neuvy

Photo: Luke Glendening

Editor’s Note: Peter and Chris are totally not here tonight. They’re at the Neutral Milk Hotel (who?) concert at DAR Constitutional Hall. Instead of having Ian recap the game poorly in English, we’re throwing a bone to our Russian readers tonight and letting Igor do the recap in Russian Machine’s native tongue! Please translate what we wrote in the comments below. If you’re nice, we’ll help.

Сегодня Кэпиталз привезли свой кошмарный Январь в Детройт. Десять поражений в течении первого календарного месяца нового года и предпоследнее место в таблице своего дивизиона – это уже довольно серьёзно, ну а то как команда проиграла вчера свой поединок в Коламбусе… перечень неприятных впечатлений довольно длинный – совершенно безалаберная игра в обороне, беззубая атака, невероятно “бесполезный” (аж -5!) Овечкин, потенциально серьёзная травма Грина – в общем ситуация хуже некуда. Всего одно очко отделяло Детройт от Кэпиталз  в таблице Восточной Конференции перед игрой, да и играли Ред Уингс в прошедшем месяце не намного лучше чем Вашингтон; если бы регулярный сезон закончился сегодня, обе команды вместо плэй оффс учасвовали бы в североамериканском варианте Кубка Надежды – на площадках для гольфа. А ведь Ред Уингс не пропускали борьбу за Кубок Стэнли уже почти четверть века! Смогут ли парни в белых свитерах с зимней классики закончить этот жуткий месяц на победной ноте – или Лорд Волан-де-Морт опять появится на нашей стартовой странице?

Кэпиталз начали игру гораздо лучше чем вчера (с другой стороны, хуже уже просто некуда). Вашингтонцы имели пару хороших шансов – но как обычно, дурацкое удаление Бэкстрома выбило их из колеи и следующие десять минут наши ребята проводят в основном в своей зоне. Чудеса, удача, и Михал Нойвирт каким то образом предотвращают неминуемый гол или три, и вот уже белые свитера в большинстве. Никки выкладывает пас на блюдечке с правого фланга на дальнюю штангу где Овечкин… о, нет в этот раз не Александр Великий, а Шимера(!) выводит Кэпиталз вперёд. Остаток времени до перерыва превратилось в шоу одного парня под номером 30.

Вторая двадцатиминутка стартовала довольно бойко и открыто (Тайсон кто?); к сожалению, Детройт преуспел в таком хоккее лучше, и Миллер сравнял счет после очередной комедии на пятачке Вашингтона, несмотря на акробатику Нойвирта. По сравнению с первым периодом игра более равная, но счетчик бросков по воротам по прежнему выглядит как типичый футбольный счет в конце игры Редскинс. Но за полторы минуты до конца Декайзер мощнейшим щелчком издали пробивает Нойвирта. Ага, мы это уже проходили…

Третий период начинается с умопомрачительной статистической отрыжки: любимец публики Джон Ёрскин на третьем месте по игровому времени среди всех Вашингтонцев, отставая всего на 4 секунды от второго (Алзнер). И мы еще как то умудрились пропустить только два гола? И опять дурацкое удаление… Всё выглядит довольно уныло, и вдруг! Откуда ни возмись! Кейси Уелман! В кои то веки Овечкин в кадре не потоому что нам только что забили, а потому что заработал результативную передачу при игре в равных составах!!! Неужели? Не тут то было, не может быть отчета без упоминания гола в ворота Вашингтона в течении 2 минут после забитого. Ёрскин пытается сделать что то совершенно непонятное с шайбой в зоне Детройта, Найквист на скорости прорывается в зону Вашингтона и пробивает Нойвирта. Кэпиталз получают шанс сравнять счет в конце периода играя в большинстве, создают кучу голевых моментов – но шайба в ворота не идет. Очередное пораже… МАМА ДОРОГАЯ!!!!! АЙ ДА ОВЕЧКИН! АЙ ДА СУКИН СЫН!!!!!!!!!!!!! ЗА 7 СЕКУНД ДО КОНЦА!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Овертайм закончился безрезультатно. Дело дошло до буллитов. Вы сами все видели. Тра-ля-ла, никто долго забить не мог, потом Ивс забил, а Бигл нет. Кэпиталз заработали очко для лузеров и полетели домой. Уингс победили по буллитам 4-3.

