[Ed note: After a year of doggedly researching and documenting the panoply of awfulness that are the Washington Capitals' rival cities and teams, the PuckBuddys'  physicians grew concerned, recommending they take a nice, quiet rest somewhere so they could forget temporarily about hockey and focus instead on finger paints and macaroni art. Helpfully, Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr gave them just the right opportunity to lay down their burden.

Now, no longer able to keep them involuntarily committed, the Buddy's have returned to crash our net and empty the NHL's septic tanks that you, wisely, would rather not. Because that's just the sort of stand-up guys they are.

However, we caution they are still a bit on edge. So please, everyone...no sudden movements.]

The Scene: The pioneering urban anthropologist Ulf Hannerz once remarked “That which most repels us in other cultures is very often what lies buried and secret at the heart of our own.”  Well, no he didn’t; I just made that up. But then again, I doubt that Ulf ever visited New Jersey.

New Jersey is for Lovers

Oh ho, you say, can an entire state truly be so bad? If scabies wanted to go on a holiday, it would visit Jersey. If the EPA listed lip gloss and Drakar Noir as hazardous wastes, the effluvia of glitter and reek oozing out of Jersey’s pores would require us to wall it off for one hundred years. If New Jersey didn’t exist, Alabama would have to rise up and invent the place from whole cloth, just so the rest of us would stop pointing and laughing at them. It’s exactly that bad. (John Carlson: love you, but we’re watching your hair closely.)

Thus our recommendation for full haz-mat suits for everyone on hand to welcome the New Jersey Devils this Saturday to Verizon. Which is not to say don’t go: despite their continuing habit of screwing things up for us, we like the way this game is shaping up for the Caps. Screamingly brilliant analysis follows.

The Morning Skate: Ugh, that last Devs game, amirite? Sure, that’s when we were still in our “1st Period OK/2nd Period SUCK/3rd Period PANIC” phase. Although not completely broken, the Caps have more often than not been snake-bit in the second; our last meeting with the Devs saw us 0-2 and charting up four penalties, giving smelly Patrik Elias (he not of the Big Boy Elias’) all the room he needed.

Neuvy was good (.914 Sv%) but breathing fossil Martin Brodeur was better (.929) as was the Dev’s defense as a whole. Thank heavens for Greenie’s long-distance blast in the third that tied us up. Oh wait, did I say thank heavens to Mike Groin Green? Because I meant that it was his OT interference penalty that likely cost us the game. What Greenie giveth, Greenie taketh away, I supposeth.

Moving on…

Puck Drop: Like most teams, the Devils are out-shooting us, in regular play and earlier against us specifically. Despite that, we’re nearly even on goals for and those allowed, which suggests Coach Oates’ “system” is working better against the Devs than, say, the Pens. (And let us never speak of that again.) Here’s our take: tired offense and unusually sloppy defense will put the Devs behind early, a deficit they’ll struggle to erase without ultimate success. More Caps players other than Ward, Brower and Fehr will step into game. Fans will once again hail this as a sure sign the Capitals “are back.” We’re not sure what “back” means, but don’t expect this to be anything other than just one more game.

But srlsy, only a White House reporter would take one source as gospel for a story. So we tapped PuckBuddys’ Devils correspondent, and all around cute guy, Brian Marshall for his take on how this game will shape up. Brian:

Which Devils team will show up for Thursday’s game?  The elite team that went 3-0 against the state of Pennsylvania in the last two weeks?  Or the lackluster team that lost to the Canes, Islanders, and Senators?  My guess is Coach Peter DeBoer is spending the two day layoff getting the Devils focused on Thursday’s game (especially since they face the Caps in back-to-back games – no chance of looking past them to the next game).

The rest was no doubt welcomed after playing 3 games in 3 and a half days over President’s Day Weekend. The Devils special teams have been less than special of late, the power play is an acceptable 15.3% (2 for 13) the last four games, but the penalty killers have been atrocious, giving up 6 goals in 14 chances (57.1% PK) in the same span.  If the Devils take a couple of stupid penalties it could be curtains for the good guys wearing white.As for players to watch out for, Patrik Elias continues to play amazing hockey.

As of this writing, he’s 8th in the league in scoring (4G 15A) playing his more natural LW (he played C most of last year).  On the other side of Elias’ line is David Clarkson, who’s tied for 4th in the league with 10 goals.  And don’t forget about our Russian-Left-Wing-Who-Shoots-Right-Has-A-Contact-That-Runs-Until-Forever-And-Never-Seems-To-Leave-The-Ice-On-The-Power-Play, Ilya Kovalchuk.

Kovy is continuing his remarkable transformation from “one-dimaneional goal scorer” to “workhorse all-situations player with explosive puck skills, and Marty Brodeur is still between the pipes for the Devils.  He’s still pretty good.  And don’t let him play the puck – he’ll kill you with his outlet passing just as easily as with his catching glove.

