The PreGame: Close your eyes for a moment. Now fling your head out the window.

Wait. Stop that. Open window, fling head, close eyes.

Better. Breathe deep…deeplier deep. Now, what do you smell out there? Summer? Winter? Victory? Streak?

Us? We get mulch, daffodils and notes of flattened street rat. But we much prefer these others. Summer – remember buoyancy and cautious cockiness? Winter; well, early winter means Christmas, and Christmas last was a Capsmas miracle against the Devils, so thank you Baby Jesus!

Victory? Contrary to Maj. Kilgore, victory doesn’t smell like napalm in the morning.  Rather it’s a man-handling of the Habs, a swift start and sustained margin against the Leafs, and a ‘You-Ain’t-Gonna-Win” sass against the dreadful Islanders, all in a row. Yum.

And Streak? Actually, we haven’t really smelled that this year for a long, long time. But still, I think I might recall…

The Puck Drop:

We’ve written before of the twitchy trigger-finger use of the “S” word; how it’s mostly a lazy trope of lazier journalists (ha, that you have to go looking for, Washington Post!) Technically, two games constitute a streak, even though anyone who claimed that in practice should, and we assume would, be mocked until they cried like wee wittl babies. Three is NOT a streak. Four opens the door. Five is when you come alive with something real, but not until.

This isn’t new territory. Ian, Peter, Chris, Ana and all the rest of our Soviet русская братство, I recall, have echoed this Caps upsy-downy nature of late; our history of clawing back in the waning days of Winter and the team’s general unreliability week-to-week over the last several years. Blurgh.

So. Here we go. Once more into that benumbed arena, my friends. And like every night, those any chosen size guys on the sheet will be joined, less temporally, by all of us, cheering them on, pushing them on, hoping for opening the door.

We few. We happy few.

Who’s Hot, And Who’s Not:

1: Headcase Hedbert. Oh, that Johan. As in Johan Hedbert (.908%.) Out for the last several Devils’ games, we expect Hedbert will be coming back Friday, for his first test in a while against the Caps.

We tend to think a net-minder back from a rest isn’t the best in the nest. No jest. Neuvy may prove that wrong, although frankly if you look at Vokoun and Neuvirth in larger context, you totally get who’s the better net-minder.

Our Opinion Only Warning: when Neuvy’s lost a bunch in rapid succession, it’s seemed more his issue; when it’s happened with Racoon, more a failure of our defense. I’m sure the number gnomes will step forward to prove me wrong, which I’ll happily accept. Because I don’t like feeling our best goalie is being sidelined because of irrational decisions.

Don’t know who’s getting the Caps start. We say: Vokoun can win; Neuvirth will perform. Diagnosis: Hedberg = Not; Neuvy Racoon = Hot.

2: Best. Sniper. Ever. Listen up anti-Seminites: you don’t have to be Mulder or Scully (“It’s me, where are you?“) to stumble on the hidden conspiracy that is Alexander Valerievich Semin. He is, officially, the Capitals non-secret, flare-shooting Tsar Bomba; the guy you don’t want anywhere near your net. Of late he’s the best player for the Caps…and by best we mean most adaptable.

His work on the dot, as forward and chief threat, and overall rally-rad guy make him invaluable to a bench hobbled without NB19. 1G/3A +3 in the last five don’t even begin to tell it. Sasha has stepped up from his previous role as artist/assassin to all-around auxiliary guy, creating spark where it’s needed and letting his team-mates grow the fire.

He is, in short, the Indispensable Capital. Sasha = Hot. Then again, it could all be a conspiracy.

3: You Can Go Home Again. And Again, And Again. What’s the Russian version of Whoo-hooo!? Probably something with a vodka bottle (like I’m one to talk.) Stereotyped larfs aside, the Capitals have just plowed through our most crap-tacular road trip of the year – that was even before we took it – and are now beginning a little home encampment-let of four games. To which we can only say: Whoo-hoo!   What are we, 21-doesn’t matter-who cares at Home? Go look up the actual numbers elsewhere, Poindexter; point is they really do rock Verizon.

Beyond that, we’re 94G/74GA, with 22 PPgoals and a relatively stingy 16 PPagainst at home. (Who’s the Poindexter now?) But, unlike last season, they do not like coming off the losing the 1st, at 5-20-2. Yuck.

