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What did I say yesterday? Do not smite the hockey gods lest you shall pay. In game one of the Stanley Cup Finals, Jaromir Jagr hit the post in second overtime and then collided with teammate and part-time bouncer, Milan Lucic. Shades of this, amirite?

Next for Jagr: locusts!

Looks that matter: Hetfield ’91

Wut. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel)

Jaromir Jagr is a lot of things: a future hall of famer, a late-night gym rat, and a mullet connoisseur. He’s also a two-time Stanley Cup champion, and at 41, he’s about to make what may be his final run for a cup.

It’s a great story, but Jagr now looks poised to repeat his disappointing performance in Washington–  once again lacking the mental fortitude to persevere in the face of adversity. Yeah. Jagr totally quit on his playoff beard.

As Jagr spoke to media on Tuesday, he showed off his new facial hair. I will to describe it to you, so don’t be alarmed or upset. Small children may want to skip this article.

First, Jagr dyed his beard jet black because, as he put it, “you’ve got to look tough” in the finals. Gone are the salt-and-pepper whiskers of a grizzled veteran. In their place– the faux-colored beard of that guy in college who always turned off the stereo at parties so he could play the opening bars of “Nothing Else Matters.” Yeah, real intimidating, JJ.

Jagr also shaved off most of his chin hair, leaving a soul patch for no comprehensible reason except maybe he’s trying to start a Fastball tribute band. Jagr now looks like a cross between Wolverine, the Czech version of James Hetfield (see above), and Justin Timberlake in Motherlover.

Jagr obviously did not consult RMNB’s #beardpact manuscript, before grabbing his razor. Article X, corollary IV of sacred text clearly reads:

You may trim or clean-up parts of your beard scruff only during off days before the next round of play. If you cut off any part of your beard, you are not only a coward; you are condemning your team to actual hell in the next round.

(Also, do not publish photos of an oil painting where your favorite team’s players and management are accepting the Stanley Cup from tiny elf people. As if that would ever happen.)

Tsk tsk, 68. When trying to explain the Bruins’ Stanley Cup loss 14 days from now, analysts might drop stats and pundits will talk about mental toughness, but we’ll all know the truth. Deep down, we all know it’s your fault. This shaving bonanza is an affront to the hockey gods, and now you will be smote. Expect delay-of-game penalties, broken skate blades, improvisational dentistry, rung pipes, and enough shattered twigs to mulch your vegetable garden. At least this time, Caps fans will delight in your failure. That’ll be a welcome change.

Photo credit: Boston Bruins

Photo credit: probably staff photographer at the Globe or something

Photo compilation by bruinsofboston

Early Morning Skate: So, the last time we were here, we were there. Filthy Philadelphia, needing a solid road win, and feeling optimistic to start. In fact, we were all, like, yay here we gowhattheflipwasthat?! and c’mon Holtbeast get it together and then yay Groooouuubsie and boooo Max Talbot grrr grrrr and ow that traffic-cone orange makes my soul weep and that was pretty much the best summary of that ugly mess of a game I can imagine.

Mmmm…tastes like Cheez Whiz

What exactly was it that happened that terrible, cold February night at the F-U Center? Where, exactly, were manimal Troy Brouwer and Captain 8 (despite being probably the best in Red on the ice that night) and John “Towelie” Carlson and the Millionaire and his wife and the nameless rest? Certainly not there to play hard, or at least battle back through a tough start. And why was it, exactly, the Lord Supreme in His wisdom didst create that dung-heap of a burg to begin with?

Now this is our idea of a hot Fly team. Really.

You see, I’d like to chalk up that bumbling bungle of a game simply to our visiting the giant spirit suck that is Philly and its moronic fans. Like to, but cannot. Yeah, there were a couple fluky puck bounces and what-not, but those things give as much as they take. No, what we saw was a failure to launch by the Capitals after a dis-spiriting start. It was not, in any possible permutation of the concept, ‘good.’

The Puck Drop: But it’s Spring, and Easter (for some) or Maru (for others) or Passover or Nowruz or we’re just going to stop this now. Traditionally, it’s a time for rebirth and renewal and rejuvenation and reloading and all that. For the Capitals’ flock, it’s once more the race to the playoffs.

For several years now, the Capitals have demonstrated fine mettle in April, much like the pale gossamer jonquils besotting the landscape, if those jonquils were angry, snarling, forechecking, glass-smashing monsters made of steel and laser beams.

