2014′s New Years Wishes for the Capitals

wishes

Welcome, everyone, to 2014. A long year stretches out before us, and now seems the appropriate time to express our hopes and dreams for the Washington Capitals. Join me, if you will, below the fold for maybe the dumbest four and a half minutes of your day.

And yes, “What did I just watch?” was the reaction I was going for.

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  • Aldohexose

    Alexander OVENCHICKEN (?) Ovechkin? HAHAHA….. the entire video: a true treat! And what did I just watch?

  • Bob

    best video I’ve seen in the new year. the mike milbury comment was hilarious and the volpatti wish needs to come true asap.

  • Dmitry Asmadeus Kulikov

    At least it wasn’t another political rant…

  • Brackaphobia

    The “A-Aron Volpatti” comment and Thomas Aquinas Wilson had me lol’ing hard.

    Trust me when I say I will do things way more dumb than this today.

  • Brouwer Rangers

    Hey!

  • Chris Cerullo

    I enjoyed this.

  • Brouwer Rangers

    I do wish Brouwer’s middle name was d’Artagnan. That would be awesome.

  • Brouwer Rangers

    I don’t see Grabo signing for $4.3217 per year, though.

    (Yes I am live-commenting this video rather than waiting until the end to put all my comments in one.)

  • Michael Reschly

    I just paid $8 for in-flight Wi-Fi, so I can access the internet at 39000 feet… And used it to watch this. I’m terrible at internet.

  • Bzzz77

    Love it!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I may have forgotten to say “million”

  • yv

    No CCs?!(

  • Benjamin Scarbro

    For Reference Here are today’s lines:

    Eric Carmichael Fehr – Mikhail Rasputin Grabovski – Alexander Ovenchicken Oveckin
    Marcus Dukakis Johansson – Nicklaus Backstrom – Troy d’Artagnan Brouwer
    Jason Stradivarius Chimera – Brooks Barnabas Laich – Joel Randolphs Ward
    Martin Nebakanezer Erat/A-Aron Volpatti – Jay Bodenheimer Beagle – Thomas Aquinas Wilson

    Carl Krimpus Alzner – John Nimbus Carlson
    Dimtri Mirvish Orlov – Mike AlaWishous Green
    John Namath Erskine – Stephen Nabanathy Oleksy

    Philipp Mountbathen Grubauer – Braden Buckmister Holtby – Michael Adelaide Neuvirth

  • Benjamin Scarbro

    And of course Nicklaus Backstrom skates under the radar of your wishes… just the way he planned it…

    http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/wp-content/uploads/nicklas-backstrom-luxurious-hair.gif

  • sheena dunn

    I could not stop laughing! I know I was crying! I have watch this over and over again!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I really hope the guys see this!

  • Ryan Glynn

    Oates is wishing for a smile to be dawned at every game for its entirety. As this will bring fear to our, now, confused oponentes.

  • Ryan Glynn

    Adam Esquire Oates*

  • VeggieTart

    Time for B-Buck the Holtbeast to get a start in Minnesota before his confidence is shot and Mountbaten is worn down to a shadow of his former self.

  • Barrett

    That was simply, stupendous!

  • JenniferH

    Sorry, “What did I just watch?” was not quite my reaction, more like LOL! Oh my goodness, that was hilarious!!! The accent(s), the pipe-snuffling, the middle names, the “ill-advised (yet competently translated) dismissals of goal-tending rivals”, the good weather for vespas,” the Hershey residency for Volpatti, the Ovenchicken middle name for Ovi, the urinal for Wardo, man, the list just goes on….. Classic stuff, Peter, classic!!!

    A+

  • Owen Johnson

    Steve Oleksy had nothing spectacular? I would have wished him to have less than 2 black eyes and 2 fat lips at the same time.

  • Simonezero

    All of Carlson’s Team USA promotional pictures have had me laughing/cringing. That hair with his sleepy eyes and lazy grin is kind of hilarious. I was telling my boyfriend at the game last night that his hair and Carlson’s are in fact quite similar. And what did he get for Christmas? A giftcard to get his hair cut from his concerned mother.

  • CapsCast

    That was really funny. Well done, Sir.

  • Jennifer Carignan

    You’ve put my pipe smoking technique to shame, sir.

  • Shawn Murphy

    This is exactly the type of hard-hitting journalism I’ve come to expect from RMNB, bravo sir.
    Now comes the thundering demand for a weekly segment of this, of which Peter feels obligated to provide but inevitably cannot live up to the intense schedule and the pressure drives him mad as he ends up a broken man, on the streets
    (wait, what?)

  • yv

    That’s what I have asked below, to have some close captioning to be sure what I’m hearing!

  • Myan

    Thank you for taking time out of your day to write the script & actually record this. Twas glorious!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Script? That’s how he talks all the time. #fancy

  • GuestZ

    After last nights game, I’d love to see a Youtube vijeo of Nicky and Ovi set to Pat Benatars – We Belong to the Light (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL7vjI3zNjc)

    If only I knew how to do such shenanigans…

  • Shaggy

    Most excellent, Peter “Alexeyevich” Hassett …

  • Matt Lauer

    :)

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I’m sorry! I’ll see what I can do.

  • Shehryar Shaukat

    I should get a pipe

  • JenniferH

    Stephen Nabanathy Oleksy could use an icepack on hand at all times. ;)

  • sgm

    So funny! Been reading RMNB all season for the serious (previous article on OT GWG analysis) and the silly and you never let me down on either front. Loved the NB19 “under the radar” comment as well.

  • Matthew Kory

    Unparalleled excellence, Peter Algonquin Hassett.

    (Though next time be kind enough to use a bubble pipe?)

  • SamWow Carroll

    Greenberg all about #fancychats, Peter’s nailing the #fancychats

  • Priscilla Villanueva

    So much. Just…so much.

  • Priscilla Villanueva

    It was like…django unchained meets huck Finn.

  • capsyoungguns

    Bravo Sirs. Absolutely fabulous.

  • Larry E. Ramey

    I died. You hit it out of the park on every single one.