Like we said: Caps 4, Devs 2.

Who’s Hot, Who’s Not: Oh gosh, this is probably the reason we got into this whole farkakte blogging thing to start with. (Did you know that off all the dazzling writing and insights we’ve offered over the years, still the biggest search term to our site is “naked Ryan Kesler”? We’re hoping that just by writing that here RMNB’s SEO will sky-rocket.)

All that

Our RMNB overlords likely hate this section, but every time they delete it we just go in and paste it back. So if you’re squeamish or hate Downton Abbey or are just questioning your ability to look at pretty people, skip to the end. Wait, not skip. Leap with masculinity.

• Capitals: The Ribeiro trade has never looked better (forget all that crap I said earlier, heh heh,) but Mike, bubeleh, a little more care with the hair will only increase your trade value.  Troy “Wolf Eyes” Brower has been firing on all cylinders and Eric the Fehr and Jay Beagle have obviously run a can of Gumout through their systems in response. O Captain, you’re still our Captain, but please a little less fluffer-nuttering out there, K? Nicky, you’re more over-due than alimony. But our Caps hottie of the week crown goes to Joel Ward: shine on you crazy diamond. Runner up: Joey Crabb ain’t too bad, either.
  

  Nice, if you go for that sort of thing

• Devils: Oh, this is so much easier. As in - have you seen dese guise? We’ve seen more appealing faces on The Smoking Gun”s mug-shot hall of fame, and that includes the guys who sniff paint and end up with silver smears across their cheek. Which is not to say they’re not performing: Elias, Kovalchuk, Gionta and Ryan Carter will no doubt (ahem) be-devil us this game. On a numbers-only basis, David Clarkson would win this week’s tiara, but woof.  Instead, the prize goes to Steve Bernier, a 6’3″ rasher of Canadian bacon who should probably be playing better, but still looks good out there.

New Jersey’s finest

The Take Away:

Every game lately has felt like an ordeal. “Arrgh, we do we stink so much?!” “Darn you, GMGM!”  ”OMG, the Caps actually won; we’re BACK!!!”  Everyone needs a few fewer exclamation marks and a little more Xanax if we’re going to make it through these next two months. We’re overall an OK team with some great individual talents that seems to be struggling to make its round square peg fit into a pre-ordained round hole.

The Devils have had a history of tripping us up when we’re feeling our head in the clouds. So Caps: keep the skates on the ice and the eyes on the puck, and we should be good.

Hate mail may be addressed to PuckBuddys, c/o:

The Permanent Representative of the Democratic
People’s Republic of Korea to the United Nations
820 Second Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Photo credit: Sport-Express

When you’re super-famous, I guess you get asked to do some bizarre things. Alex Ovechkin has danced to shill for Eastern Motors, operated as hypeman for his boy Sasha Belyi, and modeled to promote a winter clothing-line for Nike. General rule: if Ovi is doing something other than hockey, minds are gonna get blown.

That’s why I was intrigued when news broke that Ovi and his compatriots sang to promote the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. How would his voice sound? Tenor or baritone? Could he possibly improve on the lyrical perfection of Champion? We didn’t know. We had only photos.

Until now.

YouTube User Alex12TV has published video of Ovechkin, Evgeny Malkin, Ilya Nikulin, Ilya Kovalchuk, Nikolai Kulemin, and Alex Radulov singing “Shaybu, Shaybu” with Russian pop star Irina Allegrova. It is delightful. In particular, I’m a fan of Alex Radulov’s air-drumming, Ovechkin’s excited hand motions, and — in general — the screaming, off-pitch singing.

And thanks to RMNB’s Fedor Fedin, here are the translated lyrics of the chorus.

Shaybu, shaybu
The victory is ours
Shaybu, shaybu
Guys, we’re with you
And if we need it a lot, we’ll score again
Shaybu, shaybu
Russia is behind us

Fedor also wrote this wonderful post a few years ago explaining what shaybu, shaybu means.

Photo credit: Sport-Express

Everybody loves a triple threat. Example: Brian Austin Green. Dude can act and rap . Not only that, he can marry well too. He is living the American dream.

Then there’s Alex Ovechkin. Not only does our Russian savior crush opponents and score sick goals on the regular, he’s also an up-and-coming musician. Surely you’ve heard him rap. If there were an iPod in heaven, Sasha Belyi’s Champion would be on eternal repeat.

So imagine our joy on Tuesday when Russian websites reported that Ovechkin was making music again.

With the KHL on a break for the EuroHockeyTour’s Channel One Cup in Moscow, members of the Russian national team gathered in Novogorsk for a team camp. Instead of practicing on Tuesday night however, head coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov ordered his star players to drop their sticks and pick up the microphones so that they could contribute vocals to two Sochi Olympics-inspired songs Shaybu-Shaybu and We Are The Red Machine. While Russian pop star Irina Allegrova did all of the heavy-lifting, Ovechkin, Pavel Datsyuk, Ilya Kovalchuk, Evgeny Malkin, Alex Radulov, and Ilya Nikulin formed a make-shift choir and sang backing vocals. Please, someone leak the MP3′s. We need to hear this.

