Washington Capitals defenseman Dmitry Orlov just scored his first goal since March 2, 2014 and his first goal since missing all of last season due to a broken wrist.

The tally was ridiculous.

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Photo: Patrick McDermott

It’s a Saturday night and all of you get free Egg McMuffins in the morning. That’s what happens when you play the Colorado Avalanche. Let’s go wild.

The scoring started just three minutes into the pre-holiday tilt when Jason Chimera fed the puck to Justin Williams from behind the net just after an Avs penalty expired, suggesting that Chimmer, despite previous evidence to the contrary, may in fact have motor skills.

Then, just over four minutes later, Nicklas Backstrom made another slick pass from behind the net, as Alex Ovechkin put home the one-timer for his 485th career tally.

Not to be outdone, Evgeny Kuznetsov decided to make his own awesome pass from below the red line, giving John Carlson his first point in seven games.

Then… unabashed glory. With 43 seconds left in the opening frame, Nate Schmidt, your favorite hockey player and also the best hockey player, scored, firing home an unassisted tally that was pure fake money. What a period.

The Caps jumped on the struggle bus in the second as Cody McLeod and Nathan MacKinnon cut the lead in half.

In the third, the Caps got back to doing their thang, with Kuznetsov giving the fans some free wings to go with their McDonald’s breakfast item. Dmitry Orlov chipped in with the world’s most ridiculous goal, before the Avs got one back on a deflection. Karl Alzner then added the cherry to your hockey game sundae. Ten goals, four by Washington defensemen, three by Russians. Fourteen Caps had points. Fun night!  Caps top Avs 7-3!

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Photo: Rob Carr

Late in the first period, the Colorado Avalanche went offside and the whistle blew. Tom Wilson decided this was the perfect moment to skate over and have a chat with future hall of famer Jarome Iginla.

It did not work out well for Willy Baby.

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Caps vs Avalanche Pregame: The Avs Suck So Beat Them!


Photo: Amanda Bowen

Saturday! Caps hockey! Against a terrible hockey team!

I mean, seriously, look how bad the Colorado Avalanche are. The Y axis only goes up to 46 percent for shot-attempt percentage!


This isn’t to say that the Caps are assured victory. Hockey can be really random. It’s a game of probabilities and isn’t deterministic in nature. So, maybe the Caps will lose. But, when you’re playing a bad team at home, it’s obviously best to grab two points.

Team Record Possession PDO Power Play Penalty Kill
Washington Capitals 12-5-1 54.0% 99.7 21.8% 86%
Colorado Avalanche 7-11-1 44.4% 101.3 18.7% 76.9%

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Mike Green Scores First Goal with Detroit Red Wings

Carlos Osorio

Photo: Carlos Osorio

On Friday night, a player by the name of Mike Green scored his first goal with the Detroit Red Wings. He did not use an Easton Stealth CNT stick.

Early in the second period against the Pacific Division leading Kings, Green snapped a 1-1 tie by skating into the slot to collect a rebound and firing the puck past Jhonas Enroth. It was typical aggressive Mike Green hockey. After the tally, Green broke into a smile before being hugged by his teammates, who are not Washington Capitals. Green had spent his entire 10-year career with the Caps before signing a three-year, $18-million deal with the Wings this offseason. Battling an injury for part of the season, he had previously six point in 13 games for Detroit.

“I’ve been kind of concentrating on trying to shoot the puck more and, you know, at least get something created,” Green told reporters after Detroit’s 3-2 victory. “So it felt good today.”

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GIF Recap: Caps Beat Red Wings, Lose To Stars


Photo: Patrick Smith

The Capitals followed up a 2-1 overtime win over the Detroit Red Wings on Wednesday with a 3-2 loss at home to the Dallas Stars the following night. Evgeny Kuznetsov scored the OT winner against the Red Wings, and Alex Ovechkin finally scored goal number 484 on the Stars to become the highest scoring Russian player in the NHL.

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After Evgeny Kuznetsov closed the coliseum for good, the Islanders moved from Uniondale to Brooklyn and the lovely but flawed Barclays Center. According to Nets Daily, only a quarter of the season-ticket holders at Nassau renewed in Brooklyn. The New York Times has called Brooklyn’s reception of the team a “mixed welcome.”

In a segment from the Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore, correspondent Mike Yard tries to learn hockey and introduce the Brooklyn community to (noted Ovi meanie) Cal Clutterbuck. The culture clash is eye opening and funny.

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Joel Ward Got Locked Out of the Locker Room in Philadelphia


Artist’s rendering.

Yep, it happened again. Former Capital Joel Ward, he of locked in a bathroom stall fame, got locked out of the visitors locker room in Philadelphia on Thursday. I’ll let CSN Philadelphia’s Chris Therien explain.

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Ovi Did The Thing, but Stars beat Caps 3-2


For all intensive purposes, the Caps and Stars are both great teams–to the point that their talent is basically one in the same. In Thursday’s match-up, each team basically had the puck at their beckon call irregardless of the other team’s wishes. It was firewagon hockey. “I could care less,” each team basically said of the other’s attempts at defense, which was a mute point. Instead, offense basically wrecked havoc.

Tyler Seguin gave the Stars some leadway after a daring stretch pass and some net-front fury from Patrick Sharp, which wasn’t goalie interference after all. Nick Backstrom extracted revenge with a big bounce from the back boards to tie the game up before the first intermission.

A scoring pause began in the second period, but ex-Cap Cody Eakin nipped that in the butt in the third period with a heatseeker. In response, Alex Ovechkin became the best Russian scorer ever with a tip-in to tie the game. The Stars restored the lead by stripping John Carlson and getting Jason Spezza to rip a quick shot on net.

Stars beat Caps 3-2.

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Alex Ovechkin Becomes NHL’s Goal-Scoring Russian Leader


For the third and final goddamn time, Alex Ovechkin has taken the NHL record for most goals scored by a Russian.


That’s right. While Ovechkin’s first 484th goal was waved off for goalie interference committed by Justin Williams, and Ovechkin’s second 484th goal was waved off for offside zone entry committed by Justin Williams, Ovechkin’s third 484th goal wasn’t ruined by Justin Williams at all. Williams wasn’t even on the ice. Instead, Ovechkin simply crashed the net to tie the game and seize the record.

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