Oy. (Photo credit: Patrick McDermott)

[Editor's note: With RMNB's Peter Hassett out in California for the week, the PuckBuddys recap the latest Caps loss.]

Sometimes, platitudes are the only comfort we have. Like “Third time’s a charm!”  Or “All in to win!” Or “Shomer f—-n shabbos!” Yeah, like that.

Be real. We went into this game feeling queasy; like Taco Bell Doritos Volcano Nachos queasy. Walking into Verizon we were already outscored two-to-one in the first two games; an unappealing start. Some pointed fingers at Coach Adam Oates‘ inability to instill discipline. (Those worries may have been answered by Oates’ curious decision to bench Marcus Johansson and Matthieu Perreault, and then re-start Matty.) Some demurred that the team is still learning a new coach and new style, and we’re willing to go some distance here. A few fickle fingers pointed at under-production by Ovi, Holtby, Greenie, Carlson…

Enough. Tonight brought one hard answer: the Capitals aren’t firing.

The first frame saw some testing on both sides of the other’s defense. Good efforts by Green, Backstrom and Ribeiro, and a surprising amount of icing from Montreal. Michal Neuvirth made several great saves (a few too close,) and we were hopeful with Nicky’s late flick to Wojtek Wolski until Ovi spoiled that. The PPs yielded nada, leaving both teams relatively balanced both offensively and defensively (though the Habs lead with hits.)

Second period: oh crap, 5 on 3? Ovi and Brouwer leave the Caps naked, yet Beags and Carlson, while never clearing it out, keep the Caps alive. Then with only :04 in the first PP, Plekanec cracks one in (with Markov on the assist) bumping the Habs up 1-0. Moments later, Andrei Markov (with Pacioretty) snaps one over Neuvy’s shoulder bringing the Canadiens up 2-o. Oxygen slowly leaving Verizon. Can it get worse? Yes. Rene Bourque sails it down the side and snaps it to Brian Gionta, who knocks it past Neuvy, tippling the score at 3-o. You want more? Francis Bouillon, on assist from Josh Gorges, blows one past a clueless Neuvy; Habs go up 4-0, Caps fans register their displeasure.

Third quarter squishes out with pretty much everyone in the wrong spot at the right time. Shots still favoring the Caps, although you’d never know that. Time dribbles by, our RMNB editors suggest a game recap isn’t even worthwhile. We soldier on, as does Matt Hendricks. At least someone’s trying. So is Beags to Chimera to Joey Crabb! Well at least John Carlson’s hair won’t get shutout, even though he’ll get one last penalty.

SCORE: Canadiens 4, Capitals 1

• Circus of the Stars: It’s not a perfect measure, and we’re sure someone (all of you) out there will get all up in our grill about this, but this game saw better performance by those who are supposed to perform. By that we mean the stars: Greenie, Alzner, Carlson, and our newest star, Tom Poti. Of course, performance ultimately means winning, and what we’re seeing so far is more appropos of the Washington Generals. Leading to….
• It’s Not All First: These last three games the Caps have performed generally well in the 1st, actually scoring and defending. We’ve seen deflation in the second, and belated rebound in the third, too late. So, let’s shoot more in the second and third, and defend better.  In fact the Caps have spent far and away the majority of their time on the ice trailing. So that means…
• Rebound Nobound: It’s easy to say, and hard to do; we get that. But we’re seeing too many one-shot runs at the goal. Ovi, Green and Ribeiro seemed to work it hard, but we’re just not working well on second effort. We’re trying to be kind here, people.
• Mains Tied Behind Our Arrière: The Capitals roster hosts some of the most talented hockey players alive. What is going on that we have our hands tied behind our backs? Penalties have been pummeling us – just about every time we get one of our guys on the bench the other guys sink the puck. Of course it’s not time to…
• PANIC! FIRE EVERYONE! FIRE BOUDREAU AGAIN IF IT HELPS!  Oops.
• Honk Honk Honk: So hurrah, Horn Guy is back home, and the crowd rallied. The fans are ready for better. Better yet:
• RMNB Rules: So here’s something to honk about – Fedor Fedin‘s analysis was cited in the CSN pre-show AND Joe B. quoted Olie Kolzig who was quoted in Ian’s post on Neuvy’s new goalie mask. Hey, victory where we can find it, right?
• Hero: Adam Oates is a bona fide hero. Hero play maker on assists, hero turn remaking the Bolts and Devs, freakin’ here Hall of Fame inductee. So OK, we said that. It’s unfortunate he need to figure out being top coach in an abbreviated season. But that’s what he needs to do. Be a hero once more, Mr. Oates.