Несколько не особо мудрых мыслей:

  • Наверное можно играть в НХЛ с защитниками номер 3, 4, 5 и 6 которых зовут Орлов, Стракан, Ёрскин и Каррик. Если номер 1 и 2 Уеббер и Хара. А если #1 и #2 Алзнер и Карлсон, не в обиду будет сказано…
  • Детройт без Дацюка – это все равно что [вставляйте свои любимые аналогии]. Выздоравливай, Паша – без тебя России в Сочи просто не светит.
  • Дима, я люблю тебя как младшего брата. Даже больше. Но этот месяц для тебя был полон ошибок.
  • Лайк, похоже, получил травму в третьем периоде. Это плохо.
  • Михал Нойверт провел потрясающую игру. Если бы не он, до буллитов бы дело просто не дошло
  • Марти Эрат забьёт гол. Когда нибудь.
  • Про Ёрскина вообще ничего говорить не буду. Потому что Нейт Шмидт в Херши.
Joe B. Suit of the Night

Джо Б: костюм сегодняшнего вечера

Весь месяц мы пытались убедить всех кто читал наш сайт что Кэпиталз не такая плохая команда как может показаться если принимать во внимание только где они находятся в турнирной таблице и сколько игр подряд они умудрились проиграть. При этом мы и сами не всегда верили тому что писали – иногда только чудеса продвинутой статистики удерживали нас от присоединения к громкому хору недовольных фанатов требующих немедленного обмена чуть ли не всех игроков и увольнения всего руководства команды. Сегодня Кэпиталз заработали очко – но учитывая положение в таблице, это слишком мало. Кошмарный Январь закончен, и слава богу! До Олимпийского перерыва осталось всего три матча. Терять очки больше нельзя.

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  • dylan wheatley

    so not harasho, not harasho at all.

  • Jack Conness

    The Caps were super lucky to even get one point out of that affair. They didn’t deserve a single one. Most of the credit should go to Neuvy tonight who was absolutely awesome. Great game from him tonight. The Caps should of lost 24-1 but Neuvy kept them in it. I really liked how he played. Looked very confident in net. Hats off to him.

    Nothing new here tonight. The Caps are still awful, Oates still has no idea what is going on, and Ovi does everything he can with no help around him. This sucks.

  • Matt Lauer

    Whether pushing people out from the net
    Or playing like a smooth hockey vet
    I saw it from Chelios,
    Stevens, Lidstrom — even Meszaros!
    But as for John Erskine — not yet.

    #freeschmidt

  • Rob W.

    These guys just keep getting harder to watch, Im almost to the point where I don’t even expect them to win anymore. I know Green and Grabo are out but rule 76, no excuses play like a champion. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sequence of Erskine tripping over himself and nobody taking the body on Nyquist’s following goal.

  • Owen Johnson

    Too bad. If we had won, I would have changed my profile pic to this

  • Bill Smith

    Neutral milk hotel is freaking awesome. Wanted to go to that show so bad.

  • maddyjl

    r u srs someone needs to translate this pls pls pls

  • Mike Dietz

    Today Capitals brought their nightmare in January in Detroit. Ten lesions during the first calendar month of the new year and the last place in their division table – it is quite serious, as well as the team that lost its last match in Columbus … the list is quite long unpleasant experiences – absolutely careless play in defense, toothless attack, incredibly “useless” (-5 already!) Ovechkin, a potentially serious injury Green – overall situation worse. Only one point separated from Detroit Capitals Eastern Conference table before the game, and the Red Wings played in the past month is not much better than Washington, if the regular season ended today, both teams instead ÏËÝÉ offs uchasvovali would in the North American version of the Cup of Hope – on the grounds Course. But the Red Wings did not miss the fight for the Stanley Cup for nearly a quarter century! Will the guys in the white jerseys with winter classic finish this terrible month for a winning note – or Lord Volan de Mort again appear on our start page?

