Tie Game. (Photo credit: Greg Fiume)

The Washington Capitals were leading the Tampa Bay Lightning 5-1 on Saturday night. They ended up winning 6-5 despite a pathetic third period collapse. Afterwards, the players were understandably upset, none moreso than Jason Chimera.

In response to an earnest question about how to mentally handle a late game blow up, Chimera got sassy.

“Sometimes you’re not your best at writing articles,” he said. “You gotta do better next game.”

After a quick back-and-forth, Chimera stormed off to the showers at Verizon Center. Ah, the joys of a winning locker room.

Photo credit: Patrick McDermott

Chimera was not the only one pissed after Washington’s overtime victory. All the players were, as they should be. This is becoming a pattern. The Capitals have collapsed in the third period of their last two Saturday games. Playing in Sunrise, Washington went from 4-0 blowout to a narrow 4-3 victory. Most recently, the Caps let the Bolts score four unanswered goals before Mike Green put a stop to it with his power-play, overtime game-winning goal.

The Caps have lost three games when leading after two periods, second only to the Boston Bruins — and that doesn’t include their recent close calls against struggling teams.

“We kinda sit back,” Green said of the third period. “We have to keep playing the way we do, play for a full 60, and we’ll be successful.”

“It sucks,” he added. “We can’t play like that. I don’t know what to do. I’m not the guy to look for an answer.”

After last week’s late-game blowup, players in the locker room called it a learning experience: they would be sure not to take their metaphorical foot off the metaphorical gas again. But seven days later, the same thing happened again– the Caps sat back with a big lead and nearly lost. Washington is a better team than Tampa, and they dominated most of the game. From the 400 level at Verizon Center, it looked like the Caps took the game for granted — and the team admitted that.

“I guess there is no really easy explanation,” head coach Adam Oates told reporters. “You lose a little bit of momentum because it was a little too easy, you get a little flat, and all of a sudden here they come.”

“It’s human nature,” he added. “I don’t ever talk to them after a game, but I don’t want to say something you might regret later.”

Big leads are not a bad thing, but Oates is right, it can lull you to sleep. The Caps are still wildly better than they were at the start of the year (10-13-1 in the first half, 13-4-1 since), and they’ve won seven in a row. But I worry how this team will fare in the playoffs. They may get a favorable first-round match-up with the Leafs, Senators, or Islanders. Conventional wisdom may say the opening round would come easy for them — which is why I think it won’t. For all the changes over the past few seasons, the Capitals are still the Capitals; they can blow their opponents out of the water, but they can drown just as quickly.

“They used to call us the Cardiac Kids for a reason and we showed that tonight,” Green said. “We can’t let that happen.”

Photo credit: Greg Fiume

The Washington Capitals just freaking obliterated the Florida Panthers. I don’t know how else to say it. Any flowery language would make the point less elegant: this was a thrashing. One of these teams is the bottom of the Eastern Conference, the other one is the Washington Capitals.

We learned that early, as John Erskine’s muffinly dump-in baffled Jacob Markstrom. We were reminded soon after– when Wojtek Wolski caught a Steve Oleksy pass and made it 2-0 on the Caps’ second shot. That was enough for Markstrom, who got the hook in favor of Scott Clemmensen, who promptly gave up two more goals on the Caps’ next four shots– one from Carlson, one from Ribeiro.

That was all in the game’s first 10 minutes. I could go on, but you get the idea. This was all Caps. Even when the shooting slowed, Braden Holtby was so on top of his game that this was never really a contest.

Caps beat Panthers 7-1.

• Braden Aloysius Goshdarn Holtby. A stinker in the season’s first ten games, he’s been truly elite since. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we find out if he lives up to the hype, but I– and the Capitals defense– are certainly enjoying the wait. Even without the shutout, Holtby had a gorgeous 29-save night.
• Serious stuff: Jason Chimera took a dirty hit from Tyson Strachan in the second period. It was a blindside elbow to the head, and it should earn Strachan a three or four game break from pro hockey. He should prefer that over my recommended punishment, which involves him dying in a fire. This was supposed to be Chimera’s night, dammit. Chimera returned to the ice after the hit, although did show signs of wooziness, which is actually a word according to my autocorrect.

