We all remember last summer’s extinction-level crisis known as Fat-Gate, but if we think back hard enough, there were some good moments too. Like the time when Alex Ovechkin signed on to be the new spokesman for Cadbury’s Mr. Big Bar.

In a series of wacky commercials, the Russian machine demystified the legend that is Alexander Mikhaylovich Ovechkin and showed us all how to “Be big deal like me!” As part of a contest, Ovechkin made the impossible possible and suffered through a dinner with common folk. Aw, look how happy those two are.

Good news, you guys. Mr. Big Bar announced Thursday on their Facebook page that the contest lives on. This year, one lucky winner will have a chance to meet The Great Eight in one of these four cities: New York City, Washington DC, Los Angeles, and Chicago. All you need to do to enter is like Mr. Big’s fan page (like ours too while you’re at it) and then enter the UPC of a Mr. Big Bar here. The contest page looks like this:

Hmm, who does that outfit remind me of…

(Go to the 30-second mark.) Oh, right.

Mr. Big Bars are still only sold in Canada. Still, everybody contact your one Canadian friend on Twitter and offer them your life savings for a giant box of Mr. Big Bars.

Sure, we’re in a recession and the dollar is weak and you could probably meet Ovechkin at Kettler as soon as the lockout ends, but dinner with the guy? That would be great. I bet he probably says awesome things like this.

Ovi after he got pie’d in the face last year on his birthday. (Photo credit: Chris Gordon)

Fellow RMNB’ers, mark your calendars! In exactly one week, Washington Capitals captain Alex Ovechkin will turn 27 years-old.

To celebrate the occasion, we’d like to continue a tradition we started a few years ago wherein you, our faithful and slightly demented readers, make homemade birthday cards for the Russian machine himself.

The guidelines are pretty simple: using Microsoft Paint or any other primitive graphic program (Photoshop isn’t cheating, but it’s frowned upon), make a birthday card for Ovechkin. Here are some past examples. You can even draw him a pretty picture, glue on some macaroni elbows, or write him a poem. Consider including the following topics when composing your card: a) Alex will be spending his birthday in Russia this year; b) Alex Ovechkin is the ee cummings of Twitter; c) nachos; d) Alex Ovechkin’s biggest accomplishment over the summer was watching tennis; e) think of the best possible places for Alex to make party. If possible, please also demonstrate that you are an intelligent and cultured person whose work might be posted on a website that has child readers.

Once you think you’re done, send your submissions, either by attachment or in a link, to thecrew@russianmachineneverbreaks.com. Use the subject line “Ovi’s Birthday Card”. Please, if at all possible, save out your images as a jpg, gif, or png, and keep the size under 100kb.

We will accept submissions only up until noon on Sunday. That night, I will then put all of your cards into a post and then try to think of something funny to say under each. On Monday, we will share the submissions with the world (and Ovi) and present our own card. We’re also going to try something new and hold a vote on our Facebook Fanpage (which you should already be following) to see which card you think is the best. If there are any entries that go above and beyond, we will award a yet-to-be-determined prize.

So there you go. Go to work. You’ve got a week advanced notice. Make us proud!

These could be yours!

Update: Congratulations to Alan Campbell who correctly guessed “No trades.” Thanks to everyone who participated. That was fun, minus the whole nobody getting traded to our team part.

Original Post: With the trade deadline rapidly approaching, we wanted to once again try to put a little fun into the most stressful day of the hockey year. Here’s the deal. You guess the time (without going over) on when the Caps make their first trade of the day on our Facebook Fan Page (i.e. 11:22 AM) and if you are the first person to get the time right or are the closest without going over, you win this signed Mike Knuble “Be A Player” Rookie Card, a game-used Mike Green jersey card, and a game-used Alex Semin jersey card (pictured to the right).

You have until either 10 AM EST to submit your picks, or when GMGM makes his first move, whichever comes first.

