Capitals mascot Slapshot delivered the goods again this year, skating the flag onto the ice every home game without ever once tripping (which is more than Dennis Wideman or Alex Semin can say). He defied Capitals tradition by not folding under the pressure, and he did it all while wearing a 20-pound mascot head. What a pro.

Best Moment: Rappeling off the Crystal City Hilton for the Virginia Special Olympics.

Photo credit: Slapshot’s Facebook page.

Or driving an ATV on the ice at games. Now that’s skill.

Things We Said About Slapshot: “Seriously, how does he skate in that costume?”

Alignment: Chaotic Good

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Unexpected Concern of a Large Bald Eagle: Slapshot spent a lot of time tweeting about traffic. He really is a DMV mascot.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: N/A, already a costumed hero.

Alternate Career Possibilities: Possible future as a DJ.

Photo That We Can’t Explain But Like Anyway: 

Team Role: Skate around the ice waving a large flag, elaborately prank other mascots, communicate via exaggerated mime, distribute Chipotle burritos (priority responsibility).

Execution of that Role: Once again managed to never hand out those Chipotle burritos in the section that I was in. Very disappointed. Five out of ten.

Best Fan Letter: 

More insanely cute Caps Kids Club Slapshot Fan Appreciation Contest entries here.

Likeliness to Return: We’re hearing rumblings of a trade for the Blues’ Louie the Bear and a second-round pick, but we don’t think GMGM will pull the trigger. Nine out of ten.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Well, he’s a flightless, mute bird with an oversized head–but we would protect him to the death without complaint.

Overall Year-End Rating: Nine Good Sashas.

Photo credit: Rob Carr

What can we say about John Erskine, the forgotten man?

Sometimes bad seasons happen to good people. There, you have learned the meaning of life from hockey. Erskine took a step backwards in terms of development and role on the team, but we are rooting for him, because the Caps just wouldn’t be the same without that gap-toothed grin.

Cap Hit: $1.5 M. Erskine is signed through 2012-13 and will be UFA on expiration of that contract.

Best Moment: Challenging Arron Asham for knocking out Jay Beagle and the ensuing antics, and winning.

Most Impressive Accumulations of PIM: This game against Montreal in which he earned a triple minor, or this game against Florida where he racked up 17 total penalty minutes.

Things We Said About John Erskine: “Has anyone seen John Erskine?”

Alignment: Neutral Good

Spirit Animal: Kodiak bear.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Big John

Team Role: Defensive defensemen, part-time enforcer and nuclear deterrent.

Execution of that Role: This season wasn’t much fun for John Erskine. He played only 28 games out of 82, healthy scratches blurring into injuries blurring into healthy scratches until no one seemed to know what was going on with Erskine at all. Erskine wasn’t completely clear on what was going on, either — Dale Hunter’s obvious disfavor culminated in an uncomfortable interview in which he said the coach hadn’t been in communication with him at all. Drama aside, Erskine lost some ground on the depth chart this year, and will face an uphill battle for a jersey next year.

Postseason Performance: Erskine made it back into the lineup in Game Four of the Boston series after the physical game between the two teams started getting a little out of hand, and just like anyone who knew that a hulking 6’4 defenseman was watching them, the Bruins settled right down.

Beard Rating:

Erskine’s facial hair, as always, makes him look like a Viking warrior. Seven out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: It’s likely he’s the low man on the totem pole going into this season, but we’ll see what Coach Oates has to say about it. Seven out of ten.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: He’d have to watch that bad shoulder, but we have no doubt he could swing a two-handed weapon. Can we get him a broadsword? Nine out of ten.

Overall Year-End Rating: Five Good Sashas.

There are some players who didn’t get a chance to make an impact on the ice with the Caps this year, whether through limited opportunity, injury, or otherwise. That isn’t going to stop us from giving them a disproportionate amount of words, though, because we do what we want.

Joel Rechlicz only played three games with the Capitals this year, but he brought his larger-than-life presence with him, got us talking about his wooden sticks and his ambidextrous punching, and about the changing role of the pure enforcer in the NHL. We are a bit disappointed that we never got to see him fight, but it’s good to know that he is there should the need for violence ever arise.

