Here’s Doug Johnson of Puck Buddys with your pregame report. Follow @PuckBuddys.

The Pregame: Well, hello you! Pollyanna Sunshine, reporting for duty! And here’s my colleague, Peppy Miller! Rah Team!

OK, glum-dums. Tides have a way of turning. Or so Barbara Streisand tells me. Sure, watching the Capitals this season has been exactly like watching the tides rush in and out, depositing a fresh crop of flotsam and hope on the shore at high tide before sucking it all back out to sea, leaving behind dead jellyfish and despair. But…

Bring Out The Zamboni

Let’s be clear. We are not going into excuse mode, which seems to be the default for senior Caps management (despite Ted’s “Unacceptable” post, pssh.) There’s a wide gap between losing after playing hard, and just acting like losers. Monday night was an impeachable offense. Of course, we’re pointing out the merely gape-mouthed obvious here because, well, it makes us feel a little superior. That, and there appears to be a “merely obvious gap” at Kettler these days.

Shall we go on? Oh lets. Bruce Boudreau was not the problem. Dale Hunter has not been the solution. Yanking Tomas Vokoun did not change momentum. Alex Ovechkin is not going to be replaced as Captain. The 2012 Presidential election will be dreadful. Ryan Kesler needs a boyfriend. Don’t make us continue, because we will.

And yet -because what’s an argument with a yet – we still believe this can be done. We can make it to the Holy Land in April. We just have to do one thing: start acting like the team we’re haven’t proven ourselves to be so far.

Ummm…yeah. And here’s how we start. We down the Senators Wednesday night by doing a few things, and then we keep on doing those things.

Yes, this is what it’s come to. Teh PuckBuddys are giving ice advice. Suck it up.

The Puck Drop

• 

  Jason Spezza

  Oh, Them:The Senators have been Caps-like this season, just in slower motion. We’re on one game, off the next. The Sens; it’s more like on 8 games, off the next 10. Result, and trust me this is something I never thought I would be writing, ever, the Senators (31-22-8) are ahead of the Capitals 29-25-5) in conference standings. Much of the credit goes to four jokers; three we’ve previously mentioned. Erik Karlsson (or Karl Karlsson) at 12G/45A, plus-14 has totally stepped up his game of late, Milan Michalek (25G/14, minus-2) continues being a threat, and some fossil named Alffrreddssonn (20G/24A, plus-9 and ancient.) Bottle them up.

• Don’t Spezza Out: But Jason Spezza, at an astounding 27G/38A, plus-6, is prince of the Senators of late. Late’s an appropriate word, as Spezza has long promised more than he delivered. Why is he firing of late? In part because the entire Sens squad is playing open: moving the puck fast and loose, and earning its wins on the talents of a few hot players (Spezzatini has 14 points in 5 games, the jerk.) Loose is unlike a lot of squads these days, and disciplined is how they come down. Leading to:
• Hey, We Like Playing Ottawa: Loose means at both ends. Sure, they got a shut out against the Islanders (snicker) but we, and others have a way of getting lots of pucks in their nets. That, and a free-flying offense probably leaves them weaker at the D-end, which points the way to how we win this game. Besides, we’re 3-0 so far against the Senators, so we’ve got some number of theirs figured out. (And how delicious is it that Washington is eating Senators? Oh, Howell Heflin, where are you now that we need you?)
• Smells Like Team Spirit: I am likely an idiot when it comes to sophisticated NHL strategems. But even this idiot knows not to disspirit a team. We have not been playing like a team, I think (ahem) exactly because we’re not being coached and governed like a team. It’s a bit intangible, but every game-day move, line-shift and healthy scratch I see appears more about individuals than team. Wanna win? Be a team that wins. And that means fostering that team spirit – coaches.

Prediction

Erik Karlsson

Enough yippity-yap. Capitals pull it out. Capitals move pucks to goal. Capitals keep it on Offense and go up by 2 at the end of the third.

Why so bold? Because if we can’t do this – if we can’t defeat the squad we’ve already defeated three times – then we’re not a team. Meaning: it’s time for a major gut job.

Sports don’t come down to one game, until they do. Just ask Coach Boudreau. This is a game that matters muchly.