Now let’s enjoy some excellent photos from the event published by Sport-Express.

Photos

Russian players also received their rings for winning the World Championship last year. See the entire gallery here.

GIF

Created by WelshHockeyFan.

Additional reporting by Fedor Fedin.

Photo credit: atlant-mo.ru

Let’s start with a disclosure: we aren’t actively covering the lockout. Financial negotiations (and their public face) are all about posturing, tedium, and equivocation, whereas our principal interest in hockey has always been scoar, moar, and goals. That said, our Alex Ovechkin has spoken out about the ongoing melee between NHL ownership and players, and it’s definitely newsworthy.

Talking with SovSport’s Dmitry Ponomarenko after Saturday’s game, Ovechkin gave his spin on the NHL’s offer to the players earlier this week, dismissing the proposal as “nothing new” and “good only after a quick look.” Ovechkin continued:

If we speak in Russian, the NHL provided a beautiful dream to the media and fans, but in reality it’s a lie. It’s showboating. The league is trying to show that they are kind of working, trying to save the season, but they offer nothing new. It’s all the same, just in different words.

In the interview, Ovechkin carries some water for the players’ association, but he ends with a bombshell: he is willing to walk away from the NHL if the new CBA is no good.

For starters, Ovechkin is not optimistic for a timely outcome to the lockout until the NHL changes:

If NHL bosses keep making us such “profitable” offers, [the lockout] will last for a long time. We’re far from a compromise.

Ovechkin echoes comments made by Ilya Kovalchuk, who had harsh words for Gary Bettman on Friday:

I don’t think lockout will end soon. Bettman decided to throw the dust in our eyes because media isn’t talking about him very well lately. But actually the offer they gave is the same one, just in other words. A great person [Donald Fehr] is the head of the union with great experience. He’ll break it down, explain to us, and we’ll make the decision.

Meaningful progress seems unlikely until both sides adopt a spirit of compromise. When asked about the players’ willingness to make concessions, Ovechkin made this point:

There are a lot of nuances, a lot of hidden rocks. And all of them are in the league’s favor. Why in the world should our salaries be cut down? They say: let’s shorten the contracts to five years, then take 24 percent back. And what will be left? You offered that salary and now you take it back? That’s why there’s a lockout.

Most of that is right on the money. The recently expired collective-bargaining agreement and all the contracts made during its term were the result of the 2004-05 lockout and the player-owner compromise that ended it. While without context it may seem fair to start negotiation with 50-50 revenue sharing, the league and players already stipulated that 57-43 was “fair.” This current lockout exists because the league shifted its definition of fair and now requires concessions from players to bridge the gap it created.

The economic realities of the NHL aside, it’s hard to characterize this negotiation as anything except the owners wanting to pay the players less than they said they would. It’s probably inevitable that will happen, but how much less could be a problem. A big problem if you take it from Ovi.

Should the new CBA be unfavorable to Ovechkin, Ponomarenko asked if he might stay in Russia:

If the negotiations between you and the league will not lead to compromise, can you see yourself continuing your career in Russia? Is it possible/doable in a legal perspective?

I think yes. If my contract will be cut down greatly, it would be possible to annul it through the court.

That is not a Donald Fehr talking point.

Is it an empty threat, or is Ovi the Keyser Söze of hockey? Is he willing to do what the other guys won’t? Is he willing to disappear from North American hockey forever? (And is that even legally possible?)

I doubt it. If playing pro hockey were just a financial calculation for Ovechkin, he’d be wearing Dynamo blue every year, collecting a massive tax-free* salary, and cavorting with the superior women of Russia. But it’s not just about cash money for him. The NHL, when it actually plays games, has the best talent in the world, and D.C. has been Alex’s home for nearly a decade.

So I recommend we mark this down as hollow brinksmanship, more of that posturing and equivocation we at RMNB have been so reticent to write about up until now.

Translation by Fedor Fedin and Igor Kleyner.

UPDATE: Fedor informs me that as of 2012, Russia has instituted a 13% income tax for residents.

hahahahah goal)))) (Photo credit: dynamo.ru)

Despite recording a point in his first-ever KHL game, Alex Ovechkin missed on numerous opportunities to score in Dynamo Moscow’s 7-2 blowout victory on Thursday. On Sunday, Ovechkin showed why he’s one of the world’s most fearsome shooters, immediately recording a goal in the first period of Dynamo’s loss to SKA St. Petersburg. It was the Russian machine’s first regular season tally in Russia since 2005.

GIFs of his goal are below the jump.