Fine print: You must like our Facebook Fan Page and follow us on Twitter (@RussianMachine) to win. There will be only one – I repeat – one winner. If you pick the same time as someone else, the person who guessed the time earlier will win. You may pick “none” (as in “no trades”), but you must be the first person to guess it to win. Also, keep in mind that the trade deadline is Monday at 3pm, and many trades will be reported after that time as they come in. Finally, we will use the first media member to tweet the deal as the official trade announcement time.

We issued a challenge, oh faithful users of the Russian Machine, to create Caps-themed Christmas cards. The only rule: use an inferior graphics program or blingee.com to make it.

What we avoided telling you — just like my parents who took 14 years to come clean to me about the whole Santa thing (he IS real) — was that we didn’t have to follow the same rules. Above, is our holiday card by RMNB’s house illustrator, Rachel Cohen.

Meanwhile, you guys rocked this assignment harder than a Dmitry Orlov hip check. Though, to be honest, some of these submissions might land you on Santa’s naughty list once I post this. I apologize beforehand. Cruise on past the jump to check out the gallery and see what I mean.

First, the mega-talented Josh Wilcox (a must-follow on Twitter @thatwilcoxguy) shows us that while adults might find Ovi’s gap-toothed smile endearing, babies are terrified by it.

Stephanie Carosa’s (@carrotbazooka on Twitter) card tells that the Caps’ Swedes celebrate Christmas too. In a weird, Charles Schultz-y way. And with an easy-to-build tree from IKEA designed by European artist SINTERKLAAS.

Brendan Sheridan (@MD_DC on Twitter) shows us who’s really running things in DC. Click on it to take a closer look. The players look SO conniving!

The @KnublesKnights Xmas “card” is a crystal-clear sign of mental illness.

Beyond this card being cute and well done, I also must applaud Kathryn Tighe for making Karl Alzner the Santa here. While he’s neither the captain or a leading scorer, he can grow the best beard. It just makes sense for him to be Saint Nick. Also, while we’re talking about it, please like our Facebook fan page dedicated to Alzner’s beard.

Michele Hopper shows off her entire family of Caps fans. I want to high-five you all.

Shockingly, HolidayBlues.tumblr.com was the only person to send us a JibJab video this year. Though this one is particularly funny with Ovi’s face the way it is. Check it out to see what I mean!

Via Molly Yanchulis, we have Ovechkin in the manger scene! I can only imagine, his first words to baby Jesus were “ahaha best))))))”

After fat-gate over the summer (and really, in hindsight, how freaking stupid was that?), Miranda Kerr jokingly believes that Ovi would rather have the McDonalds’ buffet than lead the NHL in goals.

@Hockey_Fan_10 wants to wish us all a Merry Capsmas.

Let’s all thank @Caps_Girl for giving Mike Green and Ovechkin such seductive poses here.

RMNB readers Brooks L. and Joel W. would like to wish you guys a Merry Christmas. Though it takes them forever to spit it out.

RMNB reader Elizabeth Seuss re-writes the 12 Days of Christmas for Caps fans.

Eve R. gives more free advertisement on our site for Rosetta Stone. Remember guys, Ted Leonsis isn’t just an owner, he’s a customer too!

Who needs Robin when you can have Brooks Laich? Nice job, Richard Skelton!

This may not be Caps or Christmas related, but Don Cherry’s piano desk cracks me up. Thanks for sending it over, @skylarmoonbeam!

All Kellie S. wants for Christmas is Braden Holtby to be the starting goaltender.

Finally, my personal gift to you guys, which I’ve re-gifted from Jack Anderson: The 12 Days of Jeanneret. For those of you who don’t know, Rick Jeanneret is the play-by-play guy for the Sabres. Beyond Joe B and Mike Emrick, there’s no better announcer in the NHL. A few years ago, XM Radio posted this song to celebrate some of his more brilliant and uh… eccentric calls during his career. RIGHT WHERE MOMMA HIDES THE COOKIES. With the Capitals playing Buffalo on Monday, it seemed apropos. Enjoy!

One more? Okay! Why not? Let’s close with one last card from our uber-talented illustrator Rachel Cohen.

Welp, Merry Christmas, you guys! Let us know which cards you like most in the comments below. And have a safe and wonderful holiday.