4: Giants On The Ice. Mike Knuble has been benched the last too many games. Too many times in February he had almost points and take-back scores; too much he’s had his pockets picked and played Jingle Pipes and yet, nothing. Not for a lack of trying. Could we use him hovering over the Hedberg’s net tonight? A fraction less that I could use losing 40 pounds.

Our other giant, Jeff Schultz (1G/5A, +2) clocks in at 6’6″ and 230. Pounds, not stone. He’s been muzzled on the ice this season, earlier because of (honestly) under-performance, and later because of Coach Hunter’s new “U No Skor U Go” policy. Which we, and only we – the PuckBuddys – are here saying is shite. Caps Giant Schultz: go defeat enemies.

Schultz is back on skates, and we qualify this as a win. Hot = Schultz scoring.

Watch, Bet And Cheer:

7pm puck drop. If you can’t be at Verizon, watch Joe B and Locker, their awesome coverage, Alan May’s prescient tweets, and everyone’s preposterous suits. Caps 2, Devils 1. Call the Mirage book on that one.

Craig is a Puck Buddy. This is his story. @PuckBuddys

Ohai Caps fans! Coinciding with Coach Hunter’s latest round of mind-boggling line changes, we’re changing up things today on the pregamer, too.  No, Doug hasn’t been sent down to Hershey with the other famous Caps redhead, Cody “Swoon” Eakin, but he’s taking a short break from cranking out his inimitable prose, obscure cultural references (he’s still working on Cy Twombly), and his proselytizing on behalf of the radical gay agenda.

Actually, he’s wrapping up the last of his community service obligations that resulted from his conviction in that 2011 World Juniors point-shaving scandal. And truth be told, he was also the one who bought all that liquor for those Russian kids. But luckily for all involved, including international aviation authorities, the team behaved responsibly on that flight home after their big win. In fact, we just heard from a few of our old pals on last year’s Russian team - and even they were appalled by Alec Baldwin’s airline antics last week.

The Puck Drop

The instructions that Doug scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin say this is where I’m supposed to write about hockey things and stuff. We’ll keep this light since we already kicked the crap out of the Devils and their squalid landfill of a state ahead of the November 10 tilt with those hooligans.

Like every other Caps fan, we’re wondering about what team will show up Friday night at Prudential.  We’ve been on this roller coaster for almost the entire season (the weakest 7-0 team in NHL history?) – craptacular play followed by some well executed hockey, then five steps back, followed by another glimmer of hope. The litany of problems was evident as recently last Saturday against the Avs – anemic offense, catatonic PPs, defensive breakdowns and our netminders giving up squishy softy goals.  Those terrifying lows have been followed by dizzying highs: Ovi working his magic, Sasha wristing, Nicky being gorgeous, the PP off of life support, savage play in the neutral zone and a lot of hitting.  Yeah, we like hitting. Many of those elements, on full display during Tuesday’s Preds game, reminds me of why I jumped on the Caps bandwagon in the first place.

Now some hockey. Lending an assist here is our pal Brian, @trot71 on the twitter, the Devils correspondent at PuckBuddys.  Unlike the rest of us over there who never played the game and just like to flip spit, talk trash, and flirt, Brian knows the game and plays on the NYC Gay Hockey Association squads.  Forget Ken Daneyko, Brian is “Mr. Devil, ” devilishly handsome, too! Brian summarizes the first third of the Dev’s regular season:

This first third has provided something of a relief to Devils’ fans – there were fears they would come out of the gate as poorly as they did last season, which may have led to a fire sale of talent and a commitment to rebuilding.  Instead, there have been some young contributors (rookies Adam Larsson and Adam Henrique)  play vital roles on the veteran-dominated team, and increased scoring under first year coach Pete DeBoer.

All I Want for Christmas

Zach Parise (Jeff Zelevansky)

According to Brian, “Top center Travis Zajac‘s return was a little early to call a Christmas present, but it’s everything the Devils could have hoped for.  Travis has come back and looked fairly good, which will present DeBoer some lineup problems going forward, but the good kinds of problems (too many good players for the top 6 forward slots).  If there was one wish every New Jersey fan has, it’s that Zach Parise signs a long term deal with the club in January. If there’s no ink on a contract and the team continues to sit at the tail edge of the playoffs, look for GM Lou Lamoriello to deal Captain Zach to a contender for a king’s ransom of talent.  (But my money’s on Zach staying a Devil).”