Created by @CarrotBazooka. Check out her other two GIFs of the goal here and here.

In the fifteenth minute of the first period, Dynamo’s Filip Novak raced into SKA’s offensive zone during a powerplay. As several SKA defenders converged on him, he passed to Ovechkin who rocketed home a one-timer past SKA goaltender Evgeny Ivannikov. Excitedly, Ovechkin, who had ELEVEN shots on goal in 23:56 of ice time today, dashed to the side boards and celebrated the PPG with his teammates.

SKA was too much for Dynamo though. Ilya Kovalchuk (the newly-named captain) got an assist in his first KHL game and Maxim Afinogenov scored the game-winner in the second period. Viktor Tikhonov also added a powerplay goal in the third period to seal it.

Dynamo will next play Wednesday against Аk Bars.

Additional Photos and Video

Photo credit: dynamo.ru

Photo credit: ria.ru

Ovechkin and Kovalchuk line-up during a face-off. (Photo credit: ria.ru)

Highlights of the game from championat.ru.

Ovechkin’s press conference after the game via championat.ru

Craig is a Puck Buddy. This is his story. @PuckBuddys

Ohai Caps fans! Coinciding with Coach Hunter’s latest round of mind-boggling line changes, we’re changing up things today on the pregamer, too.  No, Doug hasn’t been sent down to Hershey with the other famous Caps redhead, Cody “Swoon” Eakin, but he’s taking a short break from cranking out his inimitable prose, obscure cultural references (he’s still working on Cy Twombly), and his proselytizing on behalf of the radical gay agenda.

Actually, he’s wrapping up the last of his community service obligations that resulted from his conviction in that 2011 World Juniors point-shaving scandal. And truth be told, he was also the one who bought all that liquor for those Russian kids. But luckily for all involved, including international aviation authorities, the team behaved responsibly on that flight home after their big win. In fact, we just heard from a few of our old pals on last year’s Russian team - and even they were appalled by Alec Baldwin’s airline antics last week.

The Puck Drop

The instructions that Doug scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin say this is where I’m supposed to write about hockey things and stuff. We’ll keep this light since we already kicked the crap out of the Devils and their squalid landfill of a state ahead of the November 10 tilt with those hooligans.

Like every other Caps fan, we’re wondering about what team will show up Friday night at Prudential.  We’ve been on this roller coaster for almost the entire season (the weakest 7-0 team in NHL history?) – craptacular play followed by some well executed hockey, then five steps back, followed by another glimmer of hope. The litany of problems was evident as recently last Saturday against the Avs – anemic offense, catatonic PPs, defensive breakdowns and our netminders giving up squishy softy goals.  Those terrifying lows have been followed by dizzying highs: Ovi working his magic, Sasha wristing, Nicky being gorgeous, the PP off of life support, savage play in the neutral zone and a lot of hitting.  Yeah, we like hitting. Many of those elements, on full display during Tuesday’s Preds game, reminds me of why I jumped on the Caps bandwagon in the first place.

Now some hockey. Lending an assist here is our pal Brian, @trot71 on the twitter, the Devils correspondent at PuckBuddys.  Unlike the rest of us over there who never played the game and just like to flip spit, talk trash, and flirt, Brian knows the game and plays on the NYC Gay Hockey Association squads.  Forget Ken Daneyko, Brian is “Mr. Devil, ” devilishly handsome, too! Brian summarizes the first third of the Dev’s regular season:

This first third has provided something of a relief to Devils’ fans – there were fears they would come out of the gate as poorly as they did last season, which may have led to a fire sale of talent and a commitment to rebuilding.  Instead, there have been some young contributors (rookies Adam Larsson and Adam Henrique)  play vital roles on the veteran-dominated team, and increased scoring under first year coach Pete DeBoer.

All I Want for Christmas

Zach Parise (Jeff Zelevansky)

According to Brian, “Top center Travis Zajac‘s return was a little early to call a Christmas present, but it’s everything the Devils could have hoped for.  Travis has come back and looked fairly good, which will present DeBoer some lineup problems going forward, but the good kinds of problems (too many good players for the top 6 forward slots).  If there was one wish every New Jersey fan has, it’s that Zach Parise signs a long term deal with the club in January. If there’s no ink on a contract and the team continues to sit at the tail edge of the playoffs, look for GM Lou Lamoriello to deal Captain Zach to a contender for a king’s ransom of talent.  (But my money’s on Zach staying a Devil).”

The Naughty and Nice List, Festival of Lights Edition

Nice: Jeff Halpern: Haply Hanukkah, everyone! The hometown boy put in a great effort on Tuesday, the first night of the holiday. Hockey’s Hebrew Hammer also put Leonsis ahead of God on opening night against the Canes on October 8, Yom Kippur. We’ll check the schedule to see what day Purim falls on.

