Hide yo kids, hide yo wife

Looks that matter: Hetfield ’91

Wut. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel)

Jaromir Jagr is a lot of things: a future hall of famer, a late-night gym rat, and a mullet connoisseur. He’s also a two-time Stanley Cup champion, and at 41, he’s about to make what may be his final run for a cup.

It’s a great story, but Jagr now looks poised to repeat his disappointing performance in Washington–  once again lacking the mental fortitude to persevere in the face of adversity. Yeah. Jagr totally quit on his playoff beard.

As Jagr spoke to media on Tuesday, he showed off his new facial hair. I will to describe it to you, so don’t be alarmed or upset. Small children may want to skip this article.

First, Jagr dyed his beard jet black because, as he put it, “you’ve got to look tough” in the finals. Gone are the salt-and-pepper whiskers of a grizzled veteran. In their place– the faux-colored beard of that guy in college who always turned off the stereo at parties so he could play the opening bars of “Nothing Else Matters.” Yeah, real intimidating, JJ.

Jagr also shaved off most of his chin hair, leaving a soul patch for no comprehensible reason except maybe he’s trying to start a Fastball tribute band. Jagr now looks like a cross between Wolverine, the Czech version of James Hetfield (see above), and Justin Timberlake in Motherlover.

Jagr obviously did not consult RMNB’s #beardpact manuscript, before grabbing his razor. Article X, corollary IV of sacred text clearly reads:

You may trim or clean-up parts of your beard scruff only during off days before the next round of play. If you cut off any part of your beard, you are not only a coward; you are condemning your team to actual hell in the next round.

(Also, do not publish photos of an oil painting where your favorite team’s players and management are accepting the Stanley Cup from tiny elf people. As if that would ever happen.)

Tsk tsk, 68. When trying to explain the Bruins’ Stanley Cup loss 14 days from now, analysts might drop stats and pundits will talk about mental toughness, but we’ll all know the truth. Deep down, we all know it’s your fault. This shaving bonanza is an affront to the hockey gods, and now you will be smote. Expect delay-of-game penalties, broken skate blades, improvisational dentistry, rung pipes, and enough shattered twigs to mulch your vegetable garden. At least this time, Caps fans will delight in your failure. That’ll be a welcome change.

jagr-wut2

Photo credit: Boston Bruins

wolverine-xmen-origins_219

Photo credit: probably staff photographer at the Globe or something

jagr-beard-2

Photo compilation by bruinsofboston

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  • David Weichert

    Perhaps he is actually Wolverine, which would explain his longevity.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    it’d also explain why he’s been on EVERY team

  • Scott DeGraw

    F*** that guy.

  • marc

    He had that beard in game 5 against the Pens. Morons

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    It’s actually spelled morans.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Two things: 1) The Bruins swept the Penguins in four games, so what is this magical Game Five that you’re referring to? 2) Regardless if this weird Wolverine beard style has been Jagr’s thing the entire playoffs, he still had SUBSTANTIAL chin beard growth — see below — which he then proceeded to hack off after Game Four. If you just swept the East’s best team, are you really going to mess with that grizzled, lucky chin fur and then emblazon the hockey gods by dying it jet black? He’s going to pay for this. Mark my words.

  • Mark Mille

    You are an idiot.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett
  • Rhino40

    I dunno…maybe he’ll end up as Ross “The Boss” Rhea to whomever on the ‘Hawks can pass for Doug Glatt…

  • Alice Fraggle

    “Expect delay-of-game penalties, broken skate blades, improvisational
    dentistry, rung pipes, and enough shattered twigs to mulch your
    vegetable garden.”
    You said it all right there. Bad juju JJ, bad juju.

  • Matt A.

    That’s Sabretooth morans.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Uh we know.

  • Rhino40

    Gawd, I hate it when I have to explain…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goon_%28film%29

  • Slapshot

    Maybe he’s going for the Triple H look?

  • Lee Nunes

    You just don’t get it. It’s now short in the front and gets longer in the back. He transformed his playoff beard into a face mullet. Look out Chicago, 1991 Jagr is back!