110714_Joe_Corvo_Mugshot

Photo credit: Boston Police Department

If the Washington Capitals were this bad last year, and the only thing that kept them afloat was Dale Hunter’s coaching, I feel like I’d owe him an apology. On Tuesday, instead of watching NCIS: Los Angeles, starring LL Cool J and Robin from Batman Forever, we all watched the Carolina Hurricanes mollywhomp the Caps. It was just wretched hockey, the kind so intolerable you’d think it’d inspire change in the organization. You’d think.

It was bad. It was really bad. How bad? Joe Corvo scored. Yeah. That bad.

Canes beat Caps 4-0.

  • Maybe this is all punishment for the PuckBuddys pregamer.
  • The game’s first goal was a weird one. Fired from below the goal line, the puck appeared to bounce off the back of Braden Holtby‘s shoulder/mask before dropping into the net. I don’t really know what to make of it, and I’ll defer to goalie experts if they correct me, but it appears Holtby has surrendered goals in consecutive games because he failed to lock down the post.
  • Joe Corvo scored that goal. That’s pirate-looking, do-nothing, ex-Cap, nigh-felon Joe Corvo. Semin got the assist, as if the night could’ve been any less pleasant. Nice try.
  • But if you’re looking for Sasha drama, this game had it all in the second period. Alex Ovechkin‘s stick caught Alex Semin in the face on a followthrough. Semin went down, but heroically recovered so that he could be… hit in the face by Braden Holtby’s stick like 30 seconds later. Classic.
  • The Caps played a tight first period, but the Canes pulled away late while facing the Perreault line. After that it was all Carolina, who outshot the Caps by a healthy margin at the end of 60 minutes.
  • Marcus Johansson had four very strong opportunities to score– all set up by Alex Ovechkin, He converted none, which I guess I have to chalk up to bad luck. Still, he has no business playing with Ovechkin, who really needs teammates who drive play rather than suppress it.
  • Riley Nash tapped in a very sneaky shot by Jay Harrison to make it 2-0, and making Caps fans very cranky in the process. Crankiness worsened a few moments later, when a hasty toot of the ref’s whistle denied Mathieu Perreault a tally.
  • Jeff Schultz lost the race to an iced puck. Patrick Dwyer won and served the puck to Riley Nash, who had a layup for his second goal of the night. Schultz has never been fast, but yeeeeeeeeeesh. He looked like a tranquilized giraffe back there.
  • On the second thought, maybe filling the blueline with AHL players was a tactical misstep.
  • Alex Ovechkin is still stuck on 699. He’s been pointless for a week now. Meh, I don’t like that word: pointless. Let’s say he was held without a point. Ovechkin didn’t have a shot on net all night, probably because he spent most of his opportunities in the offensive zone setting up whiffs for Marcus Johansson.
  • Steve Oleksy dropped the mitts with Drayson Bowman, who should own a yacht with a name like that. Oleksy won by punching a lot. If only fists were pucks.
  • Who is this Justin Peters person?

Guys, I have some thoughts I wanna share with you about the Caps’ chances of making the playoffs. I’m just not sure tha—–

Oh. Good point, Jim Mora. My bust.

Here is what Joe B looked like tonight. His tie wasn’t as ugly as this game, but it was close.

joe b suit of the night

The Capitals now travel to Carolina, where they will lose to the Hurricanes on Thursday.

*mic drop*

  • http://twitter.com/_Starlet_ Starlet Smith

    We need gifs of the sticks to Semin’s face, pronto!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    On it. Will have a post in a bit.

  • http://twitter.com/deniscarmo Denis Carmo

    The only good thing about that game was the pounding that Olesky gave to Bowman. Start preparing next season already, it would be wise..

  • sentientcheese

    Not gonna lie. Every time I see a puck buddy pregamer, we lose. badly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=734980430 Ross Andrews

    Hahaha – I needed this

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=696526614 Mike Reppenhagen

    MoJo has never been able to finish. Why would you put a guy who can’t finish on the same line as Ovi?

  • http://www.calacirian.org sonja n a

    This was very well done and funny … but I won’t smile again til I see the Caps skate full speed for 60 minutes. I’m so tired of them looking like they’re sailing around the rink looking at the roof because they’re bored … or something.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shehryar.shaukat Shehryar Shaukat

    the joe corvo pic at the top was awesome. wish i could say the same about the caps though

  • Yourwriterssuck

    Wow…can this writer go back to middle school and learn some technique? Grammar, punctuation, sentence structure. Is this supposed to be as horrible as the game or merely showing the caliber of quality this site has? Oh, wait. You’re trying to be as crappy as the Caps have been. Ok, now I get it.

  • Ned

    About sums it up

  • http://www.facebook.com/samuelcmiller Samuel Miller

    > You’re trying to be as crappy as the Caps have been. Ok, now I get it.

    Bah, I think you mean YOUR, not YOU’RE.

    Hahahahaha look at this guy; trying to correct grammer. And then having bad grammor itself. Wat a jerk.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shehryar.shaukat Shehryar Shaukat

    also, why does Joe Corvo have a mugshot from the Boston PD?

  • http://www.facebook.com/samuelcmiller Samuel Miller

    Just looked it up,
    “Corvo was arrested in November 2002 in Boston after he grabbed a 34-year-old woman’s buttocks in a restaurant. Restaurant staff told him
    to leave, but Corvo returned, punched the woman and then kicked her when
    she fell to the ground, police said. Corvo was given a three-year
    suspended sentence after he pleaded guilty to assault. Corvo was also
    suspended for three games by the Kings”

    Wow.

