[Ed. note: Jason Rogers, Sperm Whale captain and hockey Hemingway, is back for your amuse bouche. But be warned: do not take his insights as mere foam on the web: so far, he's been more spot on than Vinnie "Legs" Baggodonnouts. You are warned. Follow him now here. Thus endeth the editor's finger-wagging.]

Sasha needs an image consultant.

This will be the fourth of five meetings this season between our Caps and the Tropical Depressions, and it is time for this Washington team to decide whether it wants to spend May playing hockey or golf. Watch and learn.

The Mourning Skate: What is the length of one point? Is it the width of one puck crossing or not crossing the goal line? Is it the size of one of John “Towelie” Carlson’s skate edges slipping and giving the other team a breakaway? Is it the distance between wherever the first round of the playoffs is held and Jeff “Sgt.” Schultz’s favorite local golf course?

Rhetorical queries aside, three points now separate the Capitals from the final playoff spot. Now, if we know the Caps, there’s plenty of room for them to implode in on themselves with the unfathomable mass of a thousand suns and persist only as a hockey singularity, a black hole of puck the likes of which are rarely seen outside of Scottsdale, AZ. (Really dorks? We looked it up and it happens. Or, at least, so says Stephen Hawking. And you gonna argue with Stephen Flipping Hawking? Thought not!)

But that is also enough for the Washington Capitals to make the postseason and win, to follow the model of the Habs and Kings of seasons’ past and make an unlikely eighth-seeded run…and to tell Mike Milbury to trade it where the sun don’t shine. (heh)

In its final season of existence, the Southeast Division is going out less with a bang and more with a “meh.” But right in the thick of this maze of malaise are the Carolina Hurricanes, one-time Stanley Cup champions and current financiers of Alex Semin.

Is it surprising the Canes are in the playoff hunt? Sure. Is it mind-boggling why there is a professional hockey team in North Carolina? A louder, stronger “yes, y’all!” But with the Caps and Canes tied in points and Carolina having played two fewer games, the Capitals not only need to win, but they need teams like Carolina to lose.

They can do both on Tuesday night and kill two mocking birds with one stone, two surfers with one shark, or two Staals with one team, whichever is easiest for Carolina to understand. (We imagine it’s something to do with “bacon.”)

With that, it’s time to turn to the segment that launched a thousand Facebook statuses:

LIABLE TO LIBEL – A Baker’s Dozen Lies About Today’s Opponent

• When asked how he felt about receiving a huge new contract, Alex Semin took a slow drag from a cigarette and wistfully replied, “Complex.”
• Tuomo Ruutu’s name has the most U’s per capita of any developed nation.
• The Hurricanes’ mascot is a humanoid pig. This makes marginally more sense than their previous mascot, a still-life oil painting of Cam Ward eating a basket of Toblerones. 
• Eric and Jordan Staal now have a secret handshake that Marc isn’t allowed to do. It is called the “HurriShake.”
• Forward Chad LaRose was named after the protagonist of his mother’s favorite romance novel, narrowly beating out “Skylar LeSex” and “Rodrigo Musclegaze.” [ed: we loved those books!]
• In its proposal to purchase the Hurricanes, the State of North Carolina spelled the sport “hawkkey,” being utterly unfamiliar with it and assuming it involved birds and locks.
• In an ill-fated PR attempt, the Hurricanes tried to replace their ice with frozen sea water. The water would not freeze, and this actually made it easier for Alex Semin to dive. GET IT?!
• Eric Staal’s brow is premiering this weekend in Dreamworks’ film “Meet the Croods.”
• Sasha’s new contract with the Hurricanes is for five years– or 1,314,000 two-minute hooking minors.
• Hurricanes owner Peter Karmanos is lobbying the National Weather Service to name the first storm of the next season “Corvo.” It will affect very little and quietly move up the coast to Boston before all but disappearing.
• Fans have nicknamed Carolina’s roster the “Storm Troopers,” for their tendency to be anonymous, and miss a lot of shots.
  
• The Hurricanes’ trifecta of Joni, Jiri and Jussi has garnered an official grievance from the “J-Pronouncers Union of America”. Or should have. 
• Hurricanes practice was cancelled on Friday because the NC State men’s basketball team refused to vacate RBC Arena, holding the puck over Cam Ward’s head and telling him if he wanted it so badly he could simply “jump and get it.”

The Puck Drop: Do You Binky Swear? I’ve said before that the only thing more lethal than Steven “Binky” Oleksy’s fists is his Soviet-era good looks. I’m just Putin that out there. And like the tips of the Christmas-bulbed spires of the Kremlin, Binky looks sharp at the point. Whether pulling the string and back-skating two steps to give himself a shooting lane, or cycling the puck like a well-maintained Maytag, the Pride of Chesterfield, Michigan gives us a fresh dynamism that is consistent with an Adam Oates system.

We’ve gotten used to watching Mike Green botch the zone and quarterback the point with the stability and steadfastness of a ligament in RG3’s knee. Now we can watch Oleksy operate there, and while this kid is younger and rougher around the edges than a prepubescent porcupine, we have reason to believe the future will be bright. Or at very least, less Green.

No Kvetchin’ ‘Bout Ovechkin – Look, we need to have at talk about Alexander Ovechkin. If his contract were up today, maybe I wouldn’t give him $130 million. Maybe I wouldn’t sign him for thirteen years. But there may not be a more dynamic player lacing them up anywhere in the world. He is pure kinetic energy, raw power, and emotion set in movement with a quick hop-step.

Alex Ovechkin is a tidal wave that smiles and says, “Sorry, Penguin” before crashing on the beach on destroying a village. He is the word POW! wearing ice skates. I don’t care about his even-strength goal production. You know why? Because when he scored 65 goals in a season, people said, “Yeah, but is he a team player?” So Ovechkin started passing more, and people said, “Well what about evolving his game? He’s getting older.”

So Ovechkin stopped trying to do everything and found his sweet spot low in the circle on the power play. And guess what? He has become the exact weapon we need him to be. He is not just a big gun. He is the big gun. He is a cannon packed with dynamite, cocked and loaded and waiting for artilleriet Sergeant Nicklas Backstrom to trip the hammer. This guy is a leader, he is a captain, and his numbers are proving it.

“Why am I still playing?”

