This photo is smoldering with sex appeal. (Photo via welshhockeyfan)

A few weeks ago, Mike Ribeiro got in his first NHL fight– against Brad Marchand. It was a site to behold: the teams’ two tiniest players wildly throwing haymakers at — or maybe just near– each other. The bout was more cute than vicious, and on Thursday night we got another adorable dust-up a lot like it.

With a a minute left in the third period and the Caps clutching to a 2-1 lead, John Erskine shoved the living shit out of Eric Staal, just to let him know that he didn’t appreciate the Canes’ captain swinging his stick at him like he was Chris Davis or something. Staal pushed back, and then all 10 players on the ice converged in an sweaty swarm of hockey hate.

Photo credit: Evan Vucci

There were headlocks. There were punches. And then Marcus Johansson entered the fray, and it got even nastier. (I can’t believe I just typed that.) Johansson manhandled Jeff Skinner, who was teaming up with Jordan Staal to pick on John Carlson. Mojo isolated and retaliated.

Not so neutral now, eh? Wait, that’s Switzerland.

Johansson received two minutes for roughing and the respect of every Capitals fan in the world.

Watch yourself, Skinner!

In the calendar year of 2012, there had been only one Washington Capital regular who had gone without a penalty. That player? Dmitry Orlov.

That streak ended spectacularly tonight.

iPad friendly video here.

At 12:04 of the second period, Carolina’s Jeff Skinner sprinted with Orlov into the corner for a loose puck. As Dima attempted a counter check, the 193-pound Skinner gave a slewfoot to the young Russian, sending him slamming into the side boards.

Caps captain Alex Ovechkin came to his countryman’s defense, shoving Skinner as the two skated up ice. When the puck was frozen a few seconds later, Orlov started a melee and went after Skinner, but — fortunately for the young Hurricanes star — the two were separated by linesman Jean Morin.

Morin had his hand around Orlov’s neck, and Dima didn’t seem to like that too much. Angry and perhaps not understanding the linesman’s orders, Orlov shoved the linesman to get free. Dima was awarded 2 minutes for roughing and a 10-minute game misconduct for “abusing the officials.”

Skinner did not receive a penalty for his slewfoot.

So what did we learn tonight? Don’t faulk with Orlov.

Huge thanks to @KellieCowan for hooking us up with video and Fedor Fedin for the above screenshot.

Doug Johnson: Puck Buddy, dog owner, hockey fan, public intellectual. Follow @PuckBuddys.  

The Pregame: So you gotta give credit where it’s due. Whatever your political leanings (ours is usually doubled over, holding our stomachs, in the loo) that ol’ Newton Leroy Gingrich gets points for some sassy thinking. Seems then-Speaker Stay-Puft, some six years into an affair with a young House staffer (and Tiffany connoisseur) named Calista, basically told his wife Marianne that she would need to “share” him with his mistress. (There we are in the loo again.) At least, this according to ex-wife Marianne – no, not the one he divorced while she was in the hospital, that was a totes different wife! – who basically told Newt to get stuffed. He dumps her, marries the mistress who promptly begins a powerful benziodiazepine regimen (we’re making that part up) and now all is lollipops, the end.

We bring this up, in part because it’s still a larf-riot, but also because we’re doing some sassy thinkin’ of our own. Let’s just say, completely hypothetical here, that you’re the GM of a professional sports team with loads of potential but some underperforming talent. What to do? You want to keep him; sure, who doesn’t? But maybe you could also find a comely, pliable team somewhere else that may just want to share a little of his upkeep and tending while making you look genius. Everyone wins, right?

And thus American civic life dies a muffled death.

The Puck Drop

Oh, hockey! It’s been kinda fun of late, watching the Caps down the Canes. To review: we’ve seen Cody get his first NHL goal, Sasha get the Caps’ first goal of this season, Mike Green light the lamp in an electric OT win (oh, so long ago), some general necklace kerfuffling, and, most recently, Alex Ovechkin’s unstoppable hammering (dismantling? humiliating?) of general annoyance and silly-named gnat Tuomo Ruutu. (Good luck with that whole ‘Finnish’ thing.)