    Capitals started the game much better than yesterday (on the other hand, is simply nowhere worse). Washingtonians had a couple of good chances – but as usual, stupid removal Bekstroma knocked them out of the rut and the next ten minutes our guys performed largely in its zone.Miracles, luck, and Michal Neuwirth somehow prevent the inevitable goal or three, and now the white sweater in the majority. Nikki puts the ball on a plate from the right flank to the far post where Ovechkin … oh no not this time, Alexander the Great, and Schiemer (!) Displays Capitals forward. The remaining time before the break turned into a show one guy at 30.

    Second dvadtsatiminutka started quite smartly and openly (Tyson who?), Unfortunately, succeeded in this Detroit hockey better, and Miller equalized after another comedy on the patch of Washington, despite the acrobatics Neuwirth. Compared to the first period of the game is more equal, but counter shots on goal still looks like a typical football score late in the game the Redskins. But for fifteen minutes before the end of the click distance Dekayzer powerful punches Neuwirth. Yeah, we’ve been through …

    The third period begins with dazzling statistical burp: crowd favorite John Erskin in third place on the playing time of all Washingtonians, trailing by only 4 setsundy from the second (Alzner). And we still managed to miss as it is only two goals difference? Again stupid removal … Everything looks pretty dull, and suddenly! From any disturbances! Casey Uelman! For once Ovechkin subjects not flow that we just scored, but because it earned an assist while playing in equal compositions! Really? It was not there, there can be no mention of the report goals against Washington in 2 minutes after the goal. Erskin is trying to do something completely incomprehensible hockey in the area of ​​Detroit, on the Nyquist rate breaks in the area of ​​Washington and hit Neuwirth. Capitals get a chance to even the score at the end of playing the most, create a bunch of scoring chances – but the puck into the goal is not. Another defeat … DEAR MAMA!! Ah yes, Ovechkin! Ah yes, son of a bitch!!!! FOR 7 seconds to go!!!!!!

    Overtime ended unsuccessfully. It came down to a shootout. You saw everything. Tra-la-la, no long could not score, then scored Eves and no beagle. Capitals earn a point for the losers and flew home. Wings won 4-3 in shootouts.

    A few not very wise thoughts:

    Perhaps you can play in the NHL with the defenders number 3, 4, 5 and 6 which called Orlov ,Strachan , Erskin and Carrick . If the number 1 and 2 Webber and Hara . And if # 1 and # 2 Alzner and Carlson , no offense will be discussed …

    Detroit without Datsyuk – it’s like [insert your favorite analogy]. Get well, Pasha – without you in Sochi Russia simply does not shine.

    Dima , I love you like a younger brother. Even more. But this month for you was full of errors.

    Like , it seems, was injured in the third period. This is bad.

    Michal Noyvert spent an incredible game. If not for him, to a shootout would deal just did not come

    Marty Erat score. Ever.

    About Erskina generally did not speak. Because Nate Schmidt at Hershey.

    Joe B: suit segodnyashy pm

    All month we tried to convince all who read our website that Capitals not such a bad team as it may seem if we take into account only where they are in the standings and how many games in a row they managed to lose. At the same time we do not always believe what they wrote – sometimes only wonders advanced statistics kept us from joining the loud chorus of disgruntled fans demanding instant almost all players and firing the entire leadership team. Today Capitals earn a point – but given the position in the table, it’s too little.Nightmare January is over, thank God! The Olympic break just three matches. Lose points longer.

  • dylan wheatley

    *should have

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Yeah really. I have no idea what Igor actually said. Is it even about hockey?

  • CLoak And Dagger

    Oh Google Translate, never change.

    “Marty Erat score. Ever.”

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    “Dima , I love you like a younger brother. Even more. But this month for you was full of errors.” <3

    Igor, never change.