The Safe Word is “Mojo”: The Rise of Role Players – Detractors will tell you the Capitals’ roster is about as deep as Bruce Boudreau’s salad bowl, and this season the numbers have supported that. Once you move beyond the usual suspects of Ovechkin, Brouwer, Ribeiro, and Backstrom, few players have really distinguished themselves with offensive production.

But in today’s NHL, you can win by committee. If tonight it’s Marcus Johansson making great entries into the zone, tomorrow it might be Joel Ward winning possession scrums in the corner. Hockey is an experiment in the inescapability of cause and effect. Goals are built like pyramids, not ladders. Every goal is the result of a hundred little battles that were absolutely necessary to win. It is not a game of pacing yourself. It is not a game of futures. Hockey is a game a million consequent nows, won or lost by tenths of seconds and widths of skate blades.

It’s life, agony, and ecstasy unable to be parceled out or separated but a few times each game. But that, itself, is the point. If you spend all your time looking for the punctuation marks, you’ll miss the sonnet. The Capitals have players who can do the unglamorous things than win teams games. The question is whether they want it badly enough to bleed and fight for it.

The Late Line: And so I, like you, will be anxiously awaiting the drop of the puck at 7 pm in Raleigh. Good luck, God speed, and Go Caps.

AP Photo/Ted Richardson

[Doug Johnson of the PuckBuddys is back! And he has this preview. Yet another preview. Which, for the record, he doesn't need to do, he just chooses to do. He could stop at any time. Really. Just this one more. Go be co-dependent with him here.]

Morning Skate: Well fiddle-dee-dee. No sooner do we air out the Rangers’ stank from Verizon than the hillbillies from Hooterville return, bringing with them an undiscovered country of smell. Yes y’all, the Carolina Hurricanes are blowing back in, bringing with them their corn-pone, possum caps, crystal meth and Alex Semin, in something like that order.

Of course “stank” is something we all got a heapin’ helpin’ of this weekend. Must we really bring it up again – the juvenile penalties, the evaporating puck-management skills, John Tortorella’s stupid fat face? Apparently, yes.

Just what is happening in hockeyville? What is at the root of this existential struggle? I was contemplating this conundrum when a colleague at work asked me about the loud whooshing in the vent above my desk. “Is it blowing or sucking?” he asked.

Exactly.

Perhaps it’s just that the Capitals suck. Inconsistent play between and even within games, a superstar Captain who fans more than he shoots, and lines that seem more improvised than a John Cassavetes movie (ha!). Could it be that the 2013 incarnation of the Caps really aren’t that good across the board, and we should just focus on the 2014 rebuild?

Or maybe it’s blow. Yes, let’s stick with that one for a moment. As in blowing leads, blowing shots, and blowing opportunities, leading to the Caps faithful blowing chunks. I’m sure there’s an emoticon the kidz have come up with for that, but I can’t care.

Do you see the difference? Suck is what you are; blow is what you do. This dazzling insight, arrived at after at least, oh, a minute of thought, jibes with Peter’s ambitious analysis, though with much less of the word stuff and more of the… well I just don’t know how to finish that sentence. Ergo: the Capitals blow. And this is good news, because blow is fixable. Suck is forever.

The Puck Drop: Which, what a coincidence, brings us to Carolina. From its earliest days as South Carolina’s ugly little sister, North Carolina has remained one of the best reminders of why we might have been better to just walk away from that whole Civil War thing and leave good enough alone.

You would be hard pressed to find a place as simultaneously dull and ugly as North Carolina. Trust me on this: after spending just one week in Charlotte for the Democratic National Convention last year, it is one of the few spots on Earth that a tropical storm would improve.

Craig did this. The minx.

Sadly, the same cannot be said of the Hurricanes, née the Hartford Whalers, now residing in that pop-up book of a city, Raleigh. At 7-3 in the last ten games, they now seem to be pulling it together after a slow start, much like another team had been looking of late.

Of course, one of those losses was from us, here at home, when seemingly nobody came ready to play except Cam Ward, who — it must be noted– is performing better than any of our three current goalies and is infuriatingly cute. I would offer up performance comparisons here, but seeing as at least a few Hurricanes fans will have this read to them and mathematics is still legally considered “a demonye vice” in Carolina.

The Canes are simply playing better, and better as a team, than the Capitals right now. As are most teams in the Eastern Conference. And in other news, the Earth is still revolving around the sun. Moving on…

The Hot And The Not:

• Not – Missing, one Manimal; Answers to Troy. Early in the season, Troy Brouwer was performing exactly like we expected, tearing it up and generally playing like a robo-wolf wearing jetpacks and a katana. That said, he’s been weaker of late, adding just one goal in the last five despite logging serious ice time. We think we know the reason: Troy’s drought began at the same time he started started gassing it up about Alex Semin’s work ethic, right before our last game hosting the Canes. Coincidence, or something else, hmmm?! Did Sasha put the Evil Eye kabong on Troy? Is he so wracked with guilt about trash-talking a good player that he can’t perform? Am I just completely making crap up just for one more line of copy? I think you know the answer.
• Hot – The Sasha Line. Ugh, you know like when you break up, and you’re feeling pretty good about the whole thing, and a year later you run into each other on the street, and your hair is awful and your breath reeks and you’re wearing your “I just give up” stained sweats while they’ve lost 10 pounds and had their teeth whitened and smell like fresh peaches and are all like “Excuse me? Oh…oh Hi! Well just look at you!”? [ED: YOU'RE OVER-SHARING AGAIN]. That’s sorta what welcoming back Alex Semin once more feels like. 1/3 of the Canes top line, Sasha is scoaring, and even more assisting fellow line mates Eric Staal and the adorably named Jiri Tlusty do the same. We’ve faced some pretty good lines lately — see Pens and Islanders — but this may just be the best of them.
• Not -Ref You Cray!Is it possible that the NHL zebras have a thing against the Washington Capitals and are calling penalties on what other teams get away with? Hmmph. More possible is that some of the refs have their knickers knotted over a few Capitals players in particular, and I would rate it almost probable that one of those players is Alex Ovechkin. Let’s say that’s so, because why not. Then what? Do we think jawing the ref is really going to help him see the error of his ways? That puerile fan taunts help clear their souls? The PuckBuddys totally get the frustration, even letting fly with a few choice comments directed their way from time to time (read after three beers.) Boo hoo not fair fap fap, now just accept it and move on please.
• Hot – O Hai Nicky! We have a saying around our house. “You’re DUE, Nicky!” I guess it’s less a saying and more something we shriek at the TV. Anyway, Nicklas Backstrom remains one of the best all-around assets in the Capitals toolbox. Although not as good as last year, he’s good on the dot for us, he’s even better at landing assists, and was brilliant against Boston. Still, we’ve only seen 3 goals from him this season, way below where he wants to be and where we need him to be. It’s quite likely this is uninformed drivel, but Backstrom at 25 seems to be one of the most even-keeled guys in red out there.
• Not – Under Pressure. Even the Ecuadorian gas rats (look it up!) at the National Zoo can tell you that these next two games – Canes at home, Canes away – may well decide our playoff picture. Not so much in a point-counting way, although I’m told that’s still the way they do it. No, think spirit and energy. If this team believes they will defeat the Canes, and are able to do that, it’s going to be an enormous boost in esteem and confidence for this squad.
• Hot – Steve gOAleksy. What can be said about this miracle from Michigan hasn’t already been said? But let’s just bathe, for a moment, in the wonder that – at the moment – is Steven Oleksy.   …   There, bathed yet? Feelin’ fine? Because that is exactly what we need right now. Everyone feeling fine.

