Aaron Volpatti: 2013-14 Season Review

Aaron Volpatti wasn’t cut out for NHL work. I don’t want to write this review. Is there anything on TV? Tumblr? Maybe I can finally beat 2048 for once? Nope. Alright, here we go.

By the Numbers

41 Games played
7.1 Average time on ice per game
2 Goals
0 Assists
39.5% Shot attempt percentage during 5v5
36.4% Goal percentage during 5v5
4.0% On-ice shooting percentage during 5v5
95.4% On-ice saving percentage during 5v5

Peter’s Take

This is a tough one to recap. Aaron Volpatti got outplayed pretty much constantly since game one, but it’d seem unsporting to pore over the details. It’s not like he’s a bad guy– or even a bad hockey player– just perhaps not one who should’ve been playing on this level and on this team.

And Volpatti’s shortcomings as a player aren’t easy to isolate from his circumstances: playing very few minutes on a bad 5v5 team with a bad 5v5 system and a weak defense and virtually no special teams time. For a marginal player looking to prove himself on the big stage, these were absolutely rotten circumstances.

Real quick: The Caps owned 9.1 percent fewer shot attempts when Volpatti was playing. That’s the worst relative possession score on the Caps by a mile and the 6th worst in the whole league. Volpatti enjoyed a ridiculous 95.4 save percentage from Caps goalies while he was playing, which probably earned the Caps a couple more wins than they deserved. On the other hand, Caps players shot just 4% when he was playing– turning everyone into John Erskine until Volpatti hit the bench. In short: nothing happened when Aaron was playing, which was both a blessing and a bore.

This is the paragraph where I express my continued disbelief at Adam Oates. Dude played Volpatti for half the season despite the Caps’ purported dedication to statistical analysis. Even without the nerdery, the eye test (which sounds very ableist if you ask me) was screaming, “Yo, maybe switch it up on the bottom line, dude.” Oates, man. I don’t even know.

I sincerely doubt Volpatti will see Caps ice time next season. If he did, I’d be willing to bet he’d look like a different player– though I’m still skeptical if that different player would be up to snuff.

Volpatti on RMNB

In Pictures

A one-timer rebound got Volpatti on the scoreboard.

Um.

Your Turn

What did you think of the Mad Men finale? I had a hard time reading Don’s reaction to the dance number, but I thought the whole thing was terrifically well done. Even Pete “I’m always constipated” Campbell seems like a Real Person and not just cartoon. I dunno, I just love that show. But what do YOU think?

Read more: Japers Rink, Peerless

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  • Greg Schmidt

    You sound like you don’t like Oates. I might be mistaken, though. ;)

  • Sarah

    I am sorry this is not about hockey, but I was hoping I could ask Ian’s advice on another important matter. Msn.com brought this news to my attention yesterday, and I was wondering whether, as a smallish single woman traveling alone with no weapon, I can still feel safe in New York.

  • DashingDave314

    How the heck do ferrets present a danger (other than the fact that they stink really really really bad)?

  • Rob W.
  • Sarah

    Let me tell you, when I go to New York what I worry about happening to me is somebody’s carpet shark trying to crawl up my pants leg. #WeAreThe29%

  • Myan

    I’d like to point out that Schmidt’s slapshot gave AP that rebound for the goal.

    Now that that’s over, Mad Men finale was superb. I loved the message that “the best things in life are free”. The partners left the meeting giddy at how rich they’d all become and immediately went to announce to the company that Bert Cooper was dead. In all their excitement, it seemed like the partners forgot that the day was about commemorating a man’s life. In addition, for all the money the partners would get, none of them really have families or lives outside the company.

  • VeggieTart

    Well, it became obvious why Vancouver put him on waivers. Wonder what would happen if the Caps did the same–would the Canucks pick him up and assign him to their AHL team?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Hahaha. This is so hilarious to me.

    So let’s get weird for a second. I don’t really think ferrets are dangerous creatures – so that’s a completely ridiculous poll. Like here’s an example. When I put my ferrets to bed, I put my nose to their nose, we stare each other for 10 seconds, I kiss them on the cheek, and put them in their hammock. Sometimes they lick my hand and ankles like a dog would when they play. When I get aggressive with them, they will bite my fingers, but their teeth can’t perforate my skin, so it’s not scary. Pretty great animals. Really great pets.

