Yes, That’s Karl Alzner on Your Metro Train

metro-alzner

The Washington Capitals’ season ended abruptly in May. Since being laid to rest by the New York Rangers, all players have returned home to their native lands for the summer. And yet, there’s still a Cap hanging around DC, refusing to be peeled away. That man is Karl Alzner.

Perhaps you’ve seen him?

Alzner is chilling on the metro as part of an advertisement for Think Arlington: Intersections, a promotion by the city of Arlington* to show the wide variety of  industries and businesses in the weird Virginia city.

Instead of going back-to-back to brohan John Carlson (who did a promotion awfully similar to this a few years ago #DisasterPound), Alzner is featured next to Angela Torpy, a teacher at Tuckahoe Elementary School.

“Arlington, Virginia is at the intersection of major league sports and top-ranked public education,” the poster exclaims. “Where eye-opening speed and strength converge with a passion for expanding young minds. That’s what makes it Arlington.” No, I’m pretty sure what makes Arlington is the forever gridlocked traffic, white guys driving Priuses, and hosting 47% of the nation’s Starbucks.

Here’s the poster. Click on it to download the PDF, print it out, and hang it up in your room. I guess.

alzner-poster

Our fake sources tell us that Alzner’s dogs, Charlie and Murphy, were set to be part of the campaign until they ate Torpy’s algebra books and had to be crated in a secure facility.

Next time you see Karl, say hi for us. Wave to him and take a picture. People won’t think that’s weird at all. Tweet the picture at us. We love that sort of thing. Maybe you could draw a playoff beard on him. I’m sure that’s not against the law. If we get enough pics, maybe we’ll post a gallery later this summer.

* I have no idea where this Arlington place actually is. I’m pretty sure most Marylanders don’t either. Is it close to The Clarendon, that mythological city in lower earth where fire-breathing dragons fly around hunting for treasure?

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  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I snuck a link into the post, but I think the college rock band Emmet Swimming figured out Arlington before anyone else.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeV8Zv4yQig

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Oh, Virginia. You’re so weird.

  • Brouwer Rangers

    WAIT! Is it just me or is the guy in the old Carly commercial (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2011/09/03/video-john-carlsons-new-commercial-for-force-3/) the same one from this year’s Caps commercial about not wearing red (can’t find a video of it)? RMNB, please put your top investigative reporter on this.

  • Parr72

    Those of us that live in Arlington, respectfully request you Marylanders stay in Maryland. You guys drive like crap…..

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Haha. Though you should search “Arlington, bicyclists, accidents” in Google and see what comes up. I hope you have a few hours. :D

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Don’t think so, but there is definitely a resemblance.

  • Jon

    First off, Arlington isn’t a city, and despite its lamest efforts, never will be. Second, Emmet Swimming nailed it – and when that song came out in the mid 90s, Arlington was awesome. It’s not anymore, so I moved to MoCo (though emmet remains one of my favorite local bands of all time). Arlington has become a haven for douchebags that aren’t brave enough to venture into the city, and Ballston specifically…well…don’t even get me started. Third, I have discovered that Maryland and Virginia have equally horrible drivers, they just suck in different ways. Arlington just happens to be full of pretentious bicyclists wearing obnoxious spandex costumes that disregard traffic laws and whine about how bad drivers are. Especially in Lyon Village.

    For relevance: Go Caps!

  • BlakeDC

    You both have got to be kidding me. This entire AREA is the worst when it comes to drivers. I miss Louisiana so much! At least we didn’t idle when it started drizzling or freak out because we had to merge into traffic.

    BTW, a yield sign means to YIELD to oncoming traffic, not stop when there is nothing in your way or about to hit you. UGH!

    I could rant about this area’s horrendous drivers all day! YOU ALL SUCK!

    Go Caps!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    it’s never a bad idea to invoke Remy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T1RMuoQnKo

  • BJ

    don’t forget the first appearance of the RMNB shirt in the Caps rap!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlWrx7M2EOU

  • Dominic

    Can we all just agree that NO ONE IN AMERICA CAN DRIVE?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    #NeverForget

  • Dominic

    What the hell is an arlington?

  • Owen Johnson

    Well, I’ll just say this, whenever I’m on the beltway and I see someone driving 40 in the left lane, ALWAYS a Maryland car. Whenever I see someone doing 90, dangerously swerving in an out of people and cutting them off, ALWAYS a Maryland car.
    Although, Maryland drivers > Ohio drivers

  • Owen Johnson

    Arlington is that place where Kettler Iceplex is. You know, the headquarters of that team you write about.

  • Rhino40

    My respect to anyone making the effort to get/stay in shape, whether it’s hockey, cycling, whatever.
    That said, +1 on the people whose expenditure on their bicycles, accessories, and cycling apparel approaches/exceeds 5 figures, and who seem think that:
    • This makes them better than all other people, 2)
    • “We don’t make boulevard stops…only the Little People observe boulevard stops”, and
    • “I am preparing for the Tour De France and all other priorities are secondary to my training”…
    Be aware that such douchebags are not confined to Arlington, though. We have them in Reston & Herndon too.

  • Girl Fan

    I wonder if Ms. Torpy is wearing those stilettos to monitor outside recess today?

  • Rhino40

    Good one Ian.
    Many people ask “Why is Virginia one of, like three states in the Union that outlaw radar detectors?”
    The answer is simple: there is far, far more money in catching people while speeding than in deterring them from speeding in the first place. So much so as to dispel the notion that it’s really about “public safety” at all. The primary thrust of traffic enforcement in the Commonwealth is–and has always been–the collection of revnue

  • BlakeDC

    Heck no! I drive great and I only had 1 accident that was the cities fault for not putting a stop ahead sign on a hill in the back country. That was also about 7 years ago. Texas cant drive, tho. Other than that, DMV is the worst area ever even Mexico City was better. Ireland too, where they have the most accidents per capita!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Uh, no. Try again.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Wait… so you’re telling me Ballston is literally in Arlington city? They are not separate places? This only further proves how weird and foreign your state is to me.

  • BJ

    Arlington has neighborhood areas like NYC

    Ballston, Courthouse, Clizzledizzle

  • Jon

    County. Arlington county. Arlington is not a city. And I assure you Ballston sucks. Ask anyone that has lived there for longer than two years, it has become a total wasteland.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    that’s so sad and yet I’m laughing

  • http://www.facebook.com/stacy.d.harrison Stacy Diane Madden Harrison

    Well, the river divides us. Out here in Leesburg, our northern border is the Potomac river. . .and we NEVER go to the other side.

    Arlington is a city with several neighborhoods. I think it’s its own county, too.

  • Bryzgalov

    i love arlington and this describes it perfectly. i wish iwas rich enough to live in clarendon lol