Welp, this is less than fun now, but we’re freaking obligated. The thing about making public predictions is that when you (and by you, I mean me) get ’em wrong, it’s really embarrassing. I picked just 3 winners out of 8, so basically I’m worse than a coin-toss. I’m having self-worth issues right now. Meanwhile, Ian, used some blind freaking luck to get 5 out of 8. And we’re both emotionally unstable right now.
Let’s do it!
First a look back at our predictions from the last round.
Peter: 37.5% (Peter picked the following losers: VAN, NYI, MTL, WSH, TOR)
Ian: 62.5% (Ian picked the following losers: ANA, VAN, WSH)
(But if you count number of games, I was totally closer than Ian, so there take that, nyah nyah.)
Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Detroit Red Wings (#7)
Peter: Ooh baby, I’m looking forward to this one. It seems to me that no matters who is on the Red Wings roster, they’re still somehow imbued by the spirit of Detroit hockey. Lidstrom is nowhere in sight, and they’re still a responsible team that does whatever they need to do to be strong on the puck. But the Blackhawks are the same team that ran away with regular season while the Caps still had a hard time lacing their skates. Chicago is the probably the most fun to watch, and I’m going to enjoy watching the Hawks win it in 6.
Ian: Let me first preface this with I hate hockey. Like utterly, completely, entirely. I just frigging hate hockey right now. Gary can go kick rocks for paying the officials off to let the Rangers win. Whew. Okay that’s out of my system, let’s roll some more NHL playoff dice! First of all, I think the Chicago Blackhawks are easily the better team in this series. That’s why I’m picking the Red Wings to win it. They’re old. They’re crafty. And like that old fisherman guy with the one-dollar bill hooked on his fishing rod, you can’t take the puck from them.
Wings in 6.
LA Kings (#5) vs San Jose Sharks (#6)
Peter: San Jose is a team unfairly maligned for being past their peak. I didn’t think they’d make the second round, but I don’t think they’re a slouch either. But still, the Kings are my pick to take the Cup, and they’re gonna bombard the Sharks into oblivion. In the Battle of California, I predict a slaughter: Kings in 4. It’s a Peter Hassett Sweep Special! Take it to #thebank!
Ian: I’m still really confused on how the Kings finished their season as only the #5 seed. They are a better team than that. A dominant one in fact. While the Sharks easily handled the Canucks in the first round, they will struggle big time in this series. And why? Because like the Capitals, they are physically and mentally unable to get over the proverbial hump, or I guess unbeaching themselves or something. Kings win in 6.
Pittsburgh Penguins (#1) vs Ottawa Senators (#7)
Peter: The league’s most exciting offense versus the regular season’s best goaltender. I really thought the Islanders could have skated the Pens into oblivion, but I failed to predict the rescue run of the Vokeswagon. Tomas Vokoun descended on Long Island like a grumpy old bald guy who sometimes plays goalie, and wouldn’t-ya-just-know-it, he did just that! I think the Penguins will wisely stick with Vokes, rendering MAF an eternal escape goat, and they’ll pull ahead of a frugal Ottawa team. Penguins in 6.
Ian: As much as I hate everything about the city, the people, and the players on this team, the Penguins — even despite Fleury’s current struggle with Jim Carey syndrome — managed to win in the first round. Like I said in my first set up picks, I love the Senators as a team. While they play some great hockey, these throwback warriors will have nothing against these ugly flightless birds. Pens in 6.
Boston Bruins (#4) vs New York Rangers (#6)
Peter: I’m not watching this series. I’ve watched 21 gull-darn playoff hockey games between these teams and the Capitals in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed very little of them. I hope they grind themselves into actual hell. I hope it’s pest vs. pest. I hope Lundqvist stands next to Rask at some point so we can marvel at the entire attractiveness spectrum of human males. I don’t care who wins so long as everyone does a good bit of suffering. Neither of these teams is a winner according to the definition of winner I made up just now. Bruins in 7. But in a parallel universe, the Caps are about to beat the Maple Leafs in 5 games of wide-open, dynamic hockey that has every fan in both countries’ smiling. Ugh.
Ian: I wish nothing but the worst for both of these teams. Like I hope both teams get the stomach flu and spend all game projectile vomiting at each other. That’s how I feel. My one key match-up is between Pierre McGuire’s favorite player in the NHL, All-American American Ryan Callahan, and free-style diver Brad Marchand. Who will out-pest the other? Who will flop more than Shane Battier? I’m not really sure who will — it’s impossible to predict — but I do know one thing for a fact. If these guys skate towards each at full speed and crash into each other at center ice, all bad things that have happened in life will become good, kinda like this Coldplay video.
Bruins in 4. Because it makes no sense at all.
Please share your predictions or just mock us for ours below.