Nicer: Alexandr Valeryevich Semin:  ‘I’m not sleeping, I’m sniping!” Leave it to the Great 28 to confound and confuse us with his erratic play. When he’s good, he’s magnificent; when he’s bad, he’s infuriating and when he boards an opponent, he’s the best!  And while we’re at it, can everyone get a jump on their New Year’s resolutions and forever swear off “enigmatic and mercurial.” Both the Associated Press and the Washington Post used those exact words to announce the death of Kim Jong Il. We are NOT making that up. Russian influence on the world stage cannot be underestimated, but look at what lazy hockey writers have done now – they’ve dragged our dear Sasha into a nuclear tipped, geopolitical game of brinksmanship, when he’s got his hands full on just backchecking as it is.

Martin Broudeur

Naughty: Old Man Winter: Martin  Brodeur is just not elite anymore.  He looked shaky for great stretches in last Tuesday’s 4-1 loss against the Rangers.

Nicer: Swedish Meatball: Johan Hedberg is playing much better hockey than Brodeur at this time and should probably be getting the bulk of the starts.

Nicest: Awesome Possum:  The stunning Zach Parise has been leading the Devils offense this month, with 14 points (5G 9A) in the 10 December games.

Nicely Nicely Neuvy: Baby Czech Michal looks to be getting the start on Friday night and one of the smart guys we follow on twitter, but are contractually prohibited of mentioning his name, wondered about when the last time Vokoun has sat for four games. Then there’s the theory that a strong Neuvy makes Vokes better. Those same geniuses may be the ones who keep telling Rick Perry he has a shot at the nomination.

What Makes Them Hot

Ilya Kovalchuk

The Devils top line offers something for everyone, an All-American boy (Parise), the mysterious Russian (Ilya Kovalchuk) and the young buck (rookie Adam Henrique).  And they’re clicking – they’ve combined for 13 goals and 22 assists in December.

What Makes Them Not

Their power play has been beyond substandard.  They aren’t last in efficiency or power play goals scored, but they’ve given up a whopping 10 shorthanded goals, tops in the NHL (four teams are tied for second with five SHGA).  They have a remarkable ability to cough the puck up from the points (currently Kovalchuk and newly-acquired Kurtis Foster), leading the shorthanded chances for the opposition.  If their power play wasn’t so awful, more people might be talking about the Devils insanely good penalty killing, which has only given up 9 power play goals all year (while scoring 7 SHGs themselves).

As Seen On TV: If you need our help telling you where to find the game on TV, you’re a sad Christmas puppy.

Meme of the Day:

Let’s Go Caps and God Bless us, every one! С Рождеством! (Merry xmas)

Editor’s Note: Doug Johnson of PuckBuddys writes for RMNB. There’s this new thing called Twitter; look into it.

The Pre Game: Some weeks…  they exist to test our mettle. Or remind us of what’s truly important. This has been one of those weeks.

Joe Frazier

First came news of the passing of Smokin’ Joe Frazier. A brawler of the first order and a retired sports ambassador of highest rank, we were jolted first thing Monday to learn of his death at just 67. “Respect and admiration,” is how Muhammad Ali remembers him. We join our fellow Michigander in his descant.

We just wish it were with that kind of dignity and accolade that Joe Paterno could’ve retired, but this week wouldn’t have it. Sucked into the vortex of a repugnant scandal swirling around him or partly of his making (everyone else is judging so we leave it up to you), JoePa has coached his last Big Ten game, just one week after achieving what must have been a long-held goal – most wins of any Division I coach, ever. He has coached at Penn State as long as I’ve drawn breath. The alleged horrors of Coach Sandusky and the criminal process will stand on their own. The lingering acrid smell of individuals with their eye on something other than the children’s and players’ well-being hangs foul over Happy Valley.

Wilson Ramos (AP)

And then Thursday we learn of Nats catcher Wilson Ramos being kidnapped from his home in Venezuela, bundled away by several men in an SUV. One man gone, another pushed aside, and a third hanging in the balance.  We’re left empty, with no target meriting lampoon. If there’s anything to be earned by this horrid week, perhaps it’s perspective on the Capitals slump.

The Puck Drop: Is it a slump? As always, it depends who you ask. If Coach Boudreau, Mike Knuble, and Brooks Laich are to be believed (and how could we not trust Brooksie?), that Caps 7-0 start got players a little soft, a little lazy. “Working harder” is something being thrown around a lot now, like manure in the Spring, and we’re sure Coach will do just that during practice. But at risk of sounding like a Dilbert strip, however, perhaps it’s not hardness but focus and purpose that the Caps are needing.