  • Owen Johnson

    Also, God apparently does not want Marty Erat to scoar

  • Alex Hughes

    Well this sucks, but at least we got a point out of it. John Erskine might be as bad as Jeff Schultz and he has zero puck handling skills as you can see on that third goal. We need to bring back Nate Schmidt. I thought a much better performance all around than yesterday and we need to start having Braden Holtby play like Michal Neuvirth. He was excellent tonight and I think that we should start him on Sunday. It was a great effort to come back with 7 seconds left though. Baby steps in the right direction in my mind.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Like who even are they? Why did Chris and Peter do this to me?

  • Dark Stranger

    I wouldn’t be surprised if many of Oisk’s issues are the combination of age and injuries taking its toll. He’ll be 34 this summer and not getting younger. Recommend replacing with Schmidt soon.

  • CLoak And Dagger

    heh heh

  • Alex Hughes

    We need to give Michal Neuvirth more starts. He hasn’t played poorly in just about everyone of his starts

  • Mike Dell

    All I can make out of it is…

    It’s cold, sad and dark in my soul,
    How could I know that you will die.

    Good bye, dear home shore,
    So hard to believe it is not a dream;
    Motherland- native home.
    Good bye, dear Motherland.

    And the sea wave cannot wait ’till we go on a combat trip
    We are called by the vast sea and thundering waves!

    We salute our fathers and grandfathers;
    We will always follow their advice;
    And now nothing will stop
    The victorious march of our country.

    Sail, sail without fear,
    proudness of the Northern Seas
    The hope of the Revolution, concentration of beliefs of the people.

    In October, in October
    We report our victories
    In October, in October, our grandpas gave us a new world.

  • Знайка

    январь все-таки с маленькой буквы пишется на русском :-)

  • liquid8d

    Caps no play defense. Red Wings many shots. Ovi only can score. Oates cannot how to fix.

  • Igor Kleyner

    январь – с маленькой, а Кошмарный Январь – с огромной! Как Великий Октябрь :)

  • Daniel Walker

    Neutral Milk Hotel and Marty Erat are tied for last in the league in goals. They are also tied for number of hit songs. What the hell does Oh Comely even mean?

  • Igor Kleyner

    Eat my shorts, Google Translate! Your Googling masters may be worth almost half a trillion $$, but I can stump you just like that with one little двадцатиминутка

  • disolitude

    Don’t these Caps superstars practice shootouts? If everyone just skates up and takes a slapper at the net they are bound to score once in 7 shots.

  • Bryan J. Casto

    With God as my witness, I thought that band was an obscure Parks and Recreation reference until just now.

  • Matt Root

    Poor Neuvy

  • JenniferH

    This was so awesome. The recap. In Russian. Not the game. Which sucked. Except for Neuvy. He who was awesome… and sassy! And Ovi’s 7-seconds-to-go goal was awesome too. Well, we got a point. Erm, yay? *sigh* This black hole of suck is not fun. But at least January is over. It will get better. Right? Please?

  • Red

    Ооо молодцы ребята. Продолжаем в том же духе до позорного конца сезона. По руски легче материтса.

  • Adam Fink

    But really, this is awesome. If only I knew what it said.

  • Red

    Disappointed we couldn’t win this one for Neuvy. That man deserved a win tonight.

  • Matt Root

    Noooo jennifer! Don’t start doubting. Coming from a doubter, it’s refreshing to see your optimistic posts! If you start down this path, all may be lost lol

  • MuzzMuzzington

    We can’t even blame the suckage of this team on injuries. Now that we are collecting a few to our better players and one of our three NHL calibre defensemen we are a garbage fire on the brink of full on landfill fire.

  • P.H. Beats

    It was an obscure Parks and Rec reference. It’s also an excellent band.

  • MuzzMuzzington

    It’s embarrassing watching us try to leave our own zone, let alone get the puck in the other teams zone without icing it or dumping it in in on a line change.

    I was fairly perturbed at Orlov on that second goal. Should have got it deep for the change, instead tried to one up Strachan, who was still stuck on the ice, and fails by turning it over for a near breakaway that Neuvy bails the line changers out of, only to have Orlov not take the man standing in the crease unharassed who then taps it in.

    This D corps has no real veteran leadership. Erskine is the only real veteran on D and he is awful. I guess they rely on Green to be the defensive leader?

  • Red

    Just wait till we hit March. Ooooh boy.

