Stop showing off, Nabokov. (Photo credit: Nick Wass)

Ed. Note: In our continuing quest to bring you the least crappy product possible, we’d like to welcome Ana Hansen of the blog Hockey Yelling to the RMNB team. Ana, a 22-year-old English major at William & Mary, is witty, creative, and mentally unstable. So uhh you better give her a warm welcome in the comments below or else. You can follow her on Twitter here.

Hello Caps world! In the place of your regularly scheduled coverage you’ve got me tonight. My condolences, but not too many of them, because a hockey game happened, and that’s more important than anything else.

We lost this game, which I hope does not mean that I’m bad luck. I will be carefully monitoring this issue from here on out.

To the game, somewhat reluctantly I guess. We were supposed to win this one. The Islanders are not a particularly lethal team, but when they’re given this much space, even they can stumble into a few goals.

Tavares opened the scoring with a redirection on the PP, and the first person to mention his scoring streak gets a punch in the kisser. Parenteau made it 2-0 on a joint effort from Carlzner, Alzner with the giveaway and Carlson screening his own goalie. You’re welcome, Pareteau. Parenteau converted on the PP for his second of the night but luckily by that point, you were probably too numb to feel it. Caps lose, 3-0. Gross.

Dmitry Orlov in 'The Predator Returns.' (Via carrotbazooka.tumblr.com)

• There was no offense to be found in all of the land. Caps somehow managed to make it to the middle of the game with only 7 SOG. The team went for Starbucks and left the Islanders to do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game. Vokoun wishes he could say he wasn’t used to this.
• Speaking of Tomas Vokoun, he was still pretty sharp in his tenth straight start, goals against regardless. The only problem  for the Vokeswagon anymore, in fact, is the nickname “The Vokeswagon.” This is not intimidating at all. Suggestions are welcome.
• John Carlson and Karl Alzner have been replaced by evil body doubles. I am thinking conspiracy. People in high places are involved.
• Former Cap Milan Jurcina misses his old team terribly and wanted to pitch in somehow. Thanks for the two penalties, Juice! Not like we did anything with them but we appreciate the thought nonetheless.
• The all-net-crash Knuble-Laich-Brouwer line should not be good. This defies every law of reason. Somehow, though, they managed to have some of the only dangerous shifts of the night.
• Evgeni Nabokov was good or whatever, I don’t want to talk about it, it’s not like he had a lot to do. I hope he gets traded to Tampa Bay forever.
• Even during an abysmal first period, Brooks Laich was still man enough to go down and block two shots on the PK. He deserves some loving for that. Ladies, get in line.

This game was such bad news. It was such terrible bad news. Trade Ovechkin. Send Vokoun to the AHL. Burn the Verizon Center.

Joe B suit of the night.

Nope.

You don’t have to be happy about what’s going on right now, I don’t blame you if you’re not. You have to put some kind of emotional investment into being a fan, which means you get a little crushed when your team puts up total nonsense like this. It’s okay to still love them, though. They lost this game, bad–this is a bad place, but they’re not going to be here forever. You’ll be here to see it when it turns around.

Have faith. Montreal tomorrow. Let’s go Caps.

Editor’s note:  Puck Buddys. @PuckBuddys. Read.

The Pre Game: So my doctor says I need to relax more. He suggests writing: it’s solitary, quiet, and engages the “more refined aspects” of our minds, he says. Which is funny, considering that the more I think about Long Island, the harder I find it is to type with clenched fists.

The Puck Drop: It’s difficult to know what to say about the 516 that is refined. Or funny. A better word is sad. It’s a place where ‘ugg’ boots aren’t a brand so much as a reaction to the Designer Shoe Outlet knock-off sleds that women strap on to their feet. A place where professional people dress like it’s Halloween every day. Like I said, sad, really. That such an idyllic spot could be inhabited by so many groaners perhaps argues that God indeed really did die, or at least go on extended vacation, thus leaving Creation in the hands of people who consider Billy Joel relevant. But enough theology.

As far as the Islanders, they haven’t been a role model for decades. Save, maybe, for people who suffer from Imposter Syndrome for good reason. Heck, just insert any “X” into the X > Tebow meme, and replace Tebow with the Islanders, and you get the idea. “Godfathers Pizza > Islanders.” Gold.