• The flu is ravaging Kettler, but that’s nothing compared to the Florida Panthers, who had 8 dudes on their roster scuffed up in way or another.
• After a three-point night in which he was strong at both ends of the ice, Alex Ovechkin now has 699 career points. So this weekend should be fun.
• John  Erskine reported that his opening goal wasn’t even supposed to be a shot– he was just dumping the puck in for a line change. Proof positive of the old maxim: shoot early and often. Erskine is one goal off his career best.
• Three-point game for Wojtek Wolsi, whom a lot of you thought was a chump. Penitence now accepted in the comments section.
• Chalk up another one for Eric Fehr. He’s got 4 points in the last three games and deserves every bit of credit he’s been given for it. Fehr worked through what many considered a career-ending injury, and is now so much more than just a good “character guy” for the locker room. He’s been a point-per-game player since getting promoted from the checking lines.
• Time for the Mike Ribeiro faceoff check-in: 3 for 7.  That’s an improvement!
• Matt Hendricks was denied a third period goal– a greasy kick that would have given the Caps a full-on touchdown. Hendyface status: teh sads
• Matthieu Perreault’s 7-spot was a thing of beauty.

Joe B suit of the night

So pretty much everything is going right for the Caps right now, which makes sense after the way this season started. They’re firing more pucks, asserting themselves in the possession game, but most of all — the Holtbeast in net. The team needed this run so very badly, and now they’ve got it. The question is what happens now.

We’ve got two games coming up this weekend. Can the Caps keep it up? Will Alex join the 700 club? Will Michal Neuvirth get over the flu and take his net back?

I have no answers, but I’m genuinely excited to find out.

Go Caps.

@ngreenberg You shithead

— RMNB (@russianmachine) March 8, 2013

As regulation time expired in Tuesday’s Caps-Panthers game, one right honorable gentleman cheered the proceedings with impassioned, airborne pelvic thrusts. Start at the 12-second mark in the video above to see what I mean; the guy is at the top right.

All the air in Sunrise is now pregnant as this guy– despite the pleadings of his attendant and well-adjusted girlfriend– made ballistic and metaphorical love to anything and everything around him.

Seeing as the BB&T Center was chock full of about 120 fans, Airhump McGee here becomes the de facto Coors Light Fan of the Game. Drink Coors Light: The Silver Bullet! Taste the Rockies, Especially if You’re a Total Florida Dudebro.

Thanks to Andrew S. for the heads up!

Photo credit: Eliot J. Schechter

The Washington Capitals schlepped down to that bustling metropolis of Sunrise to face the Florida Panthers on Tuesday night. It was classic Caps hockey: dumb penalties, tons of goals, a nominal interest in defense.

Mike Ribeiro found the puck on the weak side to score an early power play goal, but then Tomas Fleischmann banked a shot off John Erskine’s skates to even it up. Shawn Matthias knocked in a go-ahead goal for the Cats from high in the slot. Karl Alzner scored a nasty slapper off the faceoff to knot the score at 2. Let me repeat that: Karl Alzner scored a goal. Peter Mueller Huberdeau bounced a flubbery puck past Braden Holtby, but then Matt Hendricks got a rebound of his own. Jonathan Huberdeau exploited some bad defense to make it 4-3 Florida. Holtby bobbled a loose puck to give Drew Shore his first NHL goal — after a review from Toronto. Eric Fehr finally made it onto the scoresheet with a tip-in just five minutes before the end of regulation. Alex Ovechkin ripped a tying goal off the faceoff during a late-game power play.

And then Troy Brouwer won it in OT on a breakaway. Cause that’s how this team gets down.

Caps beat Panthers 6-5 (OT).