This Friday night finds us once more in the land of bedbugs and kudzu; namely Raleigh, North Carolina, and the RBC Center. We’ve spoken already of the entire mythical nature of this “state”, and so shall trouble you no further with such twaddle. To wit:

What Makes Them (Or Us) Hot

1: Top or Bottom? Er…so, we’ve been a little surprised this season with the see-sawing and niff-nawing and general topsy-turveying in the Southeast division. Like riding the Vomin-ator at the Montgomery County Fair (which we strongly recommend, btw.) In just a few months the Caps have risen, and fallen, as the Canes have fallen, and risen, with both ending up where they began– Caps nearing the top and the Canes tripping to the bottom.

2: SkinnERRR! Jeff Skinner (12G/13A, minus-6) is, once again, back on the ice, to the delighted squeals of 45-year-old Canes’ fans and 13-year-old girls. Not that we’re making any equivalence here. His stats don’t tell the full story, as he is still stupid young and stupid talented. In the “nothing new here” category, we’re left with Ice Prince hatchling Eric Staal (11G/23A, minus-22) and the rest of the dumb team we choose not to identify because we’re hungry, frankly. Go look it up: the point is that it’s the same players doing the same star turns, but unable to capitalize on the Caps. But we love Skinner, only for his name-sake. It’s an Albany thing.

3: Everything Old is Neuvy Again. I can’t believe we’ve never used that line. Anyway, Coach Hunter’s decisions of late to stick with one netminder, then another, seems to be working out; rather than Coach Juggles’ constant swip-swapping between games. Vokoun has been good and getting seriously better of late; now it’s Neuvy’s turn. Our outing with the Habs saw our Baby Czech with 31 saves – some of them really outstanding — and 17 alone in the 3rd. If Neuvirth was rusty, he wasn’t showing any of it on teh ice.

What Makes Them (Or Us) Not

Tim Brent

1: Man Down. It may surprise you to know that we do not take any joy or pleasure in the injuries of any active player – be they NHL, AHL or younger; pro or amateur; friend or foe; hot or not. (We were contractually obliged to throw that last one in.) While we might be tempted to make an exception for the Pens, injuries just suck. On the Canes’ side, Joni Pitkanen and big rig Brian Boucher are out. For the Caps, we know the score: Tom Poti, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green. Nicky is “making progress”, and Greenie is out for surgery (we wish him speedy recovery.) You play with the team you got; sadly, some of the best will be on the sideline this game.

2: Record That. Real quick: the Caps are 25/18/2 and at the top (wha?) of the Southeast. The Canes are 16/24/8, at the round end. 12 points separate us; almost as many as separate us from the Rangers (10 in this case.) They’ve outshot us 92-100 over the last three, but then again, who hasn’t? And the result was 3 fat W’s for us. They’re even in home play (11/11) which is lame, and while we’re 8-12 on the road, that includes a disastrous trip to Canada or two, which leads us to thinking about boycotting Timmy Hos. Either way, the record points to what will be a Caps victory.

3: The Hobgoblin of Small Minds. Ever notice how we always have three of everything? Three Hots, three Nots, as if the universe cycled in tiny, repetitive loops? It doesn’t. Nor does hockey, and nor should play on any given night. Call me tiny and repetitive, but I’ve noticed a pattern in some of the Caps criticism of late. Sure, they cycle up and down, win and loss. The kind of stuff that encourages the boo-birds to come roost.

Statistics are the raw numbers that detailed what was; coaching is the nebulous act of predicting what you want, and finding the way there. Caps not on offense enough? Power play down, or up? Average odds of win or defeat XX when so-and-so scores, or fails to, in the first? We give enormous props to those who know this stuff cold. But, like horse racing, if it could predict the future, we’d all be rich. We’re not. They play the game precisely because there’s no telling what will happen. Odds be damned; play the game and enjoy watching.

Prediction

Our last bet was the Caps up 4-3 over the Habs; we were only off by 1 on the Caps side. (Stop looking at the other side, wise guy.) We still like our game calling odds. We have every reason to win this, which should give every bookie the hots for the soft-side bet. Still, we predict: Caps 3, Canes 1. Which means don’t you dare place a bet on this.

Meme of the Night

Huh?

[Editor's note: We are proud to welcome writers Craig Brownstein and Doug Johnson to the Russian Machine! You might already know Craig and Doug from their gay-focused hockey blog, Puck Buddys. You are hereby required to follow them on Twitter: @PuckBuddys. Puck Buddys is increasing its scope from Caps-centric coverage to the whole NHL, so you'll see C+D here a lot, especially for game previews. Please give them a very warm welcome and let us know if they break anything expensive.]

