Cupcakes and Iced Coffee: Tom Wilson is a Basic White Girl


Ed. note: Please say hello to Victoria Dravis, RMNB’s latest acquisition.

Hockey players: They’re just like us! (And by us, I mean me and the thousands of other teenage girls hooked on the best game on Earth; no bias.)

Speaking of game, just look at Tom Wilson and Andre Burakovsky‘s Snapchat and Instagram game on the two whitest social networks above. So on point. #nofilter

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Photo: @WashCaps

Washington Capitals defenseman Karl Alzner has now played in 423 consecutive games, passing Bob Carpenter for the franchise’s all-time record. Hockey is arguably the most brutal of the top four American sports. Playing just a single 82-season without missing a game is an accomplishment. Alzner’s managed to string four of those together, plus a full 48-game season after the 2012 lockout, and he’s well on his way to doing it again this season again (knock on wood).

Alzner is a reliable and smart player. He uses good skating skills and stick positioning to be successful. And, for five years and counting, he’s been willing to sacrifice his body when the moment calls for it.

The Capitals honored Alzner with a video on the jumbotron during the first period.

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Editor’s note: Oh snap, it’s the return of the Making RMNB Last essay series. RMNB Patrons give Peter a topic, he writes, you read. Enjoy!

From the end of 2010 until the end of 2014, Alex Ovechkin was the baby-smooth face of men’s razors and shaving products company Gillette. Except for special exceptions, Ovi kept his chin tidy for contractual reasons. In late 2010, HBO 24/7 captured the ritual in action:

Among RMNB readers, Ovi’s shaving habits were controversial. Andrew F., who originally wanted me to write about Filip Forbserg but eff that noise, asked me to conduct a serious statistical comparison of The Two Ovis: shaved and scruffy.

Hell yeah, Andrew. It’s on.

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Photo: NHL

This morning, the NHL released a series of tweets promoting this weekend’s All-Star Game in Nashville. Each tweet included a graphic to get to know each team’s mascot. Slapshot, the Caps mascot, said his (its?) favorite country artist is Luke Bryan, which makes me wonder if Slapshot is secretly Karl Alzner, but that’s a topic for another day.

Then there was Slapshot’s favorite comfort food. Slapshot named Carolina pulled pork, and put Stormy in parentheses. Stormy is the Hurricanes mascot. Stormy says he is a pig, but he looks more like a mouse to me.

Eating another mascot is pretty hardcore answer. Is that even possible? RMNB investigates!

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The Washington Capitals are the league’s best team and lead the Eastern Conference by 16 points halfway through the season. They are dominating for a lot of reasons. You could point to the Caps’ league-leading power play and fifth-rated penalty kill, Braden Holtby and Alex Ovechkin being Braden Holtby and Alex Ovechkin, the rise of Evgeny Kuznetsov, or Brian MacLellan’s ace offseason acquisitions of Justin Williams and TJ Oshie.

I think one thing that sets this Caps team a part is the selfless brand of hockey they play.

We got another glimpse of this Tuesday during the second period of the Caps-Blue Jackets game. With the Caps up 5-2, future Lady Byng candidate Marcus Johansson forechecked in the corner with Blue Jackets defenseman Justin Falk. Falk, potentially trying to spark his terrible team in a hopeless game, began mauling the peaceful Swede. Then suddenly, Falk’s gloves were off. He wanted to fight Johansson. I’m not sure why. Johansson has zero career fights.

And that’s when fourth liner Michael Latta sprung into action.

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Gratitude for Alex Ovechkin


I thought it might be important to write down how we were feeling in this moment. So often, what we say is wrapped up in irony, bile, or fatuousness, but Sunday night was different. Sunday night was better.

All at the same time, we all seemed to realize that we were witness to something special, and — in addition to awe — we all seemed to feel the same feeling: gratitude.

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Your Favorite Team Is Going To Suck In 2016


Welcome to 2016. A new year is often viewed as a clean slate or an opportunity to start anew. Resolutions are made, gym memberships rise, and, for many, hope is revived where it had grown dormant.

American poet W.S. Merwin once wrote the following in his poem To the New Year:

our hopes such as they are
invisible before us
untouched and still possible

While the new calendar year falls in the middle of the NHL season, there are still plenty of teams who would like to start fresh, so that hope may still seem possible. While some teams may find success in 2016, your favorite team won’t.

Because your favorite hockey team sucks and all hope is lost.

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Friday morning after I did some chores, I threw it on NHL Network ahead of the Winter Classic. “I’m sure something interesting must be going on in the pregame coverage,” I said to myself, hoping for the best.

I was greeted by this face.

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Rank These Defensemen (Poll)


Randomly selected photo: Amanda Bowen. None of the players pictured are part of the poll.

Let’s play a fun game called Rank These Defensemen. These numbers aren’t a comprehensive view of how good each player is, but each stat is an important part of the puzzle.

All numbers are 2015-16 through Decemeber 28, 5v5 only.

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The Year of Brian MacLellan

Brian MacLellan

Photo: Bruce Bennett

Let’s forego a flowery intro and get right to the point: Brian MacLellan crushed 2015 out of the park. The Caps GM had a spectacular year and currently presides over not only the hottest team in the NHL but the best team as well, according to the standings. Basically, Brian MacLellan was The Undertaker and 2015 was Mankind on top of the Hell in a Cell.

To celebrate MacLellan’s year, we’re going to revisit his three best moves of the past calendar year, with an honorable mention thrown in for good measure.

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