We’re a hopelessly gimmicky blog. There are certain standards to which we hold ourselves:

1. If the Capitals are losing and we have no idea what to write about, it’s okay to post an article which consists only of baby animal videos.
2. When any member of the Capitals organization is spotted with someone on Jersey Shore, we must write about it.
3. During any holiday, we must solicit artwork from our readers because a) you guys do more creative stuff than we can, and b) we are desperate for non-Kuznetsov content.

So with eight-pound, six-ounce baby Jesus’s birthday only six days away, we need your Capitals-themed Christmas cards and quick! We prefer that you create your cards using a primitive graphics program like MS Paint, Adobe Photoshop 3.0, or gluing macaroni on construction paper. We want cards for all religions. After all, Jeff Halpern and the Puck Buddys are Jewish, and Jason Chimera  (11 G, 6 A) obviously has a deal with the devil.

Mail your submission to thecrew@russianmachineneverbreaks.com by 5pm on Friday. We’d prefer if they’re jpegs. And for those of you who are too scared to submit, take solace in the fact that we’ll pretty much post anything. Weird youtubes of your kids dancing, pictures of an Ovechtree. Ornaments. Seriously, anything. Well, as long as it’s not super crude.

Get crackin’. We can’t wait to see what you guys come up with this year!

American Pest is also a Washington Capitals sponsor, and they’re running  a contest whereby you can win tickets to the Capitals-Penguins game on December 1st. The contest, in all its byzantine logic, is described below:

I know; that confused me too. Let’s review:

1. Like American Pest on Facebook.
2. Share their post.
3. Win tickets.

There are going to be many chances to win all season long, so keep your eye on your feed. Also, don’t leave Jello shots out near an open window– even if it’s the playoffs and Jason Chimera just scored the OTGWG and you feel compelled to go out and celebrate. Cause it seriously looked like an Occupy Wall Street tent camp with ants instead of people. You know, hypothetically.

Like American Pest on Facebook.

Sheepvechkin! (Illustration by Rachel Cohen)

Today is Halloween, which for me means less than one month until my birthday! Yay! Oh wait — I mean, dressing up, eating candy, and looking like a tool. To celebrate the holiday right, we figured we’d do a Halloween-themed post.

I’ll be honest: when I heard Chris Gordon‘s demand to solicit Caps-themed jack-o-lanterns, I thought we’d get maybe four images and this post would be a total disaster. Three days and 50 emails later, holy lord did you guys come through in a BIG way. (I guess that’s why he contributes to the New York Times, and I don’t.)

We’ve got Caps logos, we’ve got Ovi heads, and we’ve got 10 million Weagle-carved pumpkins. Follow me past the jump to check out the gallery.

Oh yeah. Homeowners, please remember: the more Mr. Big bars you give out to the kids tonight, the more goals Ovechkin will score on Tuesday. So don’t be stingy. And kids, show no restraint in eating your candy when you get home. Sugar is good for you, no matter what your parents say. Eat it all in one night. Dive into those Kit-Kats and Milky Ways like Alex Ovechkin dives into the boards after scoaring. Type II diabetes be damned.

The Creatively Carved Pumpkins

Justine K.’s Mike Green Painted and Carved Pumpkin

Katie W.’s Caps Pumpkins

Katie’s explanation of her submission cracked me up: “Go Caps!! … and Freddie Mercury. Freddie loves the Caps too.” Sure. Why not?

Chris Gardner’s RMNB-inspired Pumpkins

That last design is by @nazarcruce. Awesome!

Caps Painted Pumpkins by Josie G. (@jgoggs23)

Here’s Josie’s explanation on why she didn’t actually carve anything. “I only had a chance to paint… I KNOW it is nothing like that really cool RMNBesque jack o lantern of Ovi’s face, but I tried!” It’s like the hard hat the Caps give out after every game. Totally works!