• Wild one. Caps hockey. Dig it.
• Alex Ovechkin delivered a good hit to Kris Versteeg‘s shoulders early in the first. Versteeg went down in pain, but returned to the ice a shift later to deliver a cheapshot cross-check on Ovechkin and start a kinda/sorta fight. In addition to making Versteeg look like an injury-faker (and a generally unaware hockey player), the ensuing power play gave the Caps a tasty PP goal– so pretty much bad all around for Versteeg.
• I’ve been told there is some confusion over my goal report. The Caps’ second goal was scored by Mr. Karl Adolphus Alzner, a hockey player for Washington Capitals hockey club. It was only the fifth for the stay-at-home defenseman. That goal was made possible by rare candy: a Caps’ faceoff win in the offensive zone.
• The Caps have had some bad team defense of late, and there was no better illustration of that than the 3-on-0  Panthers’ rush in the second. Luckily Braden Holtby was able to tap into whatever Iron Fist and Shang-Chi tap into to stop the attack. Stunning work in the paint.
• Despite the DoG and goals-against count, Holtby was pretty great tonight. Now if only he could get his team to play defense in front of him…
• The Capitals gave Florida three power plays in the first period alone, including another dang delay of game call. The Capitals PK unit isn’t totally rancid, but all that time spent in their own zone (sometimes feebly) really dries up the offense. The kind of Capitals who win are the kind who shoot a lot. The third period Caps figured that out, but the Matts teamed up for two more minors in the third that came close to denying the team their comeback.
• News came in that Scott Howson was fired from his job as general manager of the Columbus Blue Jackets. I know that sounds like bad news, but anytime someone leaves Columbus that’s a victory for all mankind. But now the Columbus Maw demands to be fed. Someone dry-rub Brian Burke and put him in a hot box.
• Behindthenet.ca’s Fenwick chart for tonight’s game isn’t up yet, but I can tell you the Caps flatlined for a big portion. The Capitals caught up to win even-strength shots 26-23, but they went shotless for over 12 minutes in the first. The foot-on-the-gas metaphor comes to mind.

Joe B suit of the night

The state of the Caps is a lot like the State of the Union. There’s a lot of good stuff going on, but some jackholes still can’t get their acts together long enough to really achieve anything significant. Don’t get me wrong: huge win, but there’s still work to do.

The Capitals are atrocious at defense: particularly clearing traffic and breaking out, but also unforced penalties like a holding call when John Erskine can’t keep up with the rush or Holtby’s nine-iron delay of game.

But the offense is alive and crackalacking. Both Mike Ribeiro and Alex Ovechkin are on scoring streaks. Troy Brouwer is a star. The Caps have real offense for the first time in a very long time; they’re just waiting for the other half of the team to come to life.

They’ll have their chance on Thursday night against the struggling Lightning in Tampa Bay. Unless that city falls into the sea before then. I’m fine either way.

Someone forgot to “leave the gate open” in Sunrise… twitter.com/recordsANDradi…

— Danny (@recordsANDradio) February 13, 2013

Photo credit: Evan Vucci

Does Alex Semin Care? That was the dominant headline before training camp. On August 17th, former Cap Matt Bradley spoke candidly to an Ottawa radio station and questioned the Russian winger’s commitment to hockey and the team. “When you’ve got a guy like that, you need him to be your best player, or one of your best players, and when he doesn’t show up, you almost get the sense that he wants to be back in Russia.”

With a minute left in the third period of Thursday’s game and the Caps up only a goal, Alex Semin showed how much he loved DC by putting the Capitals back in the playoffs for the fifth consecutive season with a dazzling individual play. As two Florida Panther defenders shadowed Brooks Laich along the boards, Sasha Minor — unguarded in the corner — took a pass, went strong to the net, and lifted a backhanded shot over Jose Theodore.

Video is below the jump.

To celebrate, the elated Semin apparently couldn’t decide between punching the glass or kicking the boards. So naturally, he did both to disastrous effect. As both hand and foot hit board, Semin lost his balance and clumsily fell to the ice. There he laid for several seconds, resembling a fallen Civil War soldier, until his teammates greeted him with back pats, head rubs, and an ice spray.