Meme Of The Night

Screengrab via @CarrottBazooka

Since Alex Ovechkin has opted out of the All-Star Weekend (and has better things to do anyway), Dennis Wideman is now Washington’s lone representative in Ottawa. While Wideman is perhaps slightly less likely to don a hat and sunglasses and do trick shots, he’s a Capital, so we love him all the same. We’ll be covering Wideman’s foray into the glamorous life of an All-Star, so check back for updates, because let’s face it, you’re already bored without hockey.

Dennis Wideman was picked in the 15th round with the second-to-last pick that could be used on a defenseman, before only Canucks defenseman Alexander Edler. This means that we can get hipster now if we want and call him underrated. We knew Dennis Wideman when he wasn’t cool. Logan Couture was picked last overall and won a brand new caaaaarrrrr! Somehow it just wasn’t the same without Ovechkin there laughing and taking pictures.

Best Moments

• Pavel Datsyuk went first overall to Team Chara. Erik Karlsson got picked first for Team Alfredsson because he babysits Alfie’s kids, apparently.
• Alfie got confused about what round it was multiple times, leading to excellent cutaways of him asking everyone around him.
• Do the Leafs suck? I feel unsure. I wish that someone would have clarified this.

• Carey Price, clearly not expecting to be picked by a Bruin and a Leaf, had a mouthful of water when he was picked by Team Chara, and spent a good thirty seconds remembering how to swallow. It wasn’t an actual spit-take, but it was close.
• James Duthie somehow talked to Tim Thomas about the White House scandal without ever once actually mentioning what happened. Because, you know, he wouldn’t want to distract from the event at hand.

Best Quotes

• Joffrey Lupul on being booed every time he took the podium: “I like it. I don’t want to be cheered in Ottawa anyway.”
• Jason Spezza: “I owe Malkin 20 bucks. I told him he’d get picked before me.”
• Carey Price: “Is Z going for offense or defense? Wait remember, there’s no defense.”
• Tonight in unintentional rhymes: “Our third pick…Jonathan Quick.”
• Jarome Iginla to Patrick Kane: “Hey, what’s up man?” Kane: “Yeah, you too.”

via penslove.tumblr.com

• Chara to Tyler Seguin after making him wait till the second-to-last round: “Hug it out?”
• Cody Hodgson on ending up on Team Chara “It wasn’t my choice.” Pained face.
• Jason Spezza and Erik Karlsson discussing Sedin mythology: “I wonder if him and his brother will have any chemistry in the game?” “Doubtful.” “Aliens.” “They know where to pass the puck without even talking. It’s insane.”
• Alfredsson on Marion Gaborik being picked by Team Chara: “We were hoping Gaborik would be left, but Hank said you can’t score on him anyway.”

Important Questions

• Do they know who each team is going to draft beforehand, or do they just have two of each sweater for everyone?
• Who is most desperately in need of a haircut: Letang, Stamkos, or Hartnell? Discuss.
• What do you call a person who lives in Ottawa? Is it Ottawan? Ottawaian? Ottauan?

Puck Buddys’ Doug Johnson takes full responsibility for this post. Twitter: @PuckBuddys. 

The Pre-Game: Interesting fact: did you know that the North American Otter (Enhydra lutris) has to eat roughly 25% of its body weight in food every day just to survive? True! Like, how many Dippin’ Dots would that be? AND that in the ancient Zoroastrian religion, that otters were considered holy beings?! So Wow, I mean like…

Oh. Oh, it’s the Ottawa Senators. Oh lolz! If you could see my face blushing.

Actually, we have enough blush, and not in an endearing way, left over from Thursday night. Although we cautioned, and predicted moments, we didn’t – and simply never ever will – go on the record predicting a Pens victory over the Caps, despite our well-shared worries. Sure, it wasn’t a blow-out. Yeah, Erskine earned himself a pelt off one of the birds, in just payment for Beags (IMHO.) And yes, even hobbled offensively as we are (and whyis that, exactly?) and with all the turmoil and blah blah go freaking tell your shrink because I don’t give a damn we kept them to one point. Whoot!  A loss by only one point!

Which says a lot about where we’re at. Too much. Too, too much, if you ask us, girlfriends.

So you leave us no choice. We didn’t want it to come to this. But frankly, Washington, you’ve given us little recourse.

The PuckBuddys are pulling the Tim Gunn Emergency Alarm, and setting the Caps rescue in motion. This Saturday, it’s ALL GAYS ON DECK!

