Brad Marchand is a great hockey player. He has a big heart too. His gutless diving, however, has to stop.

In the third period of the Capitals’ 3-2 overtime win over Boston on Saturday, Marchand dropped to the ice like a piano falling off the top story of the Empire State Building after Alex Ovechkin gave him a friendly slash in the ribs.

Is the covering of his face and getting in the fetal position really necessary?

Fortunately for us, Ovechkin had a chance to discuss the play face-to-face with Marchand in a heated scrum after the whistle.

Yeah, that’s not even fair.

Har har. Bruins fan taunts Ribs. (Photo credit: Emily C.)

The Washington Capitals and Boston Bruins have developed an intense rivalry since their back-and-forth seven-game series in the first round of the playoffs last year. From the Olympic-quality dives from Brad Marchand to Nicky Backstrom’s cross-check to the face, it’s apparent these teams hate each other.

That’s why on Saturday, as they played each other for the second time in 16 days, all hell broke loose. First, Mike Ribeiro fought Brad Marchand, and Matt Hendricks laid down the law with Nathan Horton. Then, in the third period, as Shawn Thornton tried to get Hendricks to drop the gloves, Hendy bloodied his fists in a fight with Adam McQuaid.

Let’s recap all the crazy.

Mike Ribeiro Fights Brad Marchand

As Mike Ribeiro skates out of the defensive zone, Marchand drops his gloves and starts throwing haymakers. What’s the point of the instigator penalty if it’s never called? The two exchange punches. This was Ribeiro’s first NHL fight. Way to go, Ribs.

Matt Hendricks Fights Nathan Horton

The Capitals, incensed that the Bruins would fight one of their skill players, immediately look for retribution. Before the period ends, Hendricks finds Nathan Horton at the blue line, drops gloves, and bloodies his face. As Hendricks skates off to the locker room, Shawn Thornton tells him he’s going to eff him up.

Mike Ribeiro vs. Taunting Bruins Fan

While Ribs serves his major in the box, a Bruins fan does the crybaby face to him. Uhh, that’s Karl Alzner’s move, dummy.

Matt Hendricks Fights Adam McQuaid

As Thornton coaxes Hendy into a fight, the Blaine, Minnesota native instead chooses the man taking shots at him all day, Adam McQuaid. Hendricks bloodies his knuckle during the bout.

Matt Hendricks Puts Boston Fan In His Place

Finally, as Hendricks skates off the ice for repairs, a Boston fan grabs at him and yells something probably impolite. Hendy points at the fan, warning him that if he doesn’t stop, justice will have to be served again.

Photo via @ChrisLicodo

All in all, there were 42 penalty minutes, three fights, and one Capital player yelling SUCK MY F!^#&^ D!^& on live TV. Oh, hockey. You’re the best.

Photo credit: Brian Babineau

The Boston Bruins are the best team in the East. I think they’re the East’s best chance at winning the Cup this year, but that doesn’t mean I’m rooting for them or that I didn’t want the Washington Capitals to crush them on Saturday afternoon. That didn’t happen though. The Caps struggled on defense, and their offense needed help to get the puck behind Anton Khudobin. The game got a little wild in the second and third periods, which is just how the Bruins like it.

Bruins beat Caps 4-1.

