San Jose Sharks Pregame: Bringin’ Sexy Back

Doug Johnson is a Puck Buddy. You will read his website and follow his Twitter thing.

The Puck Drop: Hey everybody! It’s a pajama party! Whooot! ZOMG, we’re gonna stay up late, an we’re gonna make popcorn, an an we’re gonna have hot chocolate! An an an we’re gonna get in our PJs and an an an we’re gonna watch the Caps!  Squeeee!!!

News Update! Dit-dit-dit-dah-dit-dit-deee-dit! Realignment on hold! Flash – Icers cry Foul on Fall festivities! Yups, the players union has turned nose down at the realignment plan handed down from on high. We’ll have more in the coming days. Stay tuned to this station…and now, we return you to your regular programming.

Before we douse ourselves in estrogen for the Caps pajama party these next few nights, let’s just have a little testosterone-based reason shall we, hmm? Yes, everyone comfortable out there? So let’s just state it: the Capitals are looking like the team they should be these last few games. Key players are doing key work, and our second-stringers– newbies and vets– are showing even more hustle than we expected four months ago. Hams, Troyboy, Wides; we’re loving you. JCar (aka “Towlely”) Halpy, Racoon, Chimmer and Alz; we never stopped.

Ovi and Sasha – you are starting to play the outsized hockey on the scale of Semin’s ginormous inflatable glow-in-the-dark Snowman/Santa display that we hoped for, and expect. Which brings us back to bringing sexy back: Angel and Greenie. 19 and 52. Nicky and Mike. Arguably, well, with the addition of Kanoooobs, there are no more two skilled Capitals; they’re good at their positions and even better at the jobs they’re asked to fill.

Except we’ve recently heard things. Things about these two… ostensibly from folk who know. We’re biting our tongue here. After all, we have…

New Years Resolutions

  • First, we resolve to dress like we look in the mirror in the morning, unlike our favorite play-by-play guy.
  • And Second, we promise we shall start fitting into our player jerseys without the awkward tight pulls.
  • And Third, we want to not traffic in filthy hockey gossip.

We want to do these things. Really we do. I’m packing my gym bag after 6 months of disuse! But we’re troubled by things we’ve heard about our angel backs – Nicky and Greenie. Ugh, we’re resolving… must be… nice…

What Makes Them Hot, And Not

Hot:Do You Know the Way to Whatever? Or where the freak ever San Jose is? Don’t get all mapquesty on us – we’ve been there, and can tell you honestly that we didn’t even know it until we had left. Nobody with any self worth and who isn’t slobbering all over pimply freaks for a hot job knows where it is, either. That’s because there’s no there there (Gertrude, you were only off by about 60 miles.) The only thing that makes this a place are the Sharks. They’ve played in teh Cow Palace – once graced by the Dead – and have the singularly most hard-assed entrance schpiel of any NHL team.

Logan Couture

Hot: Lawdy. Have you seen these boys? Get me a fan. Between Logan (and we really don’t think this is your real last name) Couture (16G-13A), Patrick Marleau (14G-16A) and Joe “Regular Joe” Pavelski (16G-13A), this team has more hitmen than the A-Team. Har har, you kids don’t even know what that is, do you? OK – they’re the guys who kick your freakin’ ass. Got it?

Hotter: AntiPasti. Or Antti Niemi, as they say up while chattering their teeth up in the northern tundra. The 6’2″ Finn is nothing extra especial, except lately when he’s in his nest, earning a SV% of .918 and a GAA of 2.29, putting him just a hairs-breath of the top ten in the NHL.

HAWT: Past is Prologue. So, lessee…when exactly was the last time the Capitals won in San Jose? Umm… Mike Knuble was still playing at U-M? Olaf Kolzig had yet to win an NHL game? Sarah Palin had just been elected to the Wasilla City Council? Yups. All dat, and we had never EVER heard of anyone with the name Kardashian. Oh… and then, as now, the Sharks boasted one of the singularly hottest lineups of ice-meat to hit the boards. Don’t believe me? Click here and tell me I’m wrong.

No… AAAAGGH!!! We can’t take it anymore! So the NHL whispering is that Nicky and Greenie aren’t quite “NHL ready” – meaning some *#$^-waffle in a suit somewhere who hasn’t seen real ice time in years thinks they’re just a little too pudgy for prime time. So… ummm, yeah, go peddle your crazy elsewhere, we’re really full up here, OK?

Backstrom and Green not “NHL ready”? WTF are you even talking about, ass hats? REALLY? Oh my stars, I see a little extra bulk on Nicky’s torso; heavens to Murgatroyd, Mike seems to have a full face these days, no? WTFF are you people talking about? HINT: this isn’t RuPaul’s “Drag Race”, OK? We’re not evaluating players based on how cut they look, or whether they could double for dip$#$*s who do Vogue spreads.

Here’s the truth for your haters to just eat: Lars Nicklas Bäckström and Michael David Green are in just freakin’ fine shape, as seen by their performance. We’ll take one Nicky or Greenie for 20 Jags or Kesslers or Pyatts or (barf) Averys any freaking day and beat the skins off you any day.

Not NHL ready? The NHL can Kiss My Ass.

What To Watch For

We’ve already broken one of our resolutions… in just about the 20 minutes it took to write it and then smoosh it into dirt. Hahaha — we’re the one’s with guilt now!

Meme Of The Night


  • Cgome005

    Hahaha! Love the meme!

  • CA

    lulz, awesome post as usualy. Racoon is Vokoun (barf) right?

  • Lrhflute

    Oh, how I’ve missed you guys!!  Brilliant, as always!!

    And who the H-E-double hockey sticks is saying that Green and Backstrom aren’t NHL ready?! Who are these people? I want to know names and valid reasons!!!

  • JessHughes

    Hope you guys intend to put some Kahlua in your hot chocolate — that’s how to properly do West Coast Game Slumber Party.  Happy New Year and welcome back — Let’s go CAPS!