Cap Hit: $525,000. Rechlicz will be UFA on July 1st.

Milestones: This year, Rechlicz played his first game with the Caps, and also joined twitter!

Best Moment: Getting called up for the first time in over two years.

Best Hershey Moment: Fighting Myles Stoesz in defense of teammate Cody Eakin.

Or this fantastic minute-plus bout with Ryan Schnell of the WBS Penguins.

Things We Said About Joel Rechlicz: “Oh, Joel Rechlicz got called up! Someone must need to be punched in the face.”

Media Consensus: “Wait, why is he here?”

Spirit Animal: The Aggressively Forward Bearded Iris.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Recker

Team Role: Puncher of offending faces.

Execution of that Role: Rechlicz unfortunately did not get the opportunity to punch Rene Bourque’s face, which was the face we most wished to see punched. His Beowulf-esque heroic boasts worked too effectively in this instance.

Beard Rating: Joel’s follicular strength and skill is beyond dispute. Ten out of ten.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: It is possible that Joel Rechlicz is the optimal post-apocalyptic companion. We might even take him over Brooks Laich.

Overall Year-End Rating: Two out of two fists.

Photo credit: Chris Gordon

Not all of the people iconic to Caps hockey are the players on the ice. Joe Beninati and Craig Laughlin are a part of the experience all year, holding our hands through nail-biting overtime games, hugging us after crushing defeats.

You know, metaphorically.

Cap Hit: Priceless.

Milestones: Joe B got his very own hockey card this year! Your move, Laughlin.

Things We Said About Joe B and Locker: “Here’s the Joe B suit of the night.” “Hold it here!”

Best Soundbites:

Joe B: “Sean Bergenheim. I want to strangle him. …Mr. and Mrs. Bergenheim, I’m just kidding!”

Locker: “Great pickup by the Caps. Ribeiro has more moves than a barrel of monkeys.”

Best Vintage Locker Pictures: This photo of his old days in a Caps uniform, or this interesting haircut choice. 

Spirit Animals: Ian’s ferrets.

Team Role: Call the games with personality and professionalism; stay upbeat during losses and level during wins; let us know when people are not related.

Execution of that Role: Ten out of ten. We weren’t sure whether Joel Ward and Cam Ward were related, but Joe B was there for us.

Postseason Performance: Sadly, the Caps’ broadcast team does not travel with us past the first round of the playoffs, but suffering through NBC broadcasts just made us appreciate them that much more.

Favorite Joe B Suit of the Year: This brown plaid number, or this stripes-and-stripes combo. The man is like Don Cherry, only not colorblind.

Favorite Locker Tweets of the Year: 

War Wounds: Laughlin had scheduled hip surgery after the Caps’ regular season ended, rocking the red in the hospital and back on the ice in a matter of weeks.

Biggest Fans: These ladies have great taste. 

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Every good disaster story needs a narrator.

Overall Year-End Rating: Ten Good Sashas.

All Jokes Aside: This was not an easy season to be a sportscaster for the Capitals, and we couldn’t have had better guides. Beninati and Laughlin covered a team in turmoil this year, from disappointments to coaching changes, from player declines to demoralizing losses. They did it all with the intelligence and humor that we’ve come to expect from them, did not lie to us or try to mask the problems but instead delivered them with sensible analysis that never devolved into bitterness.

This fanbase has been through good times recently, and rough times, and the worst possible times, and Joe B and Locker have been a constant through it all. Both of these men have outgrown regional sportscasting, and we’re lucky to have them.

Photo credit: Clydeorama

If we were reviewing Dennis Wideman‘s season before the All-Star Break, or even in March, this would be an entirely different story. We’d talk about his almost-hat-trick, his stellar offense, his first All-Star Game. We still talk about all of those things, but there is a lot more yelling — because unfortunately for Dennis Wideman, the playoffs happened.

Cap Hit: $3,937,500. Nice round number. Wideman is UFA on July 1st.

Milestones: Wideman was elected to the NHL All-Star Team for the first time in his career, which mostly went on to serve as a source of puzzlement and punchline later.

