Photo edit: Ian Oland

Everybody has skeletons in their closet. For instance, when I was six years old, my dad showed up to one of my school assemblies dressed up as a globe for Earth Day. He wore blue tights, a big giant globe costume, and I just realized that no power in the world is going to make me finish this story here.

One of our Swedish commenters, Dodagarenik, forwarded us a video of Evgeny Kuznetsov that might come back to haunt him.

First, some context.

If you’ve been following us for awhile, you know that the 19-year-old Caps prospect is one of our favorites. The Caps’ 2010 first round draft pick is one of the leading scorers in the KHL, he has set records for his age group, and he was the MVP of 2012 World Junior Championship. Whenever he decides to start his North American career, he will be a big-time player for the Washington Capitals. Knowing this, we’ve tasked Fedor Fedin and Igor Kleyner with translating every major Russian interview that Kuznetsov’s done over the past two years so that Caps fans can get to know him more.

Beyond hockey, some of the things we’ve learned about Kuznetsov are that he enjoys cupcakes, wearing crocs, watching Steven Seagal movies, and singing.

“Oh, how I sing!” Igor translated Kuznetsov saying earlier this season. “I always went to the grand piano [as a kid]. They were begging me ‘Kuznetsov, please shut up. Don’t ruin the song.’ I have a horrible ear. But I sang anyway.”

How bad of an ear? Well, thanks to Dodagarenik, now we know.

Below, Evgeny Kuznetsov — who we surmise is around the age of 16 or 17 in the video — screams the lyrics of the popular Russian late-70′s hit “Rozovye Rozy” [Ed note: "Pink Roses"] by the band Vesyolye Rebyata. Fair warning, he also dances in this video – so basically, you want to press play.

Yeesh.

The band’s name loosely translates into “The Funny Guys”, one of the more popular pop bands in Russian in the 70s and 80s. Kuzya sings along with the chorus. Outside of the lyrics, most of what Kuznetsov is saying is unintelligible. The person videotaping the Caps prospect can be heard threatening him to put the video on Russia’s equivalent of Facebook, which is what any good friend would do under these circumstances.

In a world of portable video and high-bandwidth Internet connections, you have two options: never do anything embarrassing, or live in constant fear of your inevitable public shaming. Kuznetsov has made his choice. A shrieking and pitchless choice. Considering Alex Ovechkin’s recent foray into the world of rap, Kuzya is in good company.

Here’s Vesyolye Rebyata performing the song live in Russia.

Lyrics

It’s Sveta Sokolova’s birthday
She is turning 30 years old
I am giving her happy birthday wishes
And a huge pink bouquet
Remember your birthday in 5th grade
You were turning 12
I made every guy jealous
I brought you a pink bouket

Pink roses for Svetka Sokolova
Svetka Sokolova, a girl from my class
I am giving her pink roses again
In memory of our school days

I know we are no longer kids
And you have your own friends
But the best years of our lives
Are the gift from our memory
It’s Sveta Sokolova’s birthday
She is turning 30 years old
I am giving her happy birthday wishes
And a huge pink bouquet

Pink roses for Svetka Sokolova
Svetka Sokolova, a girl from my class
I am giving her pink roses again
In memory of our school days

Additional reporting by Igor Kleyner and Fedor Fedin.

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  • Rob

    It actually translates to “Merry Guys” or “Happy Guys”

  • Pdelpielago

    Wow….he really reminds me of Rusty in National Lampoon’s European Vacation.

  • Mike Reppenhagen

    I could not be happier about this guy being a Capital very soon.

  • http://twitter.com/FedFedRMNB Fe(yo)dor Fedin

    Or “Cheerful Guys”. A lot of translations, but word “happy” is a bit different.

  • BobG

    Kinda reminds me of Gary or Wyatt in the movie “Weird Science”

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  • Omar Melhem

    Can’t wait for our Geno to arrive in the district.