2011-12 Year-End Review: Karl Alzner

Photo credit: Clydeorama

[Ed. note: This summer, RMNB will review each Washington Capitals player. We will discuss each roster player by the standards we deem important, such as statistical performance and alternate-universe superhero identity. Enjoy.]

There was no sophomore slump for Karl Alzner. The Caps’ young stud defenseman continued to play big minutes in all situations and keep a level head while doing so. Sure, he made a few mistakes this season. Perhaps three and a half mistakes, but he has to do that, so that people don’t catch onto the fact that he’s perfect.

Cap Hit for 2011-12: $1.285 M. Alzner is signed with the Capitals through 2012-13, and will be RFA following the expiration of that contract.

Best Moments: We all know about his flawless defense, but we liked him fighting Steve Downie, and calling Milan Lucic a crybaby.

Credit: welshhockeyfan.tumblr.com

We also probably enjoyed his dogs trashing his house a lot more than he did.

Things We Said About Karl Alzner: “Karl Alzner is soooo underrated. We saw him at this tiny venue years ago when he wasn’t even famous.”

Alignment: Lawful Good

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Photo credit: Nick Wass

Media Consensus: Caps media: “Oh my god, Karl Alzner.” Other media: “Who?”

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Beardman, one half of the superhero team-up known as Carlzner.

Spirit Animal: Young buck.

Photo credit: Dale Willett

Team Role: Exceptional shutdown defenseman, solid and responsible positional player. It is also Karl’s job to babysit defensemen who are struggling at any given time.

Execution of that Role: Alzner was a rock on the blueline even during the tough times this year, making his value clear while drawing little attention to himself.

Postseason Performance: Alzner and defensive lifepartner John Carlson did a great job shutting down Boston’s top line, and continued to be the Caps’ best defensemen on the ice throughout the rest of the playoffs. He also probably saved the season right here.

Beard Rating: Eleven out of ten.


Photo credit: Caps 365

We are not worthy.

Likeliness to Return: Nine out of ten. If there any goodness or justice in the world, Carlson and Alzner will be anchoring the blueline and being weird roommates for the Capitals for a decade to come.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Karl is smart and has good instincts, plus he could probably defend us pretty well. (Get it? Defend? …We’ll be here all week, tip your waitress.) Six out of ten.

Overall Year-End Rating: Ten Good Sashas.

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  • Josie

    Karl Alzner is from heaven, no doubt about it.

  • http://www.calacirian.org sonja n a

    This post … right here … is among the many reasons I look forward to reading your blog every day. I will smile for a long time now … thank you!

  • missmargaret

    If only all sports media would rate players thusly!

  • http://twitter.com/danielpholt Daniel Philip Holt

    You guys rock. This post has made my afternoon.

  • http://twitter.com/eichboy96 Sam Eichberg

    This is hilarious!!

  • Hockey Mom

    Love this! Can’t wait to read all of them. “Defensive lifepartner John Carlson”…cracked me up! Oh, and the “good Sashas” as a rating system? Priceless.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hayden.chamberlain.33 Hayden Chamberlain

    can’t wait to see what that beard looks like in the cup finals

  • Akay15

    You guys at RMNB are probably the most hilarious writers ever. I read the 11 out of 10 beard rating first before I scrolled down to the picture and promptly laughed out loud in my quiet office. I’m so glad I found this blog. This is why Caps fans are the best. GO CAPS!!!!!!!!!!

  • Rhino40

    Think “ZZ Top”

  • Rhino40

    Absolut Gold, Ana…as always, RMNB never disappoints.

    One question, though: The “10 good Sashas” rating seems self-explanatory, but what’s the polar opposite? As in “how did [player X] even crack an NHL roster?” Would that be “zero Good Sashas” or or “10 Bad Sashas”?

  • hai

    Seriously. I love you guys.

  • serpent

    Oh, crap! i had hoped to be done with #87 Wassisname photos! ACK!! BARF!!
    Other than that, this piece is a gem, as is our Karl.

  • freckleface81

    He seems like a genuinely nice guy too. I had the day off of work so I went to (what turned out to be) the last practice of the year–Friday before NYR Game 7 and he came outside after all smiles, signing a bunch of stuff for the fans waiting there, spending extra time with the kids (and getting down low for them to actually get a chance of seeing him!). I suppose a lot of them do this kind of thing during the regular season (do they? I’d never gone to practice before) but I just thought it was really decent of him him and he seemed like he was doing it to be nice not because he “had” to.

  • KareeLyn

    Karl was for me, the highlight of the season. Silver lining, Karl.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    ditto. he was a rock.