[Editor’s note: Here’s Nathan of the Brouwer Rangers, here to make fun of me and also invite you a party. – Peter]
Remember that one time when we ran an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for local hockey-related charities, and you guys responded with such absurd generosity that each charity ended up getting $2,020.20, and you guys ended up getting some fun Brouwer Pouwer swag like t-shirts, jerseys and even some fanny packs?
That was fun. Let’s do it again!
But it’s kind of boring to do the exact same thing again. Plus, crowdfunding is totally played out. Just ask Zack Danger Brown. Instead of just repeating something that was relatively easy (not-to-mention wildly successful beyond our hopes and expectations), we decided to try something new that might not work at all!
That’s why we
blackmailedtalked the RMNB guys into joining forces to throw what is guaranteed to be at least the 7th best RMNB Party yet1, and we’re calling it:
PARTYZORD: The Brouwer Rangers/RMNB ‘Legends of Ice Dancing’ Tour de Pouwer (to Support Fort Dupont Ice Arena)™2
“Just who are these legends of ice dancing?” you may be asking yourself? It’s you, silly!
Here’s the deal: Our friends at Fort Dupont Ice Arena (FDIA) have reserved the rink3 on Saturday, Sept. 6, from 10 a.m. to noon for the exclusive use of the friends and families of the Brouwer Rangers and Russian Machine Never Breaks4.
Please note that this is not Labor Day weekend, because Labor Day is Monday, Sept. 1, this year. So if you’re out of town for Labor Day that is not a valid excuse for not coming.
Why are we doing this? Because in addition to having some fun hanging out with you kool kats, we want to raise some more money for the Friends of Fort Dupont Ice Arena, a nonprofit organization that provides ice-skating and hockey programs for economically disadvantaged kids5. As FDIA notes on its website, it’s the only public indoor ice arena in DC, and the only skating facility in the area that provides free or subsidized skating programs for children. Which is pretty cool if you ask us. The Washington Capitals organization, which you may have heard of, supports FDIA, as do several of the individual players6.
FDIA normally charges an admission fee for the general public, but we convinced them to let you hooligans in for free. But seeing as this is a fundraiser, not an “oh-hey-the-Brouwer-Rangers-got-me-free-admission-to-ice-skating-raiser,” you should please kindly plan to make a donation at the door7. In fact, we’re recommending that you plan to donate $208.
Highlights will include:
- More Brouwer Ranger ice dancing9
- Slow-skates with Peter Hassett10
- Bake sale (?)
- Silent auction (?)
- Plenty of visors up11
- Being really, really cold12
- Special guests TBA13
Here’s what we need from you:
Second, there a few other potential aspects of PARTYZORD we could use your help with.
- Bake sale: What fundraiser is complete without a bake sale? Are you skilled in the bakery arts and generous with both your time and resources? Consider donating a delicious14 baked good(s) for other partygoers to purchase and enjoy. Extra credit if your particular baked good is hockey- or Caps-themed.
- Playlist: FDIA has foolishly given us access to the PA system, which means we’re putting together a playlist15. Unless you want it to be chock full of emo slow jams from Peter’s iTunes library or the Best of the Mountain Goats16, hit us up with some suggestions.
- Silent Auction Items: Do you possess artistic abilities and/or interesting Caps- or general hockey-related stuff that’s collecting dust in your basement17? Donate them and we’ll auction them off and give all the dough to Fort Dupont.
Finally, if you don’t have ice skates of your own, take heart. You can rent them for $3 at Fort Dupont18.
There will be a lot more information coming soon, so stay tuned to RMNB and various social media outlets for updates and more cool stuff. In the meantime, leave feel free to leave your questions, helpful advice, concerns and snarky judgmentalism in the comments!
- So long as you don’t consider #RMNBWedding as an official RMNB Party. RMNBParty6 was clearly the greatest of all RMNB parties, and we’ve heard good things about the inaugural RMNB party as well. Parties 2-5, well, let’s not talk about those ones.
- Don’t blame us; the focus group loved it.
- 3779 Ely Place, Washington, DC, 20019. The rink is next door to the ridiculously nice-looking Washington Nationals Youth Baseball Academy facilities, and has a large parking lot that will accommodate plenty of cars. But still carpool if it’s feasible because that’s better for the environment.
- a.k.a you
- FDIA is located on the edge of the 376-acre Fort Dupont Park, a National Park Service park named after the earthwork fort on the property that was designed to defend DC from Confederate attack during the Civil War. The scrooges at NPS were going to close the ice rink in 1996, until the Friends of FDIA stepped in to purchase and save it.
- Including your boys Troy Brouwer and Joel Ward.
- FDIA can take your donations directly in the form of cash, check, Visa, Mastercard or Discover. Sorry, people who only have American Express.
- If you don’t know why we picked this amount, maybe you ought to not come at all, and also you’ll want to reevaluate your Caps fandom.
- Including the distinct possibility that one or both of the Brouwer Rangers leaves the ice on a stretcher.
- We would be remiss if we did not clarify that the first slow skate will be reserved for Panera girl, just in case she shows up. If you bring her, we’ll hook you up with a free t-shirt.
- It should be noted that Ranger Ryan, by continuing to adhere to a “visors up” lifestyle, remains in blatant and willful violation of Section 2.1.2 of the Brouwer Rangers Code of Conduct, which states, “A Brouwer Ranger’s visor must remain in the down or closed position at all times while the helmet is worn, except during periods of play while the Brouwer Ranger is in attendance at a professional or amateur ice hockey contest, or in limited instances where imminent danger (of heat stroke, dehydration, and/or miscommunication with members of the public) warrants a temporary lifting of the visor until such time as the imminent danger has passed.”
- The Brouwer Rangers visited FDIA recently, and can attest to its supreme coldness. It feels much colder than either Verizon Center or Kettler. In fact, it’s about 15 degrees on the ice in the summer (and even colder in the winter), so bundle up.
- We are not responsible for your disappointment if you read too much into this.
- Please, no gross baked goods.
- Safe bet that this one will be on there.
- Consider this footnote your warning not to ask Chris Gordon for his opinions on the Mountain Goats, unless you really like talking about the Mountain Goats, which to be fair you might because they are pretty good, just not as good as Chris seems to think.
- Attention Ashley Oland: now’s a good chance to thin the herd of Ian’s memorabilia collection.
- If you do have skates of your own, please bring them. FDIA’s inventory is finite, so the more people who bring their own gear, the more will be available for others to rent! #fancystats