The Late Line: So here it is. Boston had it all over the Caps on paper, and what a thing of beauty that was. The Islanders should have been something approaching doable, until we were the ones that got did on. If I worked the book in Vegas, I wouldn’t be working the book anymore in Vegas. But be bold! Chaos is a ladder! And other Game of Thrones quotes I’m supposed to know!

Caps 3, Canes 2.

Sue me if I’m wrong. Or take it up with my bookie.

Doug Johnson: Puck Buddy, dog owner, hockey fan, public intellectual. Follow @PuckBuddys.  

The Pregame: So you gotta give credit where it’s due. Whatever your political leanings (ours is usually doubled over, holding our stomachs, in the loo) that ol’ Newton Leroy Gingrich gets points for some sassy thinking. Seems then-Speaker Stay-Puft, some six years into an affair with a young House staffer (and Tiffany connoisseur) named Calista, basically told his wife Marianne that she would need to “share” him with his mistress. (There we are in the loo again.) At least, this according to ex-wife Marianne – no, not the one he divorced while she was in the hospital, that was a totes different wife! – who basically told Newt to get stuffed. He dumps her, marries the mistress who promptly begins a powerful benziodiazepine regimen (we’re making that part up) and now all is lollipops, the end.

We bring this up, in part because it’s still a larf-riot, but also because we’re doing some sassy thinkin’ of our own. Let’s just say, completely hypothetical here, that you’re the GM of a professional sports team with loads of potential but some underperforming talent. What to do? You want to keep him; sure, who doesn’t? But maybe you could also find a comely, pliable team somewhere else that may just want to share a little of his upkeep and tending while making you look genius. Everyone wins, right?

And thus American civic life dies a muffled death.

The Puck Drop

Oh, hockey! It’s been kinda fun of late, watching the Caps down the Canes. To review: we’ve seen Cody get his first NHL goal, Sasha get the Caps’ first goal of this season, Mike Green light the lamp in an electric OT win (oh, so long ago), some general necklace kerfuffling, and, most recently, Alex Ovechkin’s unstoppable hammering (dismantling? humiliating?) of general annoyance and silly-named gnat Tuomo Ruutu. (Good luck with that whole ‘Finnish’ thing.)

This Friday night finds us once more in the land of bedbugs and kudzu; namely Raleigh, North Carolina, and the RBC Center. We’ve spoken already of the entire mythical nature of this “state”, and so shall trouble you no further with such twaddle. To wit:

What Makes Them (Or Us) Hot

1: Top or Bottom? Er…so, we’ve been a little surprised this season with the see-sawing and niff-nawing and general topsy-turveying in the Southeast division. Like riding the Vomin-ator at the Montgomery County Fair (which we strongly recommend, btw.) In just a few months the Caps have risen, and fallen, as the Canes have fallen, and risen, with both ending up where they began– Caps nearing the top and the Canes tripping to the bottom.

2: SkinnERRR! Jeff Skinner (12G/13A, minus-6) is, once again, back on the ice, to the delighted squeals of 45-year-old Canes’ fans and 13-year-old girls. Not that we’re making any equivalence here. His stats don’t tell the full story, as he is still stupid young and stupid talented. In the “nothing new here” category, we’re left with Ice Prince hatchling Eric Staal (11G/23A, minus-22) and the rest of the dumb team we choose not to identify because we’re hungry, frankly. Go look it up: the point is that it’s the same players doing the same star turns, but unable to capitalize on the Caps. But we love Skinner, only for his name-sake. It’s an Albany thing.

3: Everything Old is Neuvy Again. I can’t believe we’ve never used that line. Anyway, Coach Hunter’s decisions of late to stick with one netminder, then another, seems to be working out; rather than Coach Juggles’ constant swip-swapping between games. Vokoun has been good and getting seriously better of late; now it’s Neuvy’s turn. Our outing with the Habs saw our Baby Czech with 31 saves – some of them really outstanding — and 17 alone in the 3rd. If Neuvirth was rusty, he wasn’t showing any of it on teh ice.

What Makes Them (Or Us) Not

Tim Brent

1: Man Down. It may surprise you to know that we do not take any joy or pleasure in the injuries of any active player – be they NHL, AHL or younger; pro or amateur; friend or foe; hot or not. (We were contractually obliged to throw that last one in.) While we might be tempted to make an exception for the Pens, injuries just suck. On the Canes’ side, Joni Pitkanen and big rig Brian Boucher are out. For the Caps, we know the score: Tom Poti, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green. Nicky is “making progress”, and Greenie is out for surgery (we wish him speedy recovery.) You play with the team you got; sadly, some of the best will be on the sideline this game.

2: Record That. Real quick: the Caps are 25/18/2 and at the top (wha?) of the Southeast. The Canes are 16/24/8, at the round end. 12 points separate us; almost as many as separate us from the Rangers (10 in this case.) They’ve outshot us 92-100 over the last three, but then again, who hasn’t? And the result was 3 fat W’s for us. They’re even in home play (11/11) which is lame, and while we’re 8-12 on the road, that includes a disastrous trip to Canada or two, which leads us to thinking about boycotting Timmy Hos. Either way, the record points to what will be a Caps victory.

