Russian Machine Never Breaks » Alien: Resurrection http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com A cheerfully demented Washington Capitals site with a healthy fixation on Alex Ovechkin and his Russian bros. CRASH THE NET! Thu, 23 May 2013 15:38:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 Olli Jokinen & His Weird-looking Head Move to Russia The Flames http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/02/olli-jokinen-his-weird-looking-head-move-to-russia-the-flames/ http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/02/olli-jokinen-his-weird-looking-head-move-to-russia-the-flames/#comments Sat, 03 Jul 2010 00:39:16 +0000 Peter Hassett http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/?p=4081 How unreliable are rumors from Russia? Way back on May 5th, journalists from Sportsdaily.ru were declaring that Olli Jokinen would sign with Dynamo Minsk of the KHL. The rumors seemed so concrete, in fact, that it inspired Peter to write a goodbye post to his favorite NHL Player. Well, just in case, he thought we should hold onto this until the deal is completed. Good thing he did, because Olli never signed. To our horror, Jokinen signed with the Calgary Flames on the first day of Free Agency and will hang on to his dreams of drinking Hawaiian Punch from the Stanley Cup for another two years. Well I still wanted to share this with the world, and with some aptly placed strikethroughs, I think the post is as good as gold. Don’t you?

Our intention for RMNB is to discuss all things hockey that fascinate the Washington Capitals fan.   Today is auspicious, for there is nothing more fascinating that the physiological absurdity that is Olli Jokinen.  While he is neither Russian nor a Capital, Jokinen’s pending move from the New York Rangers to the KHL’s Dynamo Minsk NHL’s Calgary Flames is a wonderful excuse for us to marvel at how weird looking he is.

Olli is a high-scoring grunt who has been trapped on middling teams during his 14 seasons in the NHL.   He’s made only two short trips to the postseason, racking up impressive totals in neither.   Despite his impressive points output, the Finnish centerman’s career would be less noteworthy if not for this incident with former Cap Richard Zednik.  Readers, if you’re not into arterial blood spray, feel free to just skip right over this video.

Zed played for Lokomotiv Yaroslavl in the KHL this year, so he and Olli might have a chance to meet skype again.

And now– because you demanded it– here are a bunch of pictures that illustrate how weird-looking Olli Jokinen is.

(Photo by Marc Serota/NHLI via Getty Images)

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NHL Coyotes Flames Trade

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Looking at these photos and using the ancient, scientifically unsound technique of phrenology, we conclude that Olli Jokinen is a perpetually confused sex criminal recidivist with a fondness for small, woodland creatures. He’s like a amalgam of a circus gorilla, the Incredible Hulk, and Lennie from Of Mice and Men. His physiognomy most closely resembles the human-xenomorph hybrid from Alien: Resurrection.

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