The new Alex Ovechkin DVD came out today to much aplomb. Surely, you’ve seen the trailer. Hopefully you’ve followed along as Dan Steinberg cataloged the shirtlessness. It’s kind of a big deal.

Alyonka Larionov (daughter of Igor “The Profesor” Larionov), who worked on the film, supplied this note using some newfangled technology called YouTube:

(Alyonka, you are brilliant. Call me. Let’s get slurpees together. – Peter)

Neil, Ian, and Peter couldn’t make it to Alex’s signing at the Best Buy in Sterling, Virginia for personal reasons (iPad fiddling, sculpting a Braden Holtby golem, and Glee respectively). But that doesn’t mean our army of spies weren’t out in full force to relay all the salacious details.

Paula G. writes us:

I got to Best Buy around 5:30, expecting it to be crazy. The line was pretty long even half an hour early: it wrapped around the store when I got there, and I can imagine it only got longer.

When Ovi got there, everyone cheered. Surprisingly enough the line moved quickly, even though we were allowed to pose for pictures with him. He put his car in the shop at the back ( I didn’t even know Best Buy even did cars?!), so we got to take some pictures of his car along the way. It took 20 minutes to get to the front of the line. Though the handlers did rush us a bit, everyone got to take a picture with him, and he was really gracious and polite. Ovi had some friends there, too, that joked with him between autographs. His biggest smiles were for the little kids, especially for the babies [Ed. note - Paula assures us 'babies' is not slang for particularly hot women]. By 7 PM the line was really short, and Ovi took a break. I think he signed for another hour, but all in all it was easy and fun,and more importantly it didn’t take forever. Good experience!

Now I’m going to go watch the DVD. Shirtless Ovi time!

Thanks for finishing on that lustful note, Paula.

Suzanne speaks her piece:

Like buzzards Caps fans pick the bones from the DVD kiosk.

The table was like an assembly line. They ask you to take the cover off the DVD and take it from you when you reach the front of the line. They hand that cover to Ovi, who signs it and passes it to a third guy. That guy passes it back to you.

Alex Ovechkin’s t-shirt says, “Avoid Responsibility.” That is awesome. [Ed. note - RMNB policy strictly forbids emoticons, but you should know there was one here.]

Alex himself was pretty shy.  He didn’t say much at all, but the guys helping at the table thanked me when I left. He is, however, a total sucker for little kids. He would stop the signing to take pictures with them.

Aww, Ovechkin. One day he will make a great daddy. In the meantime, avoid responsibility at all costs. Dude, us too.

Photos!

Suzanne’s autographed DVD will sit right next Point Break and The Cutting Edge on the shelf.

Insolent children are forced to write jokes for RMNB game reacps while parents wait in line.

Patient fans make small talk to drown out Chad Dukes’s voice pouring out of the stereo section.

The Ovechkin jalopy in the Best Buy garage. If he got those awful Sony Xplod speakers installed, I’m officially a Crosby fan.

Thank you to Paula G. and Suzanne K. for their reader reports and photos. If you also attended the signing, please share your story below.

Mike Green arrives 2 hours late for his own Autograph Signing. With a car like that though, we'll still call his tardiness 'fashionable.' (Photo Colin Randle)

The last thing I heard as I was leaving my girlfriend’s apartment today was: “You owe me big time, tomorrow.” Why? Because I made Ashley go with me to attend Muscle Milk’s Mike Green Autograph Signing at a Giant Food Store in the dredges of Columbia, Maryland. Did everything go smoothly? SIGH. No. Does it ever when you’re dealing with professional athletes?? Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

“But it looked so pretty from the window”

At 9:45AM this morning, Ashley’s futuristic horns of hell alarm went off and we slowly started the process of waking up. One of the first things we noticed was all of the light that was escaping out of her bedside window. What followed was cute. Ashley curiously got up out of bed, stumbled over, slowly pushed the curtain aside, and then gently pressed down on one of the blinds. After several seconds of what seemed like intense observation, she turned to me excitedly and exclaimed “Ian! It’s such a beautiful day outside!!”

I appreciated the enthusiasm. All week, I had been so excited about actually having a Capitals player up near Baltimore. Ever since the Capitals built their beautiful practice facility in Ballston, Virginia, I’ve rarely been able to find the time to go to player appearances or events held by the club. Commuting an hour and a half on weekdays in psycho Virginia traffic is not my vision of fun. And when there are actually weekend practices at Kettler, it’s a total madhouse. Thanks but no thanks, you know?