3: The Hobgoblin of Small Minds. Ever notice how we always have three of everything? Three Hots, three Nots, as if the universe cycled in tiny, repetitive loops? It doesn’t. Nor does hockey, and nor should play on any given night. Call me tiny and repetitive, but I’ve noticed a pattern in some of the Caps criticism of late. Sure, they cycle up and down, win and loss. The kind of stuff that encourages the boo-birds to come roost.

Statistics are the raw numbers that detailed what was; coaching is the nebulous act of predicting what you want, and finding the way there. Caps not on offense enough? Power play down, or up? Average odds of win or defeat XX when so-and-so scores, or fails to, in the first? We give enormous props to those who know this stuff cold. But, like horse racing, if it could predict the future, we’d all be rich. We’re not. They play the game precisely because there’s no telling what will happen. Odds be damned; play the game and enjoy watching.

Prediction

Our last bet was the Caps up 4-3 over the Habs; we were only off by 1 on the Caps side. (Stop looking at the other side, wise guy.) We still like our game calling odds. We have every reason to win this, which should give every bookie the hots for the soft-side bet. Still, we predict: Caps 3, Canes 1. Which means don’t you dare place a bet on this.

Meme of the Night

Huh?

Photo credit: Gerry Broome

The Washington Capitals last met the Carolina Hurricanes at home for the first game of the season. That game established the 2011-12 Caps as the scoring force we’ve been waiting for. Tonight was more of the same. More delightful, delightful same.

Right after the faceoff, Anthony Stewart redirected a Jay Harrison shot that Neuvirth wasn’t ready for. Jeff Halpern dove for his goal in the second. Soon after, Marcus Johansson provided a gorgeous saucer to Troy Brouwer, who scored effortlessly. John Carlson slapped a big one home on the power play. Cody Eakin scoared his first NHL goal halfway through the third thanks to a smart pass from Alex Semin. Alex Ovechkin slid the puck gracefully to points-leader Nick Backstrom, who executed the layup. Caps beats Canes 5-1.

• Wings.
• The Canes actually scored on their second power play of the night, but the goal was waved off when the ref lost sight of the puck. Since this is the sort of thing we kvetch about endlessly, it seems right to acknowledge incompetent reffing working to our team’s favor for once.
• Per a scoring change, Cody Eakin recorded his first NHL point ever!

• And then… Alex Semin on a semi-breakaway, dropping to the carrot-topped noob. Eakin holds the puck, eyes the net, and releases with the hand dexterity that only a 20-year old has. That game puck is headed back to the Burrow. (Pic via @SergeyKocharov) Not bad for 8:45 of ice time.

• Your best line of the night might have been the sleeper bunch of Matt Hendricks, Jeff Halpern, and Mike Knuble. They are three guys with somewhat overlapping skill sets, the kind you’d expect not to have much synergy. But you’d be wrong. No one worked harder than this trio, and I’d bet one of these guys is wearing the hard hat tonight.
• With his holding penalty tonight, Roman Hamrlik is clearly challenging #BadSasha for the team’s PIM crown. Roman has 10, Semin has 12. This penalty competition is the cause of Bob Woods’ irritable bowel.
• Little known fact: Eric Staal absorbed his twin sister in the womb*. Also, he speared Big John Erskine in the peepee and bubbles. All around bad guy.
• The lead-up to John Carlson’s (awesome) goal was Tuomo Ruutu rolling dirty on Dennis Wideman. After the hit from behind, the guy standing up for his brother was Mike Knuble, who played the tough guy convincingly.
• Overlooked in the goal romp is Michal Neuvirth, who was solid in his first full game since the last Canes game. 25 shots, only one getting through (and that one via deflection.)

Joe B suit of the night

So Bruce Boudreau did his line shuffling trick again. We really gotta stop doubting this guy; he gets results. Every time he puts Hendricks in the shootout on a hunch, or sits Ovechkin for a couple shifts, or puts Eakin out with Mojo and Semin, we should just shut our big dumb yaps.

The Caps’ record right now is  a lot – a couple – none. The team is clicking in every way, so enjoy your Friday night and meet us back here tomorrow night for a date with the Isles. I won’t be covering the game (ten-year high school reunion for the win!), so please scrutinize Ian’s grammar in my place.

* NOTE: This is not actually true. You really shouldn’t trust us.

Chad LaRose (Photo credit: Gregg Forwerck)

Editor’s note: Doug Johnson of Puck Buddys writes for RMNB. Tweet at his face.

The Post-Mortem: So, everyone happy?  At least those with Ward and Backstrom shirseys?  Luv U Caps, but we’re tired of writing the “Tale of Two Caps” (See: Hassett, Peter) - you know, the bedraggled guttersnipes everyone wrote off after the 1st period who then come back to show their true mettlel? Memo to Bruce Boudreau and team: We don’t need drama. We don’t want drama.  Please, enough of the plucky comebacks by the adorable yet overlooked (*cough Nicky cough Greenie*) boy heros. Dickens did it before, and better. (Although, Coach, you’d make a memorable Fezziwig). Memo to Ovi:  “In addition to Russian, we’re learning how to lip read. And then we’ll learn how to lip read Russian. быть осторожным!

The Caps had a couple of busy days off after the Ducks game. While Ovi was managing ’Bench-gate,’ Brooksie, Sasha, and Coach Woods visited the Kent Gardens Elementary for a hockey clinic in the school gym. They had Air Slapshot in tow – if ‘tow’ is the right word to describe dragging along an inflatable mascot (which looked like it had become untethered from a Pink Floyd show). The video and the pics from the day were adorable. However, reports from our McLean bureau (and the school nurse’s office) tell a different story – three school kids ended up on the wrong end of some O zone penalties. Neither the players or coach addressed ‘Stick-gate,’ but Sasha was heard muttering something in Russian (“Чувствительная кожа”), as he was hurried away from school grounds.

Floyd the Barber

The Puck Drop: I think it was William Faulkner who penned the immortal line: “The South is a foreign country you always return home to.” Or was that Yakov Smirnoff? Whatever. The Caps are back on the road for back-to-back games, starting first with a trip down to the land of boll weevils and cornpone to play the Hurricanes.