The Naughty and Nice List, Festival of Lights Edition

Nice: Jeff Halpern: Haply Hanukkah, everyone! The hometown boy put in a great effort on Tuesday, the first night of the holiday. Hockey’s Hebrew Hammer also put Leonsis ahead of God on opening night against the Canes on October 8, Yom Kippur. We’ll check the schedule to see what day Purim falls on.

Nicer: Alexandr Valeryevich Semin:  ‘I’m not sleeping, I’m sniping!” Leave it to the Great 28 to confound and confuse us with his erratic play. When he’s good, he’s magnificent; when he’s bad, he’s infuriating and when he boards an opponent, he’s the best!  And while we’re at it, can everyone get a jump on their New Year’s resolutions and forever swear off “enigmatic and mercurial.” Both the Associated Press and the Washington Post used those exact words to announce the death of Kim Jong Il. We are NOT making that up. Russian influence on the world stage cannot be underestimated, but look at what lazy hockey writers have done now – they’ve dragged our dear Sasha into a nuclear tipped, geopolitical game of brinksmanship, when he’s got his hands full on just backchecking as it is.

Martin Broudeur

Naughty: Old Man Winter: Martin  Brodeur is just not elite anymore.  He looked shaky for great stretches in last Tuesday’s 4-1 loss against the Rangers.

Nicer: Swedish Meatball: Johan Hedberg is playing much better hockey than Brodeur at this time and should probably be getting the bulk of the starts.

Nicest: Awesome Possum:  The stunning Zach Parise has been leading the Devils offense this month, with 14 points (5G 9A) in the 10 December games.

Nicely Nicely Neuvy: Baby Czech Michal looks to be getting the start on Friday night and one of the smart guys we follow on twitter, but are contractually prohibited of mentioning his name, wondered about when the last time Vokoun has sat for four games. Then there’s the theory that a strong Neuvy makes Vokes better. Those same geniuses may be the ones who keep telling Rick Perry he has a shot at the nomination.

What Makes Them Hot

Ilya Kovalchuk

The Devils top line offers something for everyone, an All-American boy (Parise), the mysterious Russian (Ilya Kovalchuk) and the young buck (rookie Adam Henrique).  And they’re clicking – they’ve combined for 13 goals and 22 assists in December.

What Makes Them Not

Their power play has been beyond substandard.  They aren’t last in efficiency or power play goals scored, but they’ve given up a whopping 10 shorthanded goals, tops in the NHL (four teams are tied for second with five SHGA).  They have a remarkable ability to cough the puck up from the points (currently Kovalchuk and newly-acquired Kurtis Foster), leading the shorthanded chances for the opposition.  If their power play wasn’t so awful, more people might be talking about the Devils insanely good penalty killing, which has only given up 9 power play goals all year (while scoring 7 SHGs themselves).

As Seen On TV: If you need our help telling you where to find the game on TV, you’re a sad Christmas puppy.

Meme of the Day:

Let’s Go Caps and God Bless us, every one! С Рождеством! (Merry xmas)

Pretty Much Summarizes The Entire Night For the Trashers (Photos via AP)

As we prepared for tonight’s Caps/Thrashers game, we were alerted to three crucial things: 1.) The Caps had plane troubles again and had to depart for Atlanta very early this morning (per Capitals Insider) 2.) Japers Rink told us via Twitter that the Caps have never won in Atlanta on a Saturday night (0-3-1) and 3.) Capitals 9th string Goalie Brett Leonhardt made this awesome observation on Twitter: “There is legit spots on the ice in ATL where you can see the cement… guess the teams’ not the only ones mailing it in.”

Wow, huge #verbfail there, Brett.

But with these convenient excuses on hand, we here at the Russian Machine felt like it was a perfect night for our hometown team to have another mindless, letdown game and be done in by the dreaded “Reverse Lock.” Or – at the least – witness Sasha take 6 offensive-zone penalties and see just how hard Bruce could angrily stare at him without his eyes bugging out of his head.