Best Moment: The almost-hat-trick. In a game in December, Wideman appeared to score three goals, but later insisted he had not and asked for one goal to be reviewed. It was indeed not his goal, but Brooks Laich’s. This display of honesty led me to photoshop my second creepiest image of the season.

Things We Said About Dennis Wideman: “Hey Dennis Wideman, what are you doing?” “Dennis, you may want to rethink that thing that you’re doing.” “DENNIS EARL WIDEMAN GET OFF THE ICE RIGHT NOW AND GO SIT IN A CORNER TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.”

Alignment: Neutral Evil

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Media Consensus: “Dennis Wideman, what are you doing?”

Spirit Animal: Deer in headlights.

Team Role: Wideman was expected to be a puck-carrying player and to provide offense from the blueline, while being as little of a defensive liability as possible.

Execution of that Role: Everything went reasonably well except for the “not being a defensive liability” part. Wideman set new personal bests in goals and assists, and his 46 points were good for third on the team, providing a team-high 35 assists and  outscoring several forwards. Unfortunately he was a nightmare in his own zone, which might have been more acceptable if “defense” wasn’t right in his job title.

Postseason Performance: Dennis Wideman appears to be allergic to the playoffs.

Beard Rating:

Photo credit: Cheryl Nichols

Respectable, and slightly ginger. Seven out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Please go away.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: You could probably count on him to be of superficial value until a critical moment when he would accidentally drop all of your supplies into the bottom of a lake. Two out of ten.

Other: Overall Year-End Rating: Six Bad Sashas.

For statistical analysis of Wideman’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator. 

The search for the mythical Playoffs Performer led George McPhee to get a little carried away bidding for Joel Ward last summer–and like it always does, Ward’s paycheck led to expectations. When the playoffs rolled around, we were all watching intently to see if Joel Ward would evolve into a Charizard or something.

And you know what? He kind of did.

Cap Hit: $3 M. Joel Ward is signed through 2014-15, and will be UFA on expiration of that contract.

Best Moment: Easy. Scoring the series-winning Game Seven goal in overtime. No matter how else Ward’s season went, no one who saw it will ever forget that goal.

Listen to John Walton’s fantastic call of that goal one more time. You know you want to.

Worst Moment: The low was just as dramatic, though it doesn’t erase Ward’s spot in Caps history. Minutes away from a Game Five win in the second round to take a lead in the series, Ward took a double minor that left the Caps shorthanded for four minutes. The Rangers tied the game, and then won it. Ow.

Things We Said About Joel Ward: “Boy, we can’t wait till the playoffs so we can see Joel Ward!”

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

There is definitely a soccer player named Joel Ward.

Media Consensus: “Overpaaaaiiiiiiddd.”

Spirit Animal: Shetland pony.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Nick Fury

Backstory Montage: The Washington Post did a great profile on Ward’s road to the NHL that made us like him even more.

Team Role: Though his $3 M payday would seem to indicate a larger role, Ward ended up playing as a bottom-six defensive forward.

Execution of that Role: Expectations aside, Ward played well in that role, eating up tough minutes admirably and seeming to develop chemistry with several lines. Despite his good power play numbers with past teams, Ward got no time on the PP, but he still notched six goals and eighteen points, while maintaining the best on-ice goals-against average on the team.

Postseason Performance: After spending all season debunking the myth of the clutch postseason player, we have to admit that Ward did kinda come through. He didn’t have the spectacular playoffs that he had with Nashville last year, but he scored one big goal at the biggest possible moment.

We won’t talk about that other thing.

Beard Rating: 

Photo credit: Cheryl Nichols

Ward’s beard seems to have grown to some kind of strange point on his cheek. We are okay with that. Six out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Though that contract is still a pain, Ward is a useful player and GMGM will likely see that Game Seven goal as validation for his decision. Hey, maybe we’ll even see him on the PP next year. Seven out of ten.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Ward never gives up, and is not afraid to work hard when it’s called for. He can stay. Eight out of ten.

Other: Ward’s moment of triumph was unfortunately marred by racist tweets lashing out at him for his series-winning goal. We don’t give extra attention to bile like that, but it’s worth saying one more time: we love Joel Ward more than you could ever possibly hate him.