What Did We Learn Tonight? (WDWLT): Well we hate to say this, but Neuvy is streaky. Offense is halting. Defense is filled with holes. In short, the team does not look good. Paraphrasing the newly-signed Flyer Mike Knuble from last year, the Caps are “…playing like clowns and losers.” Oof. They don’t need us to say that: it’s obvious. So guys, stop playing like that. That’s what we learned. Oh, and maybe Sasha was actually important for the Caps chemistry. Something’s obviously missing; unless someone can give us something better, we’re saying it’s Sasha.

Joe B suit of the night

What’s Next?: Stimulating Newark!  Home of hairspray, hopelessness and the Devils! (And haha, yes we know Newark is in New Jersey, even if we were but a bit confuzled about the exact Province of the Black Pit of Winnipeg.) We’ve said before that our biggest worries this season for the entire conference exist in our Southeast Division – looking at you Tampa and Carolina. But that said, the Devs are among out greatest threats in the entire conference. Patrick Elias, Ilya Kovalchuk – even old goat Martin Brodeur.

Repeat after us: the season isn’t over. The season isn’t over. The season isn’t over.

And remember – this isn’t our fault. Although we think our RMNB masters are beginning to re-think asking us to write the recaps.

Doug Johnson of Puck Buddys offers this game preview. @PuckBuddys.

[Ed. note: for coverage of Rene Bourque, uhhh... check out RMNB on Wednesday morning.]

The Pregame: Fun game! Everyone from a malfunctioning family, raise your hand. Or, if you’re in a public place, just give a little squee inside. Yeah, we thought so. Show me the person who says their family is perfectly normal and I’ll show you a glue-sniffing, trick-turning, psychopathic cat hoarder. You know: like [fill in hated politician here] Oh, biting wit!

And speaking of glue-sniffing (bet you thought it’d be sociopathy), we come to Wednesday’s game against the Montreal Canadiens. Les Habitants. You know: the Baldwin family of contemporary hockey. Or should that be the Donner Party? Either way, they eat their own to the amusement of all.

Oh you bet, we’ve all had a hearty laugh – a long, hard laugh – at the goonish antics of our Quebecois neighbors of late. Like watching the Spuckler family argument spill out onto the un-mowed back lawn, hurling rotting plastic chairs at one another as they jockey for “superiority” amid the weeds and used Timmy Hos coffee cups. Too much back bacon, eh?

The Puck Drop

Andrei Kostitsyn

Where to begin, presented with such a luxe buffet? Start with a hearty slab of Cammalleri’s trade… mid-game. Larfs! Kris Humphries divorce ended more graciously (or should that be John Huntsman? Oh… oops, that’s right… nevermind.)  Then again, at least according to PuckBuddys’ Habs correspondent Matt Skolnikov, Cammalleri “…was a prima donna that was all chiseled good looks and bags of beauty products in the locker room for touch-ups during intermissions but not, in my opinion, much of a hockey player.” Snaps high, girlfriend.

Beyond the other – many other – examples we could cite, the key point is that the Habs blow this season. Like [redacted, sorry guys!] blow. Les Canadiens (17-20-8) are at the bottom (ahem) of the Northeast Division, behind (heh-heh) the Sabres for Crimminy’s sake. They stink at home (8-8-1); they stink worse on the road (9-12-1); shorthanded goals have deviled them; and while they have a sorta decent PP, they munch at their primary job: goals in net (a lame 115).