Libby D.’s Caps-Carved Pumpkins Featuring a Special Guest

Creative and awesome because… Look at the cat! Also she totally sucked up in her email: “First off, let me just say that you are hands-down my favorite Caps blog. That’s not just ego-stroking so you’ll view my pumpkins more favorably (okay fine, maybe 80/20), I really enjoy reading your stuff – always so entertaining! The picture even includes a seasonally-appropriate orange kitty.” Thanks, Libby.

Chris C.’s Stanley Cup Pumpkin

To everyone in Chris’s neighborhood, please make sure to stay at least an arm’s length away from this thing!

Joey W. Gives Us Caveman Backstrom

The Ovechkin-Inspired Pumpkins

Linnea W.’s Angry Ovi Face

I literally almost fell out of my chair when I first saw this. Incredible work, Linnea!

Daniel C.’s beautiful Ovi Head

So good, I thought this was photoshopped at first.

Alli K.’s Tribute to our Website Header

In my heart of hearts, this is the grand-prize winner if we were to call this a contest. Which we’re totally not. But man, look at that detail. Thanks, Alli!

Jenna M.’s Half-Cut off Ovi Head

so sick hahaha))))

Justine K.’s Great 8 Pumpkin

The Caps Logo Pumpkins

Via Julie R. (@H8Crosby)

Via Morgan C.

Via Jamie N.

Via Cecilia V.

Via LuAyne B.

Via an Anonymous reader

Weagles, Weagles, and MORE Weagles

Behold! Neil Greenberg‘s first ever carved pumpkin.

We also assume Nicci U. had the primary assist here. Great job, guys.

Via Vivian F.

We loved the note she sent us: “Hey guys! Love the blog. I’m a student at McGill University – smack dab in the middle of Habs (ew) territory. Carved this one and set it right outside of my residence for all of Montreal to see. Let’s go Caps!” Awesome.

Via Wendi O.

Via Monte F.

Great photo!

Via Jackie Q.

Jackie tells us that she carved this with her girls. Great jorb.

Via Elana L.

Via Amsi H.

Amsi told us in her email, “I’m not too happy with it, but it’s my first pumpkin carving ever.” This is way better than anything I’ve carved in ten-plus years of trying. And I’m technically an artist. Great job!

Via Chad S.

Via Rebecca S.

Via Cecilia V.

Via Joshua G.

The Capitol dome’s a nice touch!

Via Laura S.

Haha. It looks like the pumpkin has newspaper shoes! I’m immature. Thanks, Laura. Ignore me.

Via Emily J.

Via Michelle P.

Via Allison C.

Via Scott M.

Via Scott W.

Via Brad P. (@StopTheHats)

Via Brendon D.

Via an Anonymous reader

And we can’t forget Hershey. Here’s SHOE‘s own Brian Mills and his Bears-0-lantern.

Which ones did you like the best? Let us know in the comments, and thanks to everyone who shared your pumpkins.

It’s that time of year. Hockey is back in full-swing, the leaves are falling, and the Columbus Blue Jackets have been eliminated from playoff contention. (Only took nine games this time.)

With Halloween just a few days away, we have a challenge for you. After some nudging from our close friends (nudging, nagging, whatever), we’re asking you to send in photos of your Caps-themed (or just hockey-themed) jack-o-lanterns.

“Ian, what if I’ve already carved my pumpkin of Ovechkin barfing seeds and shared it on Facebook?” That’s cool; whatevs. Just right-click on that image, do a Save As…, and then shoot us an email so we can show everybody else. Haven’t carved a pumpkin yet? DO IT NOW! You’re running out of time!

If any submissions are amazing (we’ll know it when we see it), we’ll send you a prize. But we’re not calling this a contest because we do that all the time and it’s starting to look desperate. “Come hang out with RMNB; we’ll bribe you!”

Send your photos to thecrew@russianmachineneverbreaks.com by 12pm on the 31st — which just happens to be Halloween. We’ll have a post up that night. Looking forward to seeing what you guys can come up with!

Chris Gordon also contributed to this post. I just added the dumb jokes.

Rachel Cohen’s new “Run, run, run Caps” illustration

We love our readers. So much so that whenever we get together, we always try to think of ways to show our appreciation for y’all.

