RMNB Semifinal Playoff Predictions: Peter vs Ian

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Image by Cook the Chef

Welp, this is less than fun now, but we’re freaking obligated. The thing about making public predictions is that when you (and by you, I mean me) get ‘em wrong, it’s really embarrassing. I picked just 3 winners out of 8, so basically I’m worse than a coin-toss. I’m having self-worth issues right now. Meanwhile, Ian, used some blind freaking luck to get 5 out of 8. And we’re both emotionally unstable right now.

Let’s do it!

First a look back at our predictions from the last round.

Peter: 37.5% (Peter picked the following losers: VAN, NYI, MTL, WSH, TOR)
Ian: 62.5% (Ian picked the following losers: ANA, VAN, WSH)

(But if you count number of games, I was totally closer than Ian, so there take that, nyah nyah.)

Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Detroit Red Wings (#7)

Peter: Ooh baby, I’m looking forward to this one. It seems to me that no matters who is on the Red Wings roster, they’re still somehow imbued by the spirit of Detroit hockey. Lidstrom is nowhere in sight, and they’re still a responsible team that does whatever they need to do to be strong on the puck. But the Blackhawks are the same team that ran away with regular season while the Caps still had a hard time lacing their skates. Chicago is the probably the most fun to watch, and I’m going to enjoy watching the Hawks win it in 6.

Ian: Let me first preface this with I hate hockey. Like utterly, completely, entirely. I just frigging hate hockey right now. Gary can go kick rocks for paying the officials off to let the Rangers win. Whew. Okay that’s out of my system, let’s roll some more NHL playoff dice! First of all, I think the Chicago Blackhawks are easily the better team in this series. That’s why I’m picking the Red Wings to win it. They’re old. They’re crafty. And like that old fisherman guy with the one-dollar bill hooked on his fishing rod, you can’t take the puck from them.

Wings in 6.

LA Kings (#5) vs San Jose Sharks (#6)

Peter: San Jose is a team unfairly maligned for being past their peak. I didn’t think they’d make the second round, but I don’t think they’re a slouch either. But still, the Kings are my pick to take the Cup, and they’re gonna bombard the Sharks into oblivion. In the Battle of California, I predict a slaughter: Kings in 4. It’s a Peter Hassett Sweep Special! Take it to #thebank!

Ian: I’m still really confused on how the Kings finished their season as only the #5 seed. They are a better team than that. A dominant one in fact. While the Sharks easily handled the Canucks in the first round, they will struggle big time in this series. And why? Because like the Capitals, they are physically and mentally unable to get over the proverbial hump, or I guess unbeaching themselves or something. Kings win in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins (#1) vs Ottawa Senators (#7)

Peter: The league’s most exciting offense versus the regular season’s best goaltender. I really thought the Islanders could have skated the Pens into oblivion, but I failed to predict the rescue run of the Vokeswagon. Tomas Vokoun descended on Long Island like a grumpy old bald guy who sometimes plays goalie, and wouldn’t-ya-just-know-it, he did just that! I think the Penguins will wisely stick with Vokes, rendering MAF an eternal escape goat, and they’ll pull ahead of a frugal Ottawa team. Penguins in 6.

Ian: As much as I hate everything about the city, the people, and the players on this team, the Penguins — even despite Fleury’s current struggle with Jim Carey syndrome — managed to win in the first round. Like I said in my first set up picks, I love the Senators as a team. While they play some great hockey, these throwback warriors will have nothing against these ugly flightless birds. Pens in 6.

Boston Bruins (#4) vs New York Rangers (#6)

Peter: I’m not watching this series. I’ve watched 21 gull-darn playoff hockey games between these teams and the Capitals in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed very little of them. I hope they grind themselves into actual hell. I hope it’s pest vs. pest. I hope Lundqvist stands next to Rask at some point so we can marvel at the entire attractiveness spectrum of human males. I don’t care who wins so long as everyone does a good bit of suffering. Neither of these teams is a winner according to the definition of winner I made up just now. Bruins in 7. But in a parallel universe, the Caps are about to beat the Maple Leafs in 5 games of wide-open, dynamic hockey that has every fan in both countries’ smiling. Ugh.

Ian: I wish nothing but the worst for both of these teams. Like I hope both teams get the stomach flu and spend all game projectile vomiting at each other. That’s how I feel. My one key match-up is between Pierre McGuire’s favorite player in the NHL, All-American American Ryan Callahan, and free-style diver Brad Marchand. Who will out-pest the other? Who will flop more than Shane Battier? I’m not really sure who will — it’s impossible to predict — but I do know one thing for a fact. If these guys skate towards each at full speed and crash into each other at center ice, all bad things that have happened in life will become good, kinda like this Coldplay video.

Bruins in 4. Because it makes no sense at all.

Please share your predictions or just mock us for ours below.

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  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    You’ve got a there/they’re issue in your sharks/kings section. You also have a “picking against the sharks” issue but only time will bear out that obvious error.

