Carolina Hurricanes v Pittsburgh Penguins, Game One

By Reddit user vucc.

The Pittsburgh Penguins entered the 2013 playoffs as the best team in the East. Hands down. They led the league in goals despite losing ever-vainglorious Sidney Crosby to plastic surgery mid-season. It seemed like a trip to the Stanley Cup Finals would be a cakewalk, even moreso once The Kid returned.

And then.

Marc-Andre Fleury’s first round cognitive flatulence from last year made an (un?)expected return. He was benched after four fecal games against the Islanders. Opting instead for Tomas “I have a really surprising amount of tattoos” Vokoun, the Pens’ rickety ship got rightened long enough to beat the Islanders and the Senators.

But now, against the Bruins in the Eastern Conference Finals, hockey’s golden goose Sidney Crosby has been diagnosed with a virulent case of the Fleuries. Crosby had a bevy of boondoggles in game one, which I’ll document below, including a Sean Avery-esque shove of Tuukka Rask at the end of the second period that in a just world would have resulted in a They Live-style brawl. Then, in game two, on his first shift, Crosby served up a tasty turnover that led to Boston’s first goal. That set the tone for the game, which was the most deliciously pathetic thing we’ve had the privilege to watch in a long time. The Bruins lead the series 2-0, and the Pens — well, they’re in trouble, dude.

Listen. I’ve been taunted by Penguins fans all my life. This is overdue.

Skating is Hard

crosby-fail1

I can’t be too critical here. At the free skate before the last RMNB party, I was almost this bad. Almost. (GIF by garageleague)

Hip-Check Fail

crosby-fail2

Technically, this was actually a butt check. Comically, this was actually awesome. (GIF by garageleague)

crosby-fail3

Graphic by shanabans

Crosby Elbows Rask During Intermission

Rask has been nigh-perfect this series. Meanwhile, Crosby has been so bad NBC almost talked about it one time.

Crosby Talks Trash to Chara

chara-bends-down-to-yell-at-crosby

Crosby uses his big-boy voice. The kodiak bear wearing Chara’s uniform bends down to hear him. (Screenshot by @JustinDOY)

I’m pretty sure I know how this story ends.

ERMAHGERD THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING

crosby-fail4

Screen cap via cr0sby-87

Sid Ends Game One in Penalty Box, Seguin Laughs At Him

crosby-box

seguin-laughs

Not a bad move by Seguin, but grabbing his kit and making a “shh!” gesture woulda worked even better.

Crosby’s Assist on Boston’s First Goal of Game 2

crosby-fail6

Leadership.

Stop the Gosh-Darn Presses

sid-careless

NBC immediately sacked everyone involved. (Screen cap via the always-amazing @BeccaH_JR)

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Tagged with:
 
  • Guest

    WHEEEEEEEEE (via @BeccaH_JR on twitter)

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Via Ian Oland in the above post. Haha.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    #USWNT

  • Eric

    This is embarrassing. We’ve been chokers year in and year out, and no Pens fan or blog would ever care enough about our irrelevant team to put this much hateful effort into anything. C’mon, you’re making our fanbase look bad. (We might as well be the Terps to the Penguins’ Duke, except at least the Terps have won it all before…)

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland
  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    …have you… SEEN the internet?

    We’re just having a laugh. There’s more silliness in here than hate. There’s not even any substance to it.

  • Tyler Duchaine

    Love the Python reference. Well done, Ian.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I’m still waiting for you to use this Tom Wilson pic (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BLzJR8LCAAEwWdJ.jpg:large) as an excuse to post 50 photos of Alex Morgan on RMNB.

  • Priscilla Villanueva

    You know that Garden organ player just bought the sheet music to Rains of Castamere.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I’ll get to it as soon as I finish working on this ENDLESS GODDAMN JEFF SCHULTZ POST

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    WELL PLAYED

  • Sentientcheese

    Ian – Damn Right you weren’t that bad, You didn’t fall! Now that may have been because you held REAL HARD but still. tug boat!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    No. He was awful. Don’t sugarcoat it. Give it to him straight.

  • Owen Johnson

    The tagline on twitter is “sidney Crosby makes hockey fun again.” This is true, I’ve been hating hockey for 3 weeks now, what with the Caps flaming out badly, and for a while it looking like the Penguins would obliterate people with OUR OLD GOALIE of all people. Now I’m enjoying it again.
    Also, you must not know many Pens fans. They suck. Whenever they talk about us “not being their real rivals,” they’re lying. Trust me, I’ve lived among them.

