It’s February 14. It’s not just some random day that the Hallmark corporation picked out of hat so they could sell greeting cards. It’s actually the Christian co-opting of a pagan festival all about horny werewolves and blood and copulation and cool stuff like that. Now, instead of lycanthropes and sex, you spend 30 dollars on roses that will wither tomorrow.
If you’re in a relationship, prepare to disappoint your significant other. If you’re not in a relationship, revel in your solitary despair.
(I’m single, by the way.)
Behind the jump is a lovely and full-sized picture by Rachel Cohen, featuring Dmitry Orlov, who scored last night and is handsome enough to probably do the same today. Also a video.
Way back when Ian first blackmailed me into writing about the Capitals everyday, it was easy. The Caps were on the way to their best ever season, a copious and capacious 121-point campaign that was chock-full of nutritious, whole-grain scoarmoargoals. My job was basically to regurgitate some boxcar stats, writing something defamatory about the other team, and think of escalatingly ridiculous metaphors for the Caps’ awesomesauce.
It was terrific, but that’s over now.
I’m not gonna get into it, but I think we can agree that Capitals are having trouble this season– even if we differ about the precise degree of that trouble. And while there are many varied and valid ways to express our disappointment with the team, my endeavor is to be as sober and honest about the Capitals’ struggles as I had been drunken and boastful about their victories. Is that bumming you out?
We just finished basking in the glow of our successes in the past year. Ahhhh… Yes, that was nice.
But now it’s over, and we must look ourselves in the mirror to see the billion things we have screwed up over the past year. We’ve got a huge collection of embarrassments and goof-ups that should have shamed us out of blogging altogether. But we’re shameless. You already knew that.
Grab a chair, pour a ginger ale, and put some soft jazz on the hifi. We’re about to take a leisurely ride through the world of RMNB 2011. Today we’ll be looking at the good stuff today, and the really awful stuff we’ll see on Friday.
Our humble little blog, Russian Machine Never Breaks, spent the last year cutting our teeth writing about the Washington Capitals. Through our labors we learned about the team’s secret weapon: the Hershey Bears. This Pennsylvanian cache of dynamic, young talent kept us entertained long after the Caps took their early curtain call at the playoffs. The Hershey Bears marched dutifully to their 11th Calder Cup championship led by guys like Andrew Gordon, a right winger with bright prospects whose only mistake in his young career was to blog with our lowly ilk.
The HBH-ers inspired us, and we decided they deserve more than a measly category on this site. So all of the Russian Machinists got together one night, drank a couple root beers, one thing led to another, and now we have a bouncing baby blog in the family.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present to you
Piloting the new site will be Kathryn Hedrick, intrepid reporter and author of Flashy Glove Save, and Kyle M., photographer with a sports-coverage pedigree. Together they will relay to you the promise and excitement of the Hershey Bears Hockey with the same gusto, pizazz, and thesaurus-ness you find here on RMNB proper.
To celebrate SHOE (oh dear, is that really the acronym?), we’re holding a little contest. Among those of you who network up with us and help spread the word on Friday, we’ll select the most enthusiastic to receive some free RMNB merch and the signed photo above. We’ll announce our winners before Hershey’s home opener on Saturday Night.
For the sake of laughs and posterity, here’s the full quote we supplied, unabridged and with a few more jokes:
All I’ve heard so far of the new NHL media policy is rumor. Until some enterprising PR guy leaks the thing, it’ll remain a straw man for bloggers like us to sneer at. From what I can tell, the policy codifies travelling teams’ ability to restrict access from new media folks.
I don’t think access to players – especially visiting teams – is what bloggers are good at or even interested in, so I doubt there will be much practical difference under this new policy. All the NHL has done, therefore, is antagonize and belittle bloggers for no apparent reason. We’re already a cantankerous and unstable breed of people, and although anarchic and headless, we generate a big chunk of buzz for National Hockey League.
Were I a decision-maker in Toronto, I’d begin a Blogger Appeasement Tour. It would start with granting unmitigated access to players in locker rooms and hotel rooms alike and end with perhaps some complimentary Knoll Life office chairs. Ahh, yes. That would be nice.
A year ago, you might have known Neil Greenberg only for his razor-sharp analysis on 5ive Hole, but the most controversial acquisition during the season last year might have been Neil’s signing with RMNB. Since then, he’s become the Examiner’s hockey photographer of record, the Washington Post’s hockey statistics nerd, and Samantha Casey’s new BFF.
We spent a bunch of pixels bragging about all the cool stuff we did in the last year. That’s cool, ’cause we really are proud. But we’re totally rank amateurs. False rumors, worse typing, and bad luck charms; that’s just us. We’ve surpassed our peers by a long stretch of internet miles when it comes to screwing up.
The giant gray thing at the top of the page Ian assures that one day we will put a feature widget for good posts there. I think he might just be waiting for us to write some.
Spelling names incorrectly
We’re supposed to be fans of this team, so we should probably start spelling their names right. I’ll go ahead and take the blame for this one. I’ve goofed up Matthieu Perrault, Michael Nuevirth, and both Morrrisssonnns. I did it in my very first post, and I’ll eventually get around to correcting it.
Varlamov will miss the Olympics In our defense, Lisa Hillary was trying to trick us. After re-injuring his groinular area, Lisa gave a pessimistic prognosis that we might have accidentally blown completely out of proportion. Real-live PR people and respectable writers had to bail us out.
Nick Backstrom to sign a huge contract… in February
Maybe we were just waaaaay ahead of everyone else. We found an article on a Swedish site that said Backy was this close to signing a massive deal. It was a few weeks later before someone bothered explaining fact-checking to us.
