Four Fictional Hockey Teams That Could Beat the Capitals

Karl B DeBlaker

Photo credit: Karl B DeBlaker

Over one thousand posts and we’ve never seen the Caps this bad. After watching them get wiped out by the singular wretchedness that is the Carolina Hurricanes, we realized that any unit of hockey players anywhere in the world could have beaten our boys in this one. The entire intramural team at Colgate could get brainerd diarrhea and still mollywhop Alex and company. The 1974 Caps coulda shut ’em down. Probably the ’73 team, too. So we had to wonder…

What fictional hockey teams could have beaten the Caps tonight?

District 5, pre-Gordon Bombay, from The Mighty Ducks

Despite the raw talent of Charlie Conway, the preternatural hotness of Connie “The Velvet Hammer” MoreauGuy Germaine‘s poise, and Greg Goldberg’s presence in the cage, the District 5 team lacked both an identity and a single win on their season. But with the space Schultz and Green would most likely afford him, even Spazway would swing enough to give the Caps more than a cold.  District 5 beats Caps 1-0.

The team from Most Valuable Primate

A three-year old chimpanzee named Jack joined his foster family’s junior league hockey team and hijinx ensued. They were a ragtag bunch, but Jack’s inhuman talent (no seriously, he’s not human) with the twig gave them the boost they needed to beat their people-y opponents. But how did they fare against the ’10-’11 Capitals? Well, Jack has twice the upper-body strength of Jason Chimera (and 3x Mathieu Perreault), so battles along the boards were no contest, and the feces-throwing thing was a huge advantage while a man-down. Jack beats Caps 4-2.

The pick-up team on the roof in Clerks

Warning: strong language. Double warning: Penguins jersey

Lifelong friends Dante Hicks and Randal Graves are eternal losers and omega-level slackers, but they’ve got some decent game when it comes to shinny. Hosting the Capitals on the roof of the Quick Stop, the New Jersey pick-up team were underdogs according to most sports books. But a gametime decision gave a sweater to expected scratch Dante Hicks, who would repeatedly reminded Pierre McGuire that he wasn’t even supposed to be there today. The Clerks would go on to score “somewhere around 36” goals on a beleaguered Braden Holtby, although some inventive stat-keeping would ameliorate the final score: Clerks beat Caps 3-2.

Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar from Wayne’s World

Wayne and Garth had Aurora, Illinois’ best home record so long as intermittent traffic didn’t halt play. Although their roster was drastically depleted due to an outbreak of hurling following a bad pre-game meal at Stan Mikita’s, Wayne and Garth still mounted an impressive attack on the Capitals– keeping Alex Ovechkin pointless and baffling Alex Semin with some clever asphinctersayswhat? chirps. Nonetheless, the Caps actually came out on top in this one after Garth left the game, later telling Al Koken he was “feeling a little funny, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.” Caps beat Wayne’s World 6-5. Party time. Excellent

Thanks to my buddy Andrew Ahrens, from whom– let’s be honest– I stole most of these jokes.

  • Wish

    Wait, did you just call an underage girl preternaturally hot?

    She’d better be an incubus. Or succubus. Whichever of those is female-shaped.

    …that said, this seems fair and accurate.

  • Peter

    Well, it’s like — I know she would later GET hot, cause I saw her in that awful vampire movie. So I feel like … uhhh… no that was just dumb. Sorry.


    Thank god ya’ll exist. I was about to slash my wrists. Got to laughing so hard I dropped the knife and kind find it. Well, there’s always Wednesday night!

  • Wish

    So what you’re saying is that a time-travelling possibly vampiric succubus female hockey player is hot and could beat the Caps?  Because I can’t really argue with that.  That sounds like an awesome combination. 

  • Peter

    I would watch that 82 times a year.

  • Wish

    Me too. Let’s throw a pitch to NBC Sportswhatever and maybe they’ll fund this project.

  • hmm

    I still felt really sad and disappointed when I woke up, recalling the horror of last night’s game, but this was hilarious.  Thanks for that laugh.

  • Brilliantly awesome … 

  • JessHughes

    I agree with all the posters so far — this was sorely needed.  Last night really s*cked.

  • Slapshot was left out with the Hanson Bro’s?

  • You’re forgetting the team from Mystery, Alaska.  They definitely would have kicked our ass.

  • MGP

    A Flying V from the Mighty Ducks would make Tomas Vokoun’s head explode.

  • pucker up

    Well, shoot! I think i’ve got it. Our Caps have been abducted by aliens and replaced with a curling team from Alpha Centuri. Ya think they’ll give ’em back if we let them keep Sarge and a broom?