Which, frankly, isn’t something that can be said now of the Devils. Against inconsistent teams (*coughCarolinacough*) they’ve eked out a few victories, but faced with quality (don’t make me say who) or just odds, they’ve been turning up sour on the draw. Except recently. They’re 3-1 in the last four, compared to 2-4 in our last six. When is a streak a streak? When it continues. When is a slump a slump? When it doesn’t stop. Bringing us to the Devils key weapons:

What Makes Them Hot

Adam Henrique

1: Adam Henrique. What is it about French names… or at least Quebecois? The 21-year-old rookie may be no Patrick Elias, but he’s testing the limit, becoming the first rookie Devil (after Elias) to score two back-to-back game-winning goals. 7 points overall, and 4 goals in the last 3 games make this one red-hot Devil. And yes, we know that Henrique is an Ontarian, not Quebecer, but still, c’est bon! Shutting this guy down is job #1 for the Caps D.

Patrick Elias

2: Patrick Elias. Oh, him. Once upon a time, Elias was the hottest prospect cooking. Then he became a Devil, and has be a demon since. Devils Coach Dipwad or whatever has talked recently about his squad pulling it together, and cited Elias on several occasions as a unifying figure. Experience, skillz, and numbers so far this season (points in nearly every game) make Elias and wannabe Henrique lethal shooters.

3: Adam Larsson. PuckBuddys’ Devils correspondent and all-around hockey great guy Brian Marshallwrites:

Rookie Adam Larsson leads the Devils’ D in ice time. There have been some chinks in his previously ‘unflappable’ play of late, but he’s still as fine an 18-year-old defenseman as I’ve ever seen. Smooth on the body and on the puck. If only he had Seguin’s looks, I’d make you guys Devil fans!

First off, no, you won’t. Not ever. Second, he’s right about Larsson’s performance of late. Third, we’ll put up Skelleftea’s Swedish son against Seguin any day.

What Makes Them Not

1: Ow! My Groin! Words you never want to say, but hear too frequently when it comes to NHL players. Among them, Ilya Kovalchuk, a stalwart for the Thrashers before traipsing up to the Garden State. Frankly less a name than a bad hand a Scrabble, Kovalchuk is out on a “lower-body injury.” Which, wink-wink-nudge-nudge could be code for glass groin. Don’t expect to see him Friday or Saturday unless it’s all been a lark to rest him for the Caps.

2: Old Man “Mar-tahn”: Martin Brodeur was the stone in our soup last year and arguably one of the Devils’ keys. Perhaps that lock has now been picked. He had a craptacular game against Toronto, but has stepped back up in the last two. However, we think we’re staring to see “Abe Simpson” syndrome here; great guy, lotsa talent in his day, needing maybe to rethink what he can do against the young hot-shots sniping at him. Call us nuts, but while Brodeur is in the web, we’re feelin’ good. (H8rs can cut and paste that now to avoid the rush.)

3: Matchy-matchy. Brlgh. Despite being homosexicals, we confess we don’t know the first thing about fashion. We do, however, know about things that just shouldn’t be. Stripes with patterns? Even we know that’s wrong. What’s worse: the Devil’s matchy-matchy ensemble. What’s black, white, and red all over? A hideously dressed Devil. Seriously, there’s red and there’s red, and you can either pull it off or you can’t. New Jersey: please don’t make us say what everyone wants us to say; we don’t want to have a messy intervention.

The OT and Shoot Out: Like we said, we’re just not feeling up to taking cheap shots at our opponent this week. It’s reminded us how hard it is to be a professional athlete, how difficult it is to manage a sports operation, and how fickle fate can be. And also, what a garbage hole New Jersey is.

As Seen On TV:  Tune into CSN at 7:00pm for Joe B. and Locker with the call, and for the viewers among our rapidly diminishing New Jersey fan base, it’s on MSG.  Speaking of MSG, guess who’s a new pal of Mr. Devil himself, Ken Daneyko? Our very own Brian Marshall, that’s who! Gay hockey is the new black. Or Red.

A photo essay.

The Capitals booting from the Stanley Cup Playoffs in early May once again got the summer off to a premature start for the boys in red and their fearless leader. After all, peak season hadn’t even begun on the Vineyard and the lakes remained chilly in the White Mountains. But we RMNB chose not to focus on these grave hardships. No, instead we’re going to fire up the Google Machine and take a look back at Ovi’s summer, which spanned a mere 121 days. Alexander embarked on many adventures including a little shirtless soccer (and what summer is complete without that), a scandal involving his midsection that had “gate” on the end for some ridiculous reason, and commercials for Canadian candy bars, which are like regular candy bars except Canadian.

05/07/11 – Alex Ovechkin Arrives in Slovakia for the World Championships

Three days after the Bolts from the Bay swept the Capitals, the Great Eight hops on an airplane to join Team Russia at the 2011 World Championships, held in the land of Peter Bondra — Slovakia. The Ruskies will attempt to avenge their pitiful Silver Medal from the previous year. Most notably, Ovechkin emerges from the terminal in Vienna wearing his customary Dolce and Gabbana garb, sandals, and pants — over his pants. Yeah, and you thought the Large Hadron Collider was going to cause a black hole.