However, as we have learned from honey badger, it’s hard to kill a desperate, angry animal.  And so – ewww! – we give you -

What Makes Them Hot

John Tavares

1: Really? Barf. OK.  John Tavares. Hey, I’ve gotta grab somebody, right? And he’s about as good a body on the Isles you could find. He’s young, but not crazy Ryan Nugent-Hopkins young, and he’s thick for a guy who’s only 6’ (and that ain’t Ovi thick we’re talkin’), and he’s actually good. Well, the best they’ve got: 8 goals this season – even if they weren’t always artful – makes him a player to beware.

…

3: Fishsticks. We don’t have three good things to say – and we tried! – about this crew as it stands, so we’re skipping #2. And how is it even a crew? Serious: look back at the game replays; they’re not so much a team as they are a bunch of well-compensated dopes circling around the rink like they’ve never met. And this is the proud heritage of New Yorker salts who gave us salted cod and the Gorton’s Fisherman? Yeah, OK: they, like just about every other team we’re better than now. Banners recalling Cup victories? Lovely. Hope they keep you warm at night.

What Makes Them Not

1: The Past. Apart from three wins earlier this season (two from the Wild and the Rangers, say no more), it’s been losses or OT for the Islanders, now 3-5-2. Unlike a team trying to pull itself together, the record – and the stats, winless in the last six – suggest a team that’s coming apart at the laces. Which is precisely what the Islanders have been doing for more than a decade. Broken record much? Somebody pull the needle.

Kyle Okposo (Photo credit: Bruce Bennett)

2: The Present. Anyone see that game against the Winnipeg Jets? Puke-tacular. Players who should be performing just aren’t. Kyle Okposo? Mark Streit? Even nubes (to the Islanders at least) like Nino Niederreiter  just aren’t making anything happen. That sort of endemic crap performance suggests bigger problems, and not ones that are just going to go away by themselves, if you know what we mean (*coughCapuanocough*) And their netminders? All of them, Rick DiPietro, Evgeni Nabokov (love your books!) and some joker named Al Montoya all rate SKNX-X-X on the Dagwood Bumstead snoreometer.

3: The Future. Eagle-eye PuckBuddy buddy Jim Barnes sends us this nugget from Coach Capuano quoted in the New York Pest: “I don’t know if it’s a breaking point but come [Saturday] night if we have to play three lines, we’ll play three lines…If we have to play five defensemen, we’ll play five defensemen. We have to win a game.” So there we go! Winner-talk!

The OT Shoot Out: So we hear that some of you think we’re awful. First, it’s a hack journalism trick to say “Some people think…” and then just plop in anything you want without reference. So by some of you we mean anonymous commenters like Cale:  “You must be the one that smells!” Or Bob: “You guys are infantile.”

Curiously, “Bob” seems to keep coming back just to leave comments about how horrible we are and how much he can’t stand reading us. Just so everyone knows, Craig and I read these comments nightly, and we laugh and laugh, as only bitter homosexuals can. So please keep them coming. And “Bob” – I think the word you want is adolescent.

Coaching

I’m sorry, Vyacheslav Bykov, but the ruble stops here. The Russian roster sported six shoes-in for the hall of fame, but you wouldn’t be able to tell it from the team’s performances against Slovakia and Canada. The man they call “Slava” failed to build cohesion among his team, as evidenced in a desperate offense and disparate defense. When we saw Ovechkin or Malkin abandon the passing game to mount futile, one-man offensives into hostile territory, that’s a clear symptom of an unregulated team. It was Bykov’s job to teach his players to trust one another and build competence among the forward trios. He simply failed, and that’s why Russia’s offense was a series of would-be Rambo assaults on a distant net instead of the well-oiled Kalashnikov it should have been.

It’s also the job of the head coach to make a hard decision and make it in a timely fashion. As Nabokov was fed to the Canadian wolves in the first period of Wednesday’s match-up, most coaches would have done the sensible thing and pull him. Summiting a three-goal deficit is difficult, after all, but not impossible. But Bykov did the unthinkable: nothing. Not only did he not pull the siege-adled keeper, he didn’t even shuffle the defensive pairings. In the first period alone, the Canadians thusly delivered an obscene 21 count of shots, 4 of which became goals, and rendered the last 40 minutes of hockey a mere formality for the Canucks. If we were to poll 12 NHL coaches on their decision in the same situation, we’d have a dozen dudes in suits calling Bykov a dummy.