Eric Staal

It’s our second dance with the Canes this season, but the first in their barn. Skinner, Staal, Kaberle, and Ward figured to figure then, and are slated to rate this time around as well. Bieber Skinner was outstanding against the Bolts, (except for the fact that perma-puberty he’s dealing with), but there are other Canes we need to watch closely.

The Set Up: Last time around we caught some flak for suggesting this place called North Carolina was little more than myth. So we did a little research. Turns out, there is a North Carolina, and it’s just north of South Carolina. Think Branson, with a sour attitude and less culture (and less Yakov Smirnoff).

The natives speak something called Carolingian, which is like how English would sound if your mouth was stuffed with hominy and fatback (as it turns out is the case). They worship an odd Hoop-God, pretend to have “colleges” and “cities”, and make money by renting out flea-infested disease shacks (called “ocean-fronts”) to pale-skinned dopes from the North, while they sleep in trees. To this fetid mix we add the Hurricanes.

The Canes 5-4-3 start suggests both weakness and toughness (a neat rhetorical trick that we think would make Orwell spit up). Weakness by evidence of losing nearly ½ their outings; strength in knowing how to hang in tough at the end. To what do they owe this paradox?

What Makes Them Hot

Tomas Kaberle

1: Like We Said.  Staal, Ward, Skinner and Kaberle are all standouts this season. Between the four (uh, three, ‘cause Ward can’t exactly get points) they’ve got… well, hella points for the Canes so far. Generally speaking, any of these guys on any given night can be good. On a bad night – for us, say – they’re all impressive. Staal has dreams of his team contending on the big stage. We’d like to laugh derisively in his face (assuming we had a step-stool) but can’t, as these four on one team could be lethal. What they haven’t developed so far is true cohesion. But…

2: Like We Didn’t. Erg. You would think a bunch of bumpkins like the Canes would be polite enough to pay attention to our earlier picks. The rest, settling down like Junior Samples on Hee Haw. Not really so much. Chad LaRose (that is NOT a porn name– we checked), a 29-year-old smoker from southern Michigan (swoon) already has 11 points – most of those assists, which makes him a genuine threat. There are others… but frankly they’re not nearly as hot. So…Chad LaRose. (Next appearing with Maxime LeStick, we imagine.)

3: Upswing. Short and bitter. Carolina went into Chicago ready to be pecked apart by the Blackhawks, and – like Tippy Hedrin – they came out the victor. Then Tampa, which has long bedeviled the Canes, was disposed of. There’s nothing we like less than an opponent building a streak while we have to defend ours. Jerks.

What Makes Them Not

Jussi Jokinen

1: Jussi Jokinen.  Normally we’d be calling him things like the Finnish Flash, the Kalajoki Cracker or just “Here’s My Card, Sailor.”  Not now. The 28-year-old left winger with more talent than should be legal (did we mention he’s totally got it goin’ on?) will be out for the next three or four weeks with a leg injury. Looks like he twisted it bad in the Tampa game. Poor guy, but good for us.

2: Division and Conquer: Nine games under their belt and they hadn’t won a single one in their division until Tuesday’s game against the Bolts. Staal may aspire to greatness, and may in fact find it in the future. The Canes –for the foreseeable future – we declare out-classed in the Southeast. Have at it, h8rs.

Crash the Net: We’re going on record as not liking the whole “Stink the first part/comeback the second part/nail-biter in the third” thing, yes? We’re not always on the best ice in other cities. The Canes (and Bolts) particularly have deviled us over the years. We think it’s all the pig-barbeque fumes. Whatever: Caps, strap your pork tight (Carolingian for ‘grab your sacks’), and play hard and fast from the outset. There, I guess we’re qualified to do a guest segment with Paula Deen now, eh?

The OT: Oh, that quote wasn’t Faulkner. Or Eudora Welty. Or Bear Bryant or Bocephus or any other giant of Southern “culture.” We just cold made it up. Boom! See that, South? That’s how we play up here! Oh, and please feel free to use that quote liberally in the future.

As Seen On TV:  Tune in at 7:00pm on CSN for another episode of The Bickersons, starring Joe B. and Locker, and for viewers down on Tobacco Road, point your backyard satellite dish up towards the heavens and pray you get a signal.

Screengrab via @TFGot.

In the Capitals thrilling 4-3 overtime-victory against division rival Carolina, there were several bigs hits of note. Nicklas Backstrom rocked Jiri Tlusty’s world with a fantastic counter-hit and Alex Semin decked Hurricanes Bryan Allen at the end of regulation.

While Backstrom’s hit was totally clean (shoulder to chest), Sasha Minor’s hit was borderline dirty and 2,000 percent unnecessary. Don’t believe me? Check out the video.

Semin slashes then throws his shoulder into a defenseless Allen from behind and knocks him towards the glass head-first with no time left on the clock. “I was going to shoulder to shoulder,” Semin explained to The Washington Post. “But he was very far from the boards.” While Allen was fortunately not hurt on the play and Semin was only given a two-minute minor for boarding, the check was reckless and could end up being reviewed by NHL discipline czar Brendan Shanahan.

Sasha, who sometimes plays with a bit of an edge when frustrated, has actually had the NHL wag their finger at him once before. Last year during the Capitals eight-game losing streak, Semin lost his cool after being cross-checked by John Michael-Liles and took justice into his own hands.

Ouch. Semin was fined by Colin Campbell but not suspended.

Regardless of what discipline may or may not be handed down by the NHL, Semin may have already endured his fair share of retribution. During the resulting melee in the corner, one of the many necklaces he wears during games was ripped off his neck.

Semin wasn’t too happy about it either. “He broke my chain on purpose, I think,” he told Slava Malamud in a Russian interview after the game, referring to ’Canes defenseman Tim Gleason.

At least we know one thing for sure: Sasha certainly cares about his jewelry. (Sorry, I had to.)

Photos

Screengrabs via @TFGot

Fantastic photos taken by @jlrpuck from her seats in Section 117.

Photo credit: Nick Wass

It’s been a long time. The Washington Capitals are back in action, opening up their 2011-2012 season at home. Hosting the Carolina Hurricanes, the Caps have a lot of drama in their rear view, and a lot of questions to answer. Goalie drama, Alex Ovechkin’s return to glory, Sasha cares, the new guys, offensive doldrums. You’ve heard it all before. Get ready for some answers.