View the full post >>

05/10/11 – Team Russia Ditches Morning Skate and Plays Soccer

Ahead of its quarter-final matchup with their ice-hole arch-rivals Canada, Team Russia assistant coach Igor Zakharkin orders his players to abandon their team’s scheduled morning practice — and their shirts — and instead play soccer at Rapid Stadium in Bratislava. Please note for later reference in this post: Ovechkin doesn’t look fat. Some other folks, however…

View the full post >>

05/12/11 – Russia Rallies to Beat Canada, 2-1

Zakharkin’s shirtless soccer game apparently pays off as Ilya Kovalchuk scores in the final minutes of the third period, giving Russia a 2-1 victory. The win comes despite Ovechkin going scoreless for a third straight game. But no one cares about that: Russia’s better than Canada!!! (Except for the whole, you know, being a functional democracy part.)

View the full post >>

05/15/11 – Russia Loses in the Bronze Medal Game

Wuh oh! After being shutout, 3-0, by Finland two days earlier, Russia ends the tournament without a medal, losing to the Czech Republic, 7-4. In six World Championship games, the Great Eight goes point-less. He flies home to Russia the next day. The ridiculousness of his pants for this flight will remain a mystery.

View the full post >>

06/03/11 – Ovi Guest of Honor at Evgeny Kuznetsov’s Wedding

At the ripe age of 19, Caps’ mega-prospect Evgeny Kuznetsov weds his girlfriend of under a year, Nastya. Ovechkin flies to Chelyabinsk to support Kuznetsov and hangs out in Kuzya’s hometown for four days before departing for home.

View the full post >>

06/08/11 – Ovechkin Spotted at Premiere of New Russian Movie

After being surrounded by lovebirds in Chelyabinsk for almost a full week, Ovi brings a lovely lady and his father Mikhail to the movie premiere of “All Inclusive!” There are literally infinite ways to make an awkward joke here, but we’re far too civilized.

View the full post >>

06/09/11 – Beers and Hookah

Ovi gets international attention after being spotted in a Russian restaurant consuming hookah, lots of beer, and fried steaks. Sounds fun, and all for the low price of 30,000 rubles (about 1,000 bucks). Now that does seem like a lot, but Ovi also ordered a couple of salads so really it’s quite fair.

View the full post >>

06/14/11 – Ovechkin Presents 1,000,000 Rubles to Dynamo Moscow Youth Hockey Program

Alex does the charity thing on behalf of the shaving overlords at Gillette, presenting a check to Dynamo’s youth hockey program for 1,000,000 Rubles.

View the full post >>

Date: Unknown – Ovechkin In Da Moscow Clubs

In this photo from one of Moscow’s fine ear drum imploding dance clubs, the captain is shocked by how stupid it is for the woman to be wearing sunglasses indoors.

Photos via Alex Ovetjkin >>

07/04/11 – Ovi Returns to North America

The Great Eight popped in to the DC area for a jiffy around the Fourth of July, and was spotted at this establishment with John Carlson, a great American icon on his own. No word on whether Carlson slid on one knee and fist pumped in lieu of fireworks.

Around this time, Ovi filmed the (in)famous interview with Mike Vogel from Capitals and mysteriously flew off to the Great White North for a delicious commercial shoot.

View the full post >>

07/16/11 – Ovi Shows Up at Maxim Afinogenov’s Wedding

Wedding Number Two: Ovechkin makes the short 5,000 mile over sea drive to Moscow from Arlington to attend the wedding of hockey player Maxim Afinogenov and tennis player Elena Dementieva. The Russian paparazzi claim Ovi brought along a female friend, but all photograph evidence appears to have gone the way of Gaddafi.

View the full post >>

07/16/11 – Fat-Gate

Ah, torso-gate, chubby-gate, or maybe even slight-outward-curvature-gate — whatever you want to call it, this was the biggest Ovechkin news of the summer caused by slouching in a big couch that no one will remember in a year.

View the full post >>

07/24/11 – Alex Ovechkin Honored with Hat and Burka at Halftime of Russian Soccer Game

What do you get when you mix Alex Ovechkin, a traditional Dagestani burka and papakha, flip flops, and a soccer game? Yeah, we have no idea either, but it looks absolutely ridiculous.

View the full post >>

07/29/11 – Alex Ovechkin Endorses Canadian Candy Bar Mr. Big.

“Be big deal like me!”

View the full post >>

08/22/11 – First Alex Ovechkin Mr. Big Commerical Drops in Canada

This little gem dropped when Ian was vacationing on the Outer Banks, so naturally we didn’t do anything. But in a line straight out of a motivational poster, Ovechkin tells the viewer to “make impossible possible!”

View the full post >>

08/29/11 – Ovi Gets Interviewed by Pavel Lysenkov

Hey look, Ovi’s not fat!

