No, seriously. I have no idea who this person is.

A website I never visit, Just Jared, tells me that a woman I know nothing about, Julianne Hough, is now dating Caps forward Brooks Laich. Yeah. The former cover model for Shy Magazine, which is an actual magazine, now has a famous person of some kind for a girlfriend.

They’re a ludicrously attractive couple. Looking at these pictures is gonna make you want to do some ab crunches.

I know literally nothing about her except her name. I don’t think she is an actress or a musician. She is perhaps on television. Yes, let’s go with that. I want to say she lives in California, but like one in ten people live there, so it doesn’t mean much. Ian tells me she is more famous than Hilary Duff, which is a very curious point of comparison from him.

These photos show her holding two dog leashes, but there are no dogs in the frame, which makes the photo far less interesting to me— because, again, I don’t know who this person is. But I do love dogs.

Regardless, congratulations to Brooks and his very pretty, very famous girlfriend. And condolences to legions of Laich lovers, whom I expect to hear from in the comments.

Before we close, please answer some questions for me:

  1. Who is Julianne Hough?
  2. How did they meet? Was it through Shy Magazine? Please say yes.
  3. Why does Ryan Seacrest’s name pop up when I google her?
  4. Wait, no. Really? That guy? I was always a Brian Ryan Dunkleman fan, personally.
  5. What effect will this have on Brooks’ possession score?
  6. [This joke was removed for appropriateness, but the word 'groin' was in it.]

Hough

Hough and Brooksie

Oh, there are the dogs! Hello, dogs! (Pics from Just Jared)

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  • Kim Peacock

    Oh wow… she was the one that dated Ryan Seacrest for like a million years and played the blonde lead in the new FootLoose… I think she got famous from Dancing with Celebrities.

  • Jimmie

    1) She is drop-dead gorgeous (and was in the horrid remake of “Footloose”).
    2) She is an accomplished dancer who was on “Dancing with the Stars” for a bit.
    3) She seems to have her head screwed on straight. No crazy haircuts, drunken rampages, or ridiculous music videos.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    They made a footloose sequel?! Where have I been?

  • Scough

    She used to date Ryan seacrest. She was on dancing with
    The stars.

  • Perri

    As long as Brooks doesn’t pull a Fisher and ask for a trade to the Kings, this relationship has my approval.

  • Jaime

    What I know of Julianne Hough is that she’s in Proactiv commercials and wore blackface for her most recent Halloween costume . . . so there’s that.

  • Kim Peacock

    Under a rock!!! Blake Shelton re-did the song to it. It’s a carbon copy of the first one… but bad.

  • opinions_thoughts

    Hahaha for the censoring of #6. Now our imaginations can run amok.

  • sheena dunn

    She was at the Caps vs Ranger game a few weeks ago. She was wearing a Caps jersey.

    She’s doing a movie with Teddy Sears. Teddy is a die hard Caps fan who is a friend of Brooks.

  • R.O’B.

    alright i got this. she was dating Ryan Secrest for a long time. She had a wee bit of scandal for her Halloween costume. she is a dancer turned actress, she has some really great dance video battles on instagram with her brother against Maria Menounos and her brother is a dancing coach on Dancing with the Stars.

    i am jealous and I can’t tell who I’m more jealous of him or her

  • Josh Carey

    Wait. Another question. Where are they? It is not shorts weather in DC.

  • Brouwer Rangers

    You love Dunkleman so much your love for him made you forget his name is Brian?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I am a fraud

  • Kim Peacock

    Her in Footloose

  • lilwolf30

    She’s also best friends with Nina Dobrev…

  • Cathy

    She is a pro dancer and country singer and actress….

  • Kim Peacock

    The article on the Celebrity sight says Studio City, CA

  • Tom
  • Dark Stranger

    Studio City, CA which is near LA.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    So both a singer AND an actress. I’m 0 for 2.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Wow. She’s been at a Caps game? How did that get past me! #personalfailingasareporter

  • Eileen Lucas

    She started off as a pro dancer….Dancing with the Stars!! She also dated Ryan Seacrest for a few years.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I’ve never seen it!

  • Chris Cerullo

    I feel like this is needed. Atta boy Brooksie.