• I’m not sure who should catch the blame on the Nathan Horton goal. Matt Hendricks goofed on a dump-in, but Troy Brouwer‘s deflection gave Lucic the opportunity to pass it up the slot. And of course no one marked Horton at all. Horton had a clean one-timer from high in the slot, and he absolutely nailed it. David Krecji followed it up by sinking a loose puck. It was a bad way to cap off a pretty tight first period.
• So maybe next year the Capitals should put together an NHL-quality blueline. Jack Hillen and his unenthusiastic D was responsible for Krecji’s goal — perhaps expected after he sat so long on the shelf. Steve Oleksy was on-ice for both first period goals and Ference’s tally in the second.
• Marcus Johansson opened up the second period with a casual pass from behind Boston’s net. The puck was deflected through the slot by a Boston player and then deflected into the net by David Krecji‘s skate. lulz. That was Marcus Johansson’s second goal on the season (13 games played) and also the closing arguments of any essay about why puck possession is more important that goals when predicting future success.
• That wasn’t totally fair. Johansson really was the Caps’ best forward. He had 4 shots and possession score in the black (plus-7 Corsi, unlike most of his teammates). I’ve still got my eye on him, but even if his goal was unearned he absolutely deserves credit for a great game.
• Basically counts as a shutout for Anton Khudobin as far as I’m concerned. Tell me I’m wrong.
• Andrew Ference scored as four-on-four play expired with a wristshot that was not adequately covered by the Washington D (stop me if you’re detecting a theme).
• The Capitals– or really just Matt Hendricks– kinda got suckered into playing Bruins-style puck. Lots of scrums after the whistle, troll-y provocation, and ding-a-ling measuring going on. That doesn’t really seem to be a good fit for the Caps roster.
• But the Caps roster doesn’t seem to fit anything. Case in point: Aaron Volpatti, a waiver-signing who one week later finds himself skating with Ovechkin and Backstrom for portions of Saturday’s game. Volpatti got a sweater instead of Perreault and Wolski for reasons mysterious and got a spot on the top line because he has the correct dominant hand. Oates seems to summarily eliminate wingers from top-line eligibility for such a reason, regardless of how much they (and really we’re just talking about Eric Fehr) can drive play.
• Ian was so bored by this game that he read the CBA. It was that bad.
• Alright, let’s try to unpack the end of the second period. Alex Ovechkin gave Brad “Cupcake” Marchand some grief, but somehow Mike Ribeiro got pulled into a fight. A noble enterprise by Ribs, but maybe unwise considering he weights 110 pounds and had never been in an NHL fight before. Matt Hendricks was so moved by the bout (or pissed that it happened) that he attacked Nathan Horton. Hendy got the best of him there, though Horton did earn a Gordie Howe for his blood.
• Hendricks had to choose between Thornton and McQuaid for another fight in the third period. Hendy chose McQuaid, tearing his jersey and bloodying his hand. Thornton drew an unsportsmanlike for his role in the run-up. The Caps did nothing with the resulting power play.
• Jason Chimera? Hahaha no.
• The Bs needed all of 8 seconds to convert a third period power play (Hillen for slashing). The Caps PK is rotten, but no one seems willing to take out the trash.
• Usually the team behind in the score starts shooting more to try to come back. That didn’t happen. The Caps, who rank in the bottom 10 in possession while trailing, actually saw their offense decline. Mind-bottling.

Joe B suit of the night

The Bruins are a better team than the Caps right now. It hurts to say it, but it’s true by every measure. The only virtue in games like this is what lessons the team takes away. Hopefully, that means acuity in the dangers of signing and playing sub-NHL defenders, the continued and desperate need for linemates for Ovechkin who actually drive play, and the futility of playing the goon game against a goon team.

At least the Caps get to feed at the trough of Buffalo tomorrow. That team is scorched earth.

I think tonight is when everyone celebrates St. Patrick’s Day. Please be safe. The Capitals’ Mike Vogel called this holiday “Amateur Night,” and he ‘s totally right. Try to avoid the dummies and be careful on the roads. Make sure you’re here for tomorrow night’s game at home.

There are some facts in the world that are undeniable: the earth is round, the sky is blue, and Brad Marchand is a diver.

On Sunday, after Jason Chimera clipped that “little ball of hate” en route to a Capitals goal, the Caps game entertainment crew showed a replay of Marchand falling to the ice, followed by a video clip of a diver jumping into a swimming pool. Caps fans went wild.

When notified of this by Boston reporters Tuesday, Marchand was adamant he plays the game honest. “For them to judge what knocks you down, they don’t know your balance or whatnot on the play. They’re sitting at home watching on TV. I don’t really care what they say. [Caps fans] have no impact on my game, my life. They mean nothing.” Same here, buddy.

Luckily for us, we’ve been forwarded an even better view of Marchand’s fall via reader @Athryn.

He’s right. We take it back. Clean fall, hockey play.

Photo credit: Patrick McDermott

With 42 seconds left in the second period, the Capitals tied Game Six up with a bizarre play that resulted in both Brad Marchand getting bloodied and Norris Trophy winner Zdeno Chara being faked out of his jock. Let’s review, shall we?

As Karl Alzner and John Carlson waited to breakout of the defensive zone, the Capitals forwards recoiled at the blue line and looked for a pass. As Jason Chimera curled, Brad Marchand was caught in no-man’s land and got partially clipped by Chimera’s shoulder. Marchand — known for being the diviest diver ever to dive — then dramatically plummeted to the ice like he was shot by a shotgun from close range.

Chimera smartly continued with the play and kept skating.