Via: @hockeymemes

Overall Year-End Rating: Six Good Sashas

For statistical analysis of Ward’s seasons, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator.

Jeff Schultz has a good, strong German name with lots of consonants, which makes it very satisfying to yell. This is fortunate, since we yelled his name a lot this season. If you yell it angrily enough, it almost feels like swearing, doesn’t it? We appreciate the small blessings.

Cap Hit: $2.75 M. Jeff Schultz is signed through 2013-14, and he will be UFA after the expiration of that contract.

Best Moment: Schultz had a couple of moments when it looked like he could be picking up the Dale Hunter spirit, including the February game against the Panthers where he was on fire, defending, hitting hard, and even drawing a boarding call. Yes, that Jeff Schultz.

Things We Said About Jeff Schultz: ”Just HIT HIM, Jeff, he’s RIGHT THERE.”

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Okay.

Media Consensus: “A Wideman-Schultz defensive pairing may not be the best idea.”

Spirit Animal: Beaker.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: Sarge

Team Role: Top-four, positional defenseman with good reach.

Execution of that Role: Schultz didn’t meet the exacting standards of Hunter Hockey, and had to stay after class for special tutoring with Jim Johnson while the other kids all went to recess. After an intense rehaul of his entire being, Schultz once again made it into the lineup for short stretches, and then on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there did not seem to be any permanent improvement — instead he got worse, becoming a weak spot to be exploited in two different systems trying to emphasize defense. On the upside, there were none of these:

Postseason Performance: Schultz began the playoffs as a part of the lineup, but defensive errors sent him back to the press box by Game Four of the first round. He got back on the ice for Game Seven and played all but one of game of the second round, and in ten games somehow managed to never be on the ice for a goal scored by the Caps.

Beard Rating: 

Photo credit: Cheryl Nichols. 

Patchy but not offensive. Three out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Through his declining performance, Jeff Schultz has gone from being an appropriately paid top pairing defenseman to an overpaid sixth or seventh defenseman. We could be making better use of that $2.75 M. Five out of ten.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Well. If we ever needed to reach something off a high shelf, I guess he’d come in handy. Two out of ten.

Other: Schultz participated in the 4th of July festivities at the National Archives, doing a dramatic reading of the Declaration of Independence, strong Canadian accent and all.

Overall Year-End Rating: Eight Bad Sashas.

For statistical analysis of Schultz’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator.

Via carrotbazooka.tumblr.com

There is no defining Alex Semin. Many men have tried and gone mad in the attempt.

This season, though, Matt Bradley helped us out by distilling the thousands of questions about Semin into only one: Does Sasha care? We spent the rest of the season trying to find the answer, helped by scientific bar graphs, endearing drawings, and caps-locked hashtags. Yet here we are in what could be the last few days of Semin’s career with the Capitals, and we still don’t have the answer. Does Sasha really care? Perhaps we’ll never know.

Cap Hit: $6.7 M. Alex Semin is UFA on July 1st.

Milestones: Semin won his second World Championships gold medal this year and promptly injured himself with it.  He also did his first interview with RMNB! 

Best Moment: Scoring both the first goal of the season and the goal to clinch the Caps a spot in the playoffs.

Things We Said About Alex Semin: “#SASHACARES”; ”Oh look, an offensive-zone stick penalty.”

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Media Consensus: Everyone else: “ENIGMATIC.” Mike Milbury: “It’s because he’s Russian.”

Spirit Animal: Alex Semin.

Sasha is his own spirit animal.

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: The Enigma

Notable Invasions of Personal Space: This year, Semin didn’t sit on as many people, but he did get close with Ovechkin in a goal celebration, play around at practice,  and express his affection for Mike Green.

Team Role: Elite scorer, dynamic top-six player.

Execution of that Role: Alex Semin’s news cycle got started way ahead of the season, when former Cap Matt Bradley gave a frank interview about his effort level that quickly created an all-out media discussion of the same. Semin did an rare English interview that counteracted some of that, but it was another up and down season for #28. He started very, very slowly, with five goals in his first 27 games, but then finally began scoring steadily in the second half of the season. The good moments were dazzling, as always, and Semin was able to show some real defensive commitment as well. He once again failed to reach the heights we have seen in previous seasons, though he was not playing in a system that made it easy for him to do so.