Overabundance of KHL’ers

Slava is notorious for flouting his nose at the NHL. Although drafted in ’89, he declined to play for the Nordiques (okay, can’t fault him for that) and instead spent his career in the USSR and Swiss hockey leagues. Curious it is that both Russia’s coach and nine of its players were non-NHLers — a higher proportion than any other (medal-contending) team. I don’t want to cast aspersions on international hockey leagues, but those KHL’ers combined for a -9 against Canada and never looked equal to the task. If using KHL talent was some kind of political message from Team Russia, it probably backfired in a big way.

False Confidence

This is not to say that the Russian team was bad. They actually looked frighteningly good early on. But Russia had the distinct misfortune of playing Latvia first. It’s hard not to play like gods when the competition plays like ants. That 8-2 scrubbing might have tricked the Ruskies into thinking that their omega-level talent alone would be enough to get them on the podium. That is folly.

And even among the superstars, performances were uneven. Ovechkin was silenced in the loss against Slokavia. Alex Semin had a few slick passes, one monster check, but also a gamut of sloppy giveaways. Ilya Kovalchuk‘s only contribution to the tournament was the sixth of the eight goals scored against the Latvians in the first round. For the life of me, I cannot recall why the trade hype around him was so high.

Power Play, Neutered

For teams like the Washington Capitals, the power play is a knockout punch The daunting effectiveness of the unit (25.6%) sends a message to opponents: you’re dealing with an offensive juggernaut; commit a penalty at your own peril. But the Russians scored three measly times on nineteen opportunities despite having a PP unit (Kovalchuk, Semin, Ovechkin, Malkin, Gonchar) that give goalies nightmares.  To our confoundment, Bykov put Ovechkin in the crease and not the point, far from anywhere he could make the plays he’s known for.

Russian power plays had two inevitabilities: over passing leads to a takeaway and clear, or sloppy set up at center ice leads to a poke-check and clear. That’s the kind of trouble the Capitals had in early October, before Bruce Boudreau made some bold changes and ran enough odd-man drills to instill some discipline on his boys. Without someone willing to crack the whip like that, Russia’s PP floundered.

Discipline

And discipline might have been a crucial deficit, too. Alexander Ovechkin, as much as we love him, can be wont to exuberance. Evgeni Malkin, too, has been known to shun his team and play alone. Alexander Semin can be an unmitigated disaster when he wanders away from BB’s patronage. Even having a cerebral veteran like Sergei Fedorov on the bench did not do much to temper the attitude.  Judhing by their press coverage, the public face of the Russian team was two-fold: alternating between spurning and arrogant. A period of asceticism following the Slovakian upset was warranted, but what press did leak out was as boastful and foolish as the stars’ play.

Lack of Varly

Lastly, Semyon Varlamov is world’s first Soviet ninja/goalie. He’s unproven, young, recovering from an injury, and the perfect guy to play against Canada. Granted, Bykov would have been lambasted in the press if he had suited up Varly on Wednesday, but that wouldn’t have been any worse than the calls he actually did make that night. Remember last spring, when Semyon the Savior focused his chi and shut down the New York and Pittsburgh without much help from his defensive attendants? That’s exactly the sort of magic that could have propelled Russia past the Canadian onslaught. But nyet; it was not to be. Instead we were given a show by Evgeni Nabokov, a goalie who so hated his position that wandered halfway to the damn blueline a few times.  It was just not his night.

All RMNB staff writers except for Fedor (curiously a Russian himself, perhaps he had insider information?) picked Russia to medal in the tournament. Out of embarrassment we have decided to scrap our pool (current pot: $4.53, a Chipotle gift card, and a used Caps ticket to be redeemed for Wings). All predictions seem to do is mock the arrogant. We’ll focus our energy instead on our new love, a team that inspires us with its egalitarianism, its anonymous heroics, and its Garnier Fructis quality hairstyling.

All aboard the Team USA bandwagon!

[Ed Note: First, RMNB taught you how to correctly pronounce the names of some of Russia's Best Hockey Players. Second, RMNB taught you how to support the Russian National Team in Vancouver with Authentic Russian Fan Chants and Cheers. Tonight, In Russian Lessons Part III, we're here to teach you who the most popular, active hockey players in Russia are.

With NHL Games starting at 3am or later in Russia and the KHL starting to find more and more traction, we were interested who Russians talked about and followed the most. Would it be an NHL Player? Would it be a KHL Player? We felt this post was necessary because the media coverage in Washington makes a lot of people assume Alex Ovechkin is the most revered sportsman in the country. He has a huge following - to the point where he's been on Game Shows and in Music Videos - but you'll be surprised by what we found today. They're all yours Fedor.]

