist Neal Adams) to create a “guardian” for each team in the league. Sunday sees the debut of the Capital, an eagle-headed thing that sees real far.
Since we at Russian Machine are totals nerds for comics, we thought we’d play, too. Penciled by resident artist Rachel Cohen and inked & colored by Ian Oland, we have created our own version of The Capital– your lame, crass and tokenistic, D.C.-themed superhero™ guardian.
The Capital’s past is entangled with the labyrinthine bureaucracies that erupt like cystic acne within the beltway. Following an incident involving befouled coffee at the Internal Revenue Service, The Capital was released from his duties with the government. He now uses his astonishing powers to paralyze legislative progress and regional traffic alike.
The Capital has enchanted season tickets to the Redskins, but he has not attended a game since 2004. A white, upper-class septuagenarian from Chevy Chase, he nonetheless considers himself an authentic representation of the Chocolate City. One-upping even the most strident politicians, he literally drapes himself in the Constitution. He wields the uncomfortably phallic Washington Monument Sword, forged from the finest marble and presidential teeth shavings available. He has GERD and drives a Prius. His goggles enable him to fire his legendary Optic Nepotism Blasts, which famously got his nephew a cushy gig at Northrop Grumman. His E-Z Pass has an infinite balance, and his smartphone holster is indestructible.
Day or night, you can find the Capital patrolling the tri-state area in search of crime. When crime cannot be found, he uses his powers to lecture those people who are on the left side of Metro escalators but stand still while you’re late for something.
There you have it. RMNB’s old white dude with gridlock powers versus Stan Lee’s 7-foot-tall, flying eagle monster with razor-sharp talons. Who’d win in a fight?
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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