Doug Johnson of the Puck Buddys issues this pregame report. Follow @PuckBuddys.

“Los Angeles is just New York lying down.” – Quentin Crisp

The Puck Drop: As hockey analysts go, it’s a fair bet the late Naked Civil Servant numbers among the more improbable. Yet we can’t find a better clear-eyed summation of the 2012 Los Angeles Kings than Mr. Crisp’s tart bon mot. Where the New York Rangers are a team that is on its toes, the L.A. Kings are lazing in a recumbant slough with nary the will to move. (“Someone get me a bucket!”)

Their last game before Monday’s dance with the Caps should illustrate the point. A sorry 31 shots on goal, with eight power plays (one 5-on-3) and not a single puck finds the twine? Against the Blue Jackets? At least in Versailles the ruined monarchy mustered the spirit to play a rousing set or two of tennis, and look what happened to them. Awkward!

Jonathan Bernier

But you can’t beat a loser with someone who isn’t there, and we’re not at all sure who of the Capitals will show up Monday ready to play – physically or tempermentaly.Prior to Saturday, the Caps last four games have seen masterly power plays, a dominating forecheck, and a genuine zeal to fight back to victory. But we’re now possibly down Backstrom and, again, Green, and Saturday’s outing didn’t dispel worries about flukey play.

So is this really what it has come to – which team looks more like it needs a fleet of Hoverounds? It pains us to say, gentle readers, that yes, that’s what it’s come to. And it is just one more reason why anything tainted by Los Angeles, and all its self-loathing narcissistic agony, quickly becomes a throbbing boil on America’s backside. Tonight at Staples, let’s do our part to lance it.

“Los Angeles makes the rest of California seem authentic.” – Jonathan Culler

Jarret Stoll

It’s just about this point you might be thinking “Hoho, surely the PuckBuddys will have vile things to say about Los Angeles! Heehee, they hate everything!”

Not to sound like Mikey from the Life cereal commercial (look it up Millennials), but we don’t actually hate L.A. Friends happily live there (who we’d like to keep visiting), it often surprises with its low-key charms, and beside, it’s like beating up the kid that everyone else before you has already beat up. It’s like calling the overweight guy at work fat; he already knows he’s fat and everyone else has already thought it, so where’s the victory? No, we prefer our targets outsized and a little daring… like telling the hot guy everyone’s panting over he’s “a little played out.” #Winning.

Yet, harkening back to Mr. Culler, the subject of the King’s authenticity of late has us, how shall we say, befuddled? Confuzled? Pettifogged? Befumfered? Whatever, it leads us to:

What Makes Them Hot or Not

Not… but Kinda Hot: Pretenders on the Throne. We can’t figure out who the Kings are anymore. It’s like the old game Kremlinologists would play where they would try to decipher major Soviet policy changes by how trimmed Brezhnev’s unibrow was, or the coat color of Yuri Andropov (always a snappy dresser.) It really doesn’t tell you anything meaningful, so you might as well throw up your arms and turn on Judge Judy – now there’s someone who knows what’s what!

And so it goes with the Kings. In their last ten they beat Vancouver and Chicago, but fell to Winnipeg and Colorado? We checked, and no, it is not Opposite Month, so we’re out of explanations. They’re in the League basement on goals per game (2.02) and have been kept to 2 or under in 19 of 21. And then there’s goalie Jonathan Quick (Best. Goalie name. Ever.), who is at career best levels and first in the League in shutouts.

Hot… Except When They’re Not: Princes Charming. So we pretty much already assured you of a low-scoring affair… the first time nobody’s scoring in LA! Ha! I’m here all week! That’s due in part to what we can only describe, again, as a confusing offense. Meaning, just who is their offense?

Davis Drewiske

Their lines are confusing, their patterns are confusing; confusion rains down like a pestilence when they hit the ice. The only thing we’re not confused by is how gosh-darned cute they are. Yeah yeah, I know; we promised to tune down the volume and the boy stuff…but we’re only human, ya know? Davis Drewiske (2G/0A in just 7 GP), with whom we’d share a brewski, Drew Doughty (3G/13A), who looks to be very naughty, and other goalie Jonathan Bernier, which we got nothing for, stand out not so much for being really good, but making it look good. Gap-toothed center Jarret Stoll (4G/8A) likewise hasn’t been cutting it up much lately, except for the fact that he is, if you search the Googles for “definition of cut”, what the answer is. Memo to Mr. Stoll: you picked the wrong career. (We’ll leave it to your over-heated minds to finish that.)

Again, together they’re really nothing special; at least as they’re being deployed.  But we think individually they have potential to start performing, and that Coach Sutter may be able to re-jigger this squad to that end. (*snigger He said end*) Also, lately the Kings seem to have our number, tallying four straight wins, and grabbing a frightening seven of the last nine. Eeep.