Postseason Performance: Semin had a good first round, tallying three goals against the Bruins in a tight, low-scoring series. Then, in the second round, he had just one assist. We’re almost glad the Caps didn’t make it into the third round, he might have vanished from sight altogether.

Beard Rating:

Semin chose to go with the controversial “don’t grow a beard at all” strategy. N/A.

Likeliness to Return: Three out of ten. Alex Semin is an elite UFA this offseason, and there are mixed messages as to whether or not he’ll consider an offer from the Caps. Do we want him to? Tough call. Semin is one of those guys who makes you think that if you could just harness that pure offensive talent, you could win Stanley Cups until the end of time. So tempting — and besides, we’ve gotten used to having that guy around, we’d miss him.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: You know, it’s…hard to say. Perhaps the fear of being eaten by zombies will motivate Sasha like nothing else has ever been able to. ???? out of ten.

Other: Semin was much more talkative in Russian, speaking to us and other reporters about the Canes breaking his chain, not understanding NHL rules, Hunter hockey, and space exploration.

Greatest Semin Interview of the Season: This chat with Jill Sorensen, wherein vital questions were answered, such as whether Sasha’s shoes were comfortable, and whether or not he was going to smile.

Other: His facial expressions have got to be worth $1 M alone.

Overall Year-End Rating: ??????

For statistical analysis of Semin’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator.

Photo credit: Mitchell Layton

This year, Mathieu Perreault did a good deal to shake off the labels of streakiness and inconsistency that have plagued him, scoring at a better clip and sticking with the team all year long. Now, all he needs is a six-inch growth spurt to shut up critics altogether. We think he’s got it in him.

Cap Hit: $525,000. Perreault is RFA on July 1st, but the Caps have already extended him a qualifying offer.

Milestones: This was the first time that Perreault spent the entire season with the big club, and he took advantage of it, notching personal bests in goals, assists, and games played, also scoring his first career hat trick.

Best Moment: Definitely that hat trick. Perreault came up huge at one of the team’s lowest points this season, turning an expected defeat into one of the most inspiring moments of the year.

With Backstrom and Green out of the lineup and Ovechkin suspended, the depleted Capitals’ game against the Cup champs seemed like a guaranteed slaughter. Instead, depth player Perreault stepped up and scored three goals in a 5-3 win, and the delinquent captain came down from the press box to shaving-cream-pie Perreault himself.

Things We Said About Mathieu Perreault: “It takes a very special player to score with his tongue.”

Ways Pierre McGuire Said “Mathieu Perreault”: “Mathieu Perrrrrrrrreault.” 

Alignment: Lawful Good

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

Wallpaper of Hugo Chavez, in case you ever wanted that.

Media Consensus: “Wow, that’s one high shooting percentage.”

No Really, It Was: Perreault shot at a freakish 26.7% this year, leading the Caps by a huge margin, and leading the league as well in players who played more than 60 games. In fact, no player with more than 60 GP has had that high of a shooting percentage since the lockout. His secret? Aim!

Spirit Animal: A lemur.

Team Role: Depth center, bottom six player.

Execution of that Role: Perreault made the team out of training camp, beating out younger players Mathias Sjogren and Cody Eakin for a roster spot with his performance in the preseason. Unlike previous years, Perreault stayed up with the Caps the whole season, playing 64 games and doubling his NHL best point and goal totals. He was also responsible for his share of defensive-zone heart attacks as well, but he was just trying to make sure that we were paying attention.

Postseason Performance: Perreault only played four games this postseason before being replaced in the lineup by Mike Knuble. He registered no points.

Beard Rating:

Photo credit: Cheryl Nichols

Is it just us, or is Perreault’s facial hair actually getting less skeezy over time? Development! Four out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Well, it depends if we can trade him to Montreal for everything they have. Look, French last name!

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Perreault’s size makes it just as difficult for him to compete in a deadly wasteland as it does in the NHL. He has been learning how to fight, though his finishing move is crying for help from Captain America. Four out of ten.

