canada

Photo: RIA Novosti

Canada shut out Sweden 3-0 to win gold in the last Olympic hockey tournament I will ever watch.

Three players who had been without a goal, Toews, Crosby, and Chris Kunitz, each scored in the effort.

Carey Price kept the Swedes without a goal, extending his shutout streak to 164 minutes.

Nick Backstrom did not play. Originally, reports stated Backstrom was suffering from a migraine. Now, an NHLPA source says Backstrom was disqualified for using a banned substance– possibly an allergy medicine containing pseudoephedrine.

So, not a great day for much of our readership.

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usa-fin

Photo: RIA Novosti

Defeated. Deflated. Enervated. Team USA went down in flames against a flashy Finnish team, losing the bronze medal in stunning fashion. 5-0.

Patrick Kane missed two penalty shots. The American penalty kill sucked. Jonathan Quick let five pucks past him. Tuukka Rask was exemplary with a light workload.

No medal for America. Everything sucks and so do you. Let’s talk about it.

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carly

Damn. I don’t even want to write this.

Two Caps players will vie for gold on Sunday, but they won’t be Americans.

Marcus Johansson and Nick Backstrom won with Team Sweden to make the finals. Canada vs USA was David vs Goliath except Goliath won, and don’t even come at me with that Malcolm Gladwell craptrap.

This sucks.

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KSTZ2Hc

From /r/hockey

Unlike this morning, Wednesday afternoon’s games went as planned. Well, almost. There was that whole thing where Latvia, led by inhuman goaltender Kristers Gudlevskis, scared the living hell out of Canadian Hockey Twitter for 55 minutes of rego hockey. But the US put away the Czechs with a strong, evenly distributed scoring effort, and that was pretty cool.

The wins by America and America’s stupid hat set up a rematch of the 2010 Vancouver finals for Friday at noon. It’s going to be absolutely unbearable; I need you to start rationing your anti-anxiety drugs now.

But first: let’s delve into the recap.

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bruce

Photo: Bruce Bennett

Wuh oh.

Oh man.

This is gonna be bad.

Russia got knocked out.

Related: Team Russia Knocked Out: Reactions and Sad Photos

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Ovi-AP

Photo: AP

And down they drop! Tuesday was the first day of elimination in the Olympic mens tournament, meaning lots of high stakes and desperate players. More importantly, the recaps will be easier from here on out because there will be fewer games. Maybe that’s not more important for you, but it is for me.

Peace out, Austria. Adios, Norway. Keep it real, Slovakia. YOLO, Switzerland.

Let’s do the recap.

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ovi-duck-lips

Ovi does duck lips like an Instagram selfie. #girlsweekend #seacrets  #lovemylittle (Photo: RIA Novosti)

No stupid stat snapshot today, so all you nerds can go play D&D.

Sunday’s hockey schedule didn’t stand a chance of matching yesterday’s operatic levels of excitement. The USA’s Phil-acrity was too much for an inspiring and inspired Slovenian crew. Russia squeaked a win out of a really deflated effort against Slovakia. The Finns nearly exsanguinated the Canadian offense, but couldn’t get the win. And I didn’t even know Austria and Norway were playing.

With these games in the books, we now look towards the next round. Prepare for seedings, brackets, elimination games, and the pressure getting amped up to UNHEALTHY.

But first, let’s do the recap.

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Olympic Hockey, Day Four: Oshie Owns Sochi

oshie2

Russia and America collided and our site didn’t self-destruct. Yay!

Saturday in Sochi was an upset festival, but all anyone is gonna talk about is how T.J. Oshie became a superstar in the States’ shootout win over Russia. In today’s recap, I’m gonna pretend to care about everything else that happened, but you’ll know my heart just isn’t in it. T.J. Oshie rules!

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Erat scoar

There is a tiny anteater in the back of this photo. (Photo: Getty)

Happy Friday! Hope you were able to dig out of the miserable, snow-flanked hut you spent all day Thursday in.

The mens Olympic tournament fielded four games today, starting at 3 am. The favored team won in each of the four games, though some teams struggled (Sweden) and others had to hold back in the third period to avoid looking unsportsmanlike (Canada).

Plus, while you were getting some delta-wave sleep, Martin Erat scored on a net that actually had a guy guarding it. That’s novel.

Join me, won’t you, in the recap?

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Olympic Hockey, Day Two: USA FTW

Carly et al

Photo: AP

Neither Martin Erat nor Nick Backstrom scored in the first day of the mens tournament, so Caps Olympians haven’t got a whole lot of highlight-reel time so far. That changed real early on Thursday as Alex Ovechkin scored on his very first shift and John Carlson started off a scoring explosion for Aaaaaaaaaaamerica.

Unless your loyalties lie with Milan Jurcina and the Slovenians, Caps fans probably enjoyed Thursday’s hockey. I didn’t exactly relish my five-screen experience (USA on the TV, RUS on the laptop, notes on the other laptop, social on the iPad, Flappy Bird on the iPhone), I think I’ve gotta call it a successful morning as well. Shaybu, y’all.

Let’s do the recap.

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