Flatlining Caps Get Shutout By Islanders, 3-0

Stop showing off, Nabokov. (Photo credit: Nick Wass)

Ed. Note: In our continuing quest to bring you the least crappy product possible, we’d like to welcome Ana Hansen of the blog Hockey Yelling to the RMNB team. Ana, a 22-year-old English major at William & Mary, is witty, creative, and mentally unstable. So uhh you better give her a warm welcome in the comments below or else. You can follow her on Twitter here.

Hello Caps world! In the place of your regularly scheduled coverage you’ve got me tonight. My condolences, but not too many of them, because a hockey game happened, and that’s more important than anything else.

We lost this game, which I hope does not mean that I’m bad luck. I will be carefully monitoring this issue from here on out.

To the game, somewhat reluctantly I guess. We were supposed to win this one. The Islanders are not a particularly lethal team, but when they’re given this much space, even they can stumble into a few goals.

Tavares opened the scoring with a redirection on the PP, and the first person to mention his scoring streak gets a punch in the kisser. Parenteau made it 2-0 on a joint effort from Carlzner, Alzner with the giveaway and Carlson screening his own goalie. You’re welcome, Pareteau. Parenteau converted on the PP for his second of the night but luckily by that point, you were probably too numb to feel it. Caps lose, 3-0. Gross.

Dmitry Orlov in 'The Predator Returns.' (Via carrotbazooka.tumblr.com)

  • There was no offense to be found in all of the land. Caps somehow managed to make it to the middle of the game with only 7 SOG. The team went for Starbucks and left the Islanders to do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game. Vokoun wishes he could say he wasn’t used to this.
  • Speaking of Tomas Vokoun, he was still pretty sharp in his tenth straight start, goals against regardless. The only problem  for the Vokeswagon anymore, in fact, is the nickname “The Vokeswagon.” This is not intimidating at all. Suggestions are welcome.
  • John Carlson and Karl Alzner have been replaced by evil body doubles. I am thinking conspiracy. People in high places are involved.
  • Former Cap Milan Jurcina misses his old team terribly and wanted to pitch in somehow. Thanks for the two penalties, Juice! Not like we did anything with them but we appreciate the thought nonetheless.
  • The all-net-crash Knuble-Laich-Brouwer line should not be good. This defies every law of reason. Somehow, though, they managed to have some of the only dangerous shifts of the night.
  • Evgeni Nabokov was good or whatever, I don’t want to talk about it, it’s not like he had a lot to do. I hope he gets traded to Tampa Bay forever.
  • Even during an abysmal first period, Brooks Laich was still man enough to go down and block two shots on the PK. He deserves some loving for that. Ladies, get in line.

This game was such bad news. It was such terrible bad news. Trade Ovechkin. Send Vokoun to the AHL. Burn the Verizon Center.

Joe B suit of the night.

Nope.

You don’t have to be happy about what’s going on right now, I don’t blame you if you’re not. You have to put some kind of emotional investment into being a fan, which means you get a little crushed when your team puts up total nonsense like this. It’s okay to still love them, though. They lost this game, bad–this is a bad place, but they’re not going to be here forever. You’ll be here to see it when it turns around.

Have faith. Montreal tomorrow. Let’s go Caps.

  • Stevewozniak0418

    Nice recap!

  • Grace

    Nice write up!  Welcome to RMNB.  I was perhaps fortunate enough to be blinded by Joe B tie of the night.  Could only listen to the game.  Helped to ease my pain.  Keeping the faith.

  • Max Duchaine

    ‘Attaway, Ana.

  • shannon

    awesome as i knew it would be with you writing it, darlin’! 

    i offer my sincerest wishes that you destroy the Habs :D AREN’T I NICE :DDD 

  • http://twitter.com/dmatties Doug Matties

    I got a little chuckle with “Trade Ovechkin.  Send Vokoun to the AHL.  Burn the Verizon Center.” Well done!

  • http://twitter.com/eichboy96 Sam Eichberg

    Welcome, Ana! It sucks that this is your first recap, but good job nonetheless

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  • http://twitter.com/kat326 Rachel Cohen

    Welcome to RMNB, Ana. Good luck!! C:

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  • Julie824

    Awesome Recap and welcome. Love your blog!!!!!

  • covesdog

    I agree, great recap, Ana!

    17 shots ain’t gonna cut it!  Systems or not, we’ve got too much talent to not be able to direct shots on net.  #8 and #28 have always had their “spray and pray” games, but it’s becoming systemic to the entire team. 

  • Jesshughes51

    Welcome, Ana!  Your recap was better than the game.  Actually thankful for the back-to-back because hopefully a good game tonight will wipe out the memory of this debacle.

  • Brian

    Sarcastic, funny writeup? Check. Cool Avett Brothers-referencing Twitter name? Check. More great coverage from my favorite hockey blog? Check.

    As pleased as I am by all this…what in the world are we gonna do about the Caps??? The lack of effort is really starting to scare/depress me. What can we do???

  • Rhino40

    Liked the caption on the Orlov pic–LMAO!   Agree with this post: this game stunk, but most of them won’t (we hope).

    As for a new nickname for our current #1 goaltender, I offer these options:

    –”Sir Tomas the Denier”
    –”Bez branek pro Vás: návrat do jednoho roku“  (Czech: “No Goal for You: Come Back, One Year!”)
    –”Gut(s) Czech”
    –”Why the $%*# do I have to keep skating behind the net?!?!”
    –”Der Volkstorwart“  (German: “The Peoples’ Goalie”)
    –”Brankář lidu” (Czech:  same thing)Please discuss…

  • Rhino40

    I’ll grant you, Joe B. may indeed sport some–shall we say,  “unfortunate”–neck wear from time to time.  But when it comes to sartorial abominations in the Hockey Universe, nobody can hold a candle to “the Great Satan”, Don Cherry…