Maybe Brads was wrong, maybe Brads was right. But in the end, Semin concluded the Capitals’ 2011-12 regular season the same way it began: with a goal.

Now that’s what I call consistency.

Photo credit: Evan Vucci

This is it. The Caps nipping at the heels of the division-leading Panthers, playing to deny them the clinch and maybe snatch their crown.

Jay Beagle scored early, trapping a Troy Brouwer shot with his rump and firing from the sweet spot. Alex Ovechkin got on the board in the second, crashing the net and converting Marcus Johansson’s rebound. Brooks Laich piled on with a sniper shot from the high slot after a long session in the offensive zone. Mikael Samuelsson was all alone in the Caps zone, breaking the shutout with a high wrister. The Cats made it a one-goal game via Ed Jovanovski’s deflect goal early in the third. Alex Semin made it a four-goal night with a minute left. Caps beat Panthers 4-2. We’re playoff-bound, baby!

• Michal Neuvirth is The Guy– err, at least he was until Marco Sturm collapsed on his knee. Mikey needed assistance to leave the ice. It’s a scary sight– a hyperextension injury would end his season and leave the Caps without either of their goalies.
• No penalty for Sturm on that, but an anonymous source at a high level of the administration did report seeing Greg Williams hand him a tenner during the intermission.
• On the other end of the ice, former Capitals goalie Jose Theodore had a rough night. This was his first game playing at Verizon Center against his old team, and Theo ended up serving succulent rebounds to his old teammates a few times. Four goals against on 24 shots.
• Jay Beagle has been a terrific surprise this spring. He’s been physical on the penalty kill, capable at grinding and drawing penalties, and — oh yeah– he scores now! Beags knows that which is a secret to no one: go to the net and good things happen.
• Also playing like a maniac: Matt Hendricks. Hendricks hit everything wearing skates, including the goalie one time. He may not be producing points, but the game is so much badder ass with him in it.
• Alex Ovechkin‘s ice time is curious. He’s already seen his average ice time fall by more than a minute this season (perhaps expected given his advanced years),  but who would have thought that the Caps’ best player would get less ice than Matt Hendricks (for most of the game at least)? Is this another artifact of Dale Hunter’s precise line-matching?
• The Caps back-halfed the second period. Although they finished with 10 in the middle frame, the Caps hard nary a one before the five-minute mark (same story in the first period). For long spells, it feels like shooting just isn’t a priority for this team– which is mystifying for a team as skilled as this one and playing in a game as climactic as this one was.
• Maybe the problem isn’t about priority, but competence. The Capitals could scarcely effect a breakout in the game’s second half, and Florida had little trouble quelling them on neutral ice.

Final Joe B suit of the night (regular season)

Once upon a time, the Caps enjoyed a three-goal lead in this game. It eroded a bit, but lasted. Whew!

Tonight’s was the CSN Washington’s last game covering the Capitals’ regular season. Joe Beninati, Craig Laughlin, and Al Koken. They’ll be back.

Elsewhere in the league, Buffalo’s big date with Philly went poorly. With that loss, Buffalo is eliminated, and the Capitals have locked up a postseason appearance. There’s just two matters remaining unresolved: at what spot and against which opponent?

We’ll find out on Saturday. If the Canes beat the Panthers in regulation and the Caps beat the Rangers, the Caps will play the Devils in the first round and win the Southeast banner for the fifth consecutive year. Plus, who knows what Ottawa will do?

If you’re the Rangers, and you’ve got the #1 slot all locked up, what do you do on Saturday? Play your star goalie and all your best guys? Try to win it with grinders… or do you tank it and let the Caps win so you can try to play the Panthers in the first round?

Alright, a little pressure is relieved for RMNB4. It’s no longer a playoffs-or-not thing, now it’s a division title-or-not thing. Sounds great. IS PARTY NOW.

BAILAMOS!

Here’s Doug Johnson of the PuckBuddys with your penultimate pregamer. Follow @PuckBuddys.

Early Morning Skate: Our doctor advises those of you with heart issues, temper problems, or who are prone to premature catastrophization to avoid watching the Capitals Thursday night. In fact, why not just turn the TV and iPad off and curl up into a little whimpering ball right now.

The rest of us? We few… we lucky few… are ready for, and this is no hyperbole, the single most cosmically important game for any team since the beginning of time. That said, will the Capitals be ready as well?

Alex Semin

The most cogent analysis we’ve cooked up: heart. Those bad games, they wear on their faces.  When we look at the bench during those bad night, we can see that they just don’t believe in themselves and have already given up.

We’re not giving up, Brave Men in Red, and we believe you haven’t, either. That’s why you must defeat Florida. There are so many permutations of possible outcomes between now and Saturday night, that it makes our hair hurt (or what’s left of it), just trying to comprehend. But for the Caps, as Tim Russert said, it all comes down to, “Florida, Florida, Florida.”  But luckily for us, we don’t have a Supreme Court interfering and screwing things up – this one is on us, all us. No dangling chads this time, just dangles. Dangles, dekes, curls, drags, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, CRASHING and SCOARING!

The Non-Stat-Tastic Taunting Pregame

People – annoying people, mostly – say that “Washington was built on a swamp.” Haha, but it wasn’t and they’re ass-butts. What is true is that Florida was a swamp, and now has been converted into America’s Garbage Pile of stuff the rest of us don’t want anymore. Think about it: Backstreet Boys. Katherine Harris. Paula Hawkins. Dave Barry. Charlie Crist. All that refuse that sensible types toss away, wanting to forget their mistakes? It just sorta tumbles down the continent and collects in our national sewer. You think we’re kidding about this garbage stuff? The highest elevation in Florida is a measly 345 feet above sea level – that is if you don’t include the state’s approximately 100 landfills. That’s the real FLorida topography.

So just imagine the sort of  goblins that inhabit Sunrise, Florida – the non-ironically-yet-oh-so-tragically-named home of the Panthers. Tod Browning’s Freaks had nothing on this place. Gooble-gobble, they’re awful. And they’re also kinda the recycling heap of the Washington Capitals (which we think unfairly taints the noble cause of recycling.)  “Flash” Fleischmann. “Brads” Bradley. “Blitzkreig” Sturm. And José ”Still So Hot” Theodore. You could be forgiven for thinking this team is just a collection of old rubber bands and dirty doggie-bags…except. Except for the fact that we’ve pretty much been looking up their skirt all season.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have their number on speed-kill-dial.

The Throw Down in China Town

• Home and Away. Four times we’ve met this year. Twice here, twice down in the urinal / litterbox. At home, we win. Down there, we’re in the toilet. I don’t need to tell you that the Caps still are among the best at-home teams in the League. Or that we play the stink-cats at the Phone Booth.
• Shut Yo’ Mouth. Not only have we won at home, but we’ve shut the kittehs out both times, the Panthers’ longest series of shut-outs yet. We have our Top Cat between the pipes on Thursday, but Jose Pussycat hasn’t logged a win since mid-March, leaving the heavy lifting to Scott Clemenceau or some other surrender monkey.
• Stay Filthy. We’ve noted Ovi’s rouse from Wintertime slumber to Springtime colossus. We’ve seen Nicky take back the dot (or BE the dot) and, hopefully soon, awaken our hibernating power play. We’ve seen Beags start pawing hard at the net while Old Man Kanoooobs never stopped. And, H8ers (or Twenty-H8ers)  I’m talking to you, Alexander Semin has game in/game out continued to show his quality. There is nobody in teh NHL who can snipe like Sasha. That 14 minutes of TOI from the Bolts game was an abomination, and we’re still shaking our heads.  Coach, keep him on the ice, and Sasha, keep it up, Russian Huggy-Bear.
• Any Time Over Time. Yeesh. I’m still in the books as hating overtime, and really hating shoot outs. Yet the Caps have twice in just two weeks shown what a shoot out should look like. Hendy? We’re looking in your direction! Overall, we’ve got the mojo over the Panthers in this category…should it come to it. But it better not. Win in regulation. Close the deal in 60.
• Hollywood Ending. “Forget it, Jose. It’s Chinatown.”

