RMNBParty6-3

Photo: Chris Gordon

Editor’s note: Hockey Prospectus projected Troy Brouwer to score 21 or 22 goals this season. Ian did not consult the book before betting the Brouwer Rangers that he would not even hit twenty. The stakes if he lost: Ian would have to dress up with the B.R. and attend a game in full regalia. Brouwer scored twice on March 16th, and Ian has been dreading this coming Saturday ever since. To get you wayyyyyy more ready than you need to be for the big day, we turn things over to the Brouwer Rangers.

As you should know by now, Ian is set to join the ranks of the Brouwer Rangers. On Saturday, March 29, 2014, during a #mustwin hockey game between your Washington Capitals and those bastardly bastards of Beantown, Ian will don spandex, fanny pack, and helmet as retribution for a momentary but utter lack of judgment. It will be glorious.

In the meantime, let’s recap how Ian arrived in this tight spot (spandex joke!).

It began innocently enough on the night of November 22, 2013, during a Caps/Canadiens game. Troy Brouwer had just finished punching P.K. Subban in the face, and Ian made a snide comment referencing Brouwer’s contributions: 5 goals and 1 assist through 23 games (though he’d go on to get another assist later that night):

Naturally, we defended our boy Troy in a mature, rational manner:

In a fit of blind rage and pure hatred, Ian responded without thinking:

Lesson: Do not take betting advice from Ian.

All there was to do was wait and hope. And tell Brouwer about it, which we did on March 12 at the Caps Casino Night event. At the time, he had 18 goals. He pledged that knowing Ian would have to wear spandex if he reached 20 would inspire to shoot more. Ian brought it up again on March 15 in a locker-room interview with Brouwer, probably in a last-ditch effort to jinx Brouwer.

This last-ditch effort failed miserably! The very next day, it happened. With the clock ticking down and the Caps leading the Maple Leafs 3-2, Brouwer cleared the puck out of the defensive zone with a bank shot off the boards from the top of the right circle. It had steam, and the line to the Leafs’ empty net looked good. Chaperoned by a selfless Nick Backstrom, Brouwer’s unlikely shot found the net for his 20th goal of the year!

Ian immediately regretted the decision he’d made four months earlier:

We tweeted in kind:

And lots of other people joined in:

Thankfully, RMNB’s most journalisty journalist extraordinaire (Chris Gordon, duh) asked the post-game question everyone wanted the answer to:

We got to work hooking Ian up with everything he’d need: full-body spandex suit, fanny pack and helmet:

Ian got to work exercising:

And reality soon sunk in:

While Ian frantically exercised, we furiously refreshed package tracking:

Thanks to Amazon Prime (free plug!), the suit and helmet arrived soon thereafter:

And we got right to work painting the helmet:

So it would be ready in time to unveil at #RMNBParty6:

Where Ian pretended to be really bummed about it but secretly he was super stoked:

We know he was super stoked because he told us privately. And we quote from a conversation this week:

“I tried [the full-body spandex suit] on last night at midnight. And [my fiancé] Ashley couldn’t stop laughing…. I’m excited. Honestly, the thing was more comfortable than I thought. And you just naturally start making ninja moves in it.”

At one point he even called it “flattering” to his figure. We all tell ourselves that. Please note that it is a lie designed to convince oneself he won’t look ridiculous, which he will.

Ian would also need a ticket to the game. Due to scheduling conflicts, we had to move Ian’s big reveal from the last home game of the season, and Ian picked a tough substitute: Saturday afternoon against the Bruins. But our section-buddy Khan came to the rescue, offering up the seat next to him (and directly in front of us) in 402 J.

There is one last piece to the Ian Oland Apology Tour puzzle: Ian’s sign. We’re working on it now, and will reveal it on Twitter right before the game starts (as is tradition) on Saturday afternoon.

We’ll document the day thoroughly, but will rely on you all for help. If you’ll be at the game, please find us and get a picture. Tweet it to us with the hashtag #IanOlandApologyTour. It will probably be your only chance to get a picture with three Brouwer Rangers at once, so make it count. Bonus points if you figure out a way to Brouwer Bomb the photo.

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  • Brouwer Rangers

    Protip: your best bet for a photo is probably during warmups, which we plan to watch from our normal spot on the glass in front of Section 120 or 121. We’ll be in 402 for the game.

  • Topher Gee

    Of course I sold this game the first day of the season….

  • http://twitter.com/1bscarbro Benjamin Scarbro

    Has CSN been made aware?

  • Brouwer Rangers

    oops

  • Rob W.

    Does Troy know its happening tomorrow? need to see his reaction

  • sheena dunn

    Don’t forget, I’ll be there with my Brouwer Bomb! :o)

  • sheena dunn

    I think he knows….if not, someone tweet at him! I will be down there with them. I’ll try and get some good pictures!

  • sheena dunn

    Can I get a picture??

  • Brouwer Rangers

    If he doesn’t know, he’ll find out when warmups start!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland
  • Brouwer Rangers

    duh

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Yes. Anyone can. This is for ONE DAY ONLY.

  • Jesse Morgan

    I’ll waddle over from 409. Think we can get the Red Rockers in on this?

  • http://www.twitter.com/jennrubenstein jennrubenstein

    oh my god oh my god oh my god, i’m busy tomorrow night and thought i would miss this but i just now realized it’s a DAY GAME!!! ahhh!!! off to stub hub i go!

  • Graham Dumas

    OK, this is a much more appropriate place for this comment, as opposed to the deflated recap of the last Kings game. My bad–I have crappy timing.

    @ianoland:disqus @brouwerrangers:disqus Ianspotting: this is officially a thing. #eyesonian @russianmachine http://t.co/EANdsJT0eh— ГрэМститель (@Gremstitel) March 26, 2014

  • Graham Dumas

    “I will find you!” (Really, there’s no way for that to not sound creepy. Sorry.)

    http://jrarcieri.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/the-last-of-the-mohicans-original.jpg

  • Bryan J. Casto

    This may be one of my favorite articles ever posted on RMNB.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    That’d be hilarious. Please make this happen, yes.

  • Fedor

    That’s exactly how I’d expect an engaged man to answer. “Yeah, bring the girls. Yeah, I’ll be in spandex. No, I don’t care.”

  • Tadd

    There’s been a lot funny moments on RMNB. But nothing beats this. Nothing, Beats. This.
    NOTHING!

  • Owen Johnson

    I was gonna request tomorrow off to go to this game with a friend. I ended up not doing so. Now I’m regretting it.

  • JenniferH

    I LOVE THIS ALL SO HARD! Sorry, Ian, but make your bets much more thoughtfully in the future. Much. But we’re all so not sorry. Not at all.

  • JenniferH

    Aww, darn. :(

  • Mahesh Prasad

    I also watch warmups from section 120 every game, so I look forward to hopefully meeting you in person!