  • jeremiah

    only thing you forgot was him complaining about the refs after game one. said they let it get that way by not giving the bruins more calls

  • Pat Magee

    They are a team of spoiled children. Absolutely fantastic seeing them getting SLAUGHTERED!!!!

  • Christophe Itsweire

    Malkin actually threw two good punches if you ignore the fact that his gloves were still on for the first one.

  • Razpoutin

    Man you have mad hate on crosby really its just rediculous

  • Razpoutin

    Still you can write w/e u want but i know one thing that crosby will always be better than ur “god” alexander ovechkin

  • jennrubenstein

    you’re joking… right?

  • Ryan Hennebury

    You made me laugh for a VERY long time Raz! High fives.

  • mariochalmers123

    “Always” except for those seasons Ovie got the MVP.

  • shorething23

    It’s easier for Sid to maintain focus, He only plays half seasons. I do agree, he’s the best part-time player in the game.

  • Glenn Havinoviski

    Milbury and Cherry, eat your hearts out. Your boy is f-ing up.

  • pja125

    Ovi was a god in the Sumerian city of Ur?

  • OlietheGoalie

    And yet you come here with broken sentences, post twice about us hating on your team, and then… er, I don’t know what your point was exactly.

    Anywho, Crosby sucks. He’s as much of a leader as Ovie is (hint: not really one).

  • lukew

    “the only thing more embarrassing than tripping over the blue line is paying too much for your car insurance.” If Geico uses that first gif in their commercials next year I’ll make the change.

  • The Clone

    Oh snap, snap.

  • KareeLyn

    #USWNT indeed. Also, can we find a way to incorporate this into a post? I don’t even care how. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/dempsey.gif

  • Some guy

    Penguin fan approves. Hilariously accurate. Like watching a train wreck, and not the one in his mouth

  • trxFOXHOLE

    And when did Ovi show up this year? Just wondering…

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett
  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Ovi is actually a minor deity in the Cimmerian pantheon of Conan the Barbarian.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I’m going to need Fedor to tell me who this person is.

  • Fedor

    Clint Dempsey, you’re kinda supposed to know that.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Oh, I thought it was either Pele or this guy from America’s Next Top Model. http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7hx3a6zSW1qew1kc.gif

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Oh, I thought it was either Pele or this guy from America’s Next Top Model. http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7hx3a6zSW1qew1kc.gif

  • Rob Blake

    Eric, good on you for speaking out against this word vomit. There is nothing silly here, Peter. It is 100% hate, and it’s blind hatred. Avs fan, stumbled on this from a Puck Daddy article. Just thought I should inform you that this post reads as even more pathetic than the Penguins display against the Bruins thus far. The whiny disdain I keep noticing rival fanbases have for the Pens organization and Crosby is a total embarrassment. Get over it. It’s obnoxiously redundant, highly ignorant, and cringeworthy for everyone in the hockey world with some semblance of a clue. Everywhere I go when reading about the Eastern Conference, it’s just a bunch of angsty young bloggers firing blanks at each other. So quick to spew hate filled drivel, when there is so much out there you could actually be posting about. Well, maybe not for you guys, considering it is the off-season. In that case, why post anything? My beloved franchise doesn’t have Crosby, neither does yours, but some of us act like gentleman who enjoy the greatest sport on earth. If you have a pair of functioning eyes, a love for this game, and are able to set your hometown pride aside for a moment, you’ll quickly understand that he is far and away the most complete and awe-inspiring player of the modern era. Take it for what it’s worth, but outside of your little circle jerk, the hockey world is pointing fingers at nonsense like this and having a good laugh at your expense.

    Also, to the people below who are seriously trying to work Ovie’s name into the same sentence as Crosby’s, please find another sport to voice your hilariously contrived opinions on. I hear you guys have some RGIII character who is pretty decent.

    Long live Uwe Krupp, and good luck to you all next year.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Ha, okay. Appreciate your input. Whether this post reads as pathetic or “word vomit” means far less to me than whether or not people enjoyed it. Which they did. It made some people giggle, which was our goal.

    I recommend doing a casual search for Crosby on this site (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/?s=sidney+crosby) and see if we’re as hateful as you say. (Excepting PuckBuddys previews, naturally.)

  • KareeLyn

    Oh sheesh. Fedor – thank you. Ian – here I thought we almost bonded on the endless breadth of smart ass faces on the internet….