The Puck Drop

Whoop! All menz on hand! Whoop whoop! And all womenz! Oh Snapz, it’s Rainin’ Menz N’ Wymnz! Yes, Washington, this is what you have forced us to. Teh gays are swooping in to bolster and lift up our sagging Caps, simply because nobody else seems able to help.

#Self-Promotion Alert! The PuckBuddys, makers of mischief, brittle observations, and vituperative comments this Saturday are throwing a party at Verizon Center and you’re all invited! All Caps fans & friends are welcome, but particularly the GLBT…or is that LGBT…or is it LTBTgG?…ugh, whatever, the rainbow of all of us and their friends are encouraged to come to Verizon and show off their Red! And Purple, and Pink, and Lord knows what else. Just show up in a splash of pink or purple, and get ready to get rowdy with the party boys up in 411.

Leaving us no better cue for…

Why They’re Hot

Mary, have you seen that team? Ottawa is where blah goes to die. Or at least live out its retirement on the Rideau canal. But if we must…

Daniel Alfredsson

1: “Slutty, slutty, slutty!” Oh LordaMighty, before we were even really playing, or before we stopped really playing, we met up with the Sens in early October. We largely stick by our earlier comments then. In sum: Sens = pheh. Frankly we’ve seen less gay teams in “300,” and by gay we mean G-A-Y, jerks. They’ve got some skillerz, among them (as we mentioned) Sergei Gonchar (a Backstrom-like 2G-15A, plus-3), Milan Michalek (15G-6A, minus-2) and Alfredo-son, or whatever (with a little white sauce at 5G-6A, minus-4.) Then there’s Jason Spezza (9G-14A, minus-5), a real mixed bag, but what a bag! Not like the other guys are all that mixed, if you get my drift.

Yeah, pretty much everything today is going to be a gay joke. So boo-hoo, strap in and get going, crybabies. And don’t act like you don’t enjoy it.

2: “I’m Concerned.” At 12-11-2 overall, and 6-7-1 on the road, the Sens are, like we said, pheh. There are a couple pockets of talent on this team, good for you, but we’re concerned by how many goals they give up on average, 3.4 per game. For anyone not conversant in hockey, that’s a lot. We actually think Paul MacLean can bring this team together, a la the Detroit Lions of late. But it ain’t happnin Saturday. Or, at least, let’s not let it start.

3: “Pretty Can Be Boring.” Going out on the limb that all the H8Trs will sawz-all off here. The Senators aren’t incompetent. The coaching squad actually gets it. But, for some reason, the Senators this season, and most of the past ones, continue to play “good square” hockey. Meaning: unimaginative. Technically accomplished, but failing. Which reminds us both of boyfriends past – pretty enough, but just not quite there. A team needs a spark to ignite (can you hear us now, Alex?) just like a relationship of any lasting value needs sparks to ignite the fire.

The Senators just don’t have it. The Caps need to rediscover it.

We depart from our usual disparagement of the opponents to focus on what can make the Capitals winners. And thus we give you:

Why We’re Hotter

1: “Don’t Get Too Judi Jetson.” How many times do we need to watch the plum fruits of the NHL, juicily playing for the Capitals, get cute, arcane, dry and dead in the opponent’s zone? Pass, pass, pass, pass CRIMINY just SHOOT THE PUCK you want to scream. Or, perhaps like us, you have. Capitals: we get you don’t want to waste opportunities. (heart) you for that. But can you stop getting too cute by two halves? Nobody would wear Judi Jetson’s couture these days (save for the late Alexander McQueen) and we really don’t need to see such elegant play set-up without results now. Stop being cute and start shooting. Srsly, you really need games to look a little less like practice. Or, perhaps, you need practices to look a little more like games.

2: “Go, Go, Go!” Get off your flippin’ feet and go. Period. Done. End. STOP. Really tired of saying it. I’m not paid to move like lightening on the ice, and if I were, I wouldn’t be for long. You are. We get it. We love you for your talent. Now please, please, just move the freakin’ skates and get going. I’m an old man, but it wasn’t but one year ago I was wasting 25 year olds in fitness competitions. Just do it. Grr. Arrgh. What else do I have to say? In the word of Tim Gunn: Go Go Go!