But alas, we were treated to a blowout victory, as the Capitals took the Thrashers to the freakin’ woodshed and won by a Touchdown. … Sorry, it’s Saturday… I’m a little drunk… I’ve gotta do it:

VIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
(Ed note: fast foward to 1:47 mark)

On to the bullet points:

• The great Malcolm S. Forbes once said: “Victory is greatest when you’ve known defeat.” However, since The Capitals haven’t lost to the Trashers this season, I guess that doesn’t apply. Nonetheless, Bruce Boudreau, on his 55th Birthday, was treated to the best gift a hockey coach could ask for: A complete 60 minute effort where every Capital played a good game.
• Don’t believe me? Jeff Schultz won the Palm Restaurant Player of the Game by having a pedestrian +5, and being credited with 2 Secondary Assists and 3 Shots. And No, for those who didn’t see the game, I don’t remember him having a particularly great night.
• Mike Knuble created havoc in front of the Thrashers goal all night, and managed to net two goals via his skate boot (WITH NO DISTINCT KICKING MOTION). The first? A beautiful redirect off a Tom Poti shot from the point. The second? A two-on-two with Alex Ovechkin. The Russian Machine masterly fired a puck to the pads of Johan Hedberg. Hedberg couldn’t control the rebound and watched Mike Knuble redirect the puck into the yawning net. Knuble finished the night with a +2.
• Crazy opinion of the night: Former asshat Penguin Johan Hedberg didn’t play particularly bad, but when you lose 8-1 the bad stats have to go somewhere. Hedberg let in 4 goals on 9 Washington shots and was pulled midway through the second period. Ondrej Pavelec fared better (I guess?) and was only beaten four more times on 28 shots after the switch. Someone prepare some Alka Seltzer for John Anderson.
• Who got some of the good stats? Our fellow countryman Alex Semin did, of course! Semin felt like being one of the Top Ten players in the world tonight and managed to score twice. Oh boy! But that doesn’t tell the whole story. His first goal was scored shorthanded during the Thrashers first powerplay. After a Mike Green steal in the defensive zone, Brooks Laich and Sasha entered the Thrashers zone with a 2 on 1. Laich fed a streaking Semin who then was stopped with a flashy pad (or groin) save by Johan Hedberg (we’re not sure). Did he slump his shoulders and give up? Not this Sasha! Semin circled back into the play, grabbed the rebound around the left dot, skated in a semi-circle around the entire Atlanta Team and fired a wicked wrister past Johan Hedburg into the top right corner of the net. Holy crap, what a goal! Just another day in the office for Semin. Then in an attempt to redeem himself on his first missed 2 on 1, Semin nailed a one-timer past a helpless Hedberg after an absolutely gorgeous feed by Tomas Fleichmann.
• That reminds me: That move to center for Tomas Fleichmann has paid off. He now has points in two straight games. And the most important part? He looks like the Old Flash again. Good decision, Birthday Boy.
• As for look alikes, long lost brother of Michael Nylander, Jason Chimera, scored his first goal for the Caps. Woohoo!! We’re still waiting for Chris Clark and Milan Jurcina to respond with their first points for the Blue Jackets.
• For those keeping track at home, the Capitals are 3-0 since Alex Ovechkin was named Kapitan. AWESOME.
• And now to the Bizzare: Atlanta outshot the Caps, 39 to 37. Yes, let me say it again because I don’t believe it either, Atlanta outshot the Capitals 39 to 37 and still lost 8-1. On a night where Michal Neuvirth didn’t have to be particularly good, Neuvy managed to be absolutely outstanding. He had 37 saves, and looked like Rico Suave all night. The .974 Save Percentage and the 1 GA should help his case against people like The Peerless who think he isn’t an NHL caliber goalie yet. At this point, I’m done with Three-or-more. How about you?
• The Trashers Ice Girls don’t like wearing clothes when cleaning the ice. It kept me in my seat during intermission.
• TV Personality Craig Laughlin made it to Atlanta, but his luggage did not. Uh oh. For most of the game, it looked like Locker had on a Kid’s sized 5 dollar jacket from Value City that looked more than a bit odd over his dress shirt. This unfortunate loss of luggage led to perhaps the best commentary of the night on the post-game show between Locker and Joe B.:

  Joe B: “It looks like you’re wearing Smokers.”
  Locker: “I’m changing the style of Hockey Announcers.” ::awkward laughter between the two::
  Joe B: “I let you borrow my tie and… That’s all I’m going to say. Craig, we’re definitely going shopping tomorrow.”

• And finally, the only players not to record a shot for the Caps tonight? Mike Green and Michal Neuvirth. What?! Come on, Snubbed One. You need to make me look good here!

Well, the Capitals now have a few days off in Florida (oh no, the Russians loose in the Sunshine State? Gah!) before turning their attention to the mighty Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday Night. Let’s hope they can maintain the focus, and keep embarassing people dominating. I expect comments below!