This year we’re going to try something new. Today, I’m here to announce our new “Pick Em’” Contest.

Each day *around* 2pm on Game Day, we’ll post on our Facebook Fan Page (facebook.com/russianmachineneverbreaks), asking you for two really simple things:

• What will the final score of the Caps game be?
• Who will score the Game-Winning Goal? (It’s okay if you pick Ovechkin every time.)

An example of a submission would be: 3-2 Caps, GWG Alex Semin. Or maybe 17-4 Caps, GWG Tomas Voukoun.

That’s it. Takes maybe 30 seconds. The only catch? You’ll have to “LIKE” our Facebook Fan Page to participate.

You have until puck drop to make your guess. The first person in the timeline to guess correctly will win an awesome prize that we’ll announce that day. We’ll be giving away shirts, game-used jersey cards, signed and authenticated Caps cards, a Mike Green-signed jersey, Front Page Gift Certificates, and more.

If somehow no one wins anything after 10 games, we’ll introduce our next prize and add it to what’s already been made available. Cool with you?

Let’s do this. For Opening Night, up for grabs is $8.88 in cash, an authentic Alex Ovechkin game-used jersey card (seen below), and an Ovechtrick t-shirt.

Make your picks after clicking here.

We set out a task, faithful users of the Russian Machine, to create birthday cards worthy of our gut-less (wait, did that sound bad?) leader. The only rules: use an inferior graphics program to make it.

What we avoided telling you again this year was that we didn’t have to follow the same rules. Above, is our Penguin-Pinata card for Ovi via RMNB illustrator, Rachel Cohen.

Meanwhile, you guys rocked this assignment harder than a Bruce Boudreau fitness test. Unfortunately, only one of you could win our grand prize: a RMNB t-shirt and a Mr. Big Bar. Cruise on past the jump to check out the gallery.

First, we start with the people who didn’t follow directions.

First, Alice A. sends us “The Ovi Dance,” as performed by Phillip — whom we’re going to assume is her kid (no clarification in the email). The editing: profound and superb. How about this? Alice, send us your address and we’ll mail your son over a Mr. Big Bar. Well, just as long as you promise to take video of  him dancing after he eats it.

Jenna M. tweeted us a cake. For what this lacks in pretty pictures it makes up for in high fructose corn syrup!

To the actual cards! Reader Justine K. flipped the script on a “In Soviet Russia” joke. The illustration of Ovechkin: tremendous. The cutting out of the illustration: not so much.

Not sure why Alex Semin and Bon Jovi have jetpacks here, but it sure makes me laugh. Via the demented mind of Brendan S!

Reader Sarah pokes a little fun at Ovi’s ways of communicating online.

Lisa A. too!

Someone tell Alex N. that you need to keep the cup at least an arms length away from your favorite team’s superstars or you’ll jinx them to hell like we did in the playoffs.

Reader Hosannah, confounded like everyone else by Ovi’s pants on pants combination, let’s Ovi know we still love him.

Via holidayblues.tumblr.com, here’s Ovi’s detached head in a box. Weird. My favorite part of this graphic is the dots around the text. Really gives it a professional look.

Here’s another one from our buddy, Alex N., who took out the colored pencils for this masterpiece!

We hope all your wishes come true too, Ovi (but don’t eat too much pizza)! Via Reader Miranda K.

Sasha O. sent us this card via twi… Hey, wait a minute. How did this get in here?

Also via Reader Miranda K.

LuAyne B. helps Snoop Dogg pass along his well wishes! Fantastic.

When I first saw this card, I couldn’t stop laughing. Who knew Ovi looked so much like Chewy when he put on that hat and burka in Dagestan. Great work, Brendan S.!

Defending birthday card champion Stephanie C. makes it rain nachos.

Just like Anastasia and her grandmother were united “Together in Paris” in the film, we hope on the year of his 26th brirthday that Ovie and Lord Stanley can find themselves united “Together in Washington.” Congrats, Rachel C. You’re our grand prize winner. Shoot us an email!