Still, we – your humble PuckBuddys – have resolved to not face-wash Les Lame-o’s we’re playing, nor wriggle with delight at our opponents troubles. Which makes this whole enterprise rather comical. Whatever, here we go with

What Makes Them Hot

Lars Eller

1: Tish, I Love French!  Brian Gionta, gap-toothed menace Ryan White, and the seasoned Andrei Markov are all out on injuries, leaving the Habs to seriously regroup. Among those stepping up, center Scott Gomez. At 0G/5A, minus-2, he may not seem like a threat, but watch this kid; he’s been hot of late. Another colleague, Max Pacioretty (15G/17A, minus-1) sounds like something we’d put on a pizza, but of late he’s eating opponent’s lunch.

2: Bargain Bin. Carey Price is exactly who he is. His GAA of 2.551 isn’t King Lundqvist worthy (but almost exactly Racoon-worthy) but his .913 SA puts him right up among the best this season. Too bad he may not be playing for the Habs next season, or not. Halak or Price? It sounds like the Canadiens management may be lining up behind Price for contract renewal – perhaps at a large (don’t say it) price.

3: Loose Change: Erik Cole (17G/16A, plus-5), Danish treat and recent hattie Lars Eller (8G/9A, plus-1), and others; they all help. But Montreal’s forward play has been, ummm…lacking. So what if you’ve got hotties on the ice – can they score?

Why They’re Not

1: Home town! Teams are expected to play well at home. Teams from the elite of hockey are expected to whip opponents at home. Teams like the Habs – strike that, there is no other team like the Habs – are demanded to perform in front of the hometown audience… which means, win. This season, at le Centre Belle, the Canadiens have turned in a cringe-inducing 8-8. Hé Grenouilles, votre équipe pue!  (And by that, we mean Le Pew!)

4-time cup winner Gilles Tremblay

2: Shadows of Glory. This, even for us, is something we come to with humility. The Habs were (and we expect will be, some year) a fixture of hockey’s glory. Maybe it takes an original six fan to say this, but Montreal has been a hated favorite of mine. Boston? Dirty-playing dirt dicks, frankly. Les Habs? Right up there with the Wings: class, class, classy-class-class. Gordie Howe, meet Gilles Tromblay. Steve Yzerman? Jack Laviollette. Sergei Federov, here’s Guy Lafleur. Here’s the point, other than slobbering in fanboy daydreams: the Habs are a team of tradition, of longevity, and of class.

It is a sad fact that today, however, that tradition is rendered as little more than clown car. That, mes amis, will not end before this season. Nos bras meurtris vous tendent le flambeau, à vous toujours de le porter bien haut. Flambeau away, dear Habs; flambeau away.

3: One Word: Sasha-stacular! H8rs, the line forms somewhere between the men’s room and the exit sign. Our other Russians have mixed results – Ovi, who totes gets the whole “crash the opponent” thing, and the “crash the net” thing, too, except for the part where he actually gets the puck IN the net; and Dima – SCOARLOV! – who is showing every bearish sign of moving up and up save for the fact that he’s barely out of shortpants and is still a class act.  But we have to come back to Sasha Major. 11G/13A, plus-1? That doesn’t even start to tell the story of our heavy-metal, pipes-crashing, sniper-tastic Sasha of late. Good Sasha, you may take the stage.

Prediction

Because we’re dopes, we go out on the line. Caps 4, Habs 3.

The OT

The PuckBuddys, and the RMNB family, welcome a new addition this week. Specifically a huge, black-furred, long-snouted girl, with the adoption of retired greyhound racer and brood-mom, Uma. A home with boys isn’t quite complete without a a boy’s best friend, so we welcome her in all her giant rat-snaring, couch-hogging, mess-making fuzzy glory. Rats of DC beware: Uma is on the prowl. We <3 U.

Meme of the Night