No, Screw It, I’m Not Growing a Beard This Time

beardpact

Since 2010, RMNB has been keeping track of Caps fans’ playoff beards under the banner #beardpact. It’s been our way of keeping in touch regarding our ill-advised facial-hair enterprises, sending some traffic towards Beard-a-Thon, and having a few laughs.

Maybe that’s been fun for you, but it’s been hell for me.

When I can actually grow a beard, I look really bad. Like Nick Backstrom bad. And my so-called friends have this awful habit of getting married during the playoffs. Like every goddamn year. It’s as if their wives didn’t even care about Bruce Boudreau’s job. And have you ever tried to talk to a smart and sophisticated lady while you have the facial scruff of a pubescent seventh grader?

So, yeah. Not this year, guys. I am not growing a playoff beard.

I could pretend like this is an anti-superstition thing, but it’s not. While I still vehemently believe that my scratchy-ass face has absolutely no effect on the Washington Capitals’ unblocked even-strength shot-attempt differential while the score is close, that’s not why I’m bailing on #beardpact. I’m just sick of letting everyone down every year.

Check it.

I’ll be attending a wedding on May 18th. I’ve decided to stay clean-shaven for the duration of the playoffs rather than break ranks after two weeks, provided– knock on Rechlicz’s stick– the Caps are still in it by then.  I find it’s better to disappoint you a little now than disappoint you a lot later.

And c’mon. This wasn’t a good look for me.

bearded.fw

I won’t blame the desolation that is my social calendar on my futile beard-growing efforts, but I detect a statistically significant correlation in there that I’d like to get peer-reviewed if anyone has a TI-83 and some spare time. In general: no, the womenfolk did not take kindly to the soupcatcher.

So I’m out. I acknowledge that I am violating ritual and dissolving the bonds on fandom here, and for that I am truly sorry. I’ll still throw some bones to Beard-a-Thon in the form of a donation, but my face shall stay smooth.

(Unless the Caps get their FenClose over 53% next season, in which case I’m totally going Grizzly Adams up on you guys.)

In the meantime, I strongly encourage all of you to participate in #beardpact and Beard-a-Thon. Take a pic of your facial hair progress and tweet it at us with the hashtag #beardpact. It’s still a thing. Chris and Ian are probably still doing it, I bet.

Again: sorry. My bad.

No related posts.

Tagged with:
 
  • OlietheGoalie

    Traitor.

  • http://twitter.com/priscillamay1 Priscilla Villanueva

    Adam Oates > Beard.

  • http://www.facebook.com/briandexterlee Brian Dexter Lee Jr.

    Getting married May 4th. Keeping the beard. And watching the game right before I get hitched.

  • Sarah

    While that picture example may be a bit Littlefinger-esque, I am still disappointed in your decision. Some of us are genderally challenged in the beard-growing department and don’t even have the option of weird facial hair.

  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    Your body, your choice. #FEMINISM!

  • JenniferH

    Maybe you can be the anti-beard good luck? We’ll see, Peter, we’ll see. If the Caps don’t make it far, though, we know who to blame. Don’t feel too bad, you won’t be alone. I won’t be growing a beard either! :)

  • http://twitter.com/priscillamay1 Priscilla Villanueva

    I should also point out that I purposely scheduled my wedding when I knew the Stanley Cup Playoffs would be over in a non-lockout year. For serious.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    And I had the chia pet seeds ready and everything.

  • http://twitter.com/priscillamay1 Priscilla Villanueva

    Littlefinger’s problem is the hair on his head, not his face. Someone needs to talk to his colorist.

  • Baci

    Always been confused about one thing… Do playoff beards start with a fresh shave the day of the first game? Or, a shave after the final game of the regular season?

  • http://twitter.com/kat326 Rachel Cohen

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks Peter with facial hair looks like Littlefinger.

  • http://twitter.com/VaMedic Chris Gardner

    Its all good, Peter. I agree, all in or not at all. I’ll do what I can to carry the mantle. I got your back.

    As I read it. Its a clean shave the day of the first NHL playoff game. So tomorrow, I shave off the goatee and start on the full beard.

  • vahockeymom

    Okay, it’s the reverse jinx. You not growing a beard will do great things for the Caps. Just wait and see.

  • http://www.facebook.com/derek.eklund Derek Eklund

    In my circles it is commanded that the day they clinch you stop shaving.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    You are my hero.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    That’s my takeaway as well, although I have cheated every year until now to get a head start.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    You are hardcore. Respect.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I’m less glad about this.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    This is an interesting and valid rule.

  • CDizz

    My mustache is basically on par with Crosby’s so I’ve always stayed “clean shaved”…even though it’s I’m still almost on the clean-shaven scale even when I don’t shave.

  • http://twitter.com/deniscarmo Denis Carmo

    You fool! Quit your job and miss the weeding! This means the Caps will be eliminated on the 1st round…

  • Rob

    Serious question: Keep the beard I’ve had since they started playing well, or shave it for the playoffs.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Shave it for solidarity.

  • Rob

    IT WILL BE DONE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fireman4427 Mike Stavely

    I’m not growing the full beard either- just letting teh goatee go wild. gotta mix it up.

  • 5bells

    but also: don’t blame it on the wives!!…unless they were outright like “your beard is NOT WELCOME at my wedding because i hate hockey/caps/boudreau!”

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I asked.

    And they were.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1005713165 Pat Magee

    Recker uses a composite stick now…. :(

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Chris Gordon

    HERESY! That awful thing will be going back on my face.

  • http://twitter.com/priscillamay1 Priscilla Villanueva

    i don’t wanna be that bride with ear buds at my own wedding. prolly tacky.

  • 5bells

    Ugh sounds awful. I’m sorry.

  • http://www.facebook.com/carl.windhausen Carl Dubbsy Windhausen

    Final trim tonight and then it’s Gandalf time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/davidr.wahnish David R Wahnish

    My wife and I were weed (Weeded? beweeded? MCeijfE?) on October 1, so that our weeding, anaverseery and honeymon would all be completed by the time the regular season started. heehee…just kidding.

  • http://www.facebook.com/davidr.wahnish David R Wahnish

    Tough choice for me…my beard is coarse but not very dense. Hence, it takes a month or three to get really good “cover”, but let me skip a single day shaving and I end up with a shadow that makes Nixon lool like McAuley Culkin…I guess I better decide soon, eh?

  • Dave at District Sports Page

    I’ve always gone with the “day they clinch” rule myself.