In the second period Eric Staal put the puck past a sucked-out Michal Neuvirth. Hooked up by a smart outlet pass from John Carlson, Alex Semin guided the puck in to tie it up. That near-goal Jason Chimera breakaway thing happened for the billionth time, but Jason finally hit his target. But Eric Staal tied it up early in the third by waiting in the right spot. On a climactic 5 on 3, gorgeous Brooks Laich returned the rebound. But with the extra skater, Jussi Jordache Jokinen snuck one past Neuvy. In a penalty-ridden OT, Mike Green served the puck into– and beyond– Boucher’s love-making region. Game over. Caps win 4-3 (OT).

• Lemme open with this: The Capitals have snapped the Curse of the Oil Painting.  Having lost four consecutive and not unimportant games since we posted that story, the Caps have said they are masters of their own destiny.
• For such an early game, it’s odd that we got the leftover goalies. The Canes gave Cam Ward the night off after he gave up 5 the night before, so Brian Boucher got the nod. With the team that we actually care about, Tomas Vokounwas the one with the numb rear end. His services will be more dearly needed against the Bolts and Pens this week, so we’re happy to see our boy Neuvy out there.
• I don’t like the term “new-look”, so I’m not gonna use it. But these Capitals had a somewhat novel appearance tonight.
• The Caps were really in control tonight, with 17 scoring chances to Carolina’s 11.
• Sasha cares. But you already knew that. But perhaps too much, as Alex Semin‘s check-from-behind in the closing moments earned him a stupid penalty and may earn him a suspension under the new Brendan Shanahan regime.
• Joel Ward‘s assist on Jason Chimera’s goal was his 100th NHL point. This would be a lot more meaningful if the 99 before it weren’t for some other team, but still: well done, sir.
• Eric Staal was well vetted in our pregame (big ups to the Puck Buddys for that post by the way), and for good reason. His 6 shots and three points made him the biggest threat on the ice. Nice work by the opposition.
• Semin’s and Chimera’s goals were showstoppers, but the team can’t rely on that style for production. We’ve yet to see the reliable bank of scoar from which we’ll be withdrawing all season.
• Mathieu Perreault, who made the roster by doing well in games that don’t count, acquitted himself quite well tonight. He was on-ice for 4 scoring chances, 2 of which he created his own damn self. Might as well rent an apartment in Ballston or take over Karl Alzner’s guest room; he’s gonna be around for a bit.
• Mike Knuble had at least four opportunities for kanoobing tonight, but converted none. It’ll happen.
• Brooks Laich‘s  crucial goal was his first since March 15th.
• Finally, congratulations to Sarah M. who won RMNB’s first-ever pick em’ contest. Ian promises your prizes are in the mail.

Joe B. Suit of the Night

It feels good to be back. Just 1/82nd into the campaign, and we’ve already seen some riotous hockey fun. Yeah, it was a slow start, but c’mon! Halfway into that third period, didn’t this feel just like the kind of Caps game you love? High-scoring, unnecessarily dramatic, Craig Laughlin saying things that don’t really make sense, and the big hero moment! You see that net– the one Brian Boucher was in front of? That thing was thoroughly crashed.

I loved this game. What did you think?

See you on Monday.

Additional reporting by Neil Greenberg, who gets tweeted at a lot when Chimera scores.

[Editor's note: We are proud to welcome writers Craig Brownstein and Doug Johnson to the Russian Machine! You might already know Craig and Doug from their gay-focused hockey blog, Puck Buddys. You are hereby required to follow them on Twitter: @PuckBuddys. Puck Buddys is increasing its scope from Caps-centric coverage to the whole NHL, so you'll see C+D here a lot, especially for game previews. Please give them a very warm welcome and let us know if they break anything expensive.]

And now, a new season kicks off with an ominous sign of the Hockpocalypse - teh gays are now writing about the Caps for RMNB: a risky collaboration between the established Russian royalty (or oligarchy), and the gauche, nouveau riche upstarts.  The cheeky bastards of the hockey world will occasionally share insightful analysis, anatomy lessons, and keen fashion sense with a wider cross-section of the Caps fanbase. The questions on everyone’s lips?  1) Who’s going to embarrass the other first?  Answer: We’re demonstrating that right now. 2) How did RMNB end up with us? Answer: Dave Nichols of District Sports Page already grabbed all the talented free agents.

It’s been a tough summer, our first official offseason. Since we last left our rink-side heroes, the economy is still falling like Sasha’s many unexplained losses of balance; the earthquake did as much damage to the city as Tampa Bay (and wrecking the one pure thing in DC); and America’s most high profile hockey mom, Sarah Palin, is…well, still Sarah Palin. In other words, stasis. During the Dog Days, our hockey hunger was temporarily sated by Dev Camp, the rookies, training camp, the Alumni Game (Go Team Locker!), and finally, CapsCon.

We’ve been watching the pre-season (mostly) closely, scoping out the Baby Caps, GMGM’s seasoned vet additions and the many new names, faces and sweaters around the NHL (Hi, Stecks!).  And speaking of that former Caps fan fave, we’re glad he wound up with the Leafs; it’s home to our #1 fave hockey dad, Brian Burke. But enough about friends, let’s look at Saturday night’s foes, the Carolina Hurricanes.

First off: they’re from somewhere called “Carolina.” We’re told there are actually two Carolinas, but we’re not so sure. The Hurricanes are actually immigrants from Hartford, where they were once dressed as whales, occasionally beached. But that’s so 1970′s – get with the new economy – anything worth a crap now lives in the South, like Hank Williams, Jr., who is our choice to host next year’s NHL Awards show. And to be honest, he’d be a marked improvement over Jay Mohr. If we were writing Hank’s opening remarks for the evening, we’d have him liken President Obama to Gary Bettman.

But we have all season to high-stick the Commish, let’s talk hockey. After a gypsy season or two – we call this the “Carolina Homeless” era – the Canes settled comfortably in Raleigh, which we pretty much liken to the the fictitious sit-com town of Mayberry. Among North Carolina’s other significant contributions to culture are pig-pickin’, douchey Duke snots and creepy Senators. Still, despite our city slicker snickering, Raleigh hoisted the Cup, which is more than we can say at this point.