    Then let’s consider the other side of it though. They are descendants of weasels. They are really inquisitive. If you leave your window open a crack, they will dig at the window until it opens enough for them to escape, they’ll go outside, go down the emergency stairs 30 stories up (because they have no sense of danger), and will live in the streets of NY. They can breed like crazy. It could become a disaster on Long Island, especially with the lack of predators like hawks. So I get the ban there, but people should not fear them. They are the cutest animals in the world IMO.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    They don’t stink. I believe all ferrets in MD that are sold in stores have their scent glands removed (they are also descendants of skunks), and if you clean their litter everyday, it’s fine.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I’d also like to point out that Volpatti shot the puck right at the goaltender while 95% of the net was open to his right.

  • Sarah

    Ah. Thank you for the information. I did some brief research on the threat they pose, and all I could find on google images was this sobering PSA.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I’m pretty sure a ferret would try to gnaw the chainsaw to death or drag it somewhere until they think it’s hidden from view, than actually use it on a human

  • Barrett

    I was about to say the same thing.

  • Sarah

    Oh. Thank God. I will now sleep better.

  • Myan

    I can’t decide if that is better or worse than Mojo missing an open net-oh wait, it’s the perfect pass for Kuzya! …argh CAPS!

  • Barrett

    Hey Aaron, let the door knob hit ya…where the good lord split ya!

  • Sarah

    But still, if I see a ferret in a hockey mask I’m gonna run like hell.

  • DashingDave314

    Didn’t Volpatti knock out Steve Downie? That might be the only good thing he did with the Capitals.

  • Owen Johnson

    To A-Aron Volpatti: The finest and most splendid extended stay room… in Hershey, Pa.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Here’s my favorite Aaron Volpatti story. I was hanging out with Wes Johnson at Caps Convention last year trying to find some chairs to sit down. Volpatti was being escorted somewhere behind the stage. He sees us, goes out of his way to introduce himself, and chats with us for a few mins completely out of the blue. He may be the nicest human to ever human. I think that’s why the Caps signed him to a two-year deal and really hoped he’d pan out. Plus he’s a fighter – how much does a fighter need to be able to play?

    Sadly, the answer: way more than he could.

  • CapsCast

    What Aaron Volpatti lacks in playing ability he makes up for in dreaminess. That is something you can’t quantify in your beloved charts and graphs. The fact you chose not to include his photo in his season review is nothing short of outrageous. Good day, Sir!

  • Brouwer Rangers

    So what you’re saying is that ferrets are basically the pit bull of the mustelidae family? (Yeah, I know how to google.)

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Is he dreamy? Like can we take an informal poll here?

    Also, can the @Brouwer Rangers:disqus explain what’s happening here with Troy?

  • Sarah

    Apparently, the Macgyver.

  • nicoley-poley

    Ehh, I’d give him maybe a 7/10 on the dreamy scale. He’s not quite Brooks Laich, but still pretty good-looking. He’s got that “tall dark and handsome” quality.

  • Golly Girl

    I like how you still managed to bring it back on topic with the hockey mask picture.

  • Sarah

    Not exactly my type, but I see this person’s point.

  • Owen Johnson

    You’re forgetting that wolverines are mustelids.

  • pixiestix

    Sorry i had a hard time finding Volpatti in the photo at first – Wardo’s date’s top was really distracting.

    The straight on camera angle really emphasizes that ‘hockey stick’ angle of Volpatti’s nose.

    He’s not my type either, but i could see dreamy potential.

  • Graham Dumas

    Plus one for Python. Perhaps the Caps would do better as an Anarcho-syndicalist commune?

  • Owen Johnson

    Ferrets are really cute. My cousins had some when we were all kids. Yeah the smell isn’t the greatest, but it triggers some happy memories for me, such as playing Megaman X and Street Fighter 2 with my gigantic number of cousins.

  • Sarah

    But are they WORLDWIDE like ferrets?

  • pixiestix

    upvote for A-Aron

  • tpr04

    Aaron Volpatti while playing in about half the games, with less than half of the minutes, managed to match 1L Johannson in ES goals this season – 2.

    That’s the most interesting stat I could find on Volpatti, but, I think, it says a lot more about Oates than it does about Volpatti or Johannson. I doubt he’s on the VC ice next year. I suspect he was on the ice this year, mainly because of Oates’ leftie/rightie fetish. Would any other coach in the NHL really have made Fehr a healthy scratch over Volpatti? No.

    Pete, is that your comment about Mad Men above?

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    No I’m saying they’re the land otters of the mustelidae family. http://i.imgur.com/93l9RDL.gif

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    That’s some quality analysis there.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    Not sure “distracting” is the word.

  • Topher Gee

    How have i never seen that commercial. MTN DEW gold right there http://youtu.be/UWgbMJZupGM

  • Pat Magee

    Didn’t he completely thrash Steve Downie? That’s fine with me. 10/10

  • Anthony Elworthy/scrubversive

    We’ll elect an executive officer of the week to wear the ‘C,’ and it will somehow turn out to be an unmitigated disaster… See the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP! I’m being repressed!

    http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/o2i.gif

  • http://www.twitter.com/jennrubenstein jennrubenstein

    fuck wolverines.

