The Weird Satanist Guy is Bowser from the Caps Rap

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Did you see that viral video from earlier this week? Looks like Andrew Bowser has done it again. If you haven’t kept up with the intrepid auteur behind the Caps Rap (2010, and a sequel in 2011), you’ve missed a lot. In that time, Bowser has directed three films and contributed to like a billion online video projects, mostly at Nerdist. It was there that we learned Bowser had once again won the internet.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, so just watch the video first.

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alex-ovechkin-self-portrait

Remember when I said that the Alex Ovechkin Kharlamov Trophy press conference was the gift that keeps on giving? Today, I bring you a translation and GIFs of Alex Ovechkin drawing Alex Ovechkin via SovSport.

Alex Ovechkin drawn by Alex Ovechkin looks like a cross between Hey Arnold, Doug Funnie, and a stick figure. Ovechkin’s girlfriend, Nastya Shubskaya, fared much better.

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who-is-brooks-laich

Tuesday morning, Capitals heartthob Brooks Laich announced his engagement to star Julianne Hough. Because the super-famous Hough is a triple threat (actress/singer/dancer) and on one of network TV’s biggest shows (Dancing With The Stars), nearly every news outlet in the world covered the proposal, including TMZ, ABC World News, and NBC Nightly News.

That’s cool and all, but anyone can post an Instagram photo and relay the news that a couple is engaged. I need hard-hitting analysis. I need deep, incisive journalism. I need Access Hollywood’s comprehensive coverage of the proposal– an entire segment dedicated to explaining who the heck Brooks Laich is.

Billy Bush, take me on a sports journey.

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maxim-ovechkin-helmet

Photo: @maksgoloshchapov

Last season, four-year-old Maxim Goloschapov was flown from Moscow to Kettler Capitals Iceplex because he won a promotional campaign held by Bauer Russia. Basically, tiny Maxim wowed Ovechkin with his hockey talent so much that The Great Eight had to meet him.

In March, Maxim and the rest of his family watched the Caps practice before being introduced to Ovechkin and the team’s two other Russian players, Evgeny Kuznetsov and Dmitry Orlov, in the locker room. That day, Maxim’s father Ivan promised Ovechkin a gift to thank him for his son’s amazing experience.

In mid-June, Ovechkin actually took him up on that offer – with help from his girlfriend, Nastya Shubskaya. During a quick meet-up in a Moscow restaurant, Maxim and his father presented the Russian machine with a portrait of himself.

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joel-ward-omg

On July 3rd, we all shed a tear when Joel Ward signed a three-year deal with those bastard San Jose Sharks. The sturdy, likable forward was arguably the most clutch playoff goal scorer in Caps’ franchise history. From dispatching the Boston Bruins in 2012 to his multiple late-game heroics in 2015, Wardo never shied away from the big moment.

Now, via Melissa C. (@fredvegasbass), we’re learning just how much of a consummate professional and helpful teammate Ward was while still in Washington. Watch as he and Andre Burakovsky do a face-off drill at Kettler Capitals Iceplex. You’ll love the leadership here.

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eric-fehr-trolling

I have some bad news to report. Former Washington Capitals third-line center and awesome human being Eric Fehr has joined the dark side (along with Steve Oleksy), signing a three-year, $6 million contract with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Let’s remember the good times.

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laich-fan-proposes-julianne-hough

On July 3rd, Julianne Hough’s Move Live Tour made its way to Wolf Trap, and there was a special Caps-related surprise during the show. I’ll let RMNB reader Topher Gee explain.

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libby-lu

TJ Oshie called in to SportsCenter Sunday to surprise a five-year-old Blues fan who had a bit of a tantrum upon learning upon his trade to Washington. (It was pretty much the same reaction I had when the Hurricanes signed Alex Semin three years ago, so I get it.)

Watch and feel fuzzy things inside your innards, which is hopefully not related to how much you drank during your backyards firework show last night.

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mike-green-stealth

On the first day of free agency, long-time Capital Mike Green signed a three-year, $18 million contract to play in Detroit. Despite being the most sought out UFA on the market, Green found the decision, according to Bill Roose of DetroitRedWings.com, to be a “pretty easy one.”

Here’s Mike Green in his own words on why he signed with Detroit.

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San Jose’s bigasses/60 just got even bigger. NBCSN’s Anson Carter reports that former Washington Capitals winger Joel Ward has signed with the Sharks. Ward did not get the four years his agent wanted; instead he’ll settle for three. The contract is worth $9.825 million, and the $3.275 yearly salary is a $275k raise from last season.

WAVE GOODBYE TO THOSE CLUTCH GOALS AND THAT BIG BEAUTIFUL BUTT.

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