  • Rob

    Time to sell current for future.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shehryar.shaukat Shehryar Shaukat

    damn. thanks

  • Guest

    My favorite part is when you complain about peter’s sentence structure with a sentence fragment.

  • Chris

    you guys really hate joe corvo haha

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Google it.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    NICE TRY GEORGE MCPHEE I AM ONTO YOU

  • brian!

    Irregardless of grammir, the principle was acceptible ahd we should acomodate his argument. Alot of it.

  • Hockeynightincanada

    Play a 60 minute effort? This is a George McPhee’s Caps team we’re talking about here.

  • Hockeynightincanada

    Poor Oates, nothing is clicking for this team. Like I said before, an improved roster with great balance would thrive under him, or even Hunter.

    Reductions in season ticket renewals are our only hopes of seeing a change in the front office though, otherwise, we’re unfortunately stuck with GMGM.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Not but seriously, this was by far the worst grammar I’ve ever published. I might have been ragetyping.

  • Hockeynightincanada

    +10

  • Hockeynightincanada

    Corvo’s success in 5 words: Game Two Eastern Conference Finals

  • http://www.facebook.com/DougBJohnson Doug Johnson

    Duly noted

  • http://twitter.com/VeggieTart Danielle

    He’s been the only bright spot in the last three games.

  • http://twitter.com/VeggieTart Danielle

    “Irregardless” is not a word.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    SERVED!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1374634677 Anna Roscigno

    Is it time for the return of Voldemort?! Time for another rubber chicken to lose its head?!! Something has to change…this is just straight up painful to watch…another game like this and I might go off the patio balcony (all of 10 feet) just to end the misery!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/_Queless Gerry Q

    Why would you take him out of the press box?

  • scott

    And selling off the present for the future isnt really a big options, no ones going to take greens 6.25 mill or carlson 4.

    Only good news the last 2 days is dimya return to the bears and laich skating with the team today. missed that one rmnb :)

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capitals-insider/wp/2013/03/12/brooks-laich-skates-with-capitals-calls-it-a-huge-step-in-recovery/?wpmk=MK0000205

  • Yv

    It was painful to watch the game in VC. It started well but when somewhere like 5 super scoring chances was not realize it was a matter of time when Car will use their opportunities. And they got it thanks to Holtby. After that the game was over. Even sparkling fight by Oleksy could not revive it. Caps now practically done and dead. On the next game I’m sure dozen vultures/scouts would be at the game. The only interest left is how big the sale will be and whether GM will survive it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/DougBJohnson Doug Johnson

    Which would include the Devils? And the Bruins? And the Canes (the first time?) ‘Cause, you know, we have the power to change these things.

  • http://twitter.com/Freedoooom Chase

    I really don’t know how CSN came up with the idea that Oleksy was the Caps player of the game… Ovechkin was involved in every scoring chance for the Caps except for a couple.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kittileen Eileen Dailey Lucas

    I only have one word….. SEMIN!!! :D

  • Yourwritingsucks

    You’re- as in YOU ARE TRYING… dumbass

  • Youarearetard

    SERVED?! You are an idiot writer and you get wood with irregardless not being a word?! Go back to school, moron.

  • Samuelthestupid

    No, it is you’re. As in you’re fucking stupid and should learn how to write before commenting.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett
  • http://twitter.com/TheRealWheatley Dylan Wheatley

    I would like to congratulate the Washington Salary Caps on their singularly impressive loss tonight.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1005713165 Pat Magee

    Cute quote about the AHLers on the blue line. Too bad shultz isn’t one. Also note how much better Oleksy is doing than any of the others…… It’s really sad, isn’t it? :(

  • vahockeymom

    Improved roster is key, isn’t it? Look at Carolina’s first line, and then look at the Caps “first line.” Ouch.

  • vahockeymom

    Best part of the game, right here. Thanks guys.

  • http://twitter.com/make_lemons Michelle

    Great game!!!! Go Canes!!!

  • http://twitter.com/buckykatt60 J Frazier

    Hahahaha!

  • http://www.facebook.com/reiderm Matthew J Reider

    Which forward who has never been able to finish would you put up there instead?

  • Red

    I’m tired of saying this, but Shultz has no business playing professional hockey. Some players just cannot thrive within certain types of systems. Shultz on the other hand, would be a detriment to ANY team in the league. He’s slow, uncoordinated, and has a fervent aversion to physical contact of any kind. Just a lifeless jersey floating around the rink. The man doesn’t have the basic skill set required even for a bottom dwelling defenseman. The longer we play him, the more he’ll continue to sabotage the Caps in the back end.

  • Rhino40

    )))))))) best

  • Capt (20) Obvious Conspiracy

    “maybe filling the blueline with AHL players was a tactical [...]”

    It doesn’t matter where they come from, sitting “sick” player X a couple of games here, bringing in players Y and Z for a couple of games there, strange healthy scratches A and B, line juggling shell game every two games…I wonder what the organization could possibly think would happen by doing such things? Actually, I don’t wonder at all.

  • Scott

    Where is the GIF of Ribeiro getting absolutely flipped in a hit early in the first? I walked into VC just in time to watch him go upside down.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=12721111 Lindsay Ann

    Where did the Joe B./Laughlin photo come from? I’ve been scoring the internet for them… take a picture of the TV?

  • http://twitter.com/_Starlet_ Starlet Smith

    Thanks, man. Love ‘em!