  • lilwolf30

    I like that the site described Laich as “hunky”

  • Eileen Lucas

    Haha…you need to expand your horizons a bit. I’m not saying you need to like it.

  • lg

    She understands dedication and hard work, she and her brother moved to London (by themselves) when she was 10 to study dance. First and foremost, she’s a dancer.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    subtext: I need a girlfriend

  • Freedoooom

    Hopefully this increases his value in a trade.

  • sheena dunn

    it was in NYC….but yes. She was there.

  • Chris Cerullo

    #smokeshow

  • Gersh21

    She was also in the really bad movie version of Rock of Ages.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    oh my, she is a very attractive woman

  • Zach Evans

    I don’t know what else she was in, but she was a babe in Rock of Ages!! Great movie by the way.

  • billy

    Who?

    I’m with Peter. Totally clueless.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    You and @Gersh21:disqus do not agree.

    Do I need to see this movie? I like musicals but I don’t like hair metal in general. Guidance?

  • Alex Hughes

    Maybe now he can stop thinking about women, start producing points, and keep his brittle groin healthy.

  • Jimmy

    Did you read the article? It doesn’t say they are dating. Can you take 30 seconds to Google someone before you write an article so you don’t stupid.

  • Alex Hughes

    Tom Cruise is the main character in the movie. He is some huge rockstar in it. Overall I thought the movie was bad and the plot was weak.

  • nicoley-poley

    For any other fellow Laich lovers, I will be hosting a Lifetime movie marathon at my house tomorrow evening. BYOIC (bring your own ice cream.)

  • Freedoooom

    I think its logical to assume a male and female who are holding hands are in relationship of some sort.

  • lg

    This is her when she was 18…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i25nF5luJhY

  • Chris Cerullo

    Oh boy that halloween costume. Just a tad bit of misjudgment eh?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    “so you don’t stupid”

  • Chris Cerullo

    She sings this apparently (ton of views):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=182YRYbXxXQ

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett
  • Eileen Lucas

    Ah yes….my favorite dance of theirs!!

  • Chris Cerullo

    I think we may have finally found the answer to “Why does this game huge?”

  • Zach Evans

    If you don’t like Hair Metal, then you probably wouldn’t like it. Tom Cruise is the degenerate Axl Rose type singer who is breaking up with his band and going solo. While Hough moves from Oklahoma, and meets main character Drew (Diego Boneta) fall in love, he deals with success, loses girl, gets girl back (much like Mark Wahlberg’s Rockstar!) Great cast, but if you’re not a fan of 80’s music, you probably wouldn’t enjoy as much as myself.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Ahhhhh I think I’m gonna skip it. Heh.

  • Topher Gee

    It has probably been touched on but I appreciated you guys giving Brooks some credit and not really “knowing” who Ms Hough is. All of the gossip blogs aren’t giving Brooks the time of day. She must have found out about his figure skating skills from CRL.

  • Topher Gee

    Clutch find!

  • Just ask me

    She was a pro dancer on dancing with the stars for years, won twice. She had a hit single as a country singer and she’s also an actress. Burlesque, Rock of Ages, and more recently a movie based off of Nicholas sparks best seller called safe haven! She’s very well known/famous!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett
  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Yes, very. This is why she was my celebrity crush for the longest time.

  • ATPinDC

    Huh. Good for Brooks for keeping it quiet for this long, I guess, if someone first posted about it right after the new year.

    Here are some pictures from 2/12 in LA.

    http://picturepub.net/forum/showthread.php?17828-Julianne-Hough-Cuvee-in-Los-Angeles-02-12-2014

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I will never get used to this.

  • jennrubenstein

    i love musicals, i like hair metal, it was probably good on broadway but the movie was meh. i stuck it out until the end, and it has good moments (anything mary j. blige touches, basically) but having watched it, i wish i hadn’t wasted my time.

  • lilwolf30

    Just adding random knowledge I know! lol

  • Spike

    Unless she’s taking him for a walk just like the dogs

  • Mark Gillis

    It’s hilarious to me that on the comments of some other blog somewhere there are people wondering who Brook Laich is.

  • Mark Gillis

    Brooks*

  • Priscilla Villanueva

    Surprising. He usually goes for the brunette variety.

