In lieu of ordering, just hand these to the server.

In olden times, victorious warriors would gather in the great mead halls to celebrate battles well fought. They would drink ale, swap war stories, consort with wenches, and tear into massive legs of meat. Our world today is not much different. Sports fans– proxy warriors themselves– return from high-scoring games to gather at a modestly priced, appetizer-crazy sports bar to drink diet soda, talk about the game, flirt with disinterested waitresses, and eat complimentary buffalo wings. Such is the tale tonight.

This season, Glory Days Grill naïvely entered into a marketing campaign with the Washington Capitals. It seemed harmless at first: if the Caps score five or more goals at a home game (imaginary quote: what are the odds of that happening?), ticket-holders can get ten free wings at their local eatery. It seemed like a innocent promotion: get the brand name out, support a newly popular team, get some rear ends in the restaurant’s seats. But here we are the tail-end of January, and the Caps have already recorded NINE 5+ goal games at home this season (someone get Dan Steinberg an abacus) [Ed. note-Señor Steinberg includes the preseason in his calculation. Our bust.]. Verizon Center sat 18,277 fans at each of those sell-out games.  That makes 1,644,930 FREE wings for thrifty Caps fans.  Heads are surely rolling at the Glory Days global headquarters.

Tonight, friend-of-the-blog and aspiring sports photographer Stevie K. treated me to some of these free wings. K attended last night’s stomping of the Anaheim Ducks and was kind enough to share his good fortune with me. “Peter”, he said, “did you know that food tastes better when it’s free?” I didn’t believe him, but I was willing to find out for myself.

In case you suffer from R. Kelly’s affliction, here’s the story told in pictures:

Stevie K shows the tickets to Emmy, the world's fartiest Caps fan.

Victorious warrior or shameless opportunist?

I dedicate these wings to Alexander Semin and the ever-elusive hat trick.

Elapsed time from previous photo? 2:30

We were sat next to a kind couple decked out head-to-toe in Caps gear.  They admitted to being season-ticket holders (section 421, holla!), and regulars at Glory Days.  I spotted a few other Caps fans in the room as well, all watching the Flyers-Thrashers and Penguins-Senators games with mild boredom.  Or was it scorn?  Our server, Chris J., tells me that he has served over 100 meals of free wings this season.  It’s something of an epidemic for them, but they were in quite good spirits about it.

And a final note: folks, make sure you tip your server as if you paid full price.

Ovechkin nets two points (1g 1a), yet Caps fall meekly to bottom-dwelling Hurricanes 6-3 (Photos via Heather Mabb)

Gah! On pixel this looked like an easy match up. The Caps, second in the NHL and well atop the Southeast, should be able to lay down the smack on the last-place Canes for the third time this season. That sure as hell did not happen– as the Canes bested the Caps 6-3 and handed the home team their first loss inside the division all season. You could blame it on the distractions from today’s trade, a consistently incompetent defensive squad, or Jose Theodore’s top-heavy prettiness:goalstopping ratio; but the Caps got beat all around the phone booth tonight.

In a somber mood and somewhat nauseated from hot wings, let’s break it down:

• Chris Clark‘s presence was completely absent from the Cap– huh?  What!?!  Well, we’ll always have 11/11, Chris!
• Jose Theodore returned to the ice tonight amidst a few days grumbling over losing the top slot to newbie Michael Neuvirth. If tonight’s performance was meant to change minds, it may have– but not in the way Jose wanted.  Theodore gave up three goals in the first period, and then another two more for good measure. He surrendered sloppy rebounds all night, and the Hurricanes’ offense gobbled them right up. The Caps’ top goalkeeper from last year may soon be going the way of the Kolzig, but he should not take the full brunt of the blame.
• The defensive squad was lackluster all night, helping not at all with loose pucks and taking far too long to get what should be an easy clear.  How much of this game could have gone better if the team raced to the puck instead of watching it float by?
• On the other hand, Mike Green clocked a monster half hour of ice time tonight, and he did his best with it. An impressive, tumbling slapshot got the Caps on the board, he assisted Ovie’s goal, and he had a couple other decent shots as well. Greener finished the night with an even plus/minus, which cannot be said for many others on the team.  Hey, Team Canada, I know you like what you see.  Hit your boy up!
• Our modest namesake had two points for the night and was the most physical player on the team tonight. His top-shelf bullet early in the third period damn near put the Caps back on track, but even the greatest hockey player in the world is just one player.  Still, the way Alexander Ovechkin combines finesse and knuckle-dragging– in the same maneuver, no less– makes hockey worth watching.
• Alexander Semin reportedly left a shift in the third period complaining about his wrist and cursing in Russian (which I NEED to hear). Russian Machine recommends he ice his wrist with a stack of frosty thousand-dollar bills from his contract extension. I’m little Alexander’s biggest supporter, but his performance was seriously lacking tonight. The boy did very little on defense and stood idly by while the Canes scored their second of the night. Tsk tsk, little one.
• Karl Alzner should have had a great game tonight. He started off strong, doing a yeoman’s work on the first Canes’ power play, but he seemed to do little else thereafter. He was playing for half of the Carolina’s goals tonight.  I know I’m in the minority here, but Alzner’s defense seems like more of the same to me.  If the Caps are champions (and we humbly propose they are), the blue liners are the remaining puzzle piece.
• Nicklas Backstom‘s double minor for high sticking set a poor tone for the evening, but Russian Machine is going to hand out a free pass to its Swedish cousin anyway. It was honest if disastrous goof, the kind that John Erskine was giving out like free candy earlier this season, but we forgive him because he’s been so awesome lately.
• Boyd Gordon finally returned to the Caps tonight, and reportedly he played hockey– although we could find no evidence of that before press time.

The Caps power play sucked so hard even Horn Guy was lacking enthusiasm (HORN GUY FOLLOW US ON TWITTER PLEASE). Maybe it’s the hot wings talking here (and they are talking… in the bad way), but the level of play we saw tonight was not Cup-caliber, maybe not even playoff material. Bruce’s team has another opportunity to prove themselves on Wednesday against San Jose, a very impressive team this season. Maybe this Chimera guy will show us something special. Or bite Ovie’s ear off during the pre-game skate.