In short, there’s two ways this ends. One: we leave Filthydelphia redolent of Whiz, covered in soot and chagrin; or two, you can eat me Peter Laviolette. No wait, that’s a given. Oh yes; or two, we bounce outta Barftown and kick it into grinder gear for the coming match-ups against the Canes and ugly Islanders (revenge want now) and be the team that showed up to rub Winnipeg’s nose in its own dark, dark shame. I know which one I’m hoping for.

So let’s git ‘er done.

Who’s Hot and Who’s Snot

• Let’s just get this out of the way: what is it with you and first names, Flyers? Maxime? Jody? Zac? Zac?! Fine if you’re a British boy band, but Zac? Ugh, sign two players named Herp and Derp and you’ve got a full house.
• There’s an old adage that goes ‘What comes up must come down’, which is patently untrue if you are helium or the Blackhawks or Lindsay Lohan’s legal bills. We prefer ‘What goes down stays down,’ which we just made up but will use to prove our point. The Flyers haven’t so much been stumbling of late as they have been losing, while the Capitals overall (let’s not quibble, shall we?) have been demonstrating real hockeytude across the squad. The Flyers must therefore lose, QED.
• The Flyers do have some genuine stand-outs – Jakub Voracek and Claude Giroux and a Schenn or something – who can be good deal sealers. But like we saw in their recent outings with cross-town rivals the Pittsburgh Flightless Stenchbirds, the energy and kick appears bottled up in just a few players, while the Pens (and oh how I hate myself for saying this) work well together across the squad, and that was before getting Iggy. We were suffering from this dread condition earlier in the season, too, but have at least mitigated it. Which is better: a few star talents and a bunch of mugs, or a more even distribution of skill? Capitalism or soshulizms? Hmmm?
• I have it on good authority that Jesus would particularly like a Capitals win today.
• To be “fair and balanced” – ha! – it is true that the Crapitals have some players who feel a little like large leaden weights tied around our ankles while we’re trying to swim. Marcus Johansson appears to be skating with one eye scanning for the door. Jeff Schultz (who is probably among the most decent people around, so, sorry) might as well be eating Doritos out on the ice, and Mike Green…oof, where to start. I’ve seen more spunk among members of the Whitehills Senior Center’s “Jeopardy!” fan club. (If you’re reading, Mr. Trebek, I love your show!) Is this a “Tale of Two Teams” moment? “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.”
• Conventional wisdom – which is never wrong I’ll have you know – has it that Adam Oates has at least one more good year here to show progress before GMGM hits the ejector button, while Coach Laviolette – which actually means “smelly cheese” in French, look it up – has but a few more games. Oooh, everyone’s getting a little snippy, aren’t they? I wonder what could be on people’s minds. I wonder…
• Rough trade. Is what’s on people’s minds, I mean. You know, like the trade deadlines? What…what did you think I meant? Ohhh…and on Easter Sunday, of all days. Hmmph. Oh, one last thing:
• JINX! Jinxjinxjinx. Doublejinx! There, you silly nannies, for those who believe in ‘jinxes’ we’ve just double-finger-crossed the jinx spirits and you can put your delicate little heads to rest now about the PuckBuddys curse, OK?

The Late Line:

While intubated in the emergency room following the Hinckley assassination attempt, President Reagan scrawled a note to one of his nurses. Cribbing from W.C. Fields, it read “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” It was touch-and-go, but he survived.

On the whole, I’d rather we not have to be in Philadelphia. There should be a law against having to travel there on a High Holy Day, or a birthday, or any day with a “y”. But here we are. At least Jaromir Jagr isn’t around anymore (tee hee.)

Flyers lead early, Caps battle back, 4-3, but close, kids.

Photo credit: Kyle Terada

Alex Ovechkin is no stranger to the Olympic games, but this summer in London he’s just along for the ride. He’s been watching his girlfriend Maria Kirlienko compete in tennis for Russia and soaking in the special atmosphere of the Olympics, watching events, meeting new people, forming new friensh –

Wait wait, back up, what is this?

We know the Olympics are all about fellowshipping and the athletic spirit overcoming all boundaries, but this is just taking it too far. We’ve received these photos of Ovechkin watching a Russia-Kazakhstan tennis doubles match on our 24-hour emergency hotline set up specifically for monitoring Jagr proximity. The incident took place yesterday at a Russia-Kazakhstan women’s tennis doubles match won by Kirilenko and her partner Nadia Petrova. Both men were apparently there cheering on Team Russia, though the reasons for Jagr’s sudden fandom are much less clear than Ovechkin’s reasons.