The Canes racked up only one win in the preseason, blanking the NKOTB, the Winnipeg Jets. We won’t read anything into those September contests, since the Caps too, played spotty, prompting immediate and panicked calls for the firing of both Coach Boudreau and GMGM.

Tomas Kaberle

Beginning nowhere in particular for the Canes is 4-time all-star Tomas Kaberle. Or more accurately, Tomáš Kaberle, a Czech-born former Bruin of with great skills.  We get a little dizzy typing Tomáš into the Google – not that there’s a lot of Czech-born ‘models’ named Tomáš or anything – but it’s clear Kaberle brings experience to their squad.  Sure, the 33 year-old D-man has a bit of grey in the beard, and perhaps he fizzled a bit in the last playoffs, but he’s big (215 lbs) and aggressive…and has something only two others on the Caps have: the magical and elusive NHL championship ring.  On the subject of precious rings, we’re staying away from the booth on opening night because the sight and sound of 20,000 Caps channeling Smeagol may be a bit too much for us.

Hewing closer to the more youthful demographic is Cam Ward, Conn Smyth winner in 2006, and still among the best goal-tenders in the NHL. A Saskatoon native, the 27-year-old Ward isn’t to be mocked, on the ice or off. (Serious cute on this guy). Although 2010 was a sort of crud year for him due to injuries, that’s nothing compared to what the Caps have seen previously. A lot. A whole lot. Our boys will need to pick his lock on Saturday night and in the five subsequent match ups with this squad.

Eric Staal

The Top Cane, Eric Staal, brings his family’s “I’m Eric-the-Vampire-from-True-Blood“  Nordic good looks back for another season. 26 and freakishly tall, the ‘Canes captain is ridiculously talented, and sibling to, at last count, 14 hockey-playing brothers.  Mmmm - that’s some good DNA! He boasts mad skills yet occasional bad judgment, which could be his undoing when facing our newly fortified D (Hi, Roman! Remember us from the autograph session at CapsCon?).

The Biebs

Without getting typically gay fanboy, Tiger Beat gushy, we can’t look at the Canes and not take a shot at the NHL’s very own Justin Beiber -  Jeff Skinner [Peter: This should boost your SEO. BTW don't forget to remove this note before posting!]. 19 years old… wait…just let that sink in: 19. We have socks older than Jeff Skinner. Apart from his yucks-inducing name for any Simpsons fan, the shortish (5’11″) Toronto-native is a natural, having made the rare transition from figure skating to hockey (a move that we pray Johnny Weir never considers).

In his first NHL season, he smoked it up for Carolina, and the Calder winner has franchise hopes riding on his slender and delicate shoulders, almost like a young Ovechkin many years back. Well…maybe not Ovi. Sasha, perhaps, as long as we’re speaking about delicate.  Either way, the Carolina tween is someone with talent but has a lot left to learn – most notably about fighting. He can find the twine but can he deliver and take a punch? Sure he danced with Kris Russell of the Blue Jackets during the preseason, but that was kid stuff.  Hell, even we could beat down Russell, and we fight like girls (correction: mean girls).  Maybe not on Saturday, but if he keeps dropping his dainty little mitts, at some point, the Canes’ Beebs may get that ominous page over an arena PA system: “Mr. Jeff Skinner, RED courtesy phone - Matt Hendricks is holding on Line 3.”

At the other end of the Canes age spectrum is Bryan Allen, a well-traveled, 31 year-old, 6’5″ 225lb monster, and quite possibly a nice addition to the Canes D. Weird to single him out? For us, not so much – he’s a handsome SOB.

Which leaves us back at the topic that brought us here. Men? No, hockey. Or, more explicitly, hockey men. Until the apparatchik at RMNB ask us politely to leave (or have us kidnapped and buried in shallow graves outside of Frederickgrad), we’ll continue scribbling occasional thoughts on the side of hockey that the tourists never see.

Anze Kopitar celebrates a goal last year against the Blackhawks. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Editor’s note: You can win a 1-year subscription to ESPN Insider and a $25 gift certificate to Front Page VA by guessing Neil’s first two draft picks tonight. Check out the details on our Facebook page.

As part of ESPN.com’s NHL family, I was invited to participate in their fantasy hockey draft this past Tuesday. Just me and guys like Craig Custance, John Buccigross, and Scott Cullen.

No pressure.

Victoria Matiash has already given a bird’s eye view of the draft, but I thought I would run through my thought process on various picks and give you some ideas for your fantasy draft. Plus, you can see how I do for the season because we are making the results public.

Here were the ground rules for the draft:

Participants included, in original order, Craig Custance, Tristan Cockcroft, Tim Kavanagh, John Buccigross, Pierre Becquey, Michael Hume, Victoria Matiash, Neil Greenberg, Sean Allen and Scott Cullen. Categories include goals, assists, power-play points, plus/minus, penalty minutes, shots on goal and average time on ice for skaters and wins, save percentage and goals-against average for goaltenders. Slots to fill include nine forwards, five defensemen, one “utility” skater, two goaltenders and a five-man bench.

My philosophy was simple: grab young, healthy, talented players with upside. Let others worry if Patrick Kane would be healthy or if Sergei Kostitsyn can once again score 20 goals on less than 100 shots.

I had the eight pick. With my editor Mike Hume drafting before me (he knows which players I fancy) and Cullen having back-to-back picks behind me I knew I had to make strategic decisions.

Not surprisingly, Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, and Daniel Sedin went in the first three picks. Hume knows I think Corey Perry was no fluke, so the chances of him dropping to me were nil. That left me with Anze Kopitar (who I think will contend for the Art Ross) or Henrik Lundqvist as my first pick. Luckily for me, I got both of them.

My third choice was also an easy one: Duncan Keith. His boxcar stats may have fallen, but he is as fundamentally sound as he has ever been, and he remains my preseason favorite for another Norris-caliber performance.

My next pick caused some raised eyebrows:

Also noteworthy was Greenberg’s choice of Jeff Skinner ahead of Eric Staal. Ranked higher in ESPN.com’s projections, the captain of the Carolina Hurricanes is expected to put up superior numbers across the board. But obviously, Greenberg preferred to put his fantasy faith in the reigning Calder Trophy winner.