“The Capital of American idiots” – H. L. Mencken on Los Angeles.

So What Have We Learned?

Dustin Brown, puppies

The Kings have some of the deepest pockets around, thanks to Mr. Anschutz, and their home base, the Staples Center, is genuinely among the classiest arenas to be found. “Classy”, however isn’t how we would describe the Kings’ “Hooters Watch Parties” they sponsor at the gape-and-grope chain; “skeeved out” seems more apt. Perhaps they should consider Chasen’s, the Brown Derby, or perhaps Romanoff’s.*

There’s every reason for us to hope the Caps could show commanding play over a team as inconsistent as this one is. But there’s also a bunch of reasons to think that we suffer from the same affliction, and stats suggest they’re overall not that much worse than we are. “Hey Kettle, you’re black,” said the Pot.

So we will just focus tonight on the hope part. And as we prepare to crawl into our jammies (#capssleepover) for another late-night game, we leave you with the words of American icon Frank Lloyd Wright: “Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.”

Meme Memoriam of the Night

*The Meme is taking the night off to ballyhoo and honor the passing of Craig’s boss, a son of Tinseltown, Mr. Tony Blankley, who lost his brave battle with cancer on Saturday night. Best known as an erudite and accomplished communicator, Tony was also an actor, with many credits to his name, appearing in Humphrey Bogart’s final film.

Tony joins another of Craig’s bosses, Mike Deaver; another proud Angelino. In two cities renown for scoundrels – DC and LA -  they were two gentlemen. We can only imagine the conversation tonight in the corner banquette at one of those long-gone Hollywood haunts.

We’re goin’ to Hollywood!

Photo credit: Jacquelyn Martin

The last time these two teams met, the headless Caps were reeling. After trading away captain Chris Clark, Washington failed to put together a full 60 minute effort and just looked plain off in Los Angeles. Now, more than a year later, the boys from DC have a man with a ‘C,’ but that tune still sounds awfully familiar.

Just over a minute into the contest, Alex Ovechkin ripped the Capitals only tally past Kings goaltender Jonathan Bernier. The goal came the moment I was settling in with my nachos at Verizon Center. Coincidence? I think not. However, Anze Kopitar would have something to say about that in the second, flipping the puck over a seated Semyon Varlamov to knot the game at one. Then with 16:24 left in the third, Andrei Loktionov gave L.A. a 2-1 lead as the biscuit once again got past an out of position Varlamov. It would only get worse for the Capitals as Michal Handzus and Jarret Stoll pushed the lead to three. By the end of the game, Verizon Center was half empty. Kings beats Caps, 4-1.

• Ovechkin‘s goal was unassisted, making him the only Cap to register a point. Ovi came down the off wing, used Drew Doughty as a screen, and then… BOOM!  Just like old times, right? After that, the wheels completely came off.

• The Capitals failed to get over 10 shots on goal in any period. Eight, seven, eight. What’s our rule? If they don’t register 10 in a period, then they didn’t play hard enough.
• Washington’s power play continues to struggle as the Caps went oh for four on the man advantage. When David Steckel has your best scoring chance on the PP then perhaps you should simplify your game.
• In a related note: the Kings’ first three goals came off rebounds.
• Mathieu Perreault struggled in the dot, winning just two of his nine draws.
• Mike Green and Jeff Schultz both had a minus three for the game. Ouch.
• John Carlson blocked four shots in the first period alone, five for the afternoon.
• Matt Hendricks played his usual rough and tumble game, registering a game high seven hits while also managing four shots on goal. Hendricks continues to be one of the few Capitals who seems to be giving it his all night in and night out.
• Both Alex Semin and Brooks Laich were benched by Bruce Boudreau during the final six minutes.
• The players had a closed door meeting after the game. Afterwards, Mike Knuble addressed the media and said, “I don’t know what we’re waiting for.  There’s a lot to play for — as players, as individuals, as a team. There’s a lot. Every game is important,” He continued, “Those are huge points we left on the table the last two games.”
• And finally, how bad was it? D.J. King was awarded the Palm as CSN’s player of the game for his fight in the first period and his four hits overall. He had 7:22 TOI, the lowest on the team, and his fight actually seemed to energize Los Angeles.

It’s been a lifeless last two games for the men in red. Sure, it is just 120 minutes of hockey, but the offense was nowhere to be found and the team looked like they had no passion. Just lost. Now, Washington will try to find their mojo as they head off to the valley of sun. It’s the start of on a big 5-game, 9-day road-trip for the Caps.

Catch you back here Monday.

Ian Oland contributed reporting.