Jaromir Jagr remains Public Enemy Number One in Washington DC after bilking the Capitals franchise out of millions of dollars and carrying them off in giant bags with dollar signs on them, twirling his villainous mustache. We’d prefer that Ovechkin stay far away from him whenever possible, in case Jagr is somehow contagious. One cannot be too careful.

We prefer the other Jagr/Ovechkin Olympic moment.

S/T to sashastolemyheart.tumblr.com

Photo illustration by Ian Oland.

Guess what tomorrow is? That’s right! Canada Day!

It also happens to be NHL Free Agency, the wildest and kookiest hockey day of the year. The Capitals aren’t expected to make any world-shaking moves this year, but you never know. The spirit of capitalism can possess even the most level-headed of GMs and make them act like crazy people, so stay tuned here tomorrow while we update you on what’s going down. The Caps have a few holes to fill, a few free agents who will find new homes — and who knows, maybe McPhee will trade Backstrom for Jeff Skinner or something, and we’ll all have to drink ourselves into oblivion.

Anything is possible! But luckily, not everything is likely, so follow us below the jump for your Guide to Free Agency 2012.

How much cap space do the Caps have?

from capgeek.com

The Caps have $20,805,428 to spend this offseason, but they also have a good part of their own roster to re-sign. Expect most of the unrestricted free agents to walk; expect most of the restricted free agents to sign. The Caps have made qualifying offers to Jay Beagle, Mathieu Perreault, Mike Green, and John Carlson, and though Perreault and Green may warrant some thought, they will likely be signed.

Once the Capitals have taken care of their own free agents, expect them to have anywhere from $10-15 M to spend. With that, they could buy this beautiful home in McLean, Virginia! Alternately, they could sign some hockey players.

Who is likely leaving?

Photo credit: Clydeorama

Mike Knuble:  Shut up. We’re not crying, it’s raining on our faces.

Jeff Halpern:  We bear no ill feelings for the former Caps captain as he gets set to leave Washington. Quite the opposite, in fact, Halpern filled the role that he was brought in to fill admirably, and was good-natured about adversity when things weren’t going his way. Jay Beagle seems set to step into his shoes, but we have no issues recommending Halpern’s services to a good home. Four stars, would acquire again.

Dennis Wideman:  Already traded and signed with the Calgary Flames, to a 5-year, $5.25 M/year contract with a no-movement clause. Well okay. You do whatever you feel is good, Calgary.

Where will Semin go?

Photo credit: Greg Flume

Sadly, probably not here. For the first time in his NHL career, Semin will explore the possibility of signing with a team other than the Washington Capitals, maybe even in the KHL. We love him, but that’s why we’re letting him go. We heard that in a country song one time.

What are the Caps’ needs?

Photo credit: Kathy Kmonicek

The Caps have gone a long way towards replacing Semin’s production with the acquisition of Mike Ribeiro, who scores 20 goals like clockwork and will be a capable 2C. However, as far as positional depth goes, we still have big hole on wing that will need to be filled. There aren’t many top-six quality wingers on the free agency market, and the Caps probably won’t be in on any of the big names. Nonetheless, here’s who’s available.

P.A. Parenteau: The 29-year-old winger is a relative unknown, which is a side effect of playing with the New York Islanders. Caps fans should know him, however, as the pain in the neck who seemed to score against us at every opportunity.  We recognize this as the cry for help that it is, and would be happy to rescue him from Long Island Purgatory if the price is right.

Ray Whitney:  Another underrated winger playing some of the best hockey of his life at the age of 40. The Caps haven’t been too kind to their senior citizens in recent years, but maybe new coach Adam Oates can tempt a fellow playmaker into our ranks. Of course, the rumor is that he wants to go back to Carolina where he still owns a home — which leads us to wonder, why does everyone always want to go to Carolina? Do they know something we don’t? Is it the weather, what is it?

Dustin Penner:  Penner hasn’t played up to expectations for awhile now, but this last season with the L.A. Kings was a disaster, with the left winger scoring only seven goals in 65 games, not to mention his unfortunate run-in with a stack of pancakes. Still, L.A. fans weren’t complaining when he scored the OT goal to send the Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals. He can’t hear you, he’s got his two Stanley Cup Rings plugging his ears.

What about defense?

Photo credit: Jim McIsaac

Dmitry Orlov stepped up as a surprisingly NHL-ready defenseman last year, which means we have one less hole to fill, but with with Dennis Wideman’s absence the Caps are in need of one more solid D.

Jason Garrisson: Garrison is coming off a career year with the Panthers, scoring 16 goals and 33 points as a defenseman. He’s recently been credited as a player who “does everything Wideman does and more”, a power play quarterback who can actually defend as well. A defenseman who can defend? Sign us up!

