Monday night, Brendan Shanahan suspended Alex Ovechkin three games for his hit on Penguins defenseman Zbynek Michalek. Tuesday morning, George McPhee announced that Ovi would be pulling out of the All-Star Game and its festivities in Ottawa. “Because he’s a suspended player, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be there, so he’s not going to go,” McPhee told the gathered media. “He doesn’t want to be a distraction to the event.”
Fair enough. Yet Ovi’s decision to skip All-Star weekend has been met with criticism from some and anger by others. St. Louis Blues winger Andy McDonald tweeted a “a classless move by Ovi ‘opting’ out of the NHL Allstar Game.” What they don’t seem to realize is that Ovechkin has lots of other important things to be doing with his time. First things first, shaving-cream pie Mathieu Perreault.
It’ll be twelve days between when Ovechkin was suspended and when we next see him on the ice, so in the meantime, here are a few things we think he might be up to.
Record his First Solo Rap Album
Featuring the smash hit “Nuthin’ But a Red Light Thang”
Get a New Pet
“Ghera gon’ love this.”
Play Basketball with the Washington Wizards
… and get Flip Saunders fired again.
I saw it! I swear Gah!
Take his Girlfriend, Maria Kirilenko, to Disneyland
And apparently get some new tattoos.
Go to Dinner at the White House
He doesn’t want to be a distraction to this dinner.
Catch Up on “Downton Abbey”
Learn to Eat His Vegetables
Russian machine needs its vitamin B and E!
Start a New Fashion Trend
“I call it: pants on top of pants on top of PANTS.”
Learn to Knit
“Gon’ stich new number hat for Sasha!”
Join the Red Rockers
While Shirtless, Present Signed Pucks to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback
Luckily, Chad Kroeger already has a song about being sad about a photograph.
Learn to Drive Safer
“Look, Ted!! No Hands!!”
Play in a Ball Pit
Shortly after this Ovechkin was suspended from the ball pit for three days.
Feed the Ducks
Additional photoshopping and hilarity by Ian Oland. The kangaroo is all his fault.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.