Okay, I bet if you had to pick one person to be the most popular hockey player in Russia, you’d pick Alex Ovechkin. This is a great guess, but it’s not 100% true. Let’s check what hockey players Russian users search for the most using the Russian Search Engine “Yandex.” It is the most used Search Engine (51% of search market) in our country.

Most Searched Players

Here are Alex Ovechkin’s Stats:

Here's How Much Alex Ovechkin's Name Has Been Searched For Over The Two Years

As we can see, Ovechkin is searched for quite a lot. And via these statistics, he’s the most popular. But let’s take a look at Ilya Kovalchuk.

Ilya Kovalchuk Stats:

Here's How Much Ilya Kovalchuk's Name Has Been Searched For Over The Two Years

Kovy’s amazing play on two World Championships made him one of the most popular and searched people in May. But what about two other Russians who are very popular? They’re not even close in this competition.

Evgeni Malkin’s Stats:

Here's How Much Evgeni Malkin's Name Has Been Searched For Over The Two Years

Even his Stanley Cup didn’t give him big popularity in the Internet.

Alexei Morozov’s Stats:

Here's How Much Alexei Morozov's Name Has Been Searched For Over The Two Years

Morozov is ABSOLUTELY the most popular KHL player in the League. He’s also the Captain of Russian hockey team and he was chosen to carry the Russian flag in the Olympic opening ceremony. He was picked over Sergei Fedorov. Despite all of these accolades, he’s not competitive in our ratings.

Russian Fan Polls

Which NHL Team Do You Think Will Win The Stanley Cup?

Russia Believes in the Capitals!

To give you a better idea of how much Ilya Kovalchuk is loved in Russia, look at this Sportbox.ru fan poll. 3% of the voters – this is crazy – thought that the Atlanta Thrashers would win the Stanley Cup this year (!!!). The Thrashers are 5th in this poll!!! Granted, this was conducted before he was traded, but it’s amazing considering how bad the team is. They just know Kovy is good. That’s all!! The Washington Capitals, on the other hand, are in First Place and have a resounding 60% of the vote.

Going By Their Personality, Which Russian Player Do You Like The Most?

Russians Choose Alex Ovechkin

This poll is much more undecided. Sure, Ovi is leading here with 34% of the vote, and Kovy 20% and Moro 16% are very close. But see! Malkin is only 5th and only has 9%. Only in one version of polls — TV polls — is Kovy more popular than Ovechkin (he was Sportsman of the Year-2008 and 3rd place in 2007). In 2009 Morozov, Kovalchuk and Malkin became Sportsmen of the Month. Ovechkin was named Sportsman of the Month only once (April 2008) and lost in the 1st round of the Sportsman of the Year playoffs competition (Yelena Isinbaeva won in that quarterfinal).

Lastly, if you take a look at the Russian MSN ratings for today – Ovi is the #8 sportsman in Russia by popularity. Here’s the complete list:

Isinbaeva (track&field), Arshavin (soccer), Pluschenko (figure scating), Safin (tennis), Zhirkov, Akinfeev (both – soccer), Kuznetsova (tennis), OVECHKIN, Sharapova (tennis), Kirilenko (basketball)

Russian Journalist Opinions

Sport Express Journalists named Kovy as a Sportsman of the Year in 2009. In Russian Reporter’s rating Kovy was also 3rd. And sure, being World Champions makes all the difference.

Game Shows and TV Exposure

Lastly, Alex Ovechkin has been all over Russian TV the last few years. Here are a few funny examples:

Finally here’s video of Ovechkin, Kovlachuk & Morozov together at a Russian Music Awards Show

The Other Most Popular Russian Hockey Players In Russia

Here’s the rest of my list for the most popular players in Russia. This is more opinion than anything. But I think this is very fair.

5 – Pavel Datsyuk, 6 – Alex Semin, 7 – Evgeni Nabokov, 8 – Ilya Bryzgalov, 9 – Alexander Frolov, 10 – Maxim Afinogenov

These players were close but just didn’t make my list:

Sergei Fedorov, Semyon Varlamov, Alex Kovalev, Alexander Radulov, Andrei Markov, Alexei Yashin and Sergei Zubov

Please feel free to discuss below in the comments. What do you think? I’ll make sure to answer back tomorrow! Let’s have a lively debate!