Overall Year-End Rating: Six Good Sashas

For statistical analysis of Perreault’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator. 

Photo credit: Bruce Bennett

We could write whole essays about Alex Ovechkin‘s season. We could write a three-act play, we could write a bestselling series of novels about our namesame, the Russian Machine, and the ups and downs of his career.

But don’t worry, we didn’t, so don’t be afraid to click past the jump. Mostly it’s a lot of gifs of belly patting, which accomplishes the same effect anyway.

Cap Hit: $9.5 M. According to terms of his contract, Ovechkin is signed to the Capitals “until the stars burn out.”

Milestones: This year, Ovechkin tied Peter Bondra for the franchise lead in playoffs goals, added two OTGWG to his already franchise-leading record, and got a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s.

Best Moment: Scoring 88 seconds into Game Six of the second round, or scoring twice against the Detroit Red Wings in March when the Caps were fighting to make the playoffs.

Off the ice, we also appreciated Ovechkin testing concussion-preventative helmets, and taking time to meet up with the Lokomitiv youth hockey players.

Things Ovechkin Communicated Through Mime: “I can’t hear you,” “I feel very comfortable with Alex Semin,” and “I’m hungry for moar goals!”

Best Ovechkin-Inspired Moment: The Horn Guy leading the Verizon faithful in a countdown and an “Ovi” chant mirroring lame taunts from Rangers fans.

Most Awkward Moment: Ovechkin was suspended three games for a questionable hit on Penguins defenseman Zbenyk Michalek right before the All-Star Game. He chose not to attend, because he had better things to do anyway, and Brendan Shanahan took time in his suspension video to delve into his feelings about Dawson’s Creek.

Things We Said About Alex Ovechkin: “I think Alex Ovechkin has really turned a corner!”, “We are doomed, Alex Ovechkin will never ever be the same.”

Alignment: Chaotic Good

First Irrelevant Google Images Result:

A lovely field of tulips.

Media Consensus: “We are so obsessed with Alex Ovechkin’s ice time that it’s actually starting to get creepy.”

Spirit Animal:

Sheepvechkin! (Illustration by Rachel Cohen)

Alternate Universe Superhero Identity: The Great Eight

Team Role: Captain, superstar, and franchise player. We hoped to see the offensive dynamo of previous seasons re-emerge, but it was a reserved hope.

Execution of that Role: This was another difficult year for Alex Ovechkin, who had to work through overblown narratives, coaching changes, and the loss of his linemate Nicklas Backstrom to try to regain a career peak he may have permanently left behind. He handled decreased ice time and a restrictive system more maturely than we might have expected, and scored 38 goals anyway, but spent good stretches of the year looking repetitive, stubborn, and lost. We hope that he will be able to retain the lessons of discipline and sacrifice that he learned this year, but we also really, really hope that the next coach will let him off the leash a little.

Postseason Performance: Ovi lead the team in scoring in the playoffs as well with five goals and nine points, and it was a joy to watch him smash into Dennis Seidenberg like a runaway train. However, Ovechkin’s ice time was severely restricted in the postseason and he was often taken off the ice at the most crucial moments for the team. We’re not sure whether it would be more worrying to know that this was the right call, or that it wasn’t.

Beard Rating: 

This Gillette contract is depriving us of the true Ovechbeard. We do not approve. Three out of ten.

Likeliness to Return: Ten out of ten. We can debate until we are blue in the face about whether Ovechkin should stay — but he will stay. Those who hitch their wagon to alternative theories are in for a very long, disappointing nine years.

Usefulness in a Post-Apocalyptic Setting: Imagine this, if you will: Ovechkin with a semi-automatic versus a horde of oncoming zombies. Yeah, we want him around. Eight out of ten.

Articles Relating to Ovechkin’s Posterior: Only two, oddly. However, there is also this gif.

Highlight of Your Year: Ovechkin starring in Russian rap video.

Overall Year-End Rating: Five Good Sashas.

For statistical analysis of Ovechkin’s season, see Japers’ Rink or Peerless Prognosticator.