The Boston Bruins Are Absolutely Terrifying

Photo credit: Getty Images

By now, you’ve probably heard that the Caps should be afraid of the Boston Bruins. If you haven’t, the Bruins will tell you so themselves! Every once in awhile, there comes along a team that’s completely convinced that they are the Broad Street Bullies reincarnated, and who’s to say they aren’t? As we know, tough-guy posturing is an actual hockey skill, and the Bruins have been beating the Caps cold in this category all year, if not beating the Caps in many actual hockey games.

We’ve already profiled Milan Lucic, the power forward who is a known threat to players wearing twenty extra pounds of pads, but let’s take a look at the team as a whole, the schoolyard bullies of the NHL, the Cobra Kai to our Karate Kid.

Many analysts have predicted that the Caps will be no match for the Bruins’ legendary blueline, featuring such impenetrable bastions of defense as Joe Corvo and Greg Zanon.

Photo credit: Naoko Funayama

The Caps should especially be wary of Boston behemoth Zdeno Chara, who is well known for the clever defensive maneuver of being a tall person. There is perhaps no player in the league whose reputation is so cartoonishly exaggerated impressive, and the Caps should make every effort to avoid a crushing hit or a blazing slapshot from the Bruins defenseman, or cricks in their neck from looking up at him.

Washington will also have to watch for the scoring prowess of Tyler Seguin, who led the team this year with 29 goals (otherwise known as “an Ovechkin down year”). Seguin is a feared sniper with a nose for the net. Known weaknesses: tequila, alarm clocks, spelling.

Seguin’s partner in drunken bad decisions, Brad Marchand, will also be an impossible obstacle for the Caps, as he’s an accomplished agitator and nobody behind the Caps bench knows anything whatsoever about being a pest.

Photo credit: Reuters

This faultless team is led by Claude Julien, a modern-day tactical genius and the author of such brilliant defenses as “he started it” and “well, they’re just stupidheads”. If there’s one person who’s been unfailingly humble about the Bruins’ reputation, it’s the Boston coach, always quick to insist that he is coaching a team full of innocent lambs who never do anything aggressive or wrong.

As you can see, it’s absolutely impossible for the Caps to beat the Bruins in a postseason series. They are an unstoppable machine composed of flawless parts, and absolutely not a team previously sustained by mindgames, bullying, and a hot goalie. There’s nothing to be done, the Caps must simply wave the white flag. After all, every analyst in the entire world can’t possibly be wrong, can they?

  • KP

    where do the Bruins themselves tell us how terrifying they are???

  • Rgarvey

    Free John Erskine

  • RockinRedGratefulDead

    Are you serious?! Using a picture of Boston players visiting a sick kid in the hospital to sarcastically pick on them? Where’s the class? Ruthless. 

  • serpent

    Guess Dale’s just gonna have to put the jersey back on and teach the kids how it’s done, especially the quiet one, Hendricks. Lead by example, they say.

  • Max

    There. Done.

  • LionGirl

    I think I love you.

  • Ana
  • Ana

    Man, if you can’t see anything funny about a 7 foot tall man in a bunny suit, I don’t know what to tell you. 

  • serpent

    Precious, isn’t he!

  • We can always get Mathieu Perrault to high -stick Chara again.  And pay someone to sneak into Tyler Seguin’s room and futz with his alarm clock.

  • Andrew

    These posts have been amazing. Plain and simple. Caps in 6.

  • Mustard16

    amazing post. go caps go!!!

  • SO_CAL_Brat

    I love this effing post so damn much I want to scream in my crappy oppressive cubical. What makes it even more bad@$$?…that a woman wrote it!

    Alright CAPS….I’m ready….LETS DO THIS!!!

  • Peter

    Seconded. Ana, you are sick and depraved and Wrong with a capital WRONG.

  • Peter

    p.s. that kid is a Habs fan

  • Luke

    It’s so funny.  I feel the same way about this team.  I really didn’t think they should have won it all last year, and I think they just had a lot of confidence.  Good for them, but if the Capitals can get an ounce of their own confidence (the only thing missing in my mind from this team), the Bruins won’t blow them out at the least, and we could expect the Caps to win it

    On another note, their fans don’t really find them to be that tough either.  I was at the game in Boston when the Caps won in a shootout, and after a few screw ups from Seguin, I heard the fan behind me yell: “C’mon Seguin, maybe if you actually practiced once in a while instead of beating up girls in clubs you would score those”

  • Zombieland

    Can some one put up a Dale Hunter/Bill Murray Side by side. Am I the only one who sees this? 

  • Peter

    Ana Hansen is my pen name.

  • Ana

    I’m Peter’s Id.

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  • Guestz

    closest i could find

  • SO_CAL_Brat

     I woke up this morning so sure that I had all of life’s basic mysteries figured out…..evolution, relative motion, how the Florida Panthers really won the Southeast:

    ….RMNB has pen names? Mind Blown. Carry on….I know nothing.

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  • 5bells

    The overdone sarcasm is kind of unsettlingly reminiscent of that “Fire Bruce Boudreau” post. (And remember that “jinxiest jinx of all jinxes” one from last year…) No jinxing of the team or begging for cosmic payback, k?

  • 5bells

     Might’ve been better cropped, at least so the hospitalized kid isn’t a focal point :/