The New Hockey Emoji Kind Of Sucks

hockey-emoji

For years, hockey fans have been begging for a hockey emoji. And on Wednesday, we finally got our wish. Unicode Consortium released a version of Unicode 8.0, which includes 37 new icons. The taco, burrito, cheese, and unicorn are awesome.

The hockey emoji – how can I put this delicately – kind of sucks.

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derek-ryan

Photo: Linnea Nyangen / Orebro Hockey

The Denver Post’s Mike Chambers reported yesterday that the Caps are believed to be in the mix for Derek Ryan, a 28-year-old American center who led the Swedish Hockey League in scoring last year, following a report by Elliotte Friedman about NHL clubs’ interest in Ryan in early May.

The Avalanche are the likely frontrunners for Ryan’s services and the Leafs are another team reported to be looking at the Spokane-born forward.

Like Chambers, I do not think Ryan will make the NHL out of the training camp, and whoever gets him can’t pencil him in as an NHL player. In fact, I think it’s quite unlikely that he’ll ever become a full-time NHL player. But even if he doesn’t, there are other benefits from signing him.

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p-v-i

It all comes down to this. The Stanley Cup Final begin tonight between the Blackhawks and Lightning. Meanwhile, your humble RMNB founders are locked in mortal combat with a 5.7-gram disc of copper and nickel. It’s time for our final predictions. And then you get to tell us where we’re wrong.

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p-v-i

The Caps are out, but the drama continues.

Here’s how we did last round:

  1. Peter: 3 for 4
  2. Keith, a Coin: 2 for 4
  3. Ian: 4 for 4 oh bravo you special little snowflake you picked against the Caps aren’t you so clever hold on let me put an applause gif in here

Now for the Conference Finals.

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Sixty Minutes of Hockey

alex-ovechkin-60-mins

Photo: Bruce Bennett

No one knows the agony of games seven like fans of the Washington Capitals. The Caps, we’ve been told, are a team uniquely terrible at playing Big Games, which are bigger than small games, which don’t even get uppercase letters. Washington, led– perhaps only nominally– by Alex Ovechkin, are choking dogs. Or maybe they’re cursed. Basically, they’re cursed, choking dogs who are also lazy and don’t care about team accomplishments and they’re probably all going to go to Russia soon anyw—

Shut. Up.

The past is not always prologue. Sometimes the past is just trivia. Maybe it’s just painful trivia that provides writers a convenient angle from which to cover hockey, but it’s still trivia.

Tonight is game seven, gay sev to us in the know. It’s not the culmination of a franchise or some grand denouement for a city that needs a winner. It’s just an hour of hockey with one winner and one loser, an hour of hockey to determine if this is the end or not. That’s all.

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I Guarantee That This Does Not Matter

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There I was, getting Chipotle and listening to Bullseye, when I get the notification above. Apparently, Alex Ovechkin has guaranteed a win in game seven, and Barry Trotz loves it.

The second part is true. The first part is not.

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OvechkinGoal

Photo credit: Bruce Bennett

Alex Ovechkin has never made it past the second round of the playoffs. It’s a trite fact, but unavoidable. He’s been in the NHL since 2005, with his window as a primary goal-scorer closing. In 10 years, he has yet to win a Stanley Cup. Some core players around him, like Mike Green, are likely to leave this summer or within the next few years. This may be Ovechkin’s best chance to win a Cup as the undisputed leader of the Washington Capitals. Ovechkin seems to know that. In this year’s Division Final against the Rangers, DC’s captain has put on an astonishing display of talent and dedication, nearly winning games for the Capitals off his play alone. On Saturday, he came up short, but it was another immortal individual performance.

“He’s a force,” coach Barry Trotz said. “No question.”

Midway through the third period, Washington was down 3-1, having just given up a crushing goal to Rangers forward Derick Brassard. Just 90 seconds before Rangers fans were to begin their eight-minute mark “Ovi Sucks! Ovi Sucks! Ovi Sucks!” onslaught, Ovechkin bumbled down the ice with three Rangers on him. He knifed straight through Dan Girardi and Ryan McDonagh, New York’s top defenders, as the two hopelessly whacked at Ovi. Falling to his knees, he let off a perfectly placed wrist shot that went top shelf on Henrik Lundqvist. It was a goal that was nearly impossible to imagine another player in the NHL scoring. It was utter brilliance, under immense pressure, on a huge stage. Save for the cheers of Capitals players, MSG fell silent.

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p-v-i

Round two of the Stanley Cup Playoffs begin tonight. It’s time for a new round of predictions to be summarily mocked by you jerks in the comments.

But first, a look back at how we did in round one:

  1. Peter: 6 for 8
  2. Keith, a Coin: 4 for 8
  3. Ian: 2 for 8

Haha, a stupid coin beat Ian.

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Red, Proud, and Loud!

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It’s possible that tonight will be the final Capitals game at Verizon Center this season. If the Caps lose tonight and on Saturday, that’s it for the year. That’s a bit of a downer note to start on, but I want the stakes to be clear: the family name is on the line.

So, Caps fans, do your thing. Judging by history, it’s going to be a big night.

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JOE SAKIC

Winning the Stanley Cup is incredibly difficult. After a grueling, 82-game regular season, the top 16 teams then compete in a small sample-size lottery face off with the intensity ratcheted up approximately one hundred notches. The first team to 16 wins bring home The Cup.

The fact is– even the teams thought to be favorites to win it all have the deck stacked against them. A few bad bounces here, a couple bad calls there, and it’s easy to see why “the field” is the best pick of all over any one team when picking a Cup winner.

We’ve already discussed why the Caps won’t be having a parade in June, and we looked at what needs to go right for them to have a realistic shot at riding down F Street on a float. Now here’s the one or two glaring weakness that will prevent every playoff team from winning the Stanley Cup.

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