    #GoBucks

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    BREAKING: Aaron Volpatti doesn’t have a vagina.

  • Graham Dumas

    Remember when there was much rejoicing?

  • Anthony Elworthy/scrubversive

    That depends, will we have to cannibalize the minstrels?

  • Graham Dumas

    The minstrels were the sort of hangers-on/commentators of Sir Robin’s non-bravery. So, umm, in this context, be they not we, or something?

  • Sarah

    …and even if he did, in that case a doorknob to the crotch, though unpleasant, is at least not disabling. #FactsOfLife

  • Barrett

    …are you sure?

  • Sarah

    Maybe re-watch some of his fights, and if you’re not convinced you can go ask him.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    Haha, yes you’re absolutely right, but Mojo’s ES production is an awfully low bar to clear.

    And yeah that’s my Mad Men comment.

  • Myan

    He has this certain blood thirsty vampire look going. Good looking guy but he’s not really my type.

    I got a close up look at Brouwer in Nashville and pictures really don’t do him justice! Dustin Penner is also pretty good looking in the flesh…talk about blue eyes!

  • tpr04

    Great comments on Mad Men – love the show. Pete Campbell had some of the best one liners last week – good to see NY Pete back.

    Trying to figure out when and how it will end.

  • Sarah

    Ray Emery should be dropped in a pit of killer bunny rabbits for this, and eaten alive while Caps fans cheer. Although Holtby whooping him 7-0 is pretty good too.

  • Anthony Elworthy/scrubversive

    I’m never not going to be bitter about this incident and the NHL’s indifference after the fact.

  • Sarah

    I feel the same, but take comfort in knowing that at least those people have to live in Philadelphia.

  • Sarah

    And anyway, if his incompetent butt is in goal, so much better for everyone else. Only the Flyers would have benefited from a suspension.

  • JH

    OMG I cannot believe how many comments this has. Is it Friday afternoon or Aaron Volpatti. On a serious note, however – if we move Wilson up to a top-six role, and we send AV back to Hershey or trade him, we don’t have a lot of fourth-line dudes, do we? I guess Beags at Center, that seems decent. Beyond that, uhhhhh….?

  • pixiestix

    utterly fascinating?

  • JH

    Hammock? They sleep in a hammock? Is that normal or are they super-spoiled-Paris-Hilton-Chihuahua-level-spoiled ferrets (except with no sense of danger)? Just asking.

  • Stevarooni

    Yippie ay yay,
    Volpatti

    Kinda looks like Commodus from an angle.
    “Aaron, your faults as a Capital is my failing as a coach”
    or something.

  • Sarah

    Holy crap, I’d be Ian’s ferret over Paris’ any day.

  • tpr04

    Latta and Brown are perfect for the 4th line.

  • Red

    Ferrets are dangerous. Exhibit A: The Dude in distress.

  • Red
  • Guest

    Definitely dreamy. The first time my 5 year old daughter ever mentioned someone’s looks it was in regards to Volpatti. “Mommy, I LIKE his face!”

  • Sarah

    I feel a lot more sorry for the ferret.

  • Sarah

    Penner has nice eyes. All Time Best NHL Blue Eyes award goes to Roy, though (along with the Jack Adams).

  • Fred Merc

    You wouldn’t last 5 seconds with him.

  • Barrett

    I’m guessing none of you have heard of Latimore or watch the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon?

  • Barrett

    it isn’t a reference to a door knob to the vagina – that’s for a female. Aaron Volpatti is obviously a male, therefor it is in reference to his buttocks.

    how has no one heard that phrase before?!

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/ Peter Hassett

    I got ya, I just didn’t wanna chime in ’cause the conversation took a weird turn.

  • http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com Ian Oland

    I have – it’s always referred to a woman. Anyways – moving on!

  • JenniferH

    Yes, he is dreamy.

  • JenniferH

    I laughed at the no picture because of Peter’s history of thought about Volpatti, but as a female who appreciates the pretty, I was disappointed, I will not lie.

  • JenniferH

    Penner is quite, quite pretty. Totally has the hockey-(non)teeth thing there going, but quite pretty.

  • JenniferH

    Ditto.

  • Fred Merc
  • Fred Merc
  • Eric Schulz

    Latta, Brown, Chimera, Ward, Beagle, plus guys we can call up and use on a short-term basis like Wellman, and Stoa.

  • Jason Smith

    Sorry dude, that was a marmot.