View the full post >>

08/29/11 – Ovi in a Rap Video

Ovechkin seems to have a thing for cameos in rap music videos. Or maybe the video makers have a thing for Alex Ovechkin. Either way, can you beat lyrics with a much heartfelt meaning as this?

Alumni of Dynamo
8 on the back.
In the All-Star game all attention is on me.

In the NatTeam since 17
Scored 100 points in a season
Gold medal in Canada in ’08

I’m going to wager this rhymes better in Russian.

View the full post >>

08/31/11 – Ovechkin, Kovalchuk Lead Second Annual Charity Game in Russia

Hey look! It’s Alex Ovechkin on the ice and playing hockey. Looks pretty good, eh?

The Russian Machine managed to score four goals and also register an assist. The game ended predictably in an 11-11 tie.

Most importantly, a boatload of money was raised for charity — about 15 million rubles worth to be exact. NHL stars Evgeny Malkin and Ilya Kovalchuk also participated.

Is it October yet?

View the full post >>

09/02/11 – Ovi Signs Big Money Endorsement Deal with Nike

Late Thursday night, word surfaced that Ovi signed a sponsorship deal with Nike. Yes, the Nike that doesn’t sell anything hockey related. Clearly this is a move to corner the vitally important 25-year-old Russian millionaire whose wardrobe consists mainly of T-shirts given to him market.

View the full post >>

09/02/11 – Alex Ovechkin Flies Back to DC

Summer over.

Ian Oland contributed writing, along with fancy graphics and formatting.

Fedor Fedin contributed translating.

Photo credit: Elena Rusko

After being eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning, Alex Ovechkin joined Team Russia with hopes of a different outcome at the 2011 World Championships in Slovakia. Once again, however, Ovi will began with summer vacation without a championship as Russia fell, 7-4, to the Czech Republic in the Bronze Medal Game. This ends an awful tournament for the Great Eight. After being held scoreless yet again — while registering four shots and being a minus-one — he ends the Worlds with zero points in six games.

Later in the day, Finland, the team that defeated Russia in the semi-finals, bested Sweden by a score of 6-1 to win its second ever World Championship.

As for Russia’s match, it was a wild one. The 11 total goals mark an all-time IIHF high for a third place game. Czech player Roman Cervenka — who plays for a Russian club team, Avangard Omsk of the KHL — netted a hat-trick, while teammate Petr Prucha — also of aRussian KHL team, in this case SKA Saint Petersburg — tallied two goals. On the other end, Devils’ star Ilya Kovalchuk was Russia’s main source of offense in the loss, registering two goals. Russian goalie Konstantin Barulin — who was drafted by the Blues in 2003 but opted to stay in homeland — took the brunt of the Czech offensive explosion, giving up six goals before the seventh was scored on an empty net.

Now, Ovechkin’s offseason starts. He stated that he plans to revamp his summer training regimen after beginning the regular season in admittedly less than top form. “I’m at a time where I want to be better and better, ” Ovi said the day after being bounced from the playoffs. “So, I don’t want to stop finding the right way to be better. … It’s going to be new for me because I don’t want to stop. I want to keep growing up like a player, like a person too.”

We, however, eagerly await more photos of him in a Speedo.

Game Photos

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: David W. Cerny

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Elena Rusko

Photo credit: Elena Rusko

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

RolinekFace strikes again.  (Photo credit: Jukka Rautio)

Photo credit: Jukka Rautio

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

With a thrilling third period comeback against Canada, Team Russia and Alex Ovechkin are off to the semi-finals of the World Championships in Slovakia. Down, 1-0, midway through the final frame, Alexei Kaigorodov converted on a shorthanded breakaway to knot the score. Then, just over three minutes later, the Devils’ 100 million dollar man Ilya Kovalchuk rifled home a one-timer from the slot to give the Russians the lead and send their arch-rival home empty handed. Russia will face Finland, with the winner going to the gold metal game, on Sunday.

Despite the victory, Alex Ovechkin was held off the board for the third straight contest. He was, however, robbed of an assist when play was whistled dead after Canada’s Marc Methot went down after being hit by the puck, which was corralled by Russia with a wide-open Canadian net. Ovi also managed one shot on goal in 18:52 of time on ice.

Additional Photos & Video

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Jason Spezza scored Canada’s only goal. (Photo credit: Matthew Manor)

Methot reacts after getting hit with an Alex Ovechkin shot. (Photo credit: Matthew Manor)

Photo credit: Petr Josek

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Video: Alexei Kaigorodov’s unbelievable shorthanded goal (via @R17a)

Team Russia celebrates Kaigordov’s goal. (Photo credit: Petr Josek)

Jeff Skinner and Ovechkin tumble to the ice after Skinner trips-up Ovi. (Photo credit: Grigory Dukor)

Kovalchuk puts Russia ahead. (Photo credit: Petr Josek)

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor