Russian Machine Sometimes Breaks: “Groin is Good”

Semyon Varlamov's junk is no longer the problem.

Semyon Varlamov's junk is no longer the problem.

As the east coast prepares for another storm, the Washington Capitals suit up to face off against the Ottawa Senators.  And guess what?  We’ve got some injuries.  Stifle yourself.

  • Brian Pothier is expected to return to play tonight after recovering from a broken rib.  I’ve never had a broken rib, but I hear those things hurt like the dickens.  Imagine if you have to sneeze.  Yowza.
  • Quentin “Crazy Eyes” Laing is out tonight.  Apparently, he’s got some bad bruises he acquired from blocked shots recently.  I’m searching my memory right now, and I can’t recall anything remarkable from Quentin that doesn’t involve diving in front of flying pucks.
  • Semyon Varlamov continues his period of convalescence and unibrow-gardening.  Varly injured his jock over a month ago, but has since played a game with the Hershey Bears to test his progress.  After the game it was reported that he had another “lower-body injury”.  The hockey tradition of using these vague euphemisms led us to believe that Semyon had re-injured his junk, but we were wrong.  Tarik reports that Varlamov sprained his MCL, but — and we quote — “Groin is good.” While we dispute that there is anything inherently good about  the word groin, we are ecstatic that Varly may soon be back in the Caps line-up!
  • Tyler Sloan, whose financial projections are looking rosy of late, will not be playing tonight.  Is he injured?  Not as far as we can tell.  With Laing out and Alzner back in Hershey, isn’t this exactly the kind of situation where Tyler could be used?  Or are we gonna let that $1.4m marinate for a little bit before we put him to work?

That’s it for now.  If there are any more updates on tonight’s players, we’ll be sure to mock them mercilessly right here.

In other news, Blogfather Ian Oland will be at the game tonight.  My guess is he’ll be wearing one of our totally bitchin’ t-shirts.  If you see him, run up to him and kick him in the groin for me.  Cheers!