Monday night, Brendan Shanahan suspended Alex Ovechkin three games for his hit on Penguins defenseman Zbynek Michalek. Tuesday morning, George McPhee announced that Ovi would be pulling out of the All-Star Game and its festivities in Ottawa. “Because he’s a suspended player, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be there, so he’s not going to go,” McPhee told the gathered media. “He doesn’t want to be a distraction to the event.”

Fair enough. Yet Ovi’s decision to skip All-Star weekend has been met with criticism from some and anger by others. St. Louis Blues winger Andy McDonald tweeted a “a classless move by Ovi ‘opting’ out of the NHL Allstar Game.” What they don’t seem to realize is that Ovechkin has lots of other important things to be doing with his time. First things first, shaving-cream pie Mathieu Perreault.

It’ll be twelve days between when Ovechkin was suspended and when we next see him on the ice, so in the meantime, here are a few things we think he might be up to.

Record his First Solo Rap Album

Featuring the smash hit “Nuthin’ But a Red Light Thang”

Get a New Pet

Ghera gon’ love this.”

Play Basketball with the Washington Wizards

… and get Flip Saunders fired again.

Go Bird-watching

I saw it! I swear Gah!

Take his Girlfriend, Maria Kirilenko, to Disneyland

And apparently get some new tattoos.

Go to Dinner at the White House

He doesn’t want to be a distraction to this dinner.

Catch Up on “Downton Abbey”

so sick))))

Learn to Eat His Vegetables

Russian machine needs its vitamin B and E!

Start a New Fashion Trend

“I call it: pants on top of pants on top of PANTS.”

Learn to Knit

“Gon’ stich new number hat for Sasha!”

Join the Red Rockers

C-H-A-R-G-I-N-G!

While Shirtless, Present Signed Pucks to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Luckily, Chad Kroeger already has a song about being sad about a photograph.

Learn to Drive Safer

“Look, Ted!! No Hands!!”

Play in a Ball Pit

Shortly after this Ovechkin was suspended from the ball pit for three days.

Feed the Ducks


Bruce, is that you?

Additional photoshopping and hilarity by Ian Oland. The kangaroo is all his fault.

  • http://twitter.com/kat326 Rachel Cohen

    THERE ARE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE FROM LAUGHTER.

    I just…. I CAN’T. UNABLE TO CAN. I HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO CAN.

    best))))))

  • DAVE AT DISTRICT SPORTS PAGE

    And the answer is… What is waaay too much time on your hands.  But Bravo, as always.

  • Traceybee

    What she said!!!

  • Ana

    Think of all the productive things we could have accomplished with the time we spent photoshopping Ovechkin’s face on things! Cancer could have been cured. World hunger could have been ended. 

  • Sick, Unbelievable

    I’ll have some of whatever you guys are having, please.

  • http://twitter.com/lilmikeymom lilmikeysmom

    OMG 12 days???

    nice job boys

  • chris

    boys + lady!

  • emKei

    this post > superawesomeness

  • michael01a

    He actually could visit Crosby and cream-pie him :-)))
    I would actually pay 100$ to see this.

    This will be SICK

  • Betsy

    Great work. Also, Ovi apparently gets married in the Disneyland pic.

  • serpent

    You all are just not well——-thankfully!!! Great stuff, just great. i hope Ovi sees it.He has a very contagious laugh.

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  • Guest

    most of those were photoshopped, but is the chad kroeger picture real?!? lol

  • Nou

    This is pretty fantastic 

  • http://twitter.com/stephy3930 Steph

    These are all FANTASTIC!!!!

  • Knuble’s Knights

    Umm, can we spend the entire All-Star break talking about how in that knitting picture Ovi looks like he’s put on some weight?

    Also, the bloated head is a sure sign he’s back on the juice, the ‘roids, the slop, the “vitamins.” 

  • http://www.facebook.com/peter.robbio Peter Robbio

    Made my morning.  Great stuff.

  • Mongolikehockey

    Loved it!!!

  • Aim64

    You should do a 12 days of Suspension post and theme it like the 12 days of Christmas

  • HockeyMom

    That would be most awesome!!

  • http://twitter.com/TheHornGuy Sam Wolk

    WOW.

  • http://twitter.com/TheHornGuy Sam Wolk

    No, it was originally Backstrom.

  • Peter

    (Arnott)

  • Tojohnson12

    Good!

  • LuAyne Brown

    the original photo is my current wallpaper on my laptop

  • 8Sasha28

    Thank you so much – I needed a serious laugh so badly today.  OMG – freakin’ hilarious!!!

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