This t-shirt can be bought here. (Illustration by Rachel Cohen)

Wednesday night was supposed to be the Pittsburgh Penguins’ first visit to Verizon Center this season. Because of the NHL lockout, we won’t get to see Matt Cooke trolling or Sidney Crosby caterwauling plaintively at the refs. We’ll just have to settle for candy instead.

Hating Pittsburgh sports is coded into my DNA. I’m physically sick over this. Gary Bettman is depriving me of my regular Sidney Crosby hate, and now I am indescribably sad.

To cheer myself up, I have compiled these GIFs from the Alex Ovechkin “Sorry, Penguin” commercial. And now I share them with you. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll wave $15 goodbye.

GIFs created by bohvechkin.

Now please leave us some naughty but PG-rated comments about the Penguins below. With your words of hatred, we can all get through this together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Chastain/1573260692 Stephen Chastain

    I strongly dislike the Pittsburgh Penguins! They are probably ranked 30/30 on the list of teams that I like! They are bad and the Capitals are good. Sidney Crosby is my least-favorite player! Not only is he not a particularly masculine character, but he is also, unfortunately, good at hockey, which makes it that much worse when he plays against the Capitals! GRR Penguins make me mad…

    Look guys my heart’s just not in this. Lockout’s got me dead inside :(

  • Welsh Hockey Fan

    I didn’t make those gifs btw :)

  • Dark Stranger

    The Pittsburgh Penguins are part of the “Unholy Trinity” of sports which include the Dallas Cowboys in football and the NY Yankees in baseball. All three teams are overhyped, along with being relatively successful franchises. All three teams are hated by many other fan bases.

    For the record, I initially could not stand the Pittsburgh Pirates who, at the time were actually good and an arch-rival to my main favorite team. (Yes, I’m showing my age.) This was the Pirates of the 70’s, climaxing with the “We are Family” edition from 1979. So, I began to dislike the Penguins due to the association with that particular city. But as time passed, I hated the Penguins for their own merits. Successful and obnoxious and beating the Caps for so many heartbreaking playoff losses. I’ll admit I dislike the Penguins enough to the point where if they got eliminated from the playoffs, I vowed to attend a game in the stadium of the “eliminating” team and root for that team. Of course, I would strategically choose the game to be a day the Caps were out of town and the opponent were someone I could root against with a clear conscience. Hence, I took a trip to Montreal in 2011 to root for them vs Tampa Bay.

    Do not like the current edition of the team where players are slash artists, including Brooks Orpik, who’s been known to slash a player or two (and complain about our guys). And do not like Crosby who seems to get away with shenanigans other players would get suspended for. (Rumor had it — his slashes caused Claude Giroux’s broken wrists.)

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I found the person. It was Kate. I guess I just assumed you did them because they were so well done. Thanks for the heads up!

  • Welsh Hockey Fan

    No problem, and thanks haha :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/geo.cooley Geo Cooley

    I cant say anything PG rated….as much as I try to , I just cant.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ray.oneill Ray O’Neill
  • http://twitter.com/rmobrien21 Rachel O’Brien

    forget the penguins lets hope that hair style never comes back. sesshhhh

  • Dark Stranger

    Here’s the latest from Peerless Prognosticator about a Caps/Penguins game that took place today in an alternate universe, where there was no lockout.. The write up brings back memories,

    http://peerlessprognosticator.blogspot.com/

  • Hokaheyhockey

    This would be so much more satisfying if it was Ovie bashing Bettman….

  • breaklance

    Remember that time in the playoffs a woman passed out hundreds of pacifiers before the game for our favorite ‘guin? Good times, good times.

  • Moira Donohue

    My son and I had tickets to that game. As much as I “don’t care” for the Penguins, I also “don’t care” for the NHL right now- this lockout s*****s!

  • Rhino40

    I guess you could say that the Penguins are responsible for my development and maturation as a hockey fan…in much the same way that Satan is responsible for making some people more fully embrace their (Judaeo-Christian) faith.

    One of my favorite conspiracy theories is that the Jagr Debacle was a diabolically clever ruse by Craig Patrick to inflict even more suffering on Caps fans.

    For those who don’t already know this: I grew up in Northern California at a time when the Sharks didn’t exist, the Ducks didn’t exist, and the Kings were still regarded—by people who “knew about hockey” as arrivistes. All that I knew about hockey (at the time) was the occasional reports I’d heard on TV: reports of some red-hot rookie up in a place called Edmonton who was making an unstoppable frontal assault on the NHL record books.

    Fast-forward to 1986: I move from San Diego to DC with my parents. I was a working man–not the “generous, successful professional” (translation: “Sugar Daddy”) that every D.C. woman–or at least those who put personal ads in Washingtonian magazine– seemed to want. So, I had to find some way to occupy myself on my (many) open-calendar Saturday nights. It was at this time I truly discovered hockey and the Caps (in no particular order) and quickly came to embrace the latter as My Team.

    It was also at this time that I learned the true difference between a Rival and an Enemy: A Rival is someone you want very much to defeat, but there is a measure of respect as well. A Enemy, on the other hand, is someone you want to crush, disgrace, and annihilate by any means necessary, because you hate ‘em, Hate ‘Em, HATE ‘EM!!!.

    Hence it is also the Penguins who taught me that, although there are several rivals, there is only one Enemy…and that Enemy is Pittsburgh!!

    That said, I think I hate The Bettman even more than the Penguins, and that’s not easy!