And now, a new season kicks off with an ominous sign of the Hockpocalypse - teh gays are now writing about the Caps for RMNB: a risky collaboration between the established Russian royalty (or oligarchy), and the gauche, nouveau riche upstarts.  The cheeky bastards of the hockey world will occasionally share insightful analysis, anatomy lessons, and keen fashion sense with a wider cross-section of the Caps fanbase. The questions on everyone’s lips?  1) Who’s going to embarrass the other first?  Answer: We’re demonstrating that right now. 2) How did RMNB end up with us? Answer: Dave Nichols of District Sports Page already grabbed all the talented free agents.

It’s been a tough summer, our first official offseason. Since we last left our rink-side heroes, the economy is still falling like Sasha’s many unexplained losses of balance; the earthquake did as much damage to the city as Tampa Bay (and wrecking the one pure thing in DC); and America’s most high profile hockey mom, Sarah Palin, is…well, still Sarah Palin. In other words, stasis. During the Dog Days, our hockey hunger was temporarily sated by Dev Camp, the rookies, training camp, the Alumni Game (Go Team Locker!), and finally, CapsCon.

We’ve been watching the pre-season (mostly) closely, scoping out the Baby Caps, GMGM’s seasoned vet additions and the many new names, faces and sweaters around the NHL (Hi, Stecks!).  And speaking of that former Caps fan fave, we’re glad he wound up with the Leafs; it’s home to our #1 fave hockey dad, Brian Burke. But enough about friends, let’s look at Saturday night’s foes, the Carolina Hurricanes.

First off: they’re from somewhere called “Carolina.” We’re told there are actually two Carolinas, but we’re not so sure. The Hurricanes are actually immigrants from Hartford, where they were once dressed as whales, occasionally beached. But that’s so 1970′s – get with the new economy – anything worth a crap now lives in the South, like Hank Williams, Jr., who is our choice to host next year’s NHL Awards show. And to be honest, he’d be a marked improvement over Jay Mohr. If we were writing Hank’s opening remarks for the evening, we’d have him liken President Obama to Gary Bettman.

But we have all season to high-stick the Commish, let’s talk hockey. After a gypsy season or two – we call this the “Carolina Homeless” era – the Canes settled comfortably in Raleigh, which we pretty much liken to the the fictitious sit-com town of Mayberry. Among North Carolina’s other significant contributions to culture are pig-pickin’, douchey Duke snots and creepy Senators. Still, despite our city slicker snickering, Raleigh hoisted the Cup, which is more than we can say at this point.

The Canes racked up only one win in the preseason, blanking the NKOTB, the Winnipeg Jets. We won’t read anything into those September contests, since the Caps too, played spotty, prompting immediate and panicked calls for the firing of both Coach Boudreau and GMGM.

Tomas Kaberle

Beginning nowhere in particular for the Canes is 4-time all-star Tomas Kaberle. Or more accurately, Tomáš Kaberle, a Czech-born former Bruin of with great skills.  We get a little dizzy typing Tomáš into the Google – not that there’s a lot of Czech-born ‘models’ named Tomáš or anything – but it’s clear Kaberle brings experience to their squad.  Sure, the 33 year-old D-man has a bit of grey in the beard, and perhaps he fizzled a bit in the last playoffs, but he’s big (215 lbs) and aggressive…and has something only two others on the Caps have: the magical and elusive NHL championship ring.  On the subject of precious rings, we’re staying away from the booth on opening night because the sight and sound of 20,000 Caps channeling Smeagol may be a bit too much for us.

Hewing closer to the more youthful demographic is Cam Ward, Conn Smyth winner in 2006, and still among the best goal-tenders in the NHL. A Saskatoon native, the 27-year-old Ward isn’t to be mocked, on the ice or off. (Serious cute on this guy). Although 2010 was a sort of crud year for him due to injuries, that’s nothing compared to what the Caps have seen previously. A lot. A whole lot. Our boys will need to pick his lock on Saturday night and in the five subsequent match ups with this squad.

Eric Staal

The Top Cane, Eric Staal, brings his family’s “I’m Eric-the-Vampire-from-True-Blood“  Nordic good looks back for another season. 26 and freakishly tall, the ‘Canes captain is ridiculously talented, and sibling to, at last count, 14 hockey-playing brothers.  Mmmm - that’s some good DNA! He boasts mad skills yet occasional bad judgment, which could be his undoing when facing our newly fortified D (Hi, Roman! Remember us from the autograph session at CapsCon?).