Neil Greenberg Just in general.
Peter shaves his beard, dooms the Caps Peter loved #beardpact. It was his baby, and he protected it. But he couldn’t look like a pirate at his buddy’s wedding, so he shaved. And the Caps lost three in a row. JINX!
The Joe Corvo Bandwagon
We trust Neil implicitly, and that’s a character flaw we will address soon. He said that Corvo was the missing link and a hands-down improvement on Pothier. Suckers we are.
Our logo scares children
Ian’s girlfriend reports that this t-shirt has driven her students to tears. That’s because it’s freaking terrifying. Contrast/compare with one of the most twisted films of all time:
Taunting the Hockey Gods We had a post actually titled We Got it Made, in which we document all the reasons why the Caps will beat the Canadiens in five games. Our reasons included secondary scoring and Jose Theodore. Ugg.
Justin Bieber in the Bears’ locker room
There’s a fine line between cute human-interest stories and oversharing. This post demarcates the two.
Various crimes against the English language Our relationship with the written word is abusive and codependent. The difference between resign and re-sign(post date: Yesterday) springs to mind. We’re language recidivists, well beyond any hope of rehabilitation.
After looking at all this, I can’t blame Mike Green for blocking us on Twitter. We’re a wandering band of fools and idiots, sauntering into town, breaking everything we touch and offending the locals. At this point, that you’re still reading this post speaks more to your failings than ours. You really should know better.
If you have any other screw-ups we should know about, use the comments to have your voice heard. Tomorrow, we’ll list our resolutions for next year. We promise to do better, people.
10. Semyon Varlamov Finally Rehabs Again With The Hershey Bears (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/02/07/semyon-varlamov-finally-rehabs-again-with-hershey-bears/)
Ian told us of Varly’s kinda triumphant return to pro hockey in early February, and everyone kinda flipped out. Partially because the Future of the Franchise was finally on the mend and partially because his helmet has a bazillion eagles on it.
9. Could The Kovalchuk Signing Mean The End For Semin In DC? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/19/could-the-kovalchuk-signing-mean-the-end-for-semin-in-dc/)
Just last week, Neil peered into a crystal ball with one eye and Ilya Kovalchuk’s ridiculous contract with the other. Through the fog he saw the boyish grin of Alex Semin, whose one-year extension looms over the coming season like… well, a fog.
8. Ovechkin, Semin and Varlamov End Year With Devastating Loss In World Championships Gold Medal Game To Czech Republic (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/05/23/ovechkin-semin-and-varlamov-end-year-with-devastating-loss-in-world-championships-gold-medal-game-to-czech-republic/)
The Caps parade of misery finally reached its completion with Team Russia’s disappointing silver finish at world championships. And we, like rubberneckers, can’t help but stare at the disappointment on the faces of Alex and Alex.
7. Russian Lessons Part I: Learn To Say Ovechkin Correctly (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/02/08/russian-lessons-part-i-learn-to-say-ovechkin-correctly/)
Fedor endeared himself to us with this crash course in Russian. Now I can’t have a conversation with Ian without him hooting “ah-BOOCH-kin”.
6. Rejoice! Samantha Casey, Miss Virginia USA, is a Big Caps Fan.
Holtby is now Hershey’s number-one netminder, and he’s one wacky dude. Let’s keep him and his Holtbyisms in the Caps organization for a long time to come.
4. Alex Semin Smokes, Russia Loses Its Dang Mind (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/05/13/alex-semin-smokes-russia-loses-its-dang-mind/)
Fedor and I had a bear of a time getting to the bottom of this one, partially because it’s a non-story. Alex Semin can skate figure eights around me, so if he wants to have a pack a month, that’s cool by me.
3. Caps vs. Pens: The Fix Is In? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/04/06/caps-vs-pens-the-fix-is-in/)
Addison did a terrific job revealing that officials put the whistle away for the Penguins when they play the Caps. It’s math, people. Deal with it.
2. The Latest Updates From Ilya Kovalchuk’s Facebook News Feed (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/21/the-latest-updates-from-ilya-kovalchuks-facebook-news-feed/)
1. Habs Fans Boo National Anthem. How Will Caps Fans Respond? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/04/19/habs-fans-boo-national-anthem-how-will-caps-fans-respond/)
Yay! One that I wrote! The gist is this: Caps fans rule, and everyone else sucks.
Buckle up, friends; we’re taking a victory lap.
Over the last year (technically more like 9 months), we’ve had some terrific highlights. Yes, the grim shadow of the playoffs still hangs over the year, but we choose to remember the good times. Our finest moments are usually our team’s finest moments as well, and so our recollection includes the high points of both the team and our silly blog.
At latest count, our Facebook page has 1,047 likers (including my mom). The parade of typos we call our Twitter account has 1,493 followers. The website itself is north of 300,000 hits, which is kind of dumbfounding if you think about it too long. Our teammates Neil and Fedor have parlayed their skills into gigs with VOA and Washington Examiner respectively. Even Peter has managed to hustle free pub fries from The Greene Turtle using the blog.
If we had to pick a single highlight for the year, it would have to be Andrew Gordon’s residency during the Calder Cup Finals. When Ian blackmailed convinced Andrew to pitch in, we didn’t know quite what to expect. Once Andrew turned in his first column, we figured out that his writing chops are just as formidable as his hockey skills. Andrew provided an unprecedented look not only behind the scenes, but also into the heart, of professional hockey. We are eternally grateful to Andrew for both his candor and the oodles of traffic he delivered.