Early this morning, a man with twinkling eyes, merry dimples, a cherry-colored nose, and a beard as white as snow slinked down local area chimneys, surrounded people’s Christmas trees with a satchel full of gifts, and ate almost the entire country out of its milk and cookies. This person is being referred to as “Jolly Old Saint Nick.” If you have any information on this audacious, magical, and kind man, please reach out to the Montgomery County Police as he’s considered wanted.
But right before you do that, we’d love to know what gifts this Kris Kringle character left under your tree – especially the Caps-related items!
Justin and Kate looking good in the new toques.
Last night, the Washington Capitals and Chicago Blackhawks wore Winter Classic toques promoting their outdoor match-up on January 1st. The winter hats were dead sexy, so naturally everyone wanted to buy one. Unfortunately, they were not sold anywhere.
Or so we thought. During the first period, RMNB reader @Maggles330 tipped us off that they were at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I left during intermission and found a whole rack of them at the Frederick store. Many of you had success this morning at your local Dick’s Sporting Goods around the area.
Today there’s been a lot of movement from other official Winter Classic retailers. Let’s run down the list of where you can get them now.
Ian Oland, age 17.
A lot of people hate RMNB right now, and I don’t blame you one bit. I’m stupid, we’re all unprofessional, and our opinions are nerdy and statistical. So how about we stop talking about free agency for a minute and concentrate on something that’s actually important: getting Olie Kolzig 10,000 followers on Twitter.
— OlieKolzig (@OlieKolzig37) June 29, 2014
Last week, Kolzig logged into to the social media site for the first time in two years to promote his new Instagram account and his new website. And early returns indicate that he is a huuuuuuuuuuge fan of hashtags now.
It’s going to be a long, wet, hot, hockeyless summer. The way we see it, you have two choices:
The latter seems preferable from a mental health perspective, and we’re here to help! In partnership with the fine folks at RMNB, we’re proud to present the First Annual Brouwer Pouwer Generic-Photograph-Manipulation-Software Skills Contest™.
In our first segment on CRL– let’s not mince words– I got my butt kicked by Tom Wilson in a game of NHL14. The stakes went like this: if I lost, Willy Baby would be the face of RMNB for a week, and if I won, Wilson had to sign something for me to give to you guys.
We all remember last summer’s extinction-level crisis known as Fat-Gate, but if we think back hard enough, there were some good moments too. Like the time when Alex Ovechkin signed on to be the new spokesman for Cadbury’s Mr. Big Bar.
In a series of wacky commercials, the Russian machine demystified the legend that is Alexander Mikhaylovich Ovechkin and showed us all how to “Be big deal like me!” As part of a contest, Ovechkin made the impossible possible and suffered through a dinner with common folk. Aw, look how happy those two are.
Good news, you guys. Mr. Big Bar announced Thursday on their Facebook page that the contest lives on. This year, one lucky winner will have a chance to meet The Great Eight in one of these four cities: New York City, Washington DC, Los Angeles, and Chicago. All you need to do to enter is like Mr. Big’s fan page (like ours too while you’re at it) and then enter the UPC of a Mr. Big Bar here. The contest page looks like this:
Ovi after he got pie’d in the face last year on his birthday. (Photo credit: Chris Gordon)
Fellow RMNB’ers, mark your calendars! In exactly one week, Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin will turn 27 years-old.
To celebrate the occasion, we’d like to continue a tradition we started a few years ago wherein you, our faithful and slightly demented readers, make homemade birthday cards for the Russian machine himself.
Update: Congratulations to Alan Campbell who correctly guessed “No trades.” Thanks to everyone who participated. That was fun, minus the whole nobody getting traded to our team part.
Original Post: With the trade deadline rapidly approaching, we wanted to once again try to put a little fun into the most stressful day of the hockey year. Here’s the deal. You guess the time (without going over) on when the Caps make their first trade of the day on our Facebook Fan Page (i.e. 11:22 AM) and if you are the first person to get the time right or are the closest without going over, you win this signed Mike Knuble “Be A Player” Rookie Card, a game-used Mike Green jersey card, and a game-used Alex Semin jersey card (pictured to the right).
You have until either 10 AM EST to submit your picks, or when GMGM makes his first move, whichever comes first.
Fine print: You must like our Facebook Fan Page and follow us on Twitter (@RussianMachine) to win. There will be only one – I repeat – one winner. If you pick the same time as someone else, the person who guessed the time earlier will win. You may pick “none” (as in “no trades”), but you must be the first person to guess it to win. Also, keep in mind that the trade deadline is Monday at 3pm, and many trades will be reported after that time as they come in. Finally, we will use the first media member to tweet the deal as the official trade announcement time.
We issued a challenge, oh faithful users of the Russian Machine, to create Caps-themed Christmas cards. The only rule: use an inferior graphics program or blingee.com to make it.
What we avoided telling you — just like my parents who took 14 years to come clean to me about the whole Santa thing (he IS real) — was that we didn’t have to follow the same rules. Above, is our holiday card by RMNB’s house illustrator, Rachel Cohen.
Meanwhile, you guys rocked this assignment harder than a Dmitry Orlov hip check. Though, to be honest, some of these submissions might land you on Santa’s naughty list once I post this. I apologize beforehand. Cruise on past the jump to check out the gallery and see what I mean.
We’re a hopelessly gimmicky blog. There are certain standards to which we hold ourselves:
So with eight-pound, six-ounce baby Jesus’s birthday only six days away, we need your Capitals-themed Christmas cards and quick! We prefer that you create your cards using a primitive graphics program like MS Paint, Adobe Photoshop 3.0, or gluing macaroni on construction paper. We want cards for all religions. After all, Jeff Halpern and the Puck Buddys are Jewish, and Jason Chimera (11 G, 6 A) obviously has a deal with the devil.
Mail your submission to firstname.lastname@example.org by 5pm on Friday. We’d prefer if they’re jpegs. And for those of you who are too scared to submit, take solace in the fact that we’ll pretty much post anything. Weird youtubes of your kids dancing, pictures of an Ovechtree. Ornaments. Seriously, anything. Well, as long as it’s not super crude.
Get crackin’. We can’t wait to see what you guys come up with this year!
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
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