The Biebs

Without getting typically gay fanboy, Tiger Beat gushy, we can’t look at the Canes and not take a shot at the NHL’s very own Justin Beiber -  Jeff Skinner [Peter: This should boost your SEO. BTW don't forget to remove this note before posting!]. 19 years old… wait…just let that sink in: 19. We have socks older than Jeff Skinner. Apart from his yucks-inducing name for any Simpsons fan, the shortish (5’11″) Toronto-native is a natural, having made the rare transition from figure skating to hockey (a move that we pray Johnny Weir never considers).

In his first NHL season, he smoked it up for Carolina, and the Calder winner has franchise hopes riding on his slender and delicate shoulders, almost like a young Ovechkin many years back. Well…maybe not Ovi. Sasha, perhaps, as long as we’re speaking about delicate.  Either way, the Carolina tween is someone with talent but has a lot left to learn – most notably about fighting. He can find the twine but can he deliver and take a punch? Sure he danced with Kris Russell of the Blue Jackets during the preseason, but that was kid stuff.  Hell, even we could beat down Russell, and we fight like girls (correction: mean girls).  Maybe not on Saturday, but if he keeps dropping his dainty little mitts, at some point, the Canes’ Beebs may get that ominous page over an arena PA system: “Mr. Jeff Skinner, RED courtesy phone - Matt Hendricks is holding on Line 3.”

At the other end of the Canes age spectrum is Bryan Allen, a well-traveled, 31 year-old, 6’5″ 225lb monster, and quite possibly a nice addition to the Canes D. Weird to single him out? For us, not so much – he’s a handsome SOB.

Which leaves us back at the topic that brought us here. Men? No, hockey. Or, more explicitly, hockey men. Until the apparatchik at RMNB ask us politely to leave (or have us kidnapped and buried in shallow graves outside of Frederickgrad), we’ll continue scribbling occasional thoughts on the side of hockey that the tourists never see.

Anze Kopitar celebrates a goal last year against the Blackhawks. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Editor’s note: You can win a 1-year subscription to ESPN Insider and a $25 gift certificate to Front Page VA by guessing Neil’s first two draft picks tonight. Check out the details on our Facebook page.

As part of ESPN.com’s NHL family, I was invited to participate in their fantasy hockey draft this past Tuesday. Just me and guys like Craig Custance, John Buccigross, and Scott Cullen.

No pressure.

Victoria Matiash has already given a bird’s eye view of the draft, but I thought I would run through my thought process on various picks and give you some ideas for your fantasy draft. Plus, you can see how I do for the season because we are making the results public.

Here were the ground rules for the draft:

Participants included, in original order, Craig Custance, Tristan Cockcroft, Tim Kavanagh, John Buccigross, Pierre Becquey, Michael Hume, Victoria Matiash, Neil Greenberg, Sean Allen and Scott Cullen. Categories include goals, assists, power-play points, plus/minus, penalty minutes, shots on goal and average time on ice for skaters and wins, save percentage and goals-against average for goaltenders. Slots to fill include nine forwards, five defensemen, one “utility” skater, two goaltenders and a five-man bench.

My philosophy was simple: grab young, healthy, talented players with upside. Let others worry if Patrick Kane would be healthy or if Sergei Kostitsyn can once again score 20 goals on less than 100 shots.

I had the eight pick. With my editor Mike Hume drafting before me (he knows which players I fancy) and Cullen having back-to-back picks behind me I knew I had to make strategic decisions.

Not surprisingly, Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, and Daniel Sedin went in the first three picks. Hume knows I think Corey Perry was no fluke, so the chances of him dropping to me were nil. That left me with Anze Kopitar (who I think will contend for the Art Ross) or Henrik Lundqvist as my first pick. Luckily for me, I got both of them.

My third choice was also an easy one: Duncan Keith. His boxcar stats may have fallen, but he is as fundamentally sound as he has ever been, and he remains my preseason favorite for another Norris-caliber performance.

My next pick caused some raised eyebrows:

Also noteworthy was Greenberg’s choice of Jeff Skinner ahead of Eric Staal. Ranked higher in ESPN.com’s projections, the captain of the Carolina Hurricanes is expected to put up superior numbers across the board. But obviously, Greenberg preferred to put his fantasy faith in the reigning Calder Trophy winner.

Fantasy hockey is about looking forward. While there is no doubt Eric Staal is a 70-point player, Jeff Skinner is (conservatively) a 60-point player who could put up over 70 points next year. So I got a player who may put up five points less or 10-15 points more than Eric Staal. In a rotisserie league with hockey geniuses it was worth the gamble, in my opinion.