As Nicklas Backstrom advanced the puck into the Bruins offensive zone, he cradled the puck on his forehand, as if he were going to shoot, and froze Chara. He then threw the puck on to his backhand and dished to a streaking Chimera, who one-timed the puck home.

It was Chimera’s first goal of this year’s playoffs and the fourth playoff goal of his NHL career.

Though we often take shots at NBC coverage of Caps games, it’s playful ribbing of a shared suffering that all hockey fans endure sometimes. We are fully aware that there are worse fates, like being stuck watching on NESN with Jack Edwards commenting.

While Bruins fans seem to like him well enough, that’s not as much the case among fans of other teams, or those who value commentating that reflects what is actually happening on the ice. Case in point: Edwards’ radio appearance with WEEI after Game 3, wherein he describes a game and a series clearly occupying a reality separate from our own.

Edwards on Braden Holtby:

[The Bruins] did get more physical and they showed some creativity in getting puck to the front. They got guys there when they needed to, and they exposed Braden Holtby as a pretty good AHL goalie, which is what he is right now. He’s certainly not a top-flight NHL goalie.

On Dennis Seidenberg and his physical match-up with Alex Ovechkin:

What a stud this guy is. He actually relishes these incredible collisions with Ovechkin. They’re like the executive desk toy, the ones with the balls that you bang together, and they bang off in opposite directions. There have been at least half a dozen world-class collisions between those guys in the first three games, and Seidenberg comes away smiling saying yeah, this is really fun.

Edwards’ token “Dale Hunter was dirty” comment, plus suspicions that Dale may be spirit-walking in his players’ bodies:

Inevitably, teams reflect the personality of their head coach. There’s really no way around it in professional sports. You’re living together, in essence, every single day for six, eight, nine months at the time, someone’s tendencies tend to to wear off on you. Nicklas Backstrom has never done what he did, but he cross-checked Peverley right across the face, and you gotta suspend that, everyone is expecting him to get suspended for it. Hunter was one of the dirtiest players in NHL history. He was also one of those rare guys who was a very skilled, very dirty player, so that kind of masked his dirtiness. That’s like saying he was an assassin, but he was a really good shot.

The Shea Weber-Ovechkin connection:

The more difficult [disciplinary decisions] are for instance, the Shea Weber thing, because what a lot of people overlook was that Zetterberg ran Weber! We made mention of that last night, that Ovechkin at the end of the game ran Rich Peverley. There’s one second to go in the game, the puck is 200 feet away from where Washington needs it to be, and Ovechkin, instead of going in and trying to find the puck in his skates — he didn’t clobber him, but he hit him pretty hard above the waist, totally unnecessary to do that kind of thing. So Shanahan is in a tough spot.

On Brad Marchand and his diving:

I didn’t like the way he exaggerated the last time he went down, I can’t remember the exact instance of it, but I remember saying that it looked exaggerated. Marchand is tough player, and he is a guy who’s not afraid to go into any situation, but the referees know that as well, and he doesn’t need to embellish anything. He earns the number of power plays that he puts the Bruins on with his toughness, his aggression, and his willingness to get his nose dirty and/or broken. I don’t like the embellishment even a little bit, I think it detracts from the way the Bruins play. I don’t know if anyone spoke to him about it today, they didn’t skate, or if they’re going to talk to him about it tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

On the Caps’ discipline:

I think perhaps the most compelling dynamic of last night’s game, is that if you look at all three games, the Bruins have been getting better, and Washington has not been getting better. Washington came out locked down, loaded in Game One, and the Bruins really didn’t know how to bust into that hardened bunker, if you will. But the Bruins have been figuring that out, and they have been getting more and more physical, and I’m pleased at the lack of discipline shown by Washington.

The lack of discipline shown by Washington may be an indication that they are beginning to crack under the pressure the Bruins are bringing to bear.

Thanks to CSN Washington, let’s take a look at all the times the Capitals have cracked under the Bruins’ intense pressure.

Sigh. We like “New Jack” Edwards much more.

Part 2

Additional reporting by Ian Oland.

This is what Swedish revenge looks like. (Photo credit: Mark Baer, US Presswire)

The playoff series gives Caps fans a chance to learn all about our rivals and the exotic places they come from. For the first of their Stanley Cup travelogue series, the PuckBuddys offer “How To Spot A Bruins Fan” and helpfully explain why living in Boston is worse than gargling with cat litter.  

The Geography of Bad: Let’s just put a few things on the table. Some cities are horrible because of where they are. Tampa comes to mind. Not quite poor enough to be swamp trash, not quite rich enough to be coastal, it’s the worst of Florida compressed into one atomically fetid spot. Or take Winnipeg. God help anyone who has to go to Winnipeg.

