It seems the Washington Capitals didn’t have anything left in the tank after that trip through California. Since then, it’s been a spirally flush down a soiled toilet. This time, someone remembered to flush. The Dallas Stars didn’t even have to be good because the Caps were freaking awful.
Tyler Seguin scored after a turnover. Ray Whitney scored after a turnover. Dustin Jeffrey scored after a defensive clustereff and then again in the third. Garbutt got a shorty.
It was never close. Ever.
Stars beat Caps 5-0. Shutout. Dagger. Coffin. Fat lady.
- Shut out for Calle Johansson. Very good work by the Dallas goalie.
- I peeked at the Weyland Yutani Out-of-town Scoarboard. It’s over, guys. Maybe the Caps can win every game from here on out, but we should get real.
- Jaroslav Halak was sacrificed to the bench after the Caps gave up their third goal, but anyone thinking he was at fault is a butthead. No, it turns out he’s not the 2014 version of Cristobal Huet, but goaltending was NEVER THE PROBLEM anyway.
- Braden Holtby, who should be the Caps #1 goalie in the fall once Halak gets the hell out of dodge, was awesome in relief.
- The Capitals’ utter disdain for the neutral zone is fascinating. Not fascinating like, “cool, fascinating.” More like how scaphism or antibiotic resistance is fascinating. When the Caps were stuck in their own zone for approximately 17 minutes in the second period, Orlov’s lazy stretch pass to the far blue line led directly to the Ray Whitney two-on-none goal that broke the team’s back. I chose broke deliberately there, as the team is definitely broken.
- I’ll share the shot attempt chart in the comments below, where you’ll notice that the Caps did positive nothing after getting scored on. Each time the Stars scored, they spiked in shot attempts. That’s what giving up looks like.
- Adam Oates split up Beagle and Alex Ovechkin in the third period. That was two weeks too late.
- Also in the third period, the Capitals started generating offense. That was also too late, but it was like 6 months too late.
- The Capitals power play is supposed to be the best in the league. Tonight they were exemplary at setting up shorthanded chances for the Stars, who are supposed to be objectively wretched at the penalty kill.
- Dustin Jeffrey averages nine minutes of ice a night, so he’s a hardcore fourth liner for Dallas. And yet his grinding ass got two skill goals on the Caps.
- Meanwhile the Caps bottom line was outshot 12 to 1 after 40 minutes. That’s 7% puck possession, about 43% below average.
- I got a burrito, but they put corn salsa in it, which is gross. Then I bumped my knee, which hurt. Plus my dog smells awful. And I heard they discovered some new disease in China. Everything sucks.
- CSN had a hot mic or a bad connection along the boards that threatened to blow my speakers every time there was action near it. Good news it was in the Stars end, which didn’t see much action.
- Third line was still good. No matter what, they’re still good. They’re lawful good.
We’ll have more later, but heads should roll. These Caps look way way worse than the team that supposedly gave up on Boudreau.
I don’t have much to say here except you deserve better. You invest time and money and feels into this team, and they let you down hard.
As of right now, the Washington Capitals show no intent to make any changes.
— Amanda (@UnleashTheFury) April 2, 2014
An earlier version of this story contained a phrase I did not know was offensive. It has since been removed. Thanks to Ryan for the heads up.