Matt Carle: The Caps would do well to stay away from this one. Wideman’s signing made the market for an offensive defenseman look awfully scary, and there will be many teams who will be interested in the former Flyer’s services. That said, he’s a heck of a player, and we wouldn’t be upset about acquiring him as long as we didn’t have to sell any limbs to do it.

Bryan Allen: A much more reasonable option. Canes’ GM Jim Rutherford made Allen an offer, but Allen wasn’t interested, choosing to go to free agency instead. Allen won’t get the kind of paydays that some of his more offensive counterparts will, a defensive defenseman who logs tons of minutes and regularly kills penalties, who also led the Canes with 188 blocked shots. That sounds fine by us.

Who should the Caps avoid like the plague?

Jaromir Jagr: NOPE.

Martin Brodeur:  Brodeur is a legend, and one of the best who ever played. He can go be a legend somewhere else, we prefer hot-blooded up-and-coming goalies to elder statesmen.

Andrei Kostitsyn: Unless we plan on trading a problem for a problem, avoid like the plague. Kostitsyn is a poor man’s Alex Semin with bonus coaching issues and mob connections. Nope.

Wishful thinking

Zach Parise: Regular 30-goal scorer Parise is a prize in a shallow field, and we estimate he will sign a 20-year deal for 500 gold bricks a year. It’s unlikely that the Caps will make a play for Parise — in fact, the most likely suitors seems to be the Minnesota Wild and the Pittsburgh Penguins, so we should probably be preparing ourselves to hate his guts instead.

Don’t do it, Zach. Make good choices.

Bobby Ryan:  Now this one is a little more likely. Once Parise finds a home, Ryan will be the next biggest prize on the market, and one that the Caps are a little more likely to take a shot at. He’s one of the best deals in the league when it comes to salary versus production, having scored at least 30 goals for the last four season at a cap hit of $5.1 million. We’ve love to see him in a Capitals uniform, but the asking price is still steep. Put in a good word for us, Bruce?

Ryan Suter: What Zach Parise is to the forward market, Suter is to the defenseman market. In the Caps’ case, that means he’s an elaborate distraction meant to draw all eyes and offers so we can quietly slip in and talk to the others. We’ve got little to no chance at landing him. We will probably survive.

Shane Doan:  Doan bleeds Coyotes red and it would be tough to pry him out of Phoenix, but July 1st has rolled around and he is still unsigned. This guy plays like a prototype for a Canadian supersoldier, tough, gritty, productive, and would be a dream in the Caps’ lineup. Has he had enough of the constant ownership issues? Is he looking to go to a contender? Do we ask the same leading questions about Shane Doan every year?

Don’t expect too much of a splash tomorrow. George McPhee has never been inclined to throw money around in free agency, because he’s not stupid because he prefers to build through the draft and through trade instead. But a serious rebuild of the core has been threatening for some time now, and perhaps this is the year that core finally splits up.

At least one of the former Young Guns seems set to leave town tomorrow. Will it be more than one? Will we be shocked and angry, or underwhelmed? Will our favorite players still be in Caps red at the end of the day? We’ll have to wait and see.

Photo credit: Nick Wass

With fewer than 20 games left, the Washington Capitals badly needed a win from the Philadelphia Flyers to stay competitive. This Sunday night rendezvous held pretty high stakes for the Caps, and the team responded with a distinguished effort. But effort ain’t goals.

After a scoreless first period, Eric Wellwood redirected an outside shot from Pavel Kubina to make it 1-0. That’s the whole story. Flyers beat Caps 1-0.

• The way Alex Ovechkin moved in to check Pavel Kubina before that first goal is a damning example of his insouciance on defense. If Ovi had his stick on the ice or his hips squared to Kubina, that would not have been a goal.
• CSN’s Chuck Gormley reported that Ovechkin missed the next 7:26. Is this accountability from Coach Hunter? If you listen to some people, that’s what cost Boudreau his job. Oh dear, this is all we’re gonna be reading on Monday, isn’t it?
• Ovechkin still had 7 shots, 6 hits, a bunch of scoring chances, and one empty net save. Let’s not blow this up too much.
• Round of drinks for the smallfolk: Jay Beagle and Dmitry Orlov  both were contributing to the offense while limiting chances against. Beagle had a few net-crashing moments, and Orlov’s slappers created some panic for Bryz up front.
• FIGHT: Troy Brouwer vs. Scott Hartnell. Go for the hockey violence, stay for the dramatically flowing orange curls.
• Jason Chimera got blown up by Wayne Simmonds in the second period. On tilt after that, Chimera got away with a slash on Claude Giroux’s writst. Then he slammed the bench door (that door had a big night) and had a hissy fit. Chimera was your only player with a minor penalty all night. The refs just sorta phoned it in.
• Mike Knuble made his return loud and clear. 4 hits, 2 shots, and one great breakaway that Ilya Bryzgalov just barely refused. That should be enough for another start. Should.
• Four shots of Jaromir Jagr. No goals. Screw Jagr blah blah blah. Our heart’s just not in it.
• Bad luck > Ilya Bryzgalov. The weirdo still got 34 saves though. Obviously, the humangous big universe is on his side.