3: “Make It Work!” Two words. Jason Chimera. Seriously, do you actually see the goals he gets? How many of you are left scratching your heads, asking ‘Really? Did that actually work?’ We HEART Chimmer, and wish him moar and moar in the season. And we bring him up because he, and a few other Caps, actually seem to get this basic idea: just make it work. I don’t care if it’s a silk organza strapless (I should know what that is, but I’m embarrassed to say I don’t) number, or a dump-chase-crash choreography on the ice, each of you really just have to invest in it and MAKE IT WORK. Don’t make a slender gay man holler at you: please just pay attention to what you’re doing, perform, and make it work.

The OT and ShootOut: While we’ve taken to flight from the RMNB net, the PuckBuddys on our own are one year after hatching. It began as a goof, and has become something so many people value. Which means we have almost everybody to thank. We’ve made so many friends, among them our overlords at RMNB who, for some unknown reason, tolerate us. We’re thankful to the entire Caps Commisariat, the Caps organization, and Uncle Ted for making us welcome.

Just imagine how much we’re going to piss you off in our next year!

We love you all. Come Saturday. Come say hi. Come give us a punch in the arm. We’re open and ready for a new year.

With a thrilling third period comeback against Canada, Team Russia and Alex Ovechkin are off to the semi-finals of the World Championships in Slovakia. Down, 1-0, midway through the final frame, Alexei Kaigorodov converted on a shorthanded breakaway to knot the score. Then, just over three minutes later, the Devils’ 100 million dollar man Ilya Kovalchuk rifled home a one-timer from the slot to give the Russians the lead and send their arch-rival home empty handed. Russia will face Finland, with the winner going to the gold metal game, on Sunday.

Despite the victory, Alex Ovechkin was held off the board for the third straight contest. He was, however, robbed of an assist when play was whistled dead after Canada’s Marc Methot went down after being hit by the puck, which was corralled by Russia with a wide-open Canadian net. Ovi also managed one shot on goal in 18:52 of time on ice.

Additional Photos & Video

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Photo credit: Matthew Manor

Jason Spezza scored Canada’s only goal. (Photo credit: Matthew Manor)

Methot reacts after getting hit with an Alex Ovechkin shot. (Photo credit: Matthew Manor)

Photo credit: Petr Josek

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Video: Alexei Kaigorodov’s unbelievable shorthanded goal (via @R17a)

Team Russia celebrates Kaigordov’s goal. (Photo credit: Petr Josek)

Jeff Skinner and Ovechkin tumble to the ice after Skinner trips-up Ovi. (Photo credit: Grigory Dukor)

Kovalchuk puts Russia ahead. (Photo credit: Petr Josek)

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Photo credit: Grigory Dukor

Photo credit: Christopher Pasatieri

There is more than one team that needs a second-line center at the deadline. With a thin pool to draw from it may be easier for the Capitals to secure the services of a unicorn than a pivot to provide auxiliary scoring. With $7,357,085 in cap space available for Washington, RMNB takes a look at who may be attractive candidates.

If we restrict our search for true second-line centers, we need some parameters. I like to use Puck Prospectus’ definition, which is: they score at least 1.7 even-strength points per 60 minutes. I will also limit it to players who are on teams projected to miss the playoffs, have played at least 30 games this season and have seen significant minutes at even strength.

Here is what we are left with:

We can throw a few names out based on “been there, done that” (Eric Belanger) and long term cost (Jason Spezza, Rostislav Olesz and Matt Stajan). I dismiss pivots who carry a long-term cost for two reasons:

1. Despite what Evgeny Kuznetsov is saying, I fully expect him to be in the discussion for the second-line center spot in a year or two.
2. I haven’t seen a desire from Caps General Manager George McPhee to take on long-term salary via a trade or free agency.

Brian Little probably has one too many years left on his deal, plus he plays for a division rival that is sure to be in playoff hunt next year. So he’s out too.

That leaves Marty Reasoner and R.J. Umberger.

Umberger is the “sexy” choice, but has played with better teammates (Corsi, Rel, QoT). He has also benefited from being deployed in the offensive zone (Ozone%) more frequently. Reasoner, on the other hand, has played with some really poor line-mates yet still maintains a healthy 1.75 points per 60 minutes of even strength (P/60) — which would be good for 4th best on the Caps’ roster. Plus, he is winning over 58% of defensive zone face-offs this year despite starting in the offensive zone only 40% of the time! Add to that his UFA status after this season and I think he could be a great addition to Caps for their playoff push.