The Throwback Jersey

Look, this has been a heck of a season. And by heck we mean other words our RMNB overlords don’t like us using, even though we’re all grown-ups and know what we’re talking about but have to maintain the façade of politesse because, whatever. We’ve hooted and hollered and fist-bumped and taken too many rides-of-shame home on the Metro. It’s still too early for look backs because we’re still looking forward to playoffs. But at the second to last regular season go-around, we can’t wait for Thursday evening. (And our throw-back jerseys are bad luck to boot.)

7pm on the teevees. Unlike Saturday’s season finale against the Rags, the Thursday game is on CSN. Thank God we won’t have to suffer through the lunatic, hate-filled ranting and raving of the NBC (Nattering Braying Carping) announce team.  And we’ll see you on the Twitters – use the special hashtag: #RussianMachineBreaksYou

Once more into the breach, my friends. CRASH THE NET!

Photo credit: Bill Wippert

The Caps wasted a chance to climb the standings with Monday night’s loss to the Lightning, but we held out hope that our rivals– Buffalo (9th place), Ottawa (7th), and Florida (3rd)– would have crummy nights on Tuesday.

That did not happen.

The Buffalo Sabres climbed out a two-goal hole twice before beating Toronto in overtime. Jordan Leopold’s game-tying goal came with less than two minutes left in regulation. Check out this nine-man pile-up in front of the Toronto net:

If you can see the puck through that replay, you could be an NHL ref, too.

Meanwhile, the Florida Panthers needed two points to sew up the Southeast division title. Leading 3-0 in the second period, it looked like they would do it, but the Winnipeg Jets fought back despite having nothing to play for save pride. The Jets earned a lead, but Tomas Kopecky tied the game up with four minutes left. Of course, the Panthers ended up losing in OT, making that their 18th overtime loss of the season. That ties them with the 2008-2009 Tampa Bay Lightning for the most OTLs since the lockout.

Call that stat sour grapes if you want, because that’s exactly what it is. The Panthers are beating the Capitals because they waited longer to lose more games.

Also, Ottawa lost to the Canes. No one cares.

So here’s where we stand now [UPDATE: Posted an out-of-date version before. Fixed now.]:

• The New York Rangers have locked up the first seed in the East.
• Buffalo and Washington are in a virtual tie for 8th place, but the Caps have the tiebreaker (regulation/overtime wins).
• The Caps can catch Ottawa for 7th– if Ottawa loses to Boston and New Jersey and the Caps win their last 2 games.
• The Caps can catch Florida for 3rd– if Florida loses in regulation and the Caps win both games. FLA’s last game is against Carolina.
• Buffalo’s final two games are against Philly and Boston.

3rd, 7th, 8th, and – gulp— 9th place are still possible for the Capitals.

Pretty much anything can happen. But the biggest determining factor for the Washington Capitals remains the Washington Capitals themselves. Thursday’s home closer versus Florida needs a fever pitch.

And Saturday’s bout with the Rangers will be…

Come to our party at Front Page on Saturday, April 7. It’s a viewing party for Caps @ Rangers. It’ll be epic.

Photo credit: Gary I. Rothstein

During Sunday’s game between the Florida Panthers and Anaheim Ducks, former Capitals player (and fan favorite) Matt Bradley suffered what appears to be a significant injury.

During the second period, Anaheim’s George Parros apparently leveled Bradley at center ice with a high shoulder hit. Bradley attempted to hit Parros into the boards in retaliation a few seconds later. Parros slowed to avoid the hit, causing Bradley to collide with the glass headfirst. Bradley was unable to continue playing and required help off the ice and into the locker room. He did not return to the game.

The hit seemed unspectacular at first and did not garner much attention from the broadcast team, but repeated views make for harrowing stuff. The crown of Bradley’s helmet seems to be the main point of contact with the glass, and his head rocks back violently (the best view of this is around 1 minute into the video).