  • Rob Blake

    I should clarify. This is my first time on your site, and I was actually in the middle of checking out some other posts after my long winded reply. There is some great stuff here, and this was no sort of personal attack on you or your staff. Congratulations on what you’ve built. Honestly, it was some of the commenting that set me off more so than your article. I understand that you folks write for your favorite team, not for wandering eyes such as mine, and we’re all a bit bias in that regard. l have no doubt that this was an enjoyable read for your viewers. It’s when I notice fans taking this stuff seriously that gets me foaming at the mouth though. It’s alarming to me, the amount
    of fans around the league who get so lost in their own cities and
    organizations that they are blind to the big picture. There has to come a point where you appreciate and respect some of the top tier talent in this league, regardless of where they play. In my eyes, an individual who has worked so hard to reach such a level does not deserve to be consistently ridiculed in such a way, but admired. Honest observations and criticisms are one thing, but blatant and undeserved hatred are another. I actually had a similar rant to this in 09-10, in defense of Ovie. It was on a Habs blog, and the ridiculous slandering of a great talent was strong with them. I shouldn’t care, but I do, just love the sport way too much.

  • LH419

    living in the DC area for most of my life and being a pens fan i have seen and heard it all. Caps fans used to be great until the bandwagon fans jumped on when OVI came to the team. This article made me laugh as you intended but not at the pens but more at the caps fans. how can you even comment on this article when your own team isnt even in the playoffs again. when your own captain is on the first plane out of town. OVI had broken foot in the playoffs that is why he didnt play well…sure didnt have a problem playing for the russian team…just another excuse. you damn well 95% of caps fans would be happy as hell to have crosby on their team.

  • Ash

    Good God, someone stop the presses. SOMEONE MADE FUN OF SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET. SOME PEOPLE DECIDED TO TREAT A PLAYER IN THE SPORT OF HOCKEY WITH SOMETHING LESS THAN A 100% SERIOUS POV.

    …seriously, there are a lot of ways to enjoy a sport. Your way is not necessarily the best or only one. Your comment both insulting and dismissing everyone on the post (made without even seemingly reading through the post at all) comes off as far more hateful and a bigger deterrent to other fans of the sport than anyone getting a few chuckles out of gifs of a player from a rival team having a bad game.

    Honestly: what, if anything, can you identify as hateful here or taking anything too seriously? None of us are going to drive to Crosby’s house and force him to watch gifs of him slashing Tukka Rask while taunting him. We’re going to read this post, laugh a bit, post a comment saying “This is hilarious!” and then go about our days. Maybe we’ll even smile while we’re at our cubicles, remembering the mental image of Crosby and Chara screaming at each other. Where, precisely, is the crime or classlessness in that?

  • trxFOXHOLE

    Semi trolling here, but let me explain. When it comes to MVP/Hart voting, Sid is out of the race. The Pens barely stumbled while Sid was out with a broken jaw. With Ovi, consistency has not been his strong suite. I don’t follow the Caps closely, but from the national hockey media, it seems that Ovi didn’t really start playing until the last 1/3 of the season when the Caps made a push for the playoffs. Thus my question, “when did he show up…” When it comes to the Hart, I have to go with Tavares due to process of elimination. Not that that is a bad rationale either, JT did more with less on the Isles.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    “when your own captain is on the first plane out of town” to continue playing competitive hockey in the world championships for Russia.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    If you use Diva GIFs of current Orioles, THEN I’ll know who they are! :D

  • Brian_Kemp

    “If you have a pair of functioning eyes, a love for this game, and are able to set your hometown pride aside for a moment, you’ll quickly understand that he is far and away the most complete and awe-inspiring player of the modern era.”

    Which “modern era” are we talking about? The Original 6 Era? Well, he’s certainly not far and away the best player over that span of time.

    The post-1967 expansion era? Nope, still not far and away the best player during those years.

    After the WHA merged into the NHL? Not those years, either.

    Maybe post-2004 lockout? Well, you can make an argument that he’s been the best player over that time, but it’s going to be impossible to say he’s been far and away the best, considering all the time he’s missed and the fact that he’s been out-accoladed by a couple of players, including another guy on his own team.

    Crosby’s an excellent player, maybe the best in the world, but he’s not Gretzky or Orr or Howe or Lemieux. He’s a really good player, probably already in the Hall of Fame, even if he gets hurt and has to retire, but he’s more like Peter Forsberg good (only not as clutch). Probably the best in the world when he’s healthy, but with plenty of room for debate.

  • jimbob

    I’m a pens fan and to be fair alot of pens fans do the same thing…

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    alot

  • JenniferH

    I LOVE YOU, PETER,,, A LOT! (The alot’s kinda cool too.)