The Florida Panthers won on Sunday. The Caps are 5 points back.

The Capitals now have a shutout problem. Even with some solid goaltending, they didn’t put up enough offense.  That makes two full hours without a goal. The “on-ice product” is pretty crappy right now. I’d check the manufacturer’s warranty.

Yeah. It seems Mike Knuble’s curse has spread to the whole team. That’s probably bad news for one of these guys…

After years of knowing he was on the far side of the world, Verizon Center is about to have another unpleasant outbreak of Jaromir Jagr. Tuesday’s game with the Philadelphia Flyers marks Jagr’s return to to his old team, reminding us all of a dark time in Caps history.

In deference to JJ, I have created two posters, ready to print and download.

The mondo links below will download PDFs, which fit an 8.5 x 11 page perfectly. Download the files and print a million of these little dudes out (on post-consumer paper, duh) to pass out to everyone you see at Verizon Center. Make some noise for 68 and let ‘em know you remember him fondly. Hahaha.

DOWNLOAD THE NO-JAGR SIGN
DOWNLOAD THE $40 MILLION SIGN

Also, check out our DALE posters (recently seen on NHL Live!)

Tuesday night is a big deal. For the first time since February 10, 2008, Jaromir Jagr will play hockey at Verizon Center. Since he is perhaps the most reviled person in Washington Capitals history, there’s no way this doesn’t get ugly.

As a Pittsburgh Penguin, Jaromir Jagr finished eight seasons with more than 90 points, ran flak for Mario Lemieux, and beat the hell out of the Caps in five of six playoff series. Then something even worse happened: he became a Washington Capital.

Fans can have honest disagreement about what the dark days of the Washington Capitals actually were. No wait; they can’t. That first season going a pathetic 8-67-5 doesn’t come close to unbridled misery of the Jaromir Jagr era (October 6, 2001 – January 21, 2004). It began like this: Acquired from a broke Pittsburgh team, Jagr would earn eleven million dollars a  year as a Capital.

But he never hit 40 goals, he never hit 90 points, and he never hit other skaters (okay, maybe a few times). Like an incompetent cowboy wrangling through the wilderness, Jagr went his own way. Even paired with the esteemed Robert Lang and given oodles of ice, Jagr was a catastrophic waste of time and resources. He set off a chain of disastrous events that escalated until the Fire Sale and the coming of Alex Ovechkin.

But at the time, owner Ted Leonsis touted the acquisition as if it were the Caps’ entrance to the big time:

This puts us on the national scene, because we now have a really, really great hockey team. I hope this knocks the chip off people’s shoulders in Washington and they come out and buy tickets. Now’s the time to prove this is a hockey town, that it loves sports, and we’re as good a team as any others. [Washington Post, July 12, 2001]

Jagr had been poison to D.C. through the 1990s, but the organization (including GM George McPhee) considered him the missing puzzle piece. This consideration somehow overlooked the declining speed of a once-gifted skater; his dependence on the 90′s biggest playmaker, Mario Dagnabbit Lemieux; and his diminishing constitution and increasing weight.

The Caps never won the Southeast Division with Jagr. They saw only one playoff series, winning only two games in it. Jagr played hurt. Also: poorly.

Two and a half years later, Leonsis and McPhee agreed to eat $20M of Jagr’s bill and ship his ass up to Manhattan… where the bastard started producing again, putting up 123 points in 05-06.

Jaromir Jagr set back the Washington Capitals by half a decade. Jaromir Jagr rendered unto dust a plucky Capitals fanbase. Jaromir Jagr frittered away tens of millions of dollars. Jaromir Jagr tainted the autumn of Peter Bondra’s career. Jaromir Jagr skulked and dissembled throughout his time in Washington and never embraced the fans.

But now Jaromir Jagr is forgotten. We found scoring in Alex Ovechkin, fortitude in Nick Backstrom, leadership in Chris Clark and Sergei Fedorov and Brooks Laich and Mike Knuble and a half dozen other guys.

