Maybe that’s been fun for you, but it’s been hell for me.
When I can actually grow a beard, I look really bad. Like Nick Backstrom bad. And my so-called friends have this awful habit of getting married during the playoffs. Like every goddamn year. It’s as if their wives didn’t even care about Bruce Boudreau’s job. And have you ever tried to talk to a smart and sophisticated lady while you have the facial scruff of a pubescent seventh grader?
So, yeah. Not this year, guys. I am not growing a playoff beard.
The 2010-11 NHL regular season will end around 9:00pm Sunday, forbidding any overtime or shootout shenanigans. The Washington Capitals’ season concluded at around 9:45pm Saturday night. Before you and your hockey friends head out for a celebratory drink before the Caps take on the Rangers next week, consider the state of your chin. Are you sporting a bit of weekend scruff? A well-kept van dyke? A two-foot beard tucked into your belt to signify your status as King Under the Mountain? In any case, shave it. Shave it now. The season is over, and the time has come to start fresh.
On April 28, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to write here. How could I sum up the anxiety and uncertainty about tonight’s game 7? Will it all end tonight? Will our beards not reach biblical proportions?
We say NO. The Caps have won their last 4 Wednesday games. Tonight shall be no different. The boys in red will prevail, as will our facial hair.
Our beards cannot give up, they cannot surrender. My beard is only a faint glimmer of its full potential. Besides, girls seem to think my beard is cute, and I WILL NOT let that go away. This #beardpact must survive the night, there is no other option. May my razor rust and all my neighbors think I’m a danger to their kids before I have to shave this beard.
On April 23, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
Game day has arrived once more, my fuzzy-faced friends. Four games have passed thus far. Some of us have been lectured by our bosses on our unkept visages, some have likely had significant others part ways (Not me, I actually got a number unsolicited the other day. Go beard!); but despite any misfortunes, the bearded ones persevere. As such we come to Game 5 tonight, with the Capitals returning home to the Verizon Center intent on closing out the series with the ‘Nads. From starting the series with a loss, the once-scraggly Caps have grown into a well-bearded offensive machine, even Nicklas Backstrom, whose face is forever frozen in time at age 13.
Let’s see how everyone’s faces are filling in today:
Blog aristocrat Ian Oland described his facial hair to me this morning as “getting more embarrassing by the day.”
Hangover isn’t the word to describe Peter Hassett’s current mental state. Aftermath looks about right.
Neil Greenberg continues to astound the masses with his preternatural ability to grow a beard on command.
In a surprise fill-in for Peter, who thinks his best friend’s wedding is more important than playoff hockey, your bewhiskered author for the day, Stevie K.
Game day has arrived once more, my fuzzy-faced friends. Four games have passed thus far, some of us have been lectured by our bosses on our unkept visages, some have likely had significant others part ways (Not me, I actually got a number unsolicited the other day. Go beard!); but despite any misfortunes, the bearded ones persevere. As such we come to Game 5 tonight, with the Capitals returning home to the Verizon Center intent on closing out the series with the ‘Nads. From starting the series with a loss, the once-scraggly Caps have grown into a well-bearded offensive machine, even Nicklas Backstrom, whose face is forever frozen in time at age 13.
Let’s see how everyone’s faces are filling in today.
On April 21, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
Puck drop imminent, and it’s time to check in with our scraggly soldiers. But first, tell me if this has happened to you: you’re at 7-11 getting a BIG GULP, paying in pennies as usual, and the lady behind the counter thinks you’re homeless. You try to explain that the hockey team with the Russians MADE you lock up your razor blades, but that just makes things worse. Some people! Right?
On April 19, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
It’s game day, Caps soldiers! We’re only a few minutes from puck drop, so we’ll keep this quick.
I’ve got a wedding on Friday, but I ain’t shaving. I’ve gotta grow this facial hair because I know that John Carlson and Nick Backstrom cannot. Way up in frozen Canadia, I feel certain that the Capitals know we’re at home supporting them. And by supporting, I mean we look like idiots.
On April 18, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
Whew! How ’bout that game last night? The Washington Capitals beat the Montreal Canadiens in a plum zinger of a hockey game. John Carlson and Nick Backstrom summoned some playoff heroics for us, but there’s a problem: they’re both clean-shaven. Do they know something we don’t?
Just between you and me, RMNB might have taken the celebration too far. The word hangover seems understated; it’s more like an aftermath. Compounding the problem, Caps Nation is looking increasingly more haggard. Scanning the #beardpact channel, I’m seeing a broad spectrum of growth. Before we get to the parade of stubble, let’s check in with the Russian Machinists.
On April 16, 2010, In Playoffs, By Russian Machine Never Breaks
How much did last night suck? True story: Peter and Ian had a big fight about writing the game recap. Peter was too grumpy to write it, and Ian was too grumpy to put up with Peter’s hissy fit. Today, they exchanged LOLcats and everything seems fine again. For now.
Is the change of mood due to the Caps’ pathetic overtime loss, or is something more sinister behind it? Could it be that our nascent facial hair is turning us into hyper-masculine, moody bastards? The intention of #beardpact was to create levity and togetherness among Caps fans, but it may have gone awry. Let’s take this time to redouble our efforts. No change from yesterday: sixteen wins stand between our team and glory. Within that increment there must be a lot of dudes with itchy necks and annoyed girlfriends/wives/platonic opposite-sex companions.
Let’s check in with the RMNB staff, all of whom could use a hug today.