The glass required replacement after the play, and it may have cracked due to the impact with Bradley’s helmet.

On Monday, Panthers head coach Kevin Dineen told George Richards of the Miami Herald that Bradley’s injury is “not short term.”

Matt Bradley missed more than a month with the Capitals due to a hand injury suffered on December 21st, 2010. In 45 games with the Panthers this season, Bradley has 3 goals and 5 assists, averaging 10:52 per game.

As we’ve learned way too often over the last few years, head injuries are mysterious affairs. Hits that look debilitating could be be minor, and hits that look insignificant may be profound. We don’t know yet where Matt’s hit will fall on that spectrum, but we’re worried for a player that has meant so much to this community over the past seven years.

Additional reporting by Ian Oland and Fedor Fedin.

Doug Johnson is a Puck Buddy. Read Puck Buddys. Follow @PuckBuddys. Obey.

The Pregame: True story. Florida’s Everglades have become so overrun with non-native Burmese Pythons, imported by one simpleton New Jersey retiree couple on Hoverounds, that they’ve eaten just about everything good and natural to the region, leaving the entire ecosystem on the edge of collapse. Really.

And yet, we are so overcome with issues of real import (Caps fail) that we cannot even fill in the punchline here. The easy, made-to-order, South Florida punchline. The joke that Dave Barry has penned a hundred times (and Gene Weingarten a thousand.)

THAT is precisely how dire our current situation is. To make it clear: if two well-educated, middle-aged gay men can’t make wry comments about South Florida, you know it’s fer realz.

The Puck Drop

Max Ernst, The Barbarians (1937)

Mark my words: this is what happens when you introduce non-native species to new environments. Everything goes to hell and all that’s good dies. Example: hockey team – not one but two! – invades the southern-most peninsula of America called, accurately, Boca Raton. Result: real hockey is swallowed into a faceless maw of oblivion.

You know, as tired as you are of the silly face-washing jokes we roll out here, and as tired we are of coming up with new ways to describe how putrid our opponent’s cities are, let’s admit it. Hockey in DC looks tired. Tired and ready for a nice nap.

We’re paying no attention to the kerfufffling between Wides and Ovi at Thursday’s practice: humm-haww. If sniping words were hockey sticks, my place of employ would resemble an underground fight club. Memo to NHL pros: we expect you to act angry on the ice.

Yet angry is something we’re not, what with the Caps ranking at the lowest ends of penalties and fights in the NHL. Really? Under Dale Hunter?

Hot? Not? How To Decide?

Rene Magritte, Listening room (1953)

Brian Eno used to advise bands he was producing that when they hit a brick wall, they should do something totally different. “Oblique Strategies” he called them. Something totally unexpected. He even produced a deck of cardsthat anyone, facing a loop of losses, could just pull from the shuffled deck and muse on the nonsensical advice.

“Ask your body,” reads one. “Try faking it!” another. “Use an old idea.” “Work at a different speed.” “What to increase? What to reduce?”

Whaa–?

Exactly. It’s not about fact. It’s not reason. It’s what you bring to the problem, and how you answer the question to solve the problem.

So. You’re going to find plenty of so-called smart talk about what the Caps need to do, what the Cats have done, where we all are in the standings and how to bash down our opponents, and what needs to be done to get us to the playoffs. We’ve written some of that in the past, as have our colleagues. Didja see where it got us?

So tonight, to Hell with Hot, and Not. To Hell with prescriptions of what the Caps need on the ice. To Hell with the bookies and the smarties and the babies and everyone whimpering about what should be.

Tonight, we draw from the deck and discover:

“Cut a vital connection.”

End Game

So, Caps.  What is your “vital connection”?  What would you say it is?

Put aside every injury report, data sheet and sharpie analysis. Put aside emotion. Put aside what everyone has said, and consider for yourselves: what is our vital connection?

We’ll be back tomorrow to look forward to Saturday’s game. For the moment, let’s rethink what we’re doing, and think about something new.

Jackson Pollock, Number 1 (1950)