Whatshisname with the mullet shadow and bad attitude? Who cares.

After a few years getting paid truckloads of money in the KHL, word circulated that Jagr was interested in finishing his career back in America. The rumors washed over us like Omsk rainwater off the hood a freshly waxed Ferrari. Somebody else’s problem, we thought. We’ve already got our team.

Jagr flirted with Pittsburgh, but he ultimately flaked out and spurned them in favor of the Philadelphia Flyers, who were willing to pay more and had fractionally fewer disabled superstars. Jagr is now making $3.3 million dollars to play hockey in that putrid orange sweater. He’s already got 10 goals on the season without getting much time on ice.

Jagr has now played on four of the seven teams in what must inevitably become known as The Jagr Conference. Because that’s the kind of sick world in which we live.

And on Tuesday night, Jaromir Jagr comes home. Not his real home. Not even his fake home. D.C. is just some place from which Jagr took $40 million dollars and change; the pride of hockey faithful; and one huge, steaming, metaphorical dump of hockey.

Welcome back, 68.

Photo credit: Robert Beck/SI

Evgeny Kuznetsov speeds down the middle during Traktor’s game against Yugra Khanty-Mansiysk (Photo credit: Vitaly Gubin, Traktor PR Service)

Caps prospect Evgeny Kuznetsov, currently sitting in the top 15 in both goals and points (12g, 12a), was named a KHL All-Star for the second time on Monday. Unlike last season, Kuznetsov was overwhelmingly voted in as a starter this year by fans and will represent “Team Fedorov” of the Eastern conference. The 19-year-old Traktor Chelyabinsk forward finished second overall in total votes (33,800), trailing only Mikelis Redlihs of the Western Conference’s “Team Ozolins.”

To put Kuznetsov’s immense popularity in perspective, consider that he garnered more votes than reigning MVP Alexander Radulov, Roman Cervenka (the KHL’s leading scorer), Vladimir Tarasenko, and Russian National Team Captain Alexei Morozov.

Recently, Sovetsky Sport’s Pavel Lysenkov did a lengthy feature story on Kuznetsov, who some have called the new face of the KHL. Like most interviews with Russian players, the story starts off with questions about Vityaz Chekhov, who was recently beaten by Traktor on the scoreboard and tried to beat them back with their fists.

Most importantly to Caps fans, Kuznetsov discussed his possible NHL future, his contract situation, and who he idolized as a kid. Below the jump, I have the translation.

Evgeny Kuznetov: It’s difficult for Vityaz and Coach Nazarov to prove themselves anymore. What’s left for their enforcers? They need to fight somebody. I think every club in the KHL should have a tough guy. Let them fight each other. That’s useful. You get a “policeman” on the ice and everyone sees they shouldn’t touch the other players.

Pavel Lysenkov: Have you seen what Gimaev said to Sovetsky Sport? “[Russia] has to keep Kuznetsov until the Olympics”.

Evgeny Kuznetov: Right now my agent is negotiating with Washington. I am going to meet the team representatives when I am at the World Junior Championships in Calgary. I have no idea what kind of offer I am going to get. For now I am not going anywhere. I still have another half season to go on my contract with Traktor.

Pavel Lysenkov: National Team head Coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov also said you should not go.

Evgeny Kuznetov: I would stay in the KHL for 15 years! But in Russia they’re not used to giving out such long contracts. Who would pay a young player the money Ovechkin is getting in Washington? If I were offered a KHL contract like the one Ovechkin has, I’d sign it without a doubt! And I would play for Traktor until the end of my career. Wherever you get paid is a good place to be. That’s our job. But I have a dream to test myself in the NHL.

Pavel Lysenkov: Do you watch games of that league?

Evgeny Kuznetov: Yes, of course. It’s impressive that they squeeze so much out of half-chances. Mediocre players grind it out and score goals just on their character. In the NHL you’ve got to do everything very fast. In the KHL, the game is more finesse.

Pavel Lysenkov: What did Alex Ovechkin say when he hung out with you at your wedding party?

Evgeny Kuznetov: “Don’t worry. Come to the NHL and everything will be okay.” I went to Caps’ Development Camp after the draft last year. I went into the locker room and walked around for a week with my jaw on the floor.

Pavel Lysenkov: Why?

Evgeny Kuznetov: I came without a uniform. A man measured me with just a look. Then I returned from the hotel and the uniform of my size was already hanging there! After the training session, I started hanging it up. The equipment guy waved and said, “Throw it down! I’ll pick it up myself!” There’s professionalism everywhere. All you have to concentrate on is playing hockey.