  • holidayblues

    Favorite part: “dazzling statistical burp: crowd favorite John Erskine”

  • JMW

    А! А! Мне удалось понимать!

  • Graham Dumas

    Yorskin. Nice. Sounds like… something else.

  • Graham Dumas

    А смайлик на русском–только )))))))))))))

  • Red

    Marty Erat will score. Eventually.

  • Sergey Popov

    That’s why I miss The Paralyzer

  • js

    long time lurker here, commenting for the 1st time to say: y’all are nuts. In a good, unreadable, way.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    JS, thanks! ..I think. Comment more!

  • Mark Gillis

    I saw Neutral Milk Hotel recently in Toronto. Peter and Chris made the right choice by a mile.

  • Roman Z.

    Haha I can’t believe you actually went with a full Russian recap! Amazeballs!

  • JenniferH

    Aww, you’re sweet. I want to believe, but I need to see something change, and right now, I do not see change a’coming. But if it helps any, I did begin the week counting out the points and how, ‘hey, if we win these three games and this team and that team and that team loses, we’ll be in THIRD PLACE!’ So I guess I am still sorta optimistic. But then, you know, we lost the last two games. :( But there’s always next week!

  • Roman Z.

    Haha whatever you’re paying Igor, you should double it! This recap is a fucking beauty )))))))

  • Roman Z.

    A gde matirki, ne vizhu lol !?

  • Roman Z.

    Good to see so many comments in Russian or attempts to comment in Russian lol

    Also: Erskine, do you even hockey?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Igor is one of the most intelligent and nicest guys I’ve ever met. We are all truly lucky to have him. I figured this would be fun.

    And really, how many bloggers have helped find ice on Mercury? I mean really.

    http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2012/12/10/how-russian-machine-helped-discover-ice-on-mercury/

    It’s way better than me trying to write about the game. And with these two teams being the most popular in Russia, I felt it would be a great time to try it out!

  • Roman Z.

    This blog is gold. Whoever does the recap, it always turns out perfect and unique in its own. I know people keep commenting on how they get cheered up after reading the game recap (usually after a loss at this point in the season), but you have no idea how much truth there is behind it! It makes the loss(es) so much more bearable when you get to enjoy the virtual company of individuals who are as depressed as you are post-game lol!

  • Konstantin Puchkov

    Thank you very much for russian text. I hope you’ll do the same sometimes.

  • danny

    Even more respect for you guys for liking neutral milk hotel

  • mike cook

    Holy shit, more importantly, when did neutral milk hotel start playing again?

  • Igor Kleyner

    Stopped reading at “nicest”. I don’t know you anymore.

  • Diller M

    This is a perfect recap. Brilliant guys!

  • Graham Dumas

    I double-dare you to translate “amazeballs” into Russian. Вступай!

  • Jaime

    If there’s one thing I learned from this experience, it’s that if I’m ever stranded in Russia with nothing but Google Translate at my disposal, I’m completely screwed.

  • Roman Z.

    Hey Graham! How were the holidays in Russia? I bet you had a velikolepnosharnoe time!

  • Graham Dumas

    Nah, homie (домовой :P ): it was оШАРительно! Boom!

    Actually, it was just normalno. But I did get to go to a VHL game, which was not horrible. Fans were great, actually. Play was, so-so.

    Other than that, just spent a lot of time lounging, reading, and occasionally hitting the banya (the in laws have their own).

  • Roman Z.

    A gde veniki :p ?!?

  • Jimmie

    In doge-speak, it’s roughly translated as: “Much mistake. So Erskine. Ovechkin amaze, wow. Such loser point. So shootout.”

  • Red

    Будут.

  • Graham Dumas

    Остались там, где и были: я их терпеть не могу!

  • Graham Dumas

    Yeah, more horrorshow than khorosho.

  • Rob Reichhelm

    This is hilarious, but Neutral Milk Hotel is awesome. Listen to them.

  • Rob Reichhelm

    I know a little Russian…ahem…AWESOME BEST!!!! ))))))))))) I’m pretty sure I just asked where the bathroom is.