I struggled with my fifth pick a little. I had Phil Kessel, John Tavares, and Loui Eriksson queued up but pulled the trigger on Kessel, thinking that one or both of the others would be there for me on my next picks.

I was right about Loui Eriksson, who I took with my sixth pick, but not Tavares, who went three picks before me in round seven.

With Tavares and Matt Duchene off the board, both of whom I think can post 30 goals in 2011-12, I decided to shore up my goaltending and took Jimmy Howard.

A quick note on goaltenders: I only considered drafting Henrik Lundqvist, Pekka Rinne, Cam Ward, Jimmy Howard, or Corey Crawford. Why? Too long to explain here, but I did some analysis on when goaltenders have their breakout season based on age and experience and these five fit the bill. I did the same thing last year and had only two goaltenders on my list: Pekka Rinne and Cam Ward.

In round eight I took Joe Pavelski, which was a solid pick there and then my first miscalculation of the draft came at the hands of Scott Cullen.

I feel Jamie Benn is this year’s sleeper. I think he has 30-goal potential and could end up surprising many people. With my ninth pick I took Evander Kane, thinking Benn would slip past another four picks. Nope.

Cullen: “I’ve been touting Jamie Benn going back to the second half of last year, when his ice time went up dramatically; he’s been my preferred pick as a breakthrough/sleeper forward since. So, by the ninth round, when I had already addressed all my positions to some degree, it felt right to take a young player that has a chance at 70 points. “

If you have a chance to pick up Benn in your league, do it.

Right now. I’ll wait.

It will be him and Eriksson that pick up the slack left by Brad Richard’s departure, not Michael Ryder. In the draft room Hume asked how many of Benn’s goals the last two years came via a Brad Richards primary assist. One. And Richards had only one secondary assist the year before that. Benn is the real deal.

I took Alex Pietrangelo after I misjudged the “sleepiness” of Benn. The D corps looked to be thinning after Dion Phaneuf and James Wisniewski were taken off the board, so I grabbed Pietrangelo. “Good for 45 points, I think he’s a solid fantasy pick.”

Next picks were unremarkable, but ones I believe have some big upside: Erik Karlsson, Tyler Ennis, Patric Hornqvist, Tyler Kennedy, Mikael Backlund, Patrik Berglund, Jakub Voracek and Nathan Gerbe.

I did have two moments of weakness where I got homesick and drafted Dennis Wideman (15th round) and Brooks Laich (20th round).

So there you have it. Be sure to check out how I am doing from time to time. Also, if you would have drafted differently or just want to comment on the draft in general, let us know in the comments.

Photo credit: Ethan Miller

Wednesday was a night of hardware in the NHL as the league’s annual awards show took place in Las Vegas. The night’s biggest winners? Corey Perry of the Ducks picked up the Hart, Ryan Kesler of the Canucks hoisted the Selke, baby-faced Jeff Skinner of the ‘Canes took home the Calder, Stanley Cup champion Bruin Tim Thomas won the Vezina and Washington fan favorite Disco Dan Bylsma of the Pens presented with the Jack Adams Award.

So how did the Capitals fare?

Alex Ovechkin was named to the NHL’s second all-star team while John Carlson was honored with a spot on the all-rookie squad. Via Nate Ewell, this is the first time in five years Ovechkin has not held a spot on the first-team, ending his record streak to start a career.

As for the trophies, Brooks Laich finished 11th in Selke voting as best defensive forward (0 first-place votes, 1 second, 2 third, 4 fourth, 7 fifth); Bruce Boudreau placed sixth for the Jack Adams as top coach (2-3-7); Carlson (3-3-16-12-21) and Michal Neuvirth (0-0-0-1-1) were fifth and 14th respectively for the Calder as best rookie; George McPhee finished sixth for GM of the Year (2-4-3); Mike Green was edged out by the Kings’ Dustin Brown for the NHL Foundation Player Award for charitable work; finally, Ovechkin came in 15th for the Hart as MVP (0-0-0-4-7).

Sadly, none of the Capitals were in Vegas leaving us unable to critique their red carpet photos. Yes, none of this this year. No awkward tension between Sid the Kid and the Great Eight either, though Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf filled the void. Since everybody loves “comedian” Jay Mohr, we leave you with one of his few funny moments of the night.