Pavel Lysenkov: Is the KHL different?

Evgeny Kuznetov: In Traktor, they also help us handle our luggage. But in America you don’t even see these people [handling equipment]. You can go to Vegas with your wife. Or catch some sun rays in Miami. And return in time for the game. I know, many guys do that. But here – there is some lack of trust in the players. You must be with the team the day before a game.

Pavel Lysenkov: You know North America well.

Evgeny Kuznetov: So far, I’ve been there like 10 times. I played in Canada. I lived in New York. The first time I flew there I was 14. I just got my international passport! My mom put me on a plane, and my uncle godfather picked me up in New York. I played for a local team with a Russian coach. I walked around Manhattan. Bought souvenirs. I went to McDonald’s, and ordered by myself. Then I put 25 cents in a public phone, called my uncle and told him where I was standing and he picked me up. The weather was a bit of a let down. It was raining for the first three weeks. I wanted to swim in the ocean. My godfather said, “Let’s go to the beach”. All the Americans were hiding under their umbrellas. I ran right into the waves. They were thinking there goes some crazy Russian kid. But then some followed me. The water turned out to be pretty warm.

Pavel Lysenkov: Who do you like among hockey players?

Evgeny Kuznetov: I follow a lot of players. What they do during the game, how they hold their stick for a faceoff. You try to pick up few tricks. Malkin and Datsyuk of course are top class.

Pavel Lysenkov: Have you met them?

Evgeny Kuznetov: No. Alexander Semin played in Chelyabinsk at one point. But he probably doesn’t remember me. I was little, about eight years old. They lived at the boarding school for the kids from out of town. I was spending all my time at the stadium. Went right by the school and to the rink.

Pavel Lysenkov: Did you ask for Semin’s stick?

Evgeny Kuznetov: I asked other guys from Traktor’s squad for their sticks. Nobody gave me one. I became their teammate in like eight years.

Pavel Lysenkov: When you were 12, Canadians made a movie about you. How did they know you’d be a famous player?!

Evgeny Kuznetov: Canadians sent a letter beforehand saying they need Kuznetsov. I played in Omsk then. It was shot in about two weeks. The entire movie is three hours long and it’s about hockey in Siberia. One and a half of that is about me. They were interested about everything: how do we make pelmeni; how the kids are playing hockey. We were walking for 30 minutes in -22 degrees Fahrenheit from the camp to the rink, while the Canadians were running behind us with a camera. They first noticed me when I was nine in a tournament. We played in Mahnitogorsk. The whole “Romazan” [Ed. Note - Former Metallurg arena] was watching. The locals were invincible, but we smashed them 12-2 in the final. We were given a cup like a table lamp. The Magnitogorsk guys were give a trophy that looked like a Stanley Cup, along with uniforms, shoes, and sticks. They gave me 600 rubles for being the top scorer. And a medal. I scored like 20 goals then. Nobody else was even close! I was so disappointed that I wanted to cry.

Pavel Lysenkov: What were you dreaming about when you were 12?

Evgeny Kuznetov: I wanted to be Jaromir Jagr [Ed. note: Sigh].

Pavel Lysenkov: Wow!

Evgeny Kuznetov: When Jaromir came to Avangard in 2004, all of Omsk was crazy about him. First, we thought at the training, “Who is that clumsy guy skating?” But then he went out on the ice for the game. And everybody just gasped. I couldn’t get an autograph then. I have photo from that year. I took a picture of him with my cellphone camera from up close. I printed that out then. It’s now hanging on the wall in my house.

Pavel Lysenkov: So you never met him?

Evgeny Kuznetov: Why? During the previous KHL All-Star Game, I said hello to him. I stood near him. I was quiet. I saw Jagr smiling when I scored on the breakaway. “Great job,” he said.

Pavel Lysenkov: You played on the line with Sergei Fedorov.

Evgeny Kuznetov: When he went to Detroit in 1991 I wasn’t even born yet. When I look at guys like him I see how i need to work. I read Sovetsky Sport when Fedorov gave me three pieces of advice. One of them – only go to the NHL as a mature player and don’t get lost on a farm team. If you’re not ready, you better stay. Achieve something in Russia, it will be easier for you then. When Ovechkin went to NHL, he was big like a wardrobe [Ed. Note: Not to be confused with the one and only Wardrobe in the history of hockey]. You couldn’t push him out. Malkin achieved everything in Magnitogorsk. Kovalchuk showed himself playing for Spartak.

