Wut. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel)
Jaromir Jagr is a lot of things: a future hall of famer, a late-night gym rat, and a mullet connoisseur. He’s also a two-time Stanley Cup champion, and at 41, he’s about to make what may be his final run for a cup.
It’s a great story, but Jagr now looks poised to repeat his disappointing performance in Washington– once again lacking the mental fortitude to persevere in the face of adversity. Yeah. Jagr totally quit on his playoff beard.
As Jagr spoke to media on Tuesday, he showed off his new facial hair. I will to describe it to you, so don’t be alarmed or upset. Small children may want to skip this article.
Since 2010, RMNB has been keeping track of Caps fans’ playoff beards under the banner #beardpact. It’s been our way of keeping in touch regarding our ill-advised facial-hair enterprises, sending some traffic towards Beard-a-Thon, and having a few laughs.
Maybe that’s been fun for you, but it’s been hell for me.
When I can actually grow a beard, I look really bad. Like Nick Backstrom bad. And my so-called friends have this awful habit of getting married during the playoffs. Like every goddamn year. It’s as if their wives didn’t even care about Bruce Boudreau’s job. And have you ever tried to talk to a smart and sophisticated lady while you have the facial scruff of a pubescent seventh grader?
So, yeah. Not this year, guys. I am not growing a playoff beard.
The 2010-11 NHL regular season will end around 9:00pm Sunday, forbidding any overtime or shootout shenanigans. The Washington Capitals’ season concluded at around 9:45pm Saturday night. Before you and your hockey friends head out for a celebratory drink before the Caps take on the Rangers next week, consider the state of your chin. Are you sporting a bit of weekend scruff? A well-kept van dyke? A two-foot beard tucked into your belt to signify your status as King Under the Mountain? In any case, shave it. Shave it now. The season is over, and the time has come to start fresh.
On Tuesday, Gillette announced a multi-year partnership with Alex Ovechkin. The Capitals’ superstar is now the company’s ambassador for Russia and Eastern Europe. Dan Steinberg of the DC Sports Bog has reported that Ovi will join such international sports icons as New York Yankee’ aging shortstop Derek Jeter and British rugby player Jonny Wilkinson in representing the company.
Well, last night I caught glimpse of Ovi’s first Gillette commercial, which has dropped in Moscow. Check it out!
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to write here. How could I sum up the anxiety and uncertainty about tonight’s game 7? Will it all end tonight? Will our beards not reach biblical proportions?
We say NO. The Caps have won their last 4 Wednesday games. Tonight shall be no different. The boys in red will prevail, as will our facial hair.
Our beards cannot give up, they cannot surrender. My beard is only a faint glimmer of its full potential. Besides, girls seem to think my beard is cute, and I WILL NOT let that go away. This #beardpact must survive the night, there is no other option. May my razor rust and all my neighbors think I’m a danger to their kids before I have to shave this beard.
#beardpacters, what say you? (more…)
Game day has arrived once more, my fuzzy-faced friends. Four games have passed thus far, some of us have been lectured by our bosses on our unkept visages, some have likely had significant others part ways (Not me, I actually got a number unsolicited the other day. Go beard!); but despite any misfortunes, the bearded ones persevere. As such we come to Game 5 tonight, with the Capitals returning home to the Verizon Center intent on closing out the series with the ‘Nads. From starting the series with a loss, the once-scraggly Caps have grown into a well-bearded offensive machine, even Nicklas Backstrom, whose face is forever frozen in time at age 13.
Let’s see how everyone’s faces are filling in today.
Puck drop imminent, and it’s time to check in with our scraggly soldiers. But first, tell me if this has happened to you: you’re at 7-11 getting a BIG GULP, paying in pennies as usual, and the lady behind the counter thinks you’re homeless. You try to explain that the hockey team with the Russians MADE you lock up your razor blades, but that just makes things worse. Some people! Right?
How are the RMNB dudes looking? NOT GOOD.
It’s game day, Caps soldiers! We’re only a few minutes from puck drop, so we’ll keep this quick.
I’ve got a wedding on Friday, but I ain’t shaving. I’ve gotta grow this facial hair because I know that John Carlson and Nick Backstrom cannot. Way up in frozen Canadia, I feel certain that the Capitals know we’re at home supporting them. And by supporting, I mean we look like idiots.
Hey, how are the RMNB souljahz?
Whew! How ’bout that game last night? The Washington Capitals beat the Montreal Canadiens in a plum zinger of a hockey game. John Carlson and Nick Backstrom summoned some playoff heroics for us, but there’s a problem: they’re both clean-shaven. Do they know something we don’t?
Just between you and me, RMNB might have taken the celebration too far. The word hangover seems understated; it’s more like an aftermath. Compounding the problem, Caps Nation is looking increasingly more haggard. Scanning the #beardpact channel, I’m seeing a broad spectrum of growth. Before we get to the parade of stubble, let’s check in with the Russian Machinists.
Russian Machine Never Breaks is not associated with the Washington Capitals; Monumental Sports, the NHL, or its properties. Not even a little bit.
All original content on russianmachineneverbreaks.com is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0)– unless otherwise stated or superseded by another license. You are free to share, copy, and remix this content so long as it is attributed, done for noncommercial purposes, and done so under a license similar to this one.