brouwer-rangers-red-rockers2

What could have been. Sigh.

Washington Capitals General Manager George McPhee has yet to finalize the 2013-14 on-ice roster, but at least one of the organization’s off-ice squads is now set. Following two days of tryouts and interviews held at the Verizon Center over the weekend, the Caps introduced fans to the latest iteration of the cheerleading and community relations team known as the Red Rockers. But two rather visible Caps fans were turned away from the auditions.

Ranger Ryan and Ranger Nathan, the spandex-and-helmet-and-also-fanny-pack-wearing duo known as the Brouwer Rangers, had been training all summer in hopes of making the Red Rocker 2013-14 squad.

“What is there to say?” Ranger Ryan said when contacted by RMNB for comment. “We studied hours of tape, practiced our Gangnam Style dances until our feet bled, and spent weeks in the gym working on our t-shirt throwing arms. All for naught. I wouldn’t say I’m totally devastated, but I’m pretty devastated.”

“We really thought we had what it would take,” Ranger Nathan added. “The audition information said to wear form-fitting pants and form-fitting tops, Well, check and check. We’ve got that covered. But I guess that just wasn’t enough.”

Both Brouwer Rangers said they made sacrifices to prepare for the audition.

“I lost about 50 pounds over the last year,” said Ranger Nathan. “I told my wife it was for my health, but it wasn’t. It just wasn’t. I wanted to be in peak Rockin’ the Red shape for the audition. I feel like I’ve already regained 25 of those pounds from the comfort eating.”

The duo even had what they called “semi-non-professional” headshots taken to include with their applications and resume. Unfortunately, the effort to become the first male Red Rockers in five years was a no-go-go. The pair confirmed that they weren’t given a chance to strut their stuff, but it wasn’t because of gender. The Rangers were told that their motif “doesn’t fit the Red Rockers brand.”

When it was all said and done, the Brouwer Rangers understood the team’s decision and wished the Rockers all the best in the upcoming season. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a twinge of lingering bitterness.

“They didn’t even return our headshots,” Ranger Ryan said. “I want my headshot back.”

Headshots

ryan headshot

nathan headshot

The Brouwer Rangers Resume

brouwer-rangers-resume

Hi-res

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  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    <3

  • https://twitter.com/Haddaweezy Holy_Cal

    That is honestly the best résumé I’ve ever seen.

  • Casey Grenier

    LOVE the resume, really they should be given any job they want.

  • Annie Lockyer

    Best. Summer Content. Ever.

  • Gemmy

    They are awesome! That resume is actually really great.

  • Christina Marie

    This makes me really disappointed. I mean, if they can’t make it, who? WHO? Living in Colorado, I wish we had something like them for the Avs…

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I also want to give a shout out to RMNB reader Lexi who actually did make the team this year. Congratulations. Don’t forget us little people or something.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Varlys riding Harleys!

  • Yo8

    Man, the staff of this franchise is such a bore! First, they kicked out Ovie the bulldog from the Kettler and now they didn’t consider these guys.

  • Synyster8

    That’s awesome, as a fan I demand they be allowed to Rock The Red. The green men for Vancouver get into the fan HOF but we can’t have Brouwer Rangers. BS

  • Reality czech

    It could only be because their bodies were so bad because on pure dancing alone they had those girls beat.

  • Annie Lockyer

    This is a crucial reference and I am judging everybody who didn’t upvote it.

  • ORazor

    This is the best. Artisanal signage.

  • Margaret McGuire

    Duchene’s Dames

  • Christina Marie

    Varlys Angles??? Im really bad at this haha

  • Margaret McGuire

    Hendricks’ Henchmen

    Semin’s Lemons

  • Brouwer Rangers

    omg Varly’s Angels is perfect

  • Christina Marie

    I’m now having to commit to begin this, aren’t I?

  • Andy

    This was ‘fun to see.’

  • Dylan Dank Latour

    They’re used to being on their knees

  • Catherine__M

    HOW am I just seeing this. Man. The resume alone! Whoever passed on these fine fellows has NO sense of humor and/or sense at all.