  • http://www.facebook.com/briskozak Forecaster Zak Brisko

    This make me ill but, the breakdown you both did for the Rangers/Bruins series is pretty funny.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    sigh, long week and it’s only Tuesday

  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    S’okay. I guess I’m a sharks fan now? I dunno.

    I hate everything.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Stephen-Chastain/1573260692 Stephen Chastain

    Ok your sections about the Rangers-Bruins was hilarious. Thanks for easing the pain.

  • Dman

    “I wish nothing but the worst for both of these teams. Like I hope both teams get the stomach flu and spend all game projectile vomiting at each other.”

    This is the first time I’ve smiled since Game 5.

  • Shehryar Shaukat

    vokeswagon killed me

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Same here. :(

  • http://twitter.com/chitsweire Christophe Itsweire

    Hawks in 6, Sharks in 7, Pens in 6, Rangers in 7

  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    UGH and my RMNB shirt arrived on my doorstep not 5 minutes ago because… TODAY DIDN’T HURT ENOUGH ALREADY.

  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    I love you shirt but you’re going in a drawer for a while.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Which one was it, Annie? Please, pics anyways.

  • IntheDudeWeTrust

    Kings in 4, Chicago in 7, Pens in 5, Bruins in however many games it takes Chara to devour the entire NYR team, (saving King Henrik for last) and pick his teeth with their bones…

  • andvari101

    Bruins/Rangers sections was a treat

  • http://twitter.com/annielockyer Annie Lockyer

    Maybe not right now, Ian. Annie’s very busy right now.

  • http://twitter.com/priscillamay1 Priscilla Villanueva

    I went with Ian last round. Gonna go with Peter this one. Go Kings Go! Born in the City of Angels. Fan of the Caps. I feel sorry for every team I support. Guaranteed doom.

  • patmanbnl

    In Rangers/Bruins I root for the collapse of MSG in game 3, sparing us all from any more of the horrible “hockey” these teams play. Ryan Callahan survives after Pierre McGuire shoves him out of the way of a falling beam. Pierre doesn’t make it.

  • Akay15

    I say Bruins in 6. I would like to actually enjoy the rest of the playoffs and not seeing Tortellini’s ratty face smiling next to the Cup. This year or any year.
    Kings in 5, Pitt in 4, Hawks in 5.

  • http://twitter.com/dylanwheatley83 dylan wheatley

    i went 6/8 (i had isles and caps as my losers) so i am now full of piss and vinegar

    detroit in 7
    san jose in 6

    ottawa in 7
    new york in 6

  • http://twitter.com/PredictsHockey Hockey Predictor

    I went 7/8 in the quarters, the only one I got wrong was the FREAKING CAPS. But thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one wishing the worst upon both the Bruins and the Rags. I hope Pierre dies in a motorcycle accident while riding in Ryan Callahan’s sidecar, and they subsequently decide to cancel that series.

  • http://www.facebook.com/catherinemoran Catherine Moran

    Oh, my. I have several nice Bruins fans among my acquaintance (unlikely thoug, apparently possible. To have a nice Bruins fan, that is). I was *trying* to be a mature, grown up lady about the whole deal, to be a nice friend and was holding my nose “rooting” for that no-good divey team and was simply hoping that the Bruins would crush the Rags into bone dust. Bone. Dust.

    But you lads have it right here. No winners. Maximum pain. Humiliation, even. A plague on BOTH their houses!!!

  • http://www.calacirian.org sonja n a

    I grew up in Bruins territory, so I have familial obligations to root for them. That and I hope Chara explodes on Callahan at center ice and Callahan takes the penalty.

    I won’t be watching though … I can’t watch. Not yet.

  • OlietheGoalie

    Hawks in 6 is what I had originally for the Stanley Cup finals.

    I also had us going to the third round and getting beaten by Pittsburgh, so what do I know?

    Officially on the Anyone But The Penguins bandwagon.

  • TerraNet360

    Peter, you’re a pretty emotional guy. The reason why you picked so poorly is because you seemed to have picked who you *wanted* to win, rather than who was the most likely to win. Keep your day job and blogging habit… Gambling, at least on hockey, isn’t your suit!

  • http://twitter.com/Dara_Laine Dara Goldberg

    This is exactly how I feel. Yay Leafs… Yay Senators… Yay Islanders… shit.

  • jennrubenstein

    i completely and fully agree with everything in peter’s B’s-rags prediction. except for that damn apostrophe. i definitely do NOT agree with that apostrophe.
    well, and the pretty boys part, but i’ll ask the puckbuddys and they’ll probably back you up.

  • jennrubenstein

    oh and i’m basically rooting for the hawks and kings at this point, but only following on twitter, because i don’t think i can handle watching a whole game right now. BASEBALL SEASON.

  • Rhino40

    Help me Otta-Wan Kenobi…You’re my only hope!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I’m up $30k in black jack and poker since I turned 21.

  • http://twitter.com/rmobrien21 R.O’B.

    I couldn’t find the post, but Peter called OVI being hurt with some sort of lower extremity injury during the final games of the playoffs. Per my mother, “and he was still amazing” so carry on Peter, such a beauty!

  • Amanda

    The Bruins-Rangers section……absolutely PRICELESS!