Part two of the interview.

Additional reporting by Ian Oland.

Photo credit: Marianne Helm

Bruce Boudreau became head coach of the Washington Capitals around Thanksgiving 2007. He turned around a losing season, made the playoffs, and sported a winning record ever since. From then on, the Capitals have consistently won the Southeast Division– if not the Eastern Conference or Presidents’ Trophy.

But the Capitals have not lasted long in the playoffs, and their last two seasons have been plagued by dramatic losing streaks. After last night’s rout at the petioles of the Maple Leafs, General Manager George McPhee declined to comment when asked for a vote of confidence for his head coach. And now, on Sunday afternoon– when we’re all surely glued to the Redskins game– the Internet is atwitter with talk of Bruce Boudreau’s future.

Greg Wyshynski of Puck Daddy asks, “Would firing Bruce Boudreau make the Capitals a better team?” He catalogs Bruce’s attempts to turn the Caps around:

We’ve seen Boudreau bag stake his team, given them mental health days, bench Ovechkin, bench Semin, juggle his lines like a circus clown would bowling pins, play one goalie, play the other goalie … this is all in the span of a month. Nothing appears to be working. The Capitals mainstays have heard, and seen, it all before; the veteran additions don’t seem affected by it.

Russian Machine’s blog and Facebook posts are filled with comments offering a solution to the problem. Most of them go a bit like this:

Bruce needs to go! The guys are not playing for him anymore. PATHETIC road trip..

Okay, can Ketchup Face be fired now?

Bruce boudreau needs to quit shot gunning popcorn chicken and face check his palm to his forehead and realize his job and team are headed for a world of [fecal expletive]. Gmgm needs to grow a pair and deal with bruce.

This one is my favorite:

FIRE BOUDREAU!!! TRADE OVI FOR A WHITE TIGER!!! PUT HENDY IN NET!!! DEMOTE GMGM TO A RED ROCKER!! REPLACE THE PUCKS WITH CHIPOTLE BURRITOS!! ZOMG THE SKY IS FALLING…

But CBC’s Elliotte Friedman, who has thirty completely separate thoughts every single week,  offers some context on the proposition:

Firing Boudreau is craziness. He’s won 70 per cent of his games since arriving in Washington. He revived a flatlining franchise. His peers will tell you he’s got a good in-game feel. He’s open to different concepts and ideas — going to the trap last season, the first time in his career he coached it.

He’s fulfilling McPhee’s wish of being harder on his players when necessary. The whole point of adding as much depth as they did was to say, “Look, if someone’s not going hard, they’re not going on the ice.” When he kept Ovechkin on the bench in that now-infamous game against Anaheim, the players he chose scored the tying goal. And Ovechkin set up the winner. As McPhee said in our pre-game Inside Hockey Feature, “That’s coaching.”

Plus, who are you going to find that’s better?

That final line cannot be stressed enough. Firing someone is a binomial equation: someone leaves, someone comes in. Until you can name a possible replacement, you aren’t really serious about the idea.

This is a topic we’ve broached before. On May 4th of this year, the eve of the Capitals last playoff exit, we wrote a post called, “Fire Bruce Boudreau”, which came to a conclusion ironically antithetical to that title. We listed the accomplishments of the head coach and offered a comparison: firing Bruce Boudreau, who is the best coach in Washington history, would ultimately be as unwise as signing Jaromir Jagr was one decade ago.

"Saucyface" by Stephen S. (Courtesy: The Pensblog)

This is not to say that the team’s problems don’t require a change, but it’s intellectually lazy to say that “change” must mean “coaching change.” There’s a menu of options available to improve this team: crystallizing practice habits, reformulating systems, enforcing player discipline, working on morale (i.e. trustfalls), and– finally– trades. But firing comes first into the minds of fans because it is as dramatic as the psychic damage inflicted on us when we see our team flounder.

And because Bruce Boudreau has a PR problem.

Perhaps it all started on HBO with the eczema or barbeque sauce or whatever around his mouth, delivered with amped up saturation and immortalized by The Pensblog. Then the ice cream. Then those bumbling, foul-mouthed rants that seemed more sad than angry. Then the gamut of commercials featuring a dopey, lovable Boudreau character. Cup-holders, birdcalling, carpet-wrecking parties– these make for cute advertisements, but they become devastating once that coach is besieged.

Luckily, the smart people in Capitals hockey operations won’t make their decisions based on emotion or TV commercials. They know that Boudreau is a singular talent with a sterling record and an unmatched hockeybrain. They know this. Hopefully.

But yeah, he could afford to lose some weight.