So when I heard that Muscle Milk was doing the unthinkable and bringing the NHL’s Best Defenseman, Mike Green, up to a Giant 10 minutes away from where I live, my attendance was totally mandatory.

As we both readied ourselves to leave, I quickly started checking my email on Ashley’s computer. While I did so, my tag-team-partner-of-love innocently asked me to check weather.com and tell her how warm it was outside. When the page loaded, I gulped in terror. “Honey, it says it’s 35 degrees outside.”

“WHAT?”

We arrived at the Giant around 11:15 AM, 45 minutes before the signing was supposed to start. There was a huge line already wrapping around the right side of the store. We even had to park behind the strip mall where there was only 10 or 15 spots left in the entire parking lot. It was nuts. Ashley and I got out of the car and quickly walked over. After considering where we were in line, I was happy. I was definitely going to meet Mike Green.

With a mandatory morning Caps practice at 10:30AM in Ballston, Virginia, realistically it made sense that Mike Green was going to show up a little bit late. Like maybe 12:30. 12:45 at the latest. But at 1pm, the 1,500+ Autograph Seekers started to grow restless. “Damn it, where is Mike Green?” Nobody knew. The Muscle Milk people weren’t telling us anything.

Finally, news broke in the form of a @GreenLife52 Status Update on Twitter, read aloud by an excited 14 year old girl with a super complicated looking phone I could never use.

GreenLife52: Going to be bit late traffic is crazy 20 mins

And then after 40 minutes, another update:

GreenLife52: There was an accident on route now 10 more mins

Then Remorse:

GreenLife52: Sorry Everyone & GreenLife52: I’ll be there til the last person comes…. I’ll meet everyone know woeries

As Ashley cupped her frozen hands inside my knit hat and started to physically and emotionally shut down, I became so bored myself that I started observing how other people were coping with the situation. Maybe that would make the time pass quicker I thought. No. It didn’t. As I watched little kids in the hill adjacent to us barrellroll down a muddy hill, I started to die a little inside. Some other kids started playing hockey with a crushed aluminum can and a tipped over Shopping cart as the goal. That was clever. How about conversing with the people around me? Bingo.

I started talking with the wonderful family in front of us. They had a cute 3 year old named Gabriel. He was rocking an Extra-Small Alex Ovechkin Jersey that went down to his feet and a mohawk just like his idol. Oh man, too adorable. As I watched him happily drink apple juice and climb over the sewer bars giggling, I kicked over a rock to him, initiating the only enjoyable time I had in line.

Gabriel kicked back. I did a soccer passing drill with him for the next 15 minutes and time started to pass fast. Ashley’s heart warmed. The family in front of us laughed. Everyone was feeling good. And then:

Greener showed up in his Pimped-Out ride and parked in front of the building. Then the Muscle Milk Crew herded him into their ridiculously decorated Humvee and drove him around the entire building. At that point, the line stretched around the entire mini-mall. And everyone’s spirits were immediately lifted.

After a 45 minuter wait, Ashley and myself made it up to Mike Green’s booth. He was incredibly nice, posed for a picture with Ashley, and when he signed my jersey, he graciously agreed to add his monicker “Game Over.” Oh man, so cool. Here are a few more pictures.

Muscle Milk is a delicious, functional drink packed with protein and essential vitamins and minerals your body needs for a healthy, active lifestyle. Protein provides a sustained source of energy. It also promotes the development of lean muscle, which – along with a regular workout routine – increases endurance, fat-burning, and strength. So whether you’re training for a triathlon, your wedding dress, or the cover of Quads Weekly [Ed Note: Loving the humor there], drinking Muscle Milk will help you get results.

Anyways, Green joins an All-Star Muscle Milk roster that includes pro athletes like Adrian Peterson, Shaquille O’Neil, Ryan Braun and Brandon Roy. For real?? I had no idea.

I wanted to extend a public thanks to Mike Green for spending his afternoon in Columbia with his fans after a grueling morning practice. I’m sure he got handsomely paid for the appearance, but the way he conducts himself in public – where he’s so down to earth and humble – makes it easy for me to say that I’m going to root for him even harder the rest of the year. Sorry journalistic integrity, maybe next year.

Finally, what did my day with Mike Green earn me? Missing the Capitals game tomorrow to spend time with Ashley’s Family in Gaithersburg. That my friends is called compromise.