Fantasy hockey is about looking forward. While there is no doubt Eric Staal is a 70-point player, Jeff Skinner is (conservatively) a 60-point player who could put up over 70 points next year. So I got a player who may put up five points less or 10-15 points more than Eric Staal. In a rotisserie league with hockey geniuses it was worth the gamble, in my opinion.

I struggled with my fifth pick a little. I had Phil Kessel, John Tavares, and Loui Eriksson queued up but pulled the trigger on Kessel, thinking that one or both of the others would be there for me on my next picks.

I was right about Loui Eriksson, who I took with my sixth pick, but not Tavares, who went three picks before me in round seven.

With Tavares and Matt Duchene off the board, both of whom I think can post 30 goals in 2011-12, I decided to shore up my goaltending and took Jimmy Howard.

A quick note on goaltenders: I only considered drafting Henrik Lundqvist, Pekka Rinne, Cam Ward, Jimmy Howard, or Corey Crawford. Why? Too long to explain here, but I did some analysis on when goaltenders have their breakout season based on age and experience and these five fit the bill. I did the same thing last year and had only two goaltenders on my list: Pekka Rinne and Cam Ward.

In round eight I took Joe Pavelski, which was a solid pick there and then my first miscalculation of the draft came at the hands of Scott Cullen.

I feel Jamie Benn is this year’s sleeper. I think he has 30-goal potential and could end up surprising many people. With my ninth pick I took Evander Kane, thinking Benn would slip past another four picks. Nope.

Cullen: “I’ve been touting Jamie Benn going back to the second half of last year, when his ice time went up dramatically; he’s been my preferred pick as a breakthrough/sleeper forward since. So, by the ninth round, when I had already addressed all my positions to some degree, it felt right to take a young player that has a chance at 70 points. “

If you have a chance to pick up Benn in your league, do it.

Right now. I’ll wait.

It will be him and Eriksson that pick up the slack left by Brad Richard’s departure, not Michael Ryder. In the draft room Hume asked how many of Benn’s goals the last two years came via a Brad Richards primary assist. One. And Richards had only one secondary assist the year before that. Benn is the real deal.

I took Alex Pietrangelo after I misjudged the “sleepiness” of Benn. The D corps looked to be thinning after Dion Phaneuf and James Wisniewski were taken off the board, so I grabbed Pietrangelo. “Good for 45 points, I think he’s a solid fantasy pick.”

Next picks were unremarkable, but ones I believe have some big upside: Erik Karlsson, Tyler Ennis, Patric Hornqvist, Tyler Kennedy, Mikael Backlund, Patrik Berglund, Jakub Voracek and Nathan Gerbe.

I did have two moments of weakness where I got homesick and drafted Dennis Wideman (15th round) and Brooks Laich (20th round).

So there you have it. Be sure to check out how I am doing from time to time. Also, if you would have drafted differently or just want to comment on the draft in general, let us know in the comments.

Ovi sports his new gear. Click to enlarge. (Photo credit: Bauer)

Photo credit: Chris Gordon

The world’s most famous hockey player has got some new gear. After dropping CCM over the summer, Alex Ovechkin unveiled a new six-year sponsorship with rival manufacturer Bauer, whose equipment Ovi used for the first three years of his career. This is Ovechkin’s second new sponsorship of the week after news of his long-term deal with superpower Nike for “lifestyle” and “performance” products surfaced on Thursday night.

“I think that CCM treat me well,” Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday afternoon. “They help me a lot and without that project I can’t score 65 goals. But in that kind of moment and that kind of situation right now, I feel that Bauer is company who I’m looking forward to work with. I played with this stick a couple years ago and I like it.”

The move doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. With Ovi’s ditching CCM — and therefore their parent company Reebok — that left Bauer as the only company with the cash to pickup a superstar endorsement.

The move was also teased on Bauer’s Web site over the holiday weekend, with their home page sporting a picture of skates with the Great Eight’s trademark yellow laces and the banner “This year will be different.”

And the biggest giveaway? Well that would be the fact that Ovechkin has been sporting Bauer gear for the last week during informal practices at Kettler Capitals Iceplex.

Ovi showed displeasure with CCM equipment at times — especially their frangible sticks — leading him to switch to Bauer twigs that were simply spray painted over before CCM’s corporate overlords put a stop to it.

“He’s very, very confident in his new equipment and we think that’s half the battle,” Capitals owner Ted Leonsis said of the switch. “It’s like a golfer with new clubs. He’s been trying his hardest to try to break a stick and so far they seem indestructible and that makes us all smile.”

Bauer and Ovechkin are also donating 108 full sets of youth hockey equipment to the Ketter Capitals Iceplex and Potomac Valley Amateur Hockey Association in the DC area, along another 108 sets to the Dynamo Hockey School in Moscow. In addition, the Caps presented the PVAHA with a donation of $25,000.

Ovi and Uncle Ted laugh after the press conference. (Photo credit: Chris Gordon)

Ovechkin will be featured in the company’s upcoming marketing campaign for their new Vapor APX stick, along with Bauer’s “growth strategy” for expanding their brand in Russia and other parts of eastern Europe.

“That sport is as iconic to that country as it is in other areas of the world where it’s really, really important,” Bauer President and CEO Kevin Davis said. “We know that there’s a tremendous amount of population of players out there and we know how much business that we do so, from a market share perspective, there’s lots of opportunity in that country.

Ovi is just the latest player added to Bauer’s list of star sponsorships which already includes his buddy Nicklas Backstrom plus Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Steven Stamkos, Henrik Lundqvist, Eric Staal, Mike Richards, and Ryan Kessler.

But there is a sad aspect to all this, and that is the end of the ridiculous decapitated head series of CCM commercials. We only hope that Bauer’s — and Nike’s — PR firms can come with an equally terrible idea that perfectly matches Ovechkin’s acting skills.

Photos

Ted Leonsis speaks to young hockey players in attendance. (All photos by Chris Gordon; click to enlarge)

Alex Ovechkin greats Bauer President and CEO Kevin Davis.

The Capitals’ new radio voice John Walton MCs the event.

Ted Leonsis, PVAHA President John Coleman, Alex Ovechkin, and George McPhee present a check for $25,000 to the PVAHA on behalf of the Capitals.

Ovechkin and Leonsis share a laugh.

Alex Ovechkin, Bauer President and CEO Kevin Davis, and George McPhee pose for a photo with the kids.