Other places aren’t so much insufferable because of where they are, but because of who lives there. Philadelphia, for example, where entire generations have refined the art of being over-privileged and grating. Dallas, which is just about all we need to say about that hole. Or pretty much the entire state of Arizona.

That said, there’s a whole special category of wretched for cities that, were the Lord truly merciful, He would just dump into the ocean and pretend it never happened. Can you guess which blighted dung pile is featured in this week’s list of awful?

Ding ding ding! Boston, America’s capital of bedbugs and mange. And sitting atop it all are Boston Bruins fans. To help with this week’s influx of overly loud and underly mannered Bruins, we offer “How To Spot A Bruin.” You’ll thank us.

But first, let us briefly explain how curdlingly ghastly Boston is.

See Scenic Boston!

How Much Awful Is Awful?

We all know their entire team is terrible; from Coach Claude “Ratso” Julien to Zdeno “The Kraken” Chara to Patrice “Bite Us” Bergeron, they don’t so much compete as throw a 60-minute tantrum on the ice. I would say it’s hard to know where to begin, except it isn’t. Any game will do. Like Saturday, when we saw human blimp Tim Thomas taking pot-shots at not one but two Capitals and Brad Marchand– that sophisticated gentleman– grabbing hold of Nicky’s visor, giving it (and him) a good shake the way a cracked-up inmate might.

And we know that what passes for officiating during a Bruins game is just slightly less of a baggy-pants farce than Dancing With The Stars. Every bully needs a compliant tool to help them maintain their bully aura, and the NHL zebras are exactly that for the B’s.

And then, somewhere underneath all that, you’ll find the Bruins and their fans.

How To Spot A Bruins Fan

• “What Did You Say?” The Bruins fan is instantly recognizable not by what they look like, but what they sound like. At first encounter you may think you’re experiencing a bad case of tinnitus, but it’s most likely the Bruin. Operating in a register that psycho-acousticians classify as “annoying,” Bostonians don’t so much speak English as they torture it. Think of that sound the dentist’s drill makes on your molar and you have your basic Bruin.
• “Wicked Pissah!” Once you adjust to the shrill tenor of the Bruins’ voice, you’ll next notice that you can’t understand a thing they’re saying. ‘Perhaps they’re having a stroke?’ you might ask. Don’t worry. What you’re hearing is the Bruins jumbled jargon they call “speaking.” Semioticians such as Noam “Boston Red” Chomsky speculate this may be little more than an effort to confuse non-Bostonians, lulling them into a stupor so they might then steal your doughnuts.
• Giant Mutant Bumble-bees. Next is the native Bruins’ traditional costume. What’s white, black and gold, and covered in mustard stains? Either Don Cherry on a bad day or a Bruin. (Ha! A tw0-fer!)
• 

  Another good give-away of a Bruin: bad tattoos

  Shambles. Next, note the Bruins’ manner of movement, adopting a sort of shambolic shuffle between their seats and the Sam Adams beer stand. Experts have long been puzzled by this almost devolutionary quirk, yet Bostonians have been quick to adopt it as their own. I believe it was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who once said “…the native Bostonian, in all elements, possesses the grace of a swan…a really fat, drunken swan.” Or not, we don’t care.

• Seatmates. If all of these clues don’t alert you to being in the presence of a Bruin, there will be no mistaking them should you be unlucky enough to be seated next to them. You may notice the faint whiff of brackish water, or a vague nausea washing over you, as if you had just found forgotten baby diapers. But once the game begins there will be no mistaking them. They will be the ones with the blood-lust in their eyes. They will be the ones loudly sharing their complete lack of hockey knowledge. You will want to turn to them and ask,’Pardon good Sir, but why are you an idiot?’ You must avoid this temptation; go to your mental happy place, keep calm and carry on.
• The End. Finally, you will know a Bruin this week by how fast they scurry out of the Verizon Center when their team loses like crazed lemmings flinging themselves off a cliff. Think how quickly Timmy the Whale left after being harpooned by our Swedish fishermen.
  

  Actually Zdeno Chara

We could continue (and we may!) for sometime chronicling the waking nightmare that is Boston and the Bruins. But we also learned something else recently. For all their bluster, the will cracks just like anyone else. And we believe it has.

Oh, and I’ve just been informed it’s “Fatso” Julien. Wicked good!