  • sara

    She’s (or was) on Dancing With the Stars as a professional dancer, younger sister of Derek Hough. She was also an extra in the first Harry Potter movie lol.

  • Elaine

    She is the one who during Halloween dressed up as “Crazy Eyes” from Orange is the New Black…including painting her face black. She’s not exactly the smartest, and she can’t really act or sing. But she’s a good dancer!

  • Two for Stabbing

    I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the story, but the number of times I read what you guys write and it leaves me cracking up is innumerable. Another great piece here boys, keep it up.

  • VeggieTart

    His expression in the first picture seems to say, “Why are you holding my arm like that?”

    But maybe he is enjoying his little break.

  • Gersh21

    It was on HBO a million times recently (I know because my fiancee will put on any musical as background noise regardless of quality). I saw the musical a while back and while I usually despise jukebox musicals, I liked it because it was very self aware and poked fun at itself. The movie did none of that, it was just a bunch of movie stars singing hair metal.

  • Diller M

    Dancing with the stars…. She danced wi Adam carolla, that’s about all I know. Maybe she got a flat tire over the summer somewhere in Canada..

  • Todd N

    i followed her on instagram *don’t judge* maybe we’ll see pics of Laich soon.

  • Andy

    Nice. Brooksy finally found someone who can massage his groin.

  • bwitch16

    Just listen to Jim Florentine’s (That Metal Show) review on the movie, and you never will. It is hilarious ;-)

  • RP709

    The guy from ‘Masters of Sex’ is a friend they have in common, I think his name is Mark something, that is how they met. She dated Clooney, and Seacrest , I believe were her previous 2 BF, I think. That’s all I got!!

  • Eddie

    Julianne Hough used to be on “Dancing With The Stars,” and she was okay in the “Footloose” remake. Don’t really like her singing in “Rock of Ages,” but that movie was riddled with more problems than that…

  • Kim Peacock

    They almost have the same amount of hair on their head…

  • CayugaLaker

    Hey Brooks, did you steal those shoes from Johnny Weir(d)? Why didn’t you take his tiara as well?

  • CayugaLaker

    Be sure to have a spare tire and a jack.

    TrunkMonkey loves changing tires.

  • Jimmy

    Sorry I left one word out (look). You did not even do ANY research for your article.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Actually, I did a lot. I just left it out of the article because it’s central conceit is humor.

  • Meagannicole80

    Not too sure how they met, but she started out as a dance instructor on Dancing With The Stars, I I think she won a few times and then left the show to make an album, then she went into acting. She’s actually pretty good at it all in my opinion, she dated Ryan Seacrest for a while.

  • pixiestix

    I wouldn’t mind seeing Brooksie on DWTS paired with Julianne in the off season. They’ve had other athletes on the show.

  • Chris Cerullo

    Downvoted lol? #What

  • BPThomas

    Guess we know how Laich keeps getting those recurring groin injuries

  • VirginiaPatriot

    Really didn’t know who she was? Come on. You want to buy my autographed Julianne Hough cd? I also have some great photos of her when she opened for Brad Paisley a few summers ago. (Please don’t say “who’s Brad Paisley?”!)

  • VirginiaPatriot

    And she has a great voice. Had a top country single and toured. She opened a couple of years ago for Brad Paisley. I’d say she’s a 25 year with tons of talent in different areas and hasn’t quite settled on what she wants to do.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I LOVE BRAD PAISLEY

  • colziekath
  • Jonah

    and the laich lovers attack!

  • Jonah

    well someone had to say it

  • Whiz126

    Ok here’s Juli
    anne’s story. She started as a professional ballroom dancer. Won twice on Dancing with the Stars and then tried a singing career. Ended up in movies and dated Ryan Seacrest for a couple of years.

  • Emily

    Even better as “Brook”!

  • Emily

    Right, that “he hides in the basement” article…

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  • mea25

    Yea, Nina who is going with Ian Somerhalder.

  • lilwolf30

    was..no longer with Ian..

  • Guest

    She must be a celebrity crush of Tom Wilson’s

    https://twitter.com/tom_wilso/status